Earlier this week, my Keyholder Wife, @MistressAMA, and i had a miscommunication. Nothing significant, but with the stress of Covid and work, i did not handle it well. I snapped at Her and made Her feel like it was Her fault and She felt bad. We patched things up later that night, but the damage was done. I received an "F" for my weekly behavior grade and have lots of punishments to do and got an extra 10 days till climax, minimum. She sympathizes with my reasons, but said "24x7 is 24x7", and She's right-- that's the dynamic we're striving for. How do you all remain in sub mode when you're in a sour mood, especially in hiding your frustrated expressions and sharp words in the moment? asa
Wow, excellent question. We all have weak moments and slips in attitude. Even without stresses, actions can revert back to prior ways. I was always told to wait a beat, a second or two, before responding to anything. But that is easy said and done. I hope she was able to suitable correct you so you might remember before doing something similar again.
Obviously didn’t feel that bad if she didn’t understand you point of view. I think you should take a one week Holliday so she understands how good you are to her and so she appreciates you. You could also punish her back for being an unfit mistress.
This happened to us recently for similar reasons and it was not the first time. It is my biggest dilemma in this lifestyle. She handled it so well this time. She did not fly off the handle but just got us to lie together and talk it all through while cuddling eachother. It took some time but eventually I calmed down realising that I was wrong in my reaction. She could detect that my submissiveness was being restored. We then decided I needed a sound spanking. She brought me to tears. That was 4 days ago and my bum is still red, purple and sore.
I recently said something to my KEYHOLDER she did not say anything about till today. I said it Tuesday nite. All she has said was she did not Appreciate what I said and she hope I enjoyed our last play time because it will be a long while before we play again. I have to reprove myself.
Being in "sub mode" or in a FLR does not silence your voice or erase your mood. My BR is human and I cherish his crazy moods and welcome real emotion. We disagree like every other couple. My relationship is not one where my husband is punished for snapping in the moment under the stresses of life. My fear here would be I would silence the realism of our relationship. When he or I speak in anger towards each other I expect we both apologize and patch things up with the freedom to speak our mind. I do not think being human warrants punishment. There are other techniques that can be used here to refocus BR and help him see the error of his ways. Our path is not your path. There is no right or wrong only choices made and lessons learned.
You learn to always leave a pause after you think of a response, before you say anything. This is your "spellcheck/edit" pause, and you use this 3 second buffer to help you speak correctly. You make it something you always do. Even exaggerated at first, until it becomes normal. You are her servant, act like one. Give reasoned, logical, succinct and to the point answers, calmly. That is your job. I was taught this by a Mistress for whom I was a full time sub. I had to speak clearly, in speech and content, spelling out the pertinent information with the least amount of words so there would be no misunderstandings and no wasting of her time, and definitely no shouting..! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but we are to never do harm to the wonderful women we serve. They are special treasures we have found - we were lucky enough to have found, and our chosen roll is beautiful service with love and care, and great discipline. So no shouting... : ) .
We are all human, there will be times we all step outside of our roles (for want of a better word). Certainly I agree with @MrsBR_Saiph you shouldn’t not silence your voice, we are human and to hold stress is it the worse thing you can do. The main thing is you resolve it between you and not let it affect life with punishment or not (depends on if your a brat or not lol). I know personally I have moments.
Well said! Same thing here. When we are stressed and burdened, sometimes an argument happens. I think it would be unhealthy to punish my sub for natural disagreements that are part of life. He only gets punished for breaking agreed upon rules within our chastity dynamic, not for being a little moody or sulky sometimes.
Mrs BR_Saiph, You sound like a very reasonable and smart KH, as I have noticed this in several of your posts throughout CM. Makes me feel much more "normal" because I also think that a FLR will never work if the R (Relationship) is not the strong base on which everything else is build on.
Wouldn't agree on the word "role" as this is something we play, which might totally ok, but might not be the correct word for a FLR (as you also spotted in your post). I use the term "submissive space" or just place (within the agreed power exchange/dynamic)
Mrs BR_Saiph and LiLith are right, we are humans and have emotions. Without them you would just have robot; that being said I agree with Lockitman that you should always think before you speak, the 3 second buffer will serve you well. There are times when mistress may require absolute compliance due to some major misconduct , your punishment but normally we have to respect human emotions.
Every now and again Lady C and I snap. Sometimes its because we're tired, sometimes stress. I do have a tendency to be grumpy, especially when I'm tired, but later when I'm feeling better I always take time to apologize. Doesn't mean I miss out of the punishment, that is the way of our relationship. Like you, 24x7 means 24x7 and its not something I get to choose when I can switch it on and off, and on reflection wouldn't want to. From my perspective, upsetting Lady C was one of our primary motivators in going down the domestic discipline route. So she doesn't get upset (ok, not so much now), she picks up a strap, cane or paddle and vents her annoyance. Either way the balance has been restored, I annoy her, she punishes. But the apology and hug afterwards is important
The punishment is not so much for being human and snapping. It is administered when his reaction breaks the rules, and being offensive and nasty towards her is not permitted in our agreement. Punishment can help train him to think first and discuss. Actually, excusing his behaviour as human could provide him with a subtle pathway to allow him to control from the bottom.
Thank you all for such well-written replies. I especially appreciate @MrsBR_Saiph and @MRS.Lilith for taking time to reply. I do want to clarify that my Keyholder Wife, @MistressAMA, is not asking me to bottle my emotions or prohibiting me from expressing my thoughts, just requiring me to present them in a more thoughtful and respectable manner. Good advice, @MissyB and several others echoed this. I will work on this. Taking a moment to think it through would've helped us avoid a fair bit of stress. Nice to know i'm not alone in this. Luckily, my punishments are not corporal since our daughter is home, but they're still enough to get me to stop and think before reacting next time. This is so well said, @LockitMan and not harsh but honest. She has come so far to be my Dominant and i don't want to break that down. It's not easy being a Domme and i want to make Her life as happy and pleasurable as possible. asa
Being sub does not mean that we cannot be angry about anything. But even at that time, we stay still in the cage. The good thing about my GF is that whenever our fight starts escalating, She calms down. But after a while when everything becomes normal, She counts this all behavior and increases the cage time by 2 or 3 days. And if she is wrong. She decides not to touch my penis for 2-3 days. Meaning that anyone's fault, the time of the cage will increase. So it's better to control ourselves while fighting with the one who's on top.
It’s not easy, but the way I look at is that it’s my job to control it, it’s my place to be submissive, and my role is as her servant.
Yep. The greatest struggle for me, and my greatest triumph is when the red haze clouds my vision and I see it for the beast it is. Whether I'm being chastised 'unjustly' or suffering some other indignation to my sensitive man ego, or just disagreeing about any hot topic. When I can wrestle it down and converse in soft tones and genuine desire to understand her viewpoint (which is nearly always the right one), and not carry on like the brutish Neanderthal that is within all men, then I've obtained something I can be proud of. I do pretty well, but sometimes the roiling river of emotions are a bit too visible upon my face. I can always do better.
This is an issue that W/we sometimes run into. I've never found that balance between censoring and just having it all come out unfiltered. There's things I feel good and bad about both in the moment as well as afterwards.
Noted and on it, Governess! Also, if anyone on here can mail U/us some cake sticks from Bill's Donuts in Centerville, OH, W/we can become instant friends.