How to convince my wife to become my keyholder ?

It's not that complicated. Talk to her about it. 90% chance she'll say 'no, that's gross'. Be patient and bring it up from time to time. Not every woman will be okay and you might have to move on but it seems like many, at some point, grudgingly accept it at first and grow to really enjoy it. You really can't trick her into it. Takes time, patience and honesty.

 

Chastity is scary. In fact, it actually sucks being locked away in chastity. Of course I want to cum, and I am horny all the time. But have patience because the reward comes with time. Here is where the whole thing works out: Once she figures out that chastity makes you compliant and obedient to her wishes, she — you dearly hope — will like that control.

For the longest time, my wife wanted to control me within the give-and-take ways of a vanilla relationship. Even though I shared with her I really like the feeling of being owned and a D/s relationship using chastity would fit us well, she would only dabble in it and go back to vanilla. It's hard to be submissive without domination of some sort, so I gave up, too. And in those days she easily handed me the key if I asked for it. Giving up orgasms was hard. Still, we kept coming back to it, so I know she had an interest.

Now, she wouldn't have it any other way. She understands me better, understands that, really, I cannot resist her body and, even more so, her dominance, so why not use THAT along with chastity to control her man? She keeps the key regardless of what I ask, so I gave up asking. She likes ALWAYS BEING RIGHT about everything. (Rule 1.) I think all that control over me makes her even hotter. And I get used to chastity, embrace it as me and enjoy the clarity that comes with it.

 

To get your wife to accept your wanting to be Locked , you need to show her and explain to her How She will benefit from you being Locked. You have to make it about her and not about your sexual kink.

She needs to be able to see and feel the benefits of your Chastity by things like you doing more around the house and you massaging and caressing her more.

More orgasms for her and very few if any for you.
Their is no trick or planting of seeds. Good Luck.

 

I think MASH 2214. Has said everything that needs to be said.
I also had to get my wife to change. It has taken time,but she is coming around more and more.
I am now in my first 14 day lock down. After 10 months of 24/7

 

I read about another couple. They talked it over with her being reluctant. He started locking himself and leaving the key where they both could get it. He would not get the key without her knowing. If she wanted his penis either she would send him for it or get it herself. After the session he would relock and put the key back. That became the routine. After a while she started to keep the key to herself.

 

If your wife is vanilla and not the sort of person to surf tumblr and other such places then (1) her first reaction may well be disgust, horror, wondering who she has married etc (2) your concept and fantasy of chastity will be light years ahead of her knowledge (3) she may well hope it is no more than a fad that will go away (4) she may well resist the perception of loads more effort for her to satisfy your fantasy (see another recent post). She might read some chastity articles (mine did) and perhaps play around with play locking if you use toys in your sex life, but chances are she won't want to if she is vanilla (like my wife) as you say. So you'll probably not escape the need for an open and hard discussion to introduce your kink, when you'll be asked why you need a cage on your cock to do the things a good husband should do anyway, and that will expose all the 'benefits' you've read about as pretty hollow - she probably does not want control otherwise she would have taken it already, so as Mash has said before, you're really asking for a favour. If you get past that, aim for her acceptance of you wearing your cage with little involvement from her if that what it takes. Then do all those nice things you have promised unconditionally, without getting huffy that she is not teasing and denying you in the way you would like. Gradually, if you are persistent, she might start to embrace it and take baby steps towards your fantasy. chances are the faster you push the more she will resist.

Good luck. Some people here seem to get lucky and plunge into an exciting new world. Others of us (me included) take a much longer road of gradual steps but nevertheless seem to be getting there.

 

There wont be just one way to go about this - each case / person / couple are different. If she is totally vanilla , the whole concept will probably be so far off her radar that it would just go right over her head and she couldn't take it on board.

You are right to use the "planting" seed analogy - but remember that some seeds take a long time to grow!

In our case , the initial foray came as an extension of tie and tease play . We bought a cage, used it once and that was it. However a couple of years later , we have bought two more cages and she actually enjoys it - on her terms ! As it happens , the chastity concept fits our relationship and play very well.

 

I'd suggest writing a letter. Keep it simple. Avoid any other bombshells. This is not the time to bring up other kinks that you are interested in. Focus on the idea that you think it might be good for your relationship. Not sex, your relationship. A nice letter that very briefly outlines how it works. How you are offering to give her control of your sexuality. And how the reason is that you wish to feel closer to her than you ever have for several years, and maybe ever. You and your letter aren't talking about sex. If you focus on how a strange device will improve your sex, you will have a hard time convincing vanilla wives that they should try it.

Plant seeds, but for God's sake don't just suddenly show up nude in a cage! For some reason, a lot of guys think that it will be IRRESISTIBLE to vanilla wives once they see it, but it's not. To her, it's weird and extreme, and so foreign that you may as well announce that you like sex with airplanes. There can be a visceral repulsion that she may never recover from. Introduce it verrrrrrry slooooooowly.

She will need time to get her mind around the idea. Buy her a nice book that isn't full of other kinks, and leave her alone. Give her at least a month or two after you bring it up before you bring it up again. Hopefully she will ask you about it before you have to bring it up again, but she may want to pretend that you never said anything, and never speak of it again.

A vanilla wife has to be introduced to the concept like introducing a new puppy to a cat. You let her know it's there, then give her some time. You answer questions if she asks, and generally leave her alone otherwise. You let her know that it's not a threat to her, that it is actually giving her complete control, so she will never need to do anything that isn't her idea. She can be your keyholder, and vanilla at the same time.

Make sure to point out that this means that she can make rules that you will follow. We all fantasize that she will make us tell her hot friends, but her preferred rule may be that you are forbidden to tell anyone. Make sure she understands that only what she wants matters anymore, and you will do anything for her. Emphasize the idea that you are interested in this as a way to make your relationship closer, then give her a short example of what you are talking about (like maybe a link to a post here or on some blog--something without much kink). Then try to be as close to her version of a perfect you as you can manage. Demonstrate the benefits for her as much as you can without a cage (if necessary) and tell her that it will be easier for you to remain like that for her if she keeps you in chastity. Express that you wish to feel the same level of need for her that you felt when you were first dating. Emphasize that you are hoping that the chastity will bring back all of the *seduction* that has slowly slipped out of your relationship through natural means. Emphasize that your research shows that chastity may be able to help restore that wonderful feeling of fresh love for both of you. Remind her of how you used to be. Remind her of that one time she mentioned in passing that she likes bird houses, and by God you built her the best damn birdhouse ever just because you thought she might like it, and because you were obsessed with her. You were intoxicated with everything about her, and you wish to feel that intoxication again, perhaps indefinitely. And remind her of how it feels to have someone you love look at you with that intoxicated hunger, and wouldn't she wish to feel like that again, possibly indefinitely?

You clearly define what you don't want to do. By that I mean that when you drop this bombshell that you are interested in this kink, she is immediately going to wonder what other kinks you have been hiding. This probably will be completely bizarre to her. You seemed so normal, then suddenly you *want* to attach hardware to your genitalia? Seriously, WTF? On the face of it, it is just a bizarre request that will be hard to understand. I have the same desire, and I don't even understand it. Not understanding it may scare her. It's your job to make it non-threatening. Somehow.

And she will research and find all manner of other kink associated with chastity that will probably send her running if she isn't told that no, you aren't hoping she will start pissing in your mouth. You are merely hoping to bring flirting back into your relationship. You will try to woo her, and she gets to play hard to get, but coyly flirtatious. It's nothing she hasn't done before, except for the key.

Leave the kinks that you are interested in for a later time. Leave that for a time after she gets comfortable with chastity. After she is holding your keys and starting to boss you around. And then keep your fantasies to yourself, because at that time, only her kinks matter. If she goes along with it, eventually, perhaps, she may want to use your kinks as leverage, and she might ask. Only then should you share that you have another fantasy.

 

Start with serving her breakfast in bed and 'protecting her solitude'

 

@tecolote's entire response is quite lovely.

One quick note from my experience: I wrote a letter, generally quite similar in content to what @tecolote recommends. And in the end, it was helpful and got us started on important conversations that have led to a lot of relationship growth over a relatively short period of time (months though, not days!). BUT: I made, for our relationship, a terrible mistake by leaving the letter behind for her to find as I left for work, and not being available to talk about it until that night. She was furious, spent the evening yelling at me, and it was probably at least a week before we were able to start lovingly discussing the topic. Some of that might have happened anyway, but it would definitely been 100 times better if I'd given her the letter in the evening when I was there, so she could start asking questions right away, rather than spend the day going dark places in her imagination. I learned a big lesson!

 

Ask her to do some tease and denial. You know, just teasing you a bit while not allowing you to have an orgasm unless she explicitly allows it. If she's unwilling to try that, just forget about chastity, it's never gonna happen.
She probably will do it though because it's a fairly vanilla thing. After you've been playing with tease and denial for a while tell her that you're grateful for her trying this with you and how much you've enjoyed it. Then bring up chastity as something you'd like to try to make things more interesting.

I don't suggest this to somehow deceiver her or to "get a foot in the door" with something harmless. But you want to allow her to adjust to that idea slowly and not shock her with going 100% kink right off the bat.

 

Howdy,
I have some questions I think are pertinent to the answer to yours.
1. What is it that you would like to happen? End game, result etc. Are you just wanting to lock up and give her control? Do you want her to be assertive in her needs? Do you want to start more of a service role? Do you want to control your habit of touching yourself? Or maybe just create some foreplay and eagerness.
2. She consideres herself vanilla, but does she ever do things or show a willingness to try things that you like? Is she giving sexually, wanting to please you or is it my way or the highway (not judging, some people do not deviate from routine)?

To give any kind of valid advice we would have to know more about your desires, and her feelings on pleasing a partner for their sake.

My advice to men with “vanilla” wives is usually to come clean about your own desires and ask them for a favor. Tell them the reason why it turns you on, and say you need help to do it. This creates a lopsided structure (her giving and you taking), but for most vanilla wives isn’t out of their wheelhouse. Just remember if you choose this path, that she is doing YOU the favor, and that means no whining, nagging, or bugging her about how she is doing it.

If you are doing this because you think it would be great for foreplay, is hot, or want to create an induced need for her...I suggest simply telling her that you found out about something erotic that you would like to try. “I’ve fantasized about you holding the key to a cage on my cock, I can’t even get hard or touch myself unless you unlock me, I keep wondering how that would feel and wonder if you would give it a shot?”

The domme stuff, I would wait until your in chastity for awhile, and are more comfortable sharing your fantasies, and she’s more comfortable hearing them. Plus that might just open her up to sharing. This opens a whole new world of toys and communication.

Good luck, and remember, it doesn’t need to be a lifestyle choice, kinky, or a forever thing. It can be fun, occasional, and well...almost normal.

This is your partner, your best friend, and your confidant, sharing goes with the territory, just remember that she may not be into it and be ok with her just listening and acknowledging your desires, even if she doesn’t want to include them.

 

Over the past several years we've had several short-lived "flings" with chastity but my wife never got much into it and each one eventually fizzled and died. This time I decided to take a different approach. I told her that if she kept me locked she would enjoy the result so much that she wouldn't want to stop.

She agreed to try and I immediately began to do all the housework, laundry, etc., along with all the other things I already did around the house. The only thing she now does is cook those meals she wants to; otherwise cooking is mine responsibility, also. We're both retired, so finding the time to do the extra chores wasn't all that big a deal. After a month of this she is now beginning to really get accustomed to the fact that she doesn't have to lift a finger! In addition, despite her normal "goody two shoes" personality, she is beginning to discover that it can be amusing and even sexually arousing to hear me moaning while she teases my caged penis.

I've suggested to her that as she becomes more and more used to this as the new status quo she can think about being less "grateful" and more "demanding." We've even had very preliminary discussions of what kind of punishment she might have to use if I didn't meet her expectations. I suggested that isolation might be a non-violent punishment that would meet her dislike for hitting while, at the same time, being something that would drive me crazy. I'm way too ADHD/ADD to be kept in a corner or anywhere else for extended periods of time, possibly blindfolded, or at least deprived of any way of measuring the passage of time. I'm the kind of person who checks his smart phone every few minutes and being isolated for an hour or two would fee like an eternity!

We haven't yet needed to try a punishment, but sooner or later I hope we'll get there!

 

I completely agree with @tecolote. I have been married for almost three decades to a wonderful woman for whom sex is an afterthought. She was a virgin when we met. While she's pretty vanilla, she orgasms more quickly, while I go down on her, if I slip a wet finger into her back-door. We've had infrequent anal intercourse, and while she didn't go down on me for what seemed like 20-years (at least 10, dammit!) she does that once in a while now, too. A few years ago, I kissed my way down her tummy after cumming in her, and she had a bombshell O as I cleaned her up. Guess who gets to do that more now? But, it can be months between our sexual encounters! Even when we're together, and that's infrequent, as I live and work in another state.

I confronted her last spring, while on vacation together, because I have been having an orgasm every day since I was in my mid-teens. I said I was tired of being married for so long, still being madly in love with her (and her delicious body) and having to have most sex by myself. She could not have not known what I was doing, and seemed fine with the mismatch. I explained that I wanted to have more "us" time now, that all of the excuses of kid-raising, bill-paying and career development were now gone. I told her that I discovered male chastity while searching online for a solution for such grossly mismatched sex drives. During our discussion, I learned that post-menopausal intercourse hurts her, which I had suspected, but she finally admitted.

Over the course of the next few months I mentioned MC several times, and it was as if she didn't hear me at all. I tried to talk about it at Thanksgiving, but she shut-down. She gets too embarrassed to talk about sex. We were raised so very differently. Around Christmastime, while in the hot tub, I brought it up again, and explained it a bit. She said, "...and you WANT this?!?" I explained that there is more to sex than intercourse. Yes, there are things she can do to make PIV better (she is seeing a doctor who is an expert in therapeutic hormonal treatments) but if she wants to cuddle, kiss and make out, it doesn't have to always lead to intercourse - especially if she has a key! I cannot recall her ever having an orgasm from intercourse, and that I am happy to bring her to a climax with my fingers, tongue or toys (if she would just try them.) I explained that male chastity can be anything we want it to be. I have a big job, with a lot of responsibility, and if she would want to try being the alpha in the bedroom, I would like to try it too, as I think I am sexually submissive, but was afraid that she would lose respect for me as a man.

I let up on the chat quickly, because we covered way more ground than ever before, and I didn't want to hammer. Weeks passed. Nothing has been mentioned, other than, "I don't like to talk about that stuff." So I scoured this site and the Internet for a not too scary (kinky) website and/or book on the topic of male chastity. I finally selected Emily Masters' Taming the Caged Beast. http://brassiered.com/tamingthecagedbeast/index.html Thanks for the recco, but I cannot remember who here suggested it.

It's a quick read, and while you can read the entire book on her website, I bought and read the e-book. I then ordered a hardcopy paperback for my wife, but it didn't arrive in time for me to hand it to her in-person. So after a lovely (though apart) Valentines Day full of roses, chocolate-dipped strawberries and other treats sent to each other, I told her about the book in the envelope she had put on my desk last night, and that it was for her in recognition of "International Male Chastity Day." She asked, "That's a thing?" I said, "Sure! It's always the day after Valentines Day, where after a day of love, romance, passion and sweetness, the woman tells the man, 'Put that thing away. Lock it up.'" Her response, "Well then, you'd better put it away."

I told her that since it was hard for her to talk about it, she could read the book at her leisure, as time and interest permit. We could talk after Chapter 1, whenever she had questions, or not at all. I told her we could do some of it, just the things that interested her, or none at all. She can absorb it and ask questions over the phone, which might be easier than her struggle to do so face-to-face. I told her that other kinky things were mentioned in the book, but it was the best representation of what is in MC for the keyholder, and this book was more palatable than other books I had reviewed, and also many, many websites. I committed to letting her throw it away, and telling me that she had done so. I told her than I had almost taped a key into one of her Valentine's cards, but thought that it might be a bit much for her, so I elected not to.

Now comes the hard part: I promised not to bug her about it! I have been working at this for 10-months. I cannot think of how to go more slowly, gently, respectfully, and with less guarded hope, than the way I have done it. We've already talked on the phone twice since last night. Not a mention. I am dying to ask, "So did you open the book package on my desk?" but if I do, I lose, and I know it. Time will tell. @Epicure3375, I will keep you and this website posted on how it goes from here. I wish you the very best in successful getting to where you both want to be as a couple!

My hope is that soon, we both should have been more careful about what we wished for!!

-- Ready to "Giveitup."

 

Good luck, @Giveitup, it's plain to me that you're approaching this with sensitivity and love.