I have screwed up help

Yep, ran into this scenario far to often...

 

I don’t think you have screwed up. You are trying, and working to figure it out. I would venture a guess that most FLR couples go through this. And, I hate to say, it never really stops. Lots of talking required.

You need to get a copy of “Uniquely Rika”. Right now. It is a short book and it is not porn. Read it once, put it down for a few days, then read it again. She is talking to you.

What hasn’t been said is asking yourself what you want out of a FLR. Or, do you even want to be in one? Be honest and think of the things you want, not what he wants you to do. After all, the basis of a FLR is want she wants. Once you understand the difference, and have an idea of your needs, then, you can move forward.

If you do decide to continue, there may come a time when you sit him down and lay out what a FLR will be like going forward. It has to be sustainable for you not more work. This is the “Be careful what you ask for” moment.

Now, go get the book and start reading. Good luck.

 

We have had similar problems in the past and no doubt will again in the future. I feel the common theme is we start off doing a lot but then things happen and it gets less frequent and it all kind of falls apart.

So far things are working a lot better for us now we try ensure every day has some moments such as me being told to prepare the lunch, clean the shower etc in addition to usually some touching every night (whilst still caged). But these are things that don't take a lot of time or energy for like other activities such as punishment, bondage etc can. And so they are very sustainable and keep both of us happy.

Then when we do bigger stuff like bondage, punishments etc it is a great bonus on top of what already makes us happy. As other posters have said the most important thing is not to feel forgotten so making the core of it something which is low effort and can become 'routine' helps a lot I feel.

 

You need to have a sit down and have a serious discussion with him.

 

Strongly recommend reading books by Ms. Rika, particularly "Uniquely Us" or "Uniquely Dominant". These books helped my wife and I figure out our roles within our dynamic that were satisfying to both of us.

 

My wife isn't my dom and doesn't want to be.

The most important thing to me, in terms of reward and meaning and satisfaction, is to know that I am useful. As a man, that's what I'm built for. To be useful. My employer doesn't need me if I'm not useful. What I need most, from my wife, is to know I'm useful. I can do things, and feel like I'm doing things, but do those things have any value for my wife? I could wash the car, but if she doesn't care about that, then I'm not really useful. That's the key. Can I be useful?

Useful might be chores. It might be listening to her when she needs to talk. It might be sexual. It might be any number of things, even if I'm nothing more than her entertainment. To be used in any way, whether it's fetching a cup of coffee or building a ramp for the dog so it can get on the bed, tells me that I matter to her, and we all want to matter.

If playtime takes energy, then you can always pick activities which require little from you, and put the burden on him. if he's earned a release, have him do it for you. Take his picture or film him, comment you might give it away. Have him finish on you, a place of your choosing, have him clean up. Casually watch TV or talk on the phone or do something of your choosing while he's doing the work. That bit of attention, however minimal it may be on your part for time or effort, will be remembered.

If you pee, invite him to lick you. Or use him when you have to go. You're disposing of it anyway; involve him. Reward him with it. Tease. Let him know you know he's there. It doesn't need to take up the day. A little attention goes a long way, even if it's little more than sending him to do something for you and offering him some token in return, or offering, then taking it back. That dynamic, that exchange, the attention, the usefulness, feeds the male ego( even if the ego exists only to serve). It does mine.

If it's not too much effort, offer him he chance to serve you. Offer him some sexual service; perhaps he massages, goes down, or even just kisses your feet. You decide. Any bone you throw will mean the world, and will be worth far more to him than the effort it took to toss. Feed him some crumbs and like watering a plant, you'll see growth in the garden. It's yours to tend, and it sounds like you have a man ready and anxious to serve you. Let him.

 

In your posts you mention that he was talking about his feelings. Other than that the talk was about actions. I recommend talking with him about what is causing him to feel the way he is. Then all what things make him feel happy and loved. This may have changed over time and it could be a few simple little things that he wants from you.

It may also be necessary to take a break and evaluate things.

 

This post is old, and I hope the OP has worked things out. If her husband is truly submissive, he will step up to the plate again.

I think an important point in the conversation is noticing him. It does not need to be an elaborate scene. A simple comment in passing, a grab of the cage through his jeans, a sexy text, peel off your top and bra while he is cleaning the kitchen. You get the idea. Simple and frequent.

Boss him around. Threaten him. These kinds of actions push the buttons of a submissive guy big time. Yet they require no planning or time. Just notice him!

As repeated over and over in previous replies, communicate! Just schedule a weekly time, say Sunday evening over wine or coffee. And recap the week. It really helps.

 

I didn't even notice the thread necromancy. Thanks for pointing it out.

 

it is still valuable information that frequently comes up and is worth revisiting.

 

First of, I think it is wrong to blame solely yourself, it takes two to tango, and two - or more - for a working D/s dynamic. Blame isn't helping, identifying the causes and working on resolving them will help.

We as a couple have had our struggles too, mostly due to circumstances outside of our control. I think the main aspect is that FLR like any relationship also requires work from all parties involved. My Wife for example is not big on impact and often doesn't use strict protocol. However, She also knows I will be better in so many ways as a partner. So we have a point of equilibrium that works, but of course everything evolves and we want to grow together, not separately.

Identifying what both of you want out of FLR seems like a good first step to take, including future goals. For that to happen he needs to be willing to sit down with you of course. Figure out how you usually beat inconsistency in your life and try to implement a similar regime in controlling your partner. I think it is true that submissively men yearning for FLR need a level of consistency in how they are controlled, otherwise it may become confusing and the sub will not want to top from the bottom.

At this point though, properly taking time to talk things through, maybe putting everything on paper - perhaps as a contract - could help. It will still need lots of dedication and communication from both of you until a workable balance is found.

 

Seems like you know what to do and how to fix it, now start doing it consistently

 

this was lovely to read - happy for both of you!