I have screwed up help

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by MissThick, Feb 21, 2021.

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  1. MissThick
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    MissThick Member

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    My husband and i have been trying FLR on and off for almost 7yrs.
    I have been so inconsistent and i think he has had enough of it being so inconsistent. He has said that he is done with this part of our relationship and that's not what i want.
    Please help me to fix what i have broken. I think it has gone too far.
    How have you come back from FLR being so broken?
     
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  2. maid julie
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    maid julie Active member

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    First thing is to sit down and have a serious conversation and explain what you have figured out and told us then what you want to try to do and work on it together
     
  3. HusbandX
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    HusbandX Active member

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    Communication is the key to everything, except opening a can of tuna fish. That requires a can opener.
     
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  4. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    Yes figure out why he is over it and talk about how a real FLR can work for the both of you. Good luck and enjoy.
     
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  5. WhiteKnight
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    WhiteKnight Member

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    He needs to realise he was a very lucky man to have you in the first place and thousands would love to change places in a heartbeat.
    Having said that, and without having too many details, something has clearly gone wrong and, yes, communication is the key to finding out what it is and putting it right as far as the FLR is concerned: assuming you still want that ?
    You admit to being 'inconsistent' and seem to recognise that for an aspiring sub that is going to create some difficulties.
    You could try writing down what each of you are looking for (from that side or your relationship) then sharing. Look at what you have in common, celebrate that, and then at what divides you and see what you can do to bring it together. (For example this could be saving your FLR play just for the weekends or for him putting on a chastity cage but forbidden from even mentioning it on pain of his sentence increased each time he does so.)
    The FLR must also meet your needs as well as his - and it sounds like it might not be at present, hence in inconsistency. Celebrate the gifts he is offering you, accept that it is going to cost sometime and effort on your part to 'indulge' him and recognise you have far more to gain in terms of getting him to do far more of the household chores, including cooking for you, personal pampering and even no-strings-attached oral worship on command if that's what floats both your boats.
     
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  6. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    The consistency in your FLR is really an important factor as far as keeping him in his head space. But I’m also not saying that you have to be the perfect all ruling domme to achieve a successful FLR. There’s a lot of give and take in this type of relationship and finding the proper balance in keeping both parties happy doesn’t always appear to be an easy thing.

    First off, you need to nail down what in particular is bugging him about your FLR and why it’s not working in his eyes. You say you’ve been inconsistent but you also say you want to live in an FLR, so what do you feel you’ve been inconsistent about and how can you change that?

    On the flip side it might not be entirely fair for him to lay it all on you that the FLR isn’t working, inconsistent or not. Has he really been trying for you, for him to deserve to live in a FLR that you’ve tried to create? The reason I ask these questions is because there are times where I feel the FLR between my wife and I is also very inconsistent. Although I feel there are times where she could’ve tried a little harder or put in more effort I also have to remember that we’re still living our busy lives, we’re raising a child, we both work and there just isn’t enough free time. I think sometimes it’s easy to blame our partners for feeling we’re not getting what we want but the reality of the situation is that we’re just as responsible ourselves for things not working out the way we want them too.

    My wife and I have been practicing chastity and living a kind of FLR for nearly 6 years now. There’s been ups, downs and discussions over that time just trying to figure out what works best for us and what we like.

    Just as others have posted here, you guys need to talk about what you both want, what’s possible and what’s not possible. If the two of you can develop and agree to basic FLR rules, that work for both of you that would give you something to build off of and evolve your FLR to where you want it to be. But build a good foundation of principles and rules to help both you and him be more consistent towards each other on a regular basis as to keep the interest and excitement of what a FLR can bring to a relationship.
     
  7. Hubby&Missy
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    Hubby&Missy Love keeps us together

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    As someone who has struggled with our share of screw ups I can tell you it comes down to talking to each other and saying all the hard things. He has to know what you want which means you have to know what you want. When you both have an idea of what you do and don't want TALK TO EACH OTHER.
     
  8. subrick
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    subrick Junior Member

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    #8 subrick, Feb 21, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
    Greetings MissThick!

    I LOVE your avatar!!!

    First of all, I agree that communication will be the key to you getting this right. From your post, it sounds like he said "...he has had enough of it being so inconsistent." He might feel differently in a few days or so, but maybe not. I know I've felt that way temporarily over the years, but ALWAYS end up wanting it again. So I believe you have hope! Which is GOOD! :)

    Also, you said you've been doing this for about 7 years, but you've only been a member here for a little over 2 months. I've read your posts and since you've been on, your posts seem to center around how to keep him interested and continue, even though you've had some challenges. (Maintaining an FLR while trying to have kids, for instance.) You generally seem very concerned about how to make this work for the two of you.

    I think that's admiral, and you should be complimented for taking the time and effort to see what you can do to get things back on track. Trust me, I believe the vast majority of us have been in the exact opposite situation. We (the husband/boyfriend) wants it and the wife/GF does not.

    I'll make a general statement that about such things as chastity, if a man wanted it at one time, it's probably quite possible to get him to want it again.

    That said, the question is, what do you do now?

    As others mentioned above, sit down with him and have a talk. I'd recommend that you tell him realize you've been very inconsistent over the years and that wasn't fair to him, and you want to get back to the FLR lifestyle with as much consistency as your schedules will allow. I would recommend that you ask him what HE is looking for, and get ALL of the details. Activities, frequency of activities, severity, types of punishment, etc. etc. Know EVERYTHING that he is looking for. Some of the things he mentions might be familiar to you, some may be completely new to you. Some may be impossible or at least impractical at this point. But if you KNOW what he's looking for in the FLR, then you will have the power to make sure YOU control things yet keep him satisfied, as best as you're able. Of course, he may mention some things that you don't like to do, or may not feel skilled or comfortable doing. Offer to learn WITH HIM how to do such things. Maybe reserve those activities when he's been especially good (or, especially bad...depending! ;))

    So, my first recommendation is to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband and let us know what ground has been covered.

    If you're interested, I'll give you a little bit about our backgraound. My Lovely Wife and I have been married almost 30 years, and have played with chastity for about 20 years. "Play" is the operative word...nothing longterm (no longer than 3 months, most times a few days to a few weeks). Last April, my wife caught me in an indiscretion. Not full cheating, but I definitely overstepped the boundaries of a "normal" marriage. She was VERY hurt, we spent three consecutive nights talking, crying, screaming and hugging, trying to figure out what to do. Neither of us wanted to separate, but we DID discuss that option. To be honest, I forget which one of us mentioned chastity, but this time, she said "Yes, that's a good idea. And you may not be released for a LONG, LONG TIME! Are you willing to do that for me?" I said yes, and on April 10, 2020, I was locked up and have not been allowed to have an orgasm since then. We also began working on our FLR at that time. I even read a couple of books to her about the subject of male chastity and FLR. Each night we'd be in bed, and I'd read a chapter or two to her, and then discuss what was read. It was helpful to both of us.

    Well, so far...things have worked out very well. While I don't have my own orgasms anymore, I HAVE learned to fully enjoy HERS! And she has found out that she REALLY ENJOYS torturing & tormenting me with ballbusting and other tease and denial actions. When she has her orgasm, she has me tie a leather bootlace around my balls, and as she's coming, she pulls on the lace. The BETTER I make her feel during her orgasm, the HARDER she pulls. Which causes me to groan and cry out, which only turns her on more and she comes even harder...pulling harder...making the cycle quite painful to me. But SHE loves it and FULLY enjoys it. After she comes, she's usually completely spent and I end up massaging her to sleep. But here's the interesting thing...after that session...emotionally, I feel as though I have orgasmed as well, but physically, I'm as horny as heck! I LOVE the feeling, but it can be frustrating at times. The REAL important thing is SHE loves the feeling.

    Well, enough about us.

    By any chance, does your husband have an account on here? Will he be reading the advice that we give to you? I'm just asking, because if he will, it might raise his level of expectations from you. Just something to think about.

    Good Luck. I hope you two are able to work out what you need to get back on track.

    ~subrick
     
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  9. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    First have a plan for how you want to run the relationship, before you sit him down for a talk. Then sit him down tell him how you’re going to run things and offer him a 30 day or 60 day trial. Do not ask him how he wants things (you already know). If he say yes run the trial and hold yourself accountable (for enforcing your rules). If he says no, wait him out. He’ll bring it up again, restate your trial offer with no changes. At the end of your trial run then you have an open conversation and proceed from there.
     
  10. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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  11. subrick
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    subrick Junior Member

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    MissThick,

    Well, between @enslavedbyc and my recommendation, you have received completely opposing advice! LOL

    I would just say to do what is in your heart! I sense that as much as you want the FLR to succeed, your marriage and your (both of you) happiness IN the marriage is even more important to you, as it should be. We don't know how stable THAT part of your relationship is, so you might have to take things slowly. If it took a long time to drift away, it will probably take a long time to get back on track. Just be patient.

    Do what is in your heart. If things don't work out the first time you sit down, I agree with @enslavedbyc, give him a little time and try it again. Or maybe he'll bring it up the second time. TIME can heal.

    Good Luck,

    ~subrick
     
  12. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Active member

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    Honestly and communication are key. You should be happy to have someone who is willing to be honest with you... you need to do the same and compromise. Maybe there are somethings he would like to see change that you can both agree on.
     
  13. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    A D/s relationship is a two way relationship with both getting things they want and making sacrifices. What have you been doing to play your part as a Dom? It sounds like he is beyond frustration and or his needs aren’t being met. If it were me, I’d be asking what questions I should be asking him. Does he feel loved? Desired? Appreciated? Valued?

    I can tell you from experience that there is nothing worse than being locked and forgot. He gets hundreds of reminders daily if he is caged and if you can’t so much as grasp him by the cage once a day to remind him that you are aware of his sacrifice, then it gets old really quick.

    You have to lead if you want to be in charge.
     
  14. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    I second this, its amazing how much a little jiggle can get me back in the headspace. If your locked and forgoten the discomfort vs pleasure equasion stops making sense.
     
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  15. MissThick
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    MissThick Member

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    I thank you all so much for your advise.
    As you may have read, i was very upset last night.
    Here is a little more information on what is going on.
    My husband is an amazing sub. He does all the chores, pampers me and has been very patient with me, not to topping from the bottom, he has never.
    We always start off great and consistent and then I get distracted with work and other things and don't give him the attention he deserves.
    Some of you have said that it takes 2 but its me that is in the fault.
    I joined here at his request as he thought it would help me get ideas and be more consistent. He has handwritten whole note pads of what he likes and sent me pictures and different books with some guidance.
    He said to me last night that he feels rejected forgotten unloved and ugly and kept saying what makes him so repulsive to me.
    He is the most sexy man i have ever met. Muscles abs and handsome face haha i love him so much.
    I understand that i have screwed up but i don't want him to feel this way. I want him to know that he is important to me.
    This blame is on me and I don't think he wants to continue FLR. I might just give him time.
    He does have an account here so i won't point him out. This is just for us to ask questions and get others opinions.
    I will take some of all of your advise and give him a bit of time then talk about it and try to start again.

    Does anyone struggle with play time?

    I find that my energy levels aren't up to scratch and play time takes a lot of energy. I will start trying to get fitter but is there a way that you do longer sessions that helps with this?

    We like to wrestle and a lot of physical stuff like CBT, punching, spitting, slapping, spanking, bondage (which i find hard), and other kinks. We aren't interested with sissy play but it is fun to hear about.
    So i hope that give more information about us.
    I know i just need to be consistent and communicate.
    Is there something that your dom does for you that makes you feel loved special and sexy?
    Something special?

    Ok i hope i haven't missed anything out.
    Right now i look pretty bad but i want to fix things.
     
  16. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    Hard to imagine that this is irriverable by any means. Us subs try to run away from our feelings, but to no avail. Sub's feelings seems to stick hard and it just takes some communication and stimulation of the D/s role and you might find your relationship back to where you both wanted to be.
     
  17. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Sometimes life truly gets in the way but a partner notices if you watch TV in the living room until you are almost asleep then too tired for anything but sleep when you come to bed. With power comes responsibility so use it wisely.

    If he cooks and shops, task him to make healthy meals and pack you a healthy lunch. Task him with organizing physical fitness and fun activities. Plan scheduled fun time and don’t let frivolous things interfere with that.
     
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  18. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    Sounds like you do plenty actually. Whilst its important not to lock and forget it is also important not to let him top from the bottom. He wont thank you for letting him do it. Sometimes if im bratty, what i actually want is to be put in my place.
     
  19. MissThick
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    MissThick Member

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    Thank you this is much needed
     
  20. MissThick
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    MissThick Member

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    I dont think this is a case of topping from the bottom as i said in my last post but it is definitely my neglecting him. As he does the things i ask of him, i am to praise good behaviour. I know it is up to me but if i am always punishing for good behaviour how am i supposed to keep him in a good head space.
    Thank uou for your reply
     
  21. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Property of BKwife

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    If he truly loves this lifestyle he will come back, maybe talking, crawling, or mad, but he will come back. You need to decide if this is what you want too. It’s a lot of work for most of us. It has to be part fun and add some extra intimacy to the relationship. Like everyone sad you guys need to talk and get a plan together, not a big plan, a small one. My wife is not on 24-7, she needs time for our normal life too. Of course what I feel is enough FLR and Chastity and what she feels is enough are two very different views. But we have different bodies and mindset, it’s going to be that way for the majority of us.
     
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  22. MissThick
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    MissThick Member

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    I really hope so. I just don't know where to being now. He doesn't know what i can do to fix things and i have idea where to start. I feel pretty hopeless. i know i just need to give him time but i want to make him happy again
     
  23. Mrloched
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    Mrloched Active member

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    I can only speak for myself ,for me i love seeing the glint in mistresses eye, knowing she is turned on is the strongest aphrodisiac. If my mistress is unhappy that makes me unhappy.

    Maybe you should both take a break from d/s for a month. Before starting again draw up a contract.

    Make sure you both spell out what you expect from each other. Once you have come up with a contract make a ceremony of signing it. Consider it a reafermation of your vows.

    Try to get a fun routine going, im just spitballing here but..
    Maybe he would like to have a script night where he writes you a short scenario, less than 200 words. He presents this to you on the first of the month. It should be hand written on quality paper with a fountain pen. Make a show of opening it and reading it. You could tell him that he is a pervert and hes going to be punished. Give him his monthy maintanance spanking.

    During the month try to set aside a night to follow the script. He wont know what night it will be so his anticipation is building all month. You can pick a good night for you. After the night is over he will be absorbed trying to come up with the next one. If he introduces something you like, adopt it.
    I would recomend reviewing the contract frequently to start with.

    Again i have know idea if this will fit your dynamic, adopt and adapt as you see fit. As others have said its all about communication, crack that and the rest is easy.
     
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  24. Gigaman
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    Gigaman Property of BKwife

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    Quit using the word I and start using WE instead. You can’t do this by yourself. Would you really be wanting this if your husband wasn’t there? I know my wife would not, she does it for me. Sure she enjoys it now but at the beginning she did not. You guys need to get together in talk, baby steps. Make it easy make it fun, and do short little things so both be happy and you don’t have to work all the time. Figure out things you can do that don’t take a large chunk of time, or a lot of input from you. It all depends on what you like, my wife will give me corner time well she plays on her phone. I get stripped my clothes, stand in a corner. Sometime she takes the cage off I’m am told to play with myself. Not really much in it for her, but I get A lot out of it and she only had to say something every 15 minutes or so. Not much interaction on her part. You need to find little things to keep you going in a week that aren’t big productions that way you don’t have to dread coming home.
     
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  25. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    I stand by my original advice, simply put if you won’t lead he can’t follow. Show him during a new trial period that you can actively lead, then you can talk about making adjustments.
     
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