How to speak to your partner

I think you have to answer the question "Why an I attracted to chastity?" and then be honest with her. You need to consider all the reasons chastity is appealing to you.

In order for her to come to terms with it, it needs to be something that produces mutual satisfaction for both of you. It needs to enhance your relationship. If the focus is entirely on your personal kink, it's not going to work. Chastity in its purest form should change your focus to your partner. When that happens, she'll become your fantasy and those other desires will begin to fade.

You have a loving partner! That's an awesome place to start. You are fortunate! Chastity and orgasm control can change your view of her to that of the most amazing creature on earth. That's where it's at.

I could produce a list of all the potential benefits of chastity for you, her and your relationship, but there are threads on this site on those already. Wishing you the best on your journey! I

 

You could try watching a tv show or film that contains some aspect of kink/fetish and see what her reaction is.

 

"I have this kinky fantasy..."

 

How do I introduce my partner to chastity?

1. Be honest with them.
2. Be honest with them.
3. Be honest with them.
4. Be honest with them.
5. Be honest with them.
6. Be honest with them.
7. Be honest with them.

 

That's good. But honesty can be complicated, because self knowledge is difficult.

Perhaps, "Start with the least freaky version what you think is the truth"?

 

Sounds somewhat deceitful.

If it turns out she is disgusted by his kinks then it's best to find out as early as possible so one or both can reach for the ejection handle and enjoy a fulfilling life with someone who enjoys such debauchery.

 

So... if he hasn't done them, then he has a set of fantasies. Some of them can remain private. Some of them might be actionable.

 

These situations make me sad. If she is a loving partner isn’t that unconditional? Why would you fear opening up to her?
I think if you told her “there’s things about me I hide from you.”, she’d be as unhappy as if she didn’t like the things you hid in the first place.

Hey, it might just be a sexual kink, but being completely transparent is certainly liberating. She might not find you attractive as a crossdresser… but she may accept it. If she accepts it but doesn’t like it, and you reject the notion as it’s not something that fits into your relationship, that’s love.
Hiding it. Dirty secrets. That’s shame.

 

It's often not that easy. Women often put men down/emasculate (out of their own fears and need for control) by putting down men's sexuality (where it should be celebrated). By doing this,, men are less likely to feel comfortable opening up. So we suppress our desires, which makes us less masculine, ashamed of our sexuality. This turns off our women who then (already feeling unsafe) retract even more. Plus, many women haven't learned to own their own sexuality, with voices in their heads saying what's good/bad, what a "good girl" should be. It spirals downward into sexless marriages, lack of communication and intimacy, loss of respect, desire, etc.

All of that needs to be unraveled for the individual, then as a couple. I know...we've been there, and through all of it. On the other side of this is trust, free expression about desires, kinks, sexual exploration, sexual confidence, etc. It takes bravery and courage to dive deep into ourselves, understand and grow, and then meet for the ultimate intimacy and vulnerability between each other.

Such as the [ironic] sweet moments of success afterwards, such as when she clicks the lock and says it's hers.

@IB-Chaste, I am in awe of your openness and where you are with your wife! It is inspirational,. But it's not the default for everyone.

 

There is a book called "Locked in Love". It is not written real kinky and explains why men want to be locked up and how their wife can benefit from it. If the wife can get past the kinky part, many would actually enjoy it. My wife read the book and said she understands a lot more now.

 

I guess that’s where I was fortunate (I say that whimsically) that my life fell apart and took me to right to the brink.
Only by building myself up, alone, and finding out who I was (with some very questionable exploration) did I find the strength the say “this is me, take it or leave it.” Along with that the confidence to say “who you are isn’t right for me.”

I guess that made it very easy to be open from the off and in turn gave her the confidence to trust me implicitly. She often says that I ‘don’t know how to lie.’ That’s not the truth, I just don’t want to live in a life where I have to.

So yes, I completely agree that it is not easy. It still saddens me non-the-less, mostly because I see myself in these stories. A younger, unhappier version.

 

Bingo, that's it! Getting to “this is me, take it or leave it.” is key.

Then both can evaluate whether “who you are is or isn’t right for me.”

"I guess that made it very easy to be open from the off and in turn gave her the confidence to trust me implicitly. She often says that I ‘don’t know how to lie.’ That’s not the truth, I just don’t want to live in a life where I have to."

That is super strong...that's what women want...the real you. They can trust that, no matter how bizarre, weird, kinky or sexual as that is.

Some flavor of "getting to the brink" often needs to happen. We need to break through our old selves and scripts and assumptions and rebuild into something bigger and better.

 

I’ve been on this site for over a decade now, and this is by far the most common question, that and cage fittings.

I think it’s common because they already know the answer or the reply, and are searching for some secret weapon to use.

The answer is yes, she is going to be a little weirded out by your interest in locking up your dick. No, she is not going to be very receptive to holding the key. Yes, this is going to change things and how she perceives you.

First off, I will say what you shouldn’t say. You shouldn’t mention all the benefits that being locked up will bring. Once you start with how nice and loving you will be, and how much more willing you will be to do more around the house…she will want to know why you can’t be that person without the dick cage.

Women can smell that bullshit a mile away. It may happen to be true, but it doesn’t make it any better.

When she does agree, don’t tell her what to do or how to do it. I won’t get into the countless ways this is counterproductive and downright confusing for her. But when she holds the keys, let her be in charge.

Ok, here’s the part you asked for, the part you already know, how to get her to be your keyholder….ask her. It really is that simple, you know this, you are just scared of the consequences. Her reaction and her perception of you after. No risk, no reward.

Believe it or not, even the most shy women, when asked if they will do you a favor, will. That is exactly what they are doing…a favor. So ask them like it’s a favor. “ I was wondering if you were up to helping me out with something. I have this fantasy that I’ve had forever, and I want to try it for a bit but I need your help to do it, can I ask? Well (insert whatever gets you going) and wearing a cage and not being in control of that aspect of my life is really important to me. It turns me on to think that all my sexual activity would be when you allow it, fore play lasting as long as you want it, or not ending, this lack of control and giving it to the person I love is all I can really think about. I sometimes touch myself without you, and I think that takes away from how special it could be with you. I just want you to be in charge of that part of my life, it’s a lot of responsibility but I won’t bug you about letting me out of the cage, and I won’t ever be mad when the answer is no, so could you do me this favor and try this with me for awhile?”

This is a commitment and work for them, so don’t shrug it off and pretend like you are doing some great deed by handing them your keys. Your happiness sexually is now her complete responsibility, so ask her nicely, be thankful, then don’t ruin it by being a controlling jerk or pouting.

 

I struggled (and still do) with the same things around communication. What worked for me was thru erotica….we both started to share stories with each other (Vanella to start ) then I sent her a literotica story called “erotic guide to teasing” which was a super gentle woman friendly way to introduce T&D. She looked at me at one point and said who would do that cage thing and I shrugged my shoulders and said I thought it was hot…..that all got the ball moving for us.

I really like the suggestion above about asking for a favor….wish I knew that back then

 

I posted the below a year ago when I joined the site. I also thought my wife would never in 1 million years accept this part of me. Literally, as I type this to you right now, I’m wearing pink pantyhose, a pink dress, black fishnet gloves, full make up, and breast forms acting as my wife’s maid for the day. Honesty is the only way your dreams could ever come true. I hope the post below helps.

“I’m a little nervous typing this but here it goes. I’m sorry if it’s a little long.

I’m a 37 year old man but have fantasied about BDSM and being a woman/sissy since I was 12. I was in deep denial about this however and thought that it would all go away when I got married. I’m a pretty conservative, strong type “A” guy after all and I am married to a very conservative lady. We both were virgins on our wedding night and I thought the real thing would replace my “silly” fantasies. But they did not go away. They actually grew stronger over the years. I spent the last 15 years of marriage in a cycle of purchasing, indulging alone, and then quickly purging. During all of that time I never whispered any of my desires or thoughts to a single soul including my wife. It was hard to admit these things even to myself. It took me until I was 32 before I came to grips with the fact that I am a submissive cross dresser and that I always will be.

My wife and I started engaging in BDSM play with each other about 5 years ago. It was my suggestion so we started small and worked our way up. It didn’t do much for her at the time but she indulged for my sake. She’s gotten more invested over the years though she is still far from a harsh Mistress. As such, I’ve always been the one to buy the materials, formulate the ideas. etc.

During her last pregnancy (2022), however, she started ordering bedroom items for the first time. This caught me completely by surprise. I recommended a few books to go along with her purchases, and so she ended up reading “The Mistress Manual.” I thought this would be a great way to give a soft introduction to my wanting to dress in women’s clothes and serve her because there’s a specific section of the book on archetypal fantasies and one is about sissy maids.

She asked me which of the five archetypal fantasies was mine, and I said the Queen, which involves a lot of sissy maid stuff. She was a little confused because it talks a lot about cleaning the house and doing chores, which I’ve never been especially fond of. She completely disregarded the dressing up in women’s clothes bit because she thought I would not be interested. When I said that I would be open to it in a shy way so as not to seem too eager, she agreed but still thought it was just part of the game play.

It was five days later when, thinking she already knew about my proclivities, I accidentally admitted to being a submissive cross dresser. She was surprised and said she didn’t know that. I was mortified! I had just admitted my deepest secret out loud, something that I had never admitted to any human being. The greatest dread of my life was realizing that I had admitted all of this to my conservative, relatively vanilla wife of 15 years. I thought she would hate me. I thought she would feel betrayed. I thought and felt all of the negative things I had always imagined.

My wife almost instantly proved me wrong. I still cannot quite fathom it! She has been so incredibly supportive and kind even after I have told her about every single time I dressed and every single fantasy I ever thought. I have completely unburdened myself to her. One of the first things she did was take me to get a pedicure (including toe nail polish), shopping for some female clothing, and new toys for the bedroom. She even encouraged me to write a few of my gender swap story ideas and self-publish online.

What makes all of the above even more incredible is my wife is not turned on in anyway by me being feminized though she’s fine playing with me feminized and is not in the least bit disgusted by it.

I really cannot believe the last three months have happened. I now have a drawer full of lingerie that I get to keep and wear under my work clothes every day (Mistress checks), a set of expensive breast forms to wear in the bedroom, and a BDSM app with our contract that tracks my chores, points, and punishments for Mistress. She even took me makeup shopping last week for my birthday (her idea). It’s been a bit challenging adapting to this new life under the radar due to our kids but it’s still my every dream come true!

If you would’ve told me even four months ago that this would be my reality then I probably would’ve slapped you in the face and called you a liar. I thought I would take all of this to my grave. I was prepared to because I love my wife and family and would never want to jeopardize that.

Moral of the story for those of you that might still be hiding, that figure nobody will ever understand and that it’s your secret forever, give your wife a lot more credit. I know my wife better than any living person and for the better part of two decades I assumed a negative reaction that did not come. I admitted by accident but man am I glad I did. We have so much more honesty in our relationship now, so much more understanding, so much more love. I would not trade it for anything. I wish I did it 15 years ago.

My wife and I really want to get into daily chastity now that she knows everything about me and is an active participant in my submissive cross dressing. She likes the control the chastity gives her over me and I am far more attentive and loving after even a few days of lock up. I’m also very motivated to complete chores which is essential since we have 5 kids. I have a Holy Trainer (v. 4) which I enjoy but have to remove periodically because it becomes too painful. It always starts well but my testicles are pretty large and even the largest HT base ring (55mm) becomes VERY tight as the days go on. Longest lock up without removal was 5 days. I’m very interested in tips and tricks to go longer.

I have been visiting this site since 2021 when me and my wife first started our chastity play. I have found much wisdom here and have benefited from many of your comments, stories, suggestions, and experiences. Thanks to all of you.”

 

Sure don't we men always over complicate things.
If we wanted to go to see a city on a weekend break. We would just say hey honey what about visiting let's say Paris for instance.
All I can say is I sat my wife down one day and said hey I'm really interested in chastity and we took it from there.
Now we have had to navigate what that means to both of us over the last 2 years some lows and some highs
But right now it's better than ever and why is that , well she's an amazing woman and tells me she just wants me to be happy.
She never objected to cage we found a level that suited us .
Two best things you can do is
Communication without it chastity will fail
And as said above honesty.
BTW communication works both ways if she is unhappy about some aspect you had better listen to her.