Making chastity work when I'm not really submissive

Achieving a dynamic that you want is going to take a long time, but you both need to constantly be making efforts to make it work. Also have open discussions about how things are progressing, and what each person can do to make things work better. And since this is your idea, you need to actively work at developing her dominant attitude. You do this by making conscious efforts to fulfill her wishes and needs. Do everything she demands of you. I can guarantee you that once she gets comfortable being in control, she will not want to go back.

You said she has already shown an interest in being more dominant. That is a great start. So you already have a leg up on a lot of couples.

 

Patience, communication and gratitude. Don't get me wrong, I'm the poster boy for the on again off again dynamic. We've had stretches that have gone anywhere from 2 months to a year where things go great and then, Bam! Hit a wall. What I can tell you form our failures and what I hope will be a new level of success is it takes patience, communication and gratitude.

Patience - Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will this relationship. It's going to take work. You need to be patient with her and yourself. Expect days, hell even weeks with little of what you want. When things are going well, express and explain your pleasure. When things are not, be patient. She is trying to figure out what you want/get from this relationship and you must do the same. That takes us to...

Communication - Many subs want their partner to be dominant. What does "being dominant" mean. She isn't a mind reader or a professional domme with a lifetime of experience to draw upon. You have to communicate for both of you to learn. One of the successful things we used to do was once every 4 weeks or so we'd prepare a list of 3 things we liked and 3 things we either didn't like or were concerned about. We'd exchange our lists and talk about them.

Gratitude - Take the time to appreciate what you have. Many times we get hung up on what we don't have. You have a wife that loves you and wants to explore a sexual fantasy with you. There are a ton of guys that would kill for that. You had that two month stretch, that's awesome. Express your gratitude as well. She should hear about it.

 

@Braddogg4345 @PouchPantyLover Responses such as these are what make CM such a valuable resource. There are so many forums, videos, and male fantasies out there that insightful responses can be hard to find.

Realize that she likely doesn't fully know what she wants or means by dominance. Just enjoy the adventure of exploring together. Find non-sex related ways of meeting her needs. The one thing I can predict is that things will be unpredictable if you put yourself in her control.

 

Chastity is not always about submission.
I'm a Dom. Yet, I like the idea of a baby girl/sub keeping me in chastity. Read my introduction post for more about that.

But, yeah, I was talking to a female submissive friend of mine (She'd be my perfect baby girl/sub if we weren't so close that i think of her as a little sister). She's one of only a couple of friends that know I like chastity. Her thought would be that it would be a major turn on. The bratty side of her could tease a lot more, knowing I couldn't do anything. And, of course, for her, the other aspect was not about control. For her it was about getting to know that she would have the sole responsibility of being the one to satisfy her Dom.

So, not everything about chastity is about being submissive.

 

So, I'm confused. Your post title says that you're not really submissive but into chastity, and your post text says that you're really into chastity and want your not-dominant girlfriend to force you into submission.

So, serious question: are you submissive or not? And what do you actually mean by submission? What do you picture it to be? How would you treat your girlfriend if you were submissive to her, and how is that different than how you're treating her now?

It's impossible to make someone into something that they don't want to be. You can pressure them to go along with your plan, but that isn't likely to actually change them in ways you want them to change by default. So this alpha battle fantasy of yours may not come true if she's not also having the same fantasy.

What are her fantasies? What is her ideal type of relationship? What would her ideal life with a romantic / sexual partner look like? How is that different than what you have going on now? What changes would have to happen in your behavior / schedule / demeanor / life for you to build her the life she wants if she were your dominant?

There are ways to ease into this sort of thing:

• setting short limited-time, scheduled sessions of dominance and submission - this way you both can try things out, see what works and what doesn't, and discuss them when D/s time is over and you return to vanilla world
  
  
• you can try methods like devotional sex. Instead of going full D/s, you two can schedule how often you'd like to orgasm, and she can act as sort of a "manager" to help keep you on track. Using this system, she'd get to determine the frequency and type of sexual activity you two engage in, and which sessions involve your orgasm. It's not full-blown dominance, but it is one aspect of your relationship within which she'd have specific decision-making responsibility.
  
  
• your local kink community likely has a lot of classes and workshops regarding dominance and submission, plus munches you can attend to tap into it. Midori's Art of Feminine Dominance class and Forte Femme weekend intensive travel to various cities and may also be of help, as the teach students how to reach keep to find their own specific style of dominance.
  
  
• books like Uniquely Rika start under the assumption that there's a vanilla relationship, that the man has brought up D/s to the woman, and that while the woman is game she's also hesitant and probably at a loss. If the woman is only doing this to please the guy, the author turns her attention to considering what she wants.

I wish you both good luck, however you decide to proceed.

 

Nevermind... I thought previous post was @ me...
Nyquill and internet don't mix!

 

Getting over a sick myself, I totally understand. I also missed your original comment so if it was in response to mine ... it’s all good.

I hope that you heal up from your ick smoothly.

 

Excellent advice from byrdie.