Life of Slave-Boy

Well yesterday Mistress ordered me to lock up until bedtime when she allowed me out.

I didn’t get any release, ruined or otherwise.

This morning I waited on Mistress hand and foot and she ordered me to lock up after washing dishes, folding laundry, and sweeping the floor.

I then locked up my cock as ordered, handed Mistress the key, and walked the dog.

I asked her, “will I ever be allowed to enter you ever again? Some males on CM get aroused at this idea. Should I accept this too and be aroused at my plight?”

She replied, “Probably you will never enter me ever again so... yes”

I told her that this makes me aroused but also sad but not because I’m not allowed to enter her but because Mistresses disability and lack of sex drive means she doesn’t enjoy an orgasm either.

I also said that if I’m never going to be inside her again, that she might as well ridicule me for it. I then apologized for being totally pathetic.

She didn’t reply to this but she did say that when I get out of chastity again will depend entirely upon how much I obsess about it.

I admit I have been obsessing a lot. I hate myself for obsessing.


I fear I may not come out of chastity because Mistress is annoyed with me.

I am extremely horny but I know she is right. I am content to admit she is far far better than me.

 

Follow up:

Mistress let me out of my cage for the night.

I boldly asked her, “does that mean I may have release?”

She nonchalantly said,” sure “.

“A full release?”

“Ummmmm....No a ruin”

“And...the usual after?”

“Yes”, she said rather matter-of-faculty.

I tucked Mistress into her bed (I sleep in a separate room), and eagerly padded off to get in the shower to ruin myself and “ the usual”..meaning...eat it out of my own hand.

As I played with both of my nipples in the shower and slowly alternated to my semi-hard undersized dick, I repeated to myself (over and over)what Mistress confirmed earlier today; I am never entering HER again!

I began to ooze cum... and quickly ceased stimulating my sad little prick and instead focused on my nipple while catching the cum in my right hand.

“I’m never entering her again....I’m never entering her again....I’m never entering her again” and all of my life force oozed out of me into my right hand.

I continued to repeat my tragic mantra as I went to town on the cum...first swirling it with my tongue...then lapping it....and finally slurping and gobbling it up as a self-humiliating prayer to Mistress.

I sucked each finger lovingly until all of my sad useless jizz was consumed....but I wanted to venerate her again!

I stroked my still aroused cock more...bringing it swiftly over the edge....and then ceasing stimulation as I once again repeated my sad declaration...” I’m never entering her ag-aaaaannnnnngggghhh!”

My cum oozed out again...not in an explosion but in another pathetic dribble....into my palm...this time less cum but still another embarrassing feed.


As I savoured it again, full of love for Mistress, for my wife, for my finest friend, I cried a little for the loss but celebrated my true acceptance of humiliation. That act, despite how shameful, felt beautiful and passionate like the fever of my first kiss from her.

I’m her slave and her lover. Maybe a new way to be her lover and perhaps far far less masculine than before but no less passionate.


Good night

 

This morning, as I helped Mistress with her personal care, rubbing lotion all over her legs, I knelt down at her feet, and tenderly kissed her knees. "I love you", I said.

As I lingered there, she said, "today, light housework, walk the dog, take care of shoveling the drive-way, and take a shower".

"and...?"

"and ruin your orgasm"

"and eat it?"

"yes"

"Yes Mistress. Thank you Mistress".

(I think she may have read the previous journal entry.)

As I worked at the kitchen sink, the dog say waiting at my feet, tail wagging, probably looking for treats or affection.

"Oh are you Daddy's girl, Puppy?", Mistress asked the dog.

"I thought Mistress was Daddy's girl...", I said.

"No, Daddy is Mistress's girl".

"Yes Mistress"

 

I finally took my shower. I always try to repeat a mantra over and over while I am eating my cum.

I asked her what I should repeat.

“How about how inferior you are “

“Yes Mistress”

 

Last night I proved my love twice for Mistress by her command.

I truly enjoyed doing it but you probably wonder if I enjoy the taste of cum.

The truth is most of the time my cum has no taste at all. Sometimes it tastes coppery or a bit bitter. Sometimes it’s very clear and some times it is thick, white, and Rooney.

I prefer the white, thick, stringy cum because it’s humiliating to have to slurp it up as it clings to my lips and tongue.

The worst cum has a slight yellowish tinge and it’s got a slight taste I don’t like but as long as my cum is from a ruined orgasm I can eat it.

I know that I must look totally pathetic and emasculated while doing it but I am so turned on by humiliation and emasculation that I embrace it.

My dream is being ordered to ruin into a plate and eat it in front of Mistress rather than in the shower by myself but Mistress says it makes her want to throw up when she thinks about it.

She doesn’t mind ordering me to do it. She just doesn’t want to see it; like Robespierre at the gallows.

It is sad that she won’t witness it but I still obey.

 

So far a slow day today for Mistress and slave.

I had a bit of a headache most of the day and Mistress has been relatively undemanding.

I will make supper soon and Mistress will probably give me a few orders that pertain to serving her food and helping her with her personal care but nothing too kinky...or at all.

She generally gives me a checklist of things to do and then orders me to take a shower and ruin my orgasm/eat it in there. I'm grateful that she does that, really I am, but it's usually the same formula. If I'm honest, I doubt that she is spending too much mental energy on it and it kind of shows.

Still, I'm very glad she has been entertaining my needs and kinks and she has been a LOT more accepting of my cum-eating proclivities. THe thing is that I am not gay and I don't love the taste of cum. It's just that I love to be humiliated by HER. If she ordered me to do it, and it was very emasculating, that would be amazing. I love her so much, and this is the closest thing to sex with her that I'll ever get again...so I really cherish the moments where she commands me to debase myself.

I miss the "hands-on" stuff of course, and I understand why she isn't interested in it anymore, what with her lack of sex drive. I wish that there was something that still pushed her arousal buttons but if there is, I certainly haven't found it....so she's pretty much a service top as was mentioned earlier. She tops me so that my service to her is less grudging, and I get some enjoyment from it. It's far from the level of intimacy we used to share, which I long for, but it's something.

I don't really know if she reads this journal but if Mistress reads this, she will probably never let on.

That's ok. It's nice to tell SOMEONE....ANYONE....about how I'm feeling.

Sometimes this life is lonely, even though I'm with her all the time. Part of that is caregiver burnout. Part of it is just mid-life I suspect.

We're about to be empty-nesters (at least while child is at uni) and I'm a bit afraid that we will be a different dynamic on our own...on the other hand it would open us up to freedome to explore whatever she wants.

Life goes on... Cheers everyone.

 

Sunday Update:

I woke up so incredibly horny and desperate. I asked Mistress to simply take ownership of me and use me any way she liked.

No response.

I served Mistress food, drink, helped her urinate, cleaned up the kitchen, and generally made myself useful.

Mistress was quite content to use me and that was good.

I finally asked her, via text message, "If I may ask Mistress, how do you view me? I would love to have some verbal feedback. I apologize for being so direct."

Mistress replied about half an hour later by text, "I see that you are a needy Boi who needs to work out (hard), then take a shower, and have yourself a yogurt, and then lock up".

"Should I ruin my orgasm after the workout?", I asked.

"Yes, hence the yogurt"

SHe seems to be enjoying making me cum into my yogurt and eat it.

Of course I complied, and showed her the yogurt before I mixed my worthless seed into it and hungrily consumed it in front of her while saying to myself, "I don't deserve to fuck her."

She snickered at me again.

 

I was locked overnight and slept reasonably well.

My cock is currently straining against my cage. It’s comforting and sexy feeling.

I wonder if Mistress will keep me locked for a longer period this time.

If she does I will of course be grateful but I hope she keeps the home fires burning while I’m locked.

Right now enjoying being horny and locked.

I feel like her property.

 

Help! Holy Trainer popped right off of me after one night and one morning! My 50mm ring is comfy but escapable...sigh. back to the 45 I guess.

 

Pretty slow day today.

I fell out of my cage but put on the smaller base ring and slid the cage on.

Mistress gave me the regular food prep commands and I did some light paperwork in between chores.

I offered to walk the dog and Mistress agreed.

When I cam back from that Mistress asked me if I had worked out today. I replied that I had not.

"Would you like me to work out now?", I asked.

"Yes".

"Yes Mistress".

I did a half hour intense squats and gazelle workout wherein I oscillated between doing sets of about 30-50 squats and spending a couple of minutes on the gazelle (Tony Little contraption).

My goal isn't to get big and muscular but to keep my circulation and heart active. I'm getting to the age where body building is a lot harder so I do more reps.

After my workout, I asked Mistress if I could have a shower. "Yes", she replied.

"What sort of shower Mistress", I asked, thinking she might make me ruin my orgasm and eat my cum.

"A regular shower but then I want you to prepare a yogurt and eat it", she said, meaning cum into my yogurt cup.

I excitedly showered and dried off. I padded, naked into the kitchen, pulled a strawberry yogurt out of the fridge and prepared to jerk myself off and ruin my orgasm into my cup.

Just as I prepared, my child's school bus arrived and I hurried to the bedroom to complete my task.

"I'm your slave! I'm your slave", I exclaimed as I pumped my tiny load into the cup. I did it twice, each time oozing a pathetic little puddle on top of the yogurt.

I scooped the last drop off of my Lilliputian pecker, and then mixed my jizz in with my spoon, completely hiding it in the yogurt and then ate it next to Mistress.

I don't know why Mistress is having me do it this way lately. Perhaps it amuses her. Perhaps she thinks it's more merciful to do it this way. Who knows.

WHat I DO know is that my cock is tiny, my orgasm was pathetic, both times, and I'm ok with doing this each time I orgasm. I do still hope Mistress will be more vocal about the things she has me do. Describing it, and teasing me about it etc.

This is the most extreme my Mistress has ever been with me despite being very hands off. I miss her touch but perhaps she has determined that anyone as pathetic as me doesn't deserve to be touched.

 

Feeling burnt out this morning.

Oh I'm still horny and my ruined orgasm last night didn't give me sub-drop. I want to serve and be my wife's chastity slave, but she's not really into it.

Life's stresses, money, worry, etc. are weighing heavily on both of us and I just can't get into it.

My obligations don't change. I have to care for her regardless but she's not really liking my morning greetings or my constant reference to her as Mistress and she finds it "a bit too much".

Yeah this depresses me more than words.

My goal was never to be a chore for her. My goal was to be a better caregiver and servant and for her to feel more free to engage in the lifestyle as my Master/Mistress. And yeah, I wanted her to engage in the kink more enthusiastically. In some ways she does...but I'd say today was a major blow to me.

Bottom line is that I love my wife and will care for her because it's what a spouse does. Not because I'm a "slave" or because of some sort of role-play which I really enjoy but apparently that's not a mutual experience.

So this isn't sub-drop but it is a relationship crisis. We all engage in a lot of self-hypnosis in this lifestyle which is largely designed to fill in the blanks when our wives and girlfriends don't do or say everything we might like. What happens with me is that when I get tired of pretending (filling in the blanks) that she is my dominant Mistress, and when my wife lets the veil slip away, it crushes me and I feel such a fool.

That's where I am now.

I'm pretty depressed.

 

That's great advice Jemima. I'll do everything for her and she will basically ignore me until she needs something from me.

Fantastic.

 

OK so some of my experience today was written about on the Thread entitled "Is she mailing it in" and I got lots of feedback from other members. Some good and some terrible but viva la difference I suppose.

We had a bit of a crisis today where I just felt really depressed and worthless. Mistress had pretty much forgotten about FLR or dominance and was just asking for stuff, well...because she couldn't do it for herself.

I think there's a LOT of confusion with members on here about the difference between serving someone because of their authority and taking care of them because they are ill.

Now, I'm not saying that both can't coincide; hell that's what we're trying to do, but it's NOT the same thing.

If anyone has never heard of caregiver fatigue, look it up. It's real and it's devastating.

Mistress knows that I want kink and she knows that a D/s fantasy helps to aleviate SOME if not all of the stress I'm under caring for her.

Her disability is progressing, her needs are ever-changing, and my freedom to go anywhere outside the house is SEVERELY limited.

I got a lot of comments about how I just need to be happy serving her and not to expect anything. Yes, and when Mistress was able to walk and do BASIC things you and I take for granted, that was sound advice. But at some point, it's too much for one person to take without a chance to get some respite.

The fact of the matter was that we are a lifestyle servant/served relationship, not by intention but by circumstance. I cannot NOT serve her. I cannot NOT cast aside most of my expectations. It's not a game I can walk away from.

SO pardon me if I get a bit short with those commenters who think I just need to "adjust my attitude" but that's not entirely accurate of fair.

I took a vow that said "In sickness and in health" and I stand BY that vow. But the flip side of that vow is, so did my wife/Mistress take that vow. SHe has to love me through HER sickness as well. Now, how that love is given obviously can't stay the same and I comprehend that, but there has to be reciprocal love nonetheless.

We had a heart-to-heart talk about how I'm feeling really unfulfilled, and that spending a few minutes sending me on errands culminating in a short-lived wank isn't the kind of love I was hoping for.

Not that the wank was bad....but FLR is so much more than that.

Anyhow, that's my post for today.

 

So I am keeping my expectations low, knowing that Mistress doesn't really have a natural kinkiness.

She has no trouble politely asking me to do things for her. She's been doing that long before I ever introduced the idea of FLR. She likes having things done for her and I've always been willing to do them so I guess we have always had somewhat of a D/s relationship but when I asked for kinkiness and more femdom related dominance, that was a tough thing for her.

But today she sent me a Spotify link to "all the filthy details" which is a series of erotic stories read by a narrator with a sexy British accent. She asked me to listen to one or two and advise if they were appropriate for us.

The subject of the first audio (a female-female-male threesome) wasn't really D/s but it was erotic so I thought it might be ok to arouse us. I don't really understand where she's going with it but it was fine.

I'm hoping that this isn't the limit of her research as it's not really on point with her commitment to researching female dominance per se. I suspect she is trying to find stuff that we can share together to charge up her and my libido. Mine is pretty charged but hers is pretty low if even existent.

We were listening to erotic audio with Mistress Shayla Aspasia about a year ago and I found that very exciting although it morphed into more sissification which I'm not particularly into...I mean I like it if she wants it for me but not otherwise. She doesn't want to sissify me.

Anyhow, please let me know if any of you found any Spotify channels that have food femdom and flr content that might help her get into it. Most I have found is a bit boring.

 

My wife is looking up FLR resources online today and I'm glad. I re-committed to answering any questions I have about my needs, wants, desires, fantasies etc. and she has said that she wants what we used to do when we were younger, laying in bed together and mapping out our lives. THey were amazing times.

We cannot share a bed any longer due to disability but I want to do something LIKE what we used to do. It matters.

I KNOW I'm not going to get every kink fantasy I have, nor should I if I'm honest. But we both also need to feel that closeness we used to. I'm hoping gain a bit of that back too.

I hate illness. It robs so much.

 

Well the weekend has been very quiet but I did beg Mistress for a chance to cum and she was somewhat strict. SHe did let me cum but only after I did a lot of errands and she said I "MAY" cum not definitely.

After my errands, she did allow me to cum....in my hand....and clean it up...in the other room.

I still wish she wasn't so disgusted by my fetish but I'm glad she helps me live it.

 

Pretty much zero kink today. Just looking after my wife. It's ok. I wasn't really feeling it that much anyways.

 

Today Mistress ordered me to lock up and clean the bathroom naked. SHe then had me prepare lunch nude showing my locked boi-clit. SHe allowed me to dress after but I am to remain locked for at least a few hours more.

I have no idea what she intends for me after. She even referred to me as Slave-Boi when she ordered me to help her urinate and massage her feet and knees.

I appreciate the attention.

 

Last night Mistress allowed me to unlock after supper and before bed.

I have been so horny and leaking pre-cum.

This morning I told her I was super wound up and asked if I should lock up after her PSW came to visit. SHe said, "No, but you can lock up now before."

So I am now locked up and although my scrotum is sore and sensitive, I feel ok.

I prefer to be naked while locked so I can adjust myself when it starts to pinch but I'm not allowed to be nude.

WHy does my scrotum burn?!! I have moderate the burning feeling by pulling the base ring further down on my scrotum to alleviate the pressure closer to my body. That seems to have at least temporarily alleviated it.

 

I was allowed a full orgasm yesterday qnd Mistress said, “Don’t make me regret it”.

Apparently after I cum, chastity and femdom stop being fun for me and I develop an attitude.

She was right. I got testy and distant.

I’m my defence a lot of other stuff conspired to make me feel that way as well.

I did feel sub drop though.

Part of me wants to stay “sane” and refuse to go back to acting like her slave but I know I’ll come crawling back to her eventually.

I’m already feeling the pull.

I hate chastity devices but I sometimes need it.

 

I'm kinda blue today. Sure it's partly the post-orgasm blues but I'm also just depressed. I don't really see the point in any of it at the moment.

I feel bad for my wife and she feels bad for me but she cannot manufacture libido.

SHe has other bigger fish to fry, like fighting a progressive paralyis.

I would give ANYTHING to make her better...or make her feel good. I try. I care for her and I clean her when she needs it. I try not to get frustrated and angry when bad things happen but sometimes I just leak rage at the situation.

I feel tremendous guilt that I can't seem to take her problems away.

SOrry for the kinksters who wanted a sexy story. Nothing sexy today.

good night everyone.