Getting my KH to be more involved?

The Secret to a Happy Marriage (neocities.org)
Saw this web link on a recent post

 

You can read it on your phone no problem.

I showed this and other documents to my wife at the beginning, she read it and instantly rejected it. I think she got angry at the time, “I’m not like the women in these books” (something like that). I’m pretty sure she could write her own book these days, but it takes time.

Like you she’d already seen the benefit of me being caged, she just didn’t understand it.
What worked in my case was researching the hormonal changes through chastity etc.
I didn’t send her a links as I know she’d never read it all, too much. So I just made my own shorter notes explaining what happens. My Feelings. My Refractory periods. What certain things would do to avoid that etc.
Chastity is a personal journey in a relationship, by directing your KH to a generic book you’re taking that element of togetherness away.

It actually clicked for her when she banned the topic of chastity and had free rein to do exactly as she wanted. No pressure. Just trial and error.

Also, turns out she’s quite smart. When I showed her that it could take up to 10 days post orgasm to her back into the zone… she almost instantly told me that she wouldn’t want to waste 1 third of her time by giving me an orgasm every month…
That was a bad move, don’t show her that!

 

Yep. That’s what she said when I showed her my research! She’s a woman of her word!

 

It’s going to be entirely up to her as far as her level of involvement regardless of buying her books and showing her literature. You should ask her if she might want to read more on the subject versus providing it to her without her asking for it. That might create that pushback you’re worried about. My experience is that you just have to wait and be patient for her to find her own way and what she likes. There’s nothing wrong with polite suggestions as far as things to try. She may never be as “involved” as you’d like but the only way you will get anywhere with her id by letting her figure things out on her own while being encouraging and supportive to her efforts. Trust me, even 8 years later for me there are still a lot of things I wish my wife would do or try. But I also look at where we started and how far we’ve come in that time and there has been a lot of changes between the both of us and she is definitely much more domme and happily embraces her role. But she’s gonna do things her way at her pace. You just need to be patient and mature about the process and then one day it’ll smack you in the face and you won’t believe how things have changed.

 

Also as far as the locked and forgotten feeling you’re talking about… you’re probably getting just as much attention from your wife as you were before. Being locked up and not masturbating has made you hyper aware of your situation and feels like you’re getting less attention from her.

 

It takes time they say but sometimes I feel like I am in the same boat

 

An active keyholder is definitely huge, at least to the relationship my wife and I have. Before we start any kind of play, we set up some parameters. Mine are always that she has to actively participate in the "game". Now, I don't tell her how, I just tell her that it loses something for me if there's not active participation. This whole thing is a game of communication.

 

Have you tried just asking her?

I'm no expert as my wife was the instigator for us. But we do talk often and she loves for me to tell her how I am feeling and what works. She, of course, uses that feedback to determine her next moves. So in a way I can "tell her what to do", but there are several bits that make this work:

• I am always honest. In fact the cage is like a truth syrum for me. So I wont give her incorrect feedback just to get what I want.
• In the early days I told her things like: "For some reason, when I have access to the emergency key I don't feel as wound up", she would take it away and then compliment me a week later saying "You were right". In fact those dialogues very successfully got me in much deeper than I ever planned. She still chuckles about this.
  
• I seldom if ever phrase something as a request e.g. "I want you to edge me tonight"
• Instead I might say "I haven't felt very wound up lately, do you think it could be because I haven't been out of the cage in so long I am getting used to it?"
• These are genuine discussions and if she disagrees she will tell me so: "I get it, but the grandkids have been driving me crazy and you are just going to have to hold on until next week"
• Whenever possible I try to keep it focused on her (probably because I AM focused on her): "How are you feeling these days? Have I been a good sub? Anything you would like?"
• Sometimes I will try the "You know this cage makes me want to pleasure you, can I rub your feet tonight and maybe more if you feel it"
• That last one almost never fails.

Some women don't even want to hear about the cage, but you can still have similar conversations without mentioning "cage" or "chastity", etc. If she loves you locked and loves what it does then you have a good start.

 

Likewise, my wife a) is super smart, b) needs her time to figure out what she wants (without pressure), and c) when we were getting started needed an archetype role she could wrap her head around. So many sites and books are a complete turn off to some women. This helped set the stage and she could relate to they "why" and the "who". She also chucked over the chapter about 4 kinds of women presented with chastity. Type 1: Nope. Type 2: Maybe, Type 3: Okay and Type 4: Yes. At first she found herself somewhere between Maybe and Okay. It takes time, some humor, ideally some context, and a starting point to wrap her head around that dispelled the leather clad with a whip image. Though ironically she digs the whip now and is exploring more provocative and sexy attire.

Banning the topic helps, as well as not harping on it. She wants to be desired for herself, not a kink. So what if you're out of your mind horny...put that to good use on her. That's her stance. And it makes sense.

That said, locked and ignored needs to be addressed if a satisfactory dynamic doesn't develop over time. That means you can be minimally sexually satisfied just enough to keep you interested...which may mean you are out of your mind sexually frustrated and want way way more...too bad, that's all the carrot she needs to dangle to keep you going.. Communication is key, to clearly articulate what you need, etc.

Conversely, it may also help to find a balance in articulating your state of mind and desire. As my wife commented (in our first round of playing with chastity) that she didn't have "enough material to work with" in terms of tension between us that she could play on. While not running around saying how horny I was, I needed to create enough interest for her that she's having fun and has something to play off of to tease me with. It's totally a journey, we work on it every day. Lots of communication.

 

Hey John. Miss A and I have been at this since late 2020. It wasn’t until recently that she really began embracing our dynamic. For the longest time she thought is was just another kink I wanted to explore. What changed things for us, is we were having dinner and wine and home. I saw the deck of cards and said let’s play Black Jack (I’ve been teaching her for our upcoming Vegas trip). When we set down I told her the name of this game is “TRUTH”. The winner asks the looser a question. As we worked thru the game, I asked her numerous questions about Chastity and our relationship. I was surprised at some of her views. It brought out some deep discussions and we both shared a lot. From that point on it’s been different. 100s of text messages and notes to her were a waste of time. A glass of wine and 45 minutes of relaxed, honest, and open conversation completely changed her attitude about things.

 

Try thanking her for exploring chastity with you and ask her what fantasy she has that you could help her explore.

 

It sounds like from this little exercise with your partner that you've discovered one of her love languages is quality time and connectedness. Maybe words of affirmation are not the best way to show your love to her. Planning dinners Alone Together without the TV or other devices and having thought-provoking questions to discuss have made a huge difference in my relationship with my wife. She came to the realization this weekend that quality time is maybe most important to her.

 

My first experience was dating a very dominant Lady ,then having her live with me. She had already sentenced me to 30 dats of no sex for mentioning an old girl friend ,so I knew what I was getting into ,and loved it. My trouble , like yours is she didn't take it any farther . We were vanilla except for my chastity . One day on a weekend I brought her breakfast in bed . She said how nice it was and called me "good boy" , that reminded me of how you praise a dog ,and was very turned on by it. My sexual arousal was such a high that I blurted out that I loved hearing her praise and told her I will do what ever will please her . I promised to always bring her breakfast in bed on weekends ,then I kissed her hand and told her it meant so much to know I pleased herm, and I will make sure I to do my best to make her happy from now on. While I still was in my submissive high I brought her a pen and note pad ,and asked her to right down anything she would like me to do around the house . She told me she thought it was a mans job to take her car to the car wash to clean inside and out . Then she wanted rocks brought to the front garden as decorations ,but so far didn't write it down.. Days passed and I had washed her car and placed the rocks where she pointed to. When the next weekend arrived and I had taken her breakfast in bed again ,this time with a rose in a little container too. When she again thanked me I told her how much I loved to make her happy . She wrote a few things in the note book and said that was for the coming week. From there Things progressed to her taking control of just about everything ,including sitting by her and watching stupid chick flicks on tv ,after I finished washing the dishes . It was amazing how fast she came to casually telling me to do something . I had showed her I'd stop what ever I was

The only dominant Lady I lived with was hesitant to " ask " to do something .like wash her car. But It soon became something she "ordered " me to do . Shortly after her living with me I brought her breakfast in bed ,she said how nice it was ,and said " good boy " .I loved feeling like I was her dog. It got me on a sexual high ,and I blurted out that for this kind of thanks I'll bring her breakfast every weekend. I kept on the topic of I wanted to please her and for the rest of the week I'd ask her how I could please her ,making sure it wasn't sexual . It didn't take long for her to write a list of assignments down in a note pad for me to carry out each week . When we were still just dating I mentioned an old girlfriend and she was furious, she promised me no sex for 30 days . That is how my chastity began ,soon she found fault with something else and added another 30 days . Meanwhile I was giving her massages after going down on her ,and massaged her until she fell asleep .
That is how I became her slave , I would ask permission before doing anything on my own, and was always asking how I could make her life more pleasant.. It wasn't long before her dominating personality was in full bloom

 

Someone link me the 10 days thing. I've never gone 10 days without orgasm, at least not since years ago when I did self imposed chastity (noFap) to break porn induced ED (think I went almost 30 days then).

 

My situation is similar. I think a lot of guys have similar situations. Basically we're
the guys introducing this to our vanilla women who are not femdom type women. So for them it's a hard thing to get into. Generally we "top from the bottom" and screw it all up and she stops playing along. Basically you have to be more patient than you want to be. I screwed up chastity play with my wife and now I'm just patiently waiting and hoping she'll try again some day. I'm going to have to shut my mouth, and just suffer thru next time until she can grow into the femdom mindset. Unfortunately if you want frequent sexual attention from your wife you're probably better off not doing chastity play. So that'd a hard thing to accept, that giving your woman control of your sex life probably means much less sex.

 

The dream can come true but you have to be doing it for the right reasons.... Her joy and pleasure, your whole hearted devotion to her.

 

I agree!

 

This is absolutely spot on.

We get so caught up in expectations and fantasies that we forget ourselves. What do we need from this?
What we need is actually very little… but we make it so complex, we get so caught up in our own thoughts that we lose sight.

What do we need? Nothing much.
1.) Hold the key.
2.) Show signs of acknowledgment that you are holding the key. This can vary from person to person but it’s the same principle.

This allows us to, for want of a better phrase, ‘shut the f**k up’ about chastity.

That gives space for your partner to grow and direct this into the course they want it to take. Ultimately, that’s enough because whatever course they take is actually the one they are happy with. That is the driver, we want to please our partners.

 

https://cuttothechaste.net/the-science-of-male-chastity/
This was the questionably scientific study I started with. Not sure if the 10 days is included in that…
Like I said, went off and did my own research.

 

I agree. The signs of acknowledgement can vary from "thank you for supporting me in my managing my sexual energy" to "hey, this is creates fun dynamic between us...I hope you agree", "it really does take the confusion off of me and my sexuality so I can focus on you and what you want", etc.

For me, chastity amplifies the need for communication and cements a dynamic of "nothing will happen unless you intend it to".

On the back end of this, there needs to be a basic agreement along the lines of "locking back up immediately after activity", so there is no ambiguity. But it shouldn't be her needing to police and enforce...unless that's her thing and she's having fun with it. The whole dynamic needs to live in the background and just run, but still be present and not ignored.

 

Thanks. My keyholder wife is a medical doctor so she will find this very interesting. I've actually told her before that woman may get oxytocin from hugs and cuddling but men get it from penis stimulation (maybe not scientific but still).

 

I think there is some truth to that. Since my penis is locked 24x7, my wife stimulates my other erogenous zones. I'm sure it's oxytocin along with dopamine that are making me feel so good when we're intimate.

I'm really curious how your wife views all of this.