Getting started

I have been trying for about 2 years now. I am now at the point where if I work hard at being attentive and emotionally engaged with her for about 6 months she *might* be in the mood for intimacy. It's tough going because the feedback loop is so long.

There's no chance I can serve her naked and caged. Anything that makes her feel like I'm initiating sex instantly turns her off and makes her a little angry. I hope in time this will change. The foot rub is non-sexual to her. If I try to go further, like say, further up her legs she shuts down completely and the mood turns sour. I am also not allowed to look at her naked. So yes, she has put up walls. Really big ones.

 

No, it doesn't sound rude at all. I don't really know about her past because as I've mentioned we don't talk about stuff like that. However I do get the feeling she was more adventurous before she met me but she was also hurt a lot. I'm the only guy she's been with that she felt comfortable having kids with but that seems at the expense of passion. I'm a quiet, shy, introverted type of person. I'd be pretty adventurous if she took the lead though but it's really difficult for me to suggest stuff as I always fuck it up. I had a talk to her once a couple of years ago about me wanting sex and she got quite upset and angry that I even asked. She is definitely not a girl who will do "duty sex" which is why we've been in a sexless marriage for several years.

Also I'm quite inexperienced with relationships - I had my first girlfriend at about age 20 and then married my next girlfriend until we divorced just before my current marriage. So I expect you are right that we match each other's energy. I've not really got the skills under my belt to up my game in that department.

 

No, you didn't offend me

 

I mean anything physical. She gives me the occasional hug but that's it.

She's not the type to be emotional - 90% of the time she thinks and acts like a man and is very direct sometimes to the extent of shocking me. It's one of the things that attracted me to her and has led me to think an FLR is right for us. She never does the cold shoulder routine leaving me to guess what's on her mind. She just tells me straight.

I don't really know what "vulnerable" means (part of the problem I guess). To me it means weakness and she is far stronger and thick-skinned than me. I've never seen her vulnerable in that sense and I don't think she would ever want to be. If anything I'm the one who is more emotional and vulnerable.

I guess I just have to work out what she wants.

 

Firstly I want to say thanks for all the positive support. I'm humbled by the all the responses and advice.

A brief update: I was making idle conversation with my wife this evening and I got round to asking her if I was ok for for her and if I needed to improve in any way. She told me I was doing more than ok and I was a wonderful husband. I nearly blushed! After a pause she said "What about me? Am I doing ok for you?" For a split second I thought about saying I needed more physical expressions of her love if not asking for sex outright but the higher part of my brain reasoned this would cause her hurt so I replied she was amazing for me. Then I tried to get the my original thought over by saying how fit and sexy she looked and that I still found her extremely attractive which elicited a big grin from her. I think small steps like this are progress, well I hope so anyway.