First we have the self lockers who are not being submissive to anyone since they do not have a Keyholder. There are also guys who become submissive at the click of the lock. Others are submissive in other areas of their sex life and chastity is just another add on like putting a blindfold on someone bound and gagged. Then there are guys like me. Not submissive by nature and do not think women are superior and to be worshipped. I do not feel submissive despite being locked up over 4 year and my wife determining my orgasm schedule. I have given my wife control, not my submission. I can end this any time I want to. I do chastity because I owe her for sharing her girlfriends with me for 30 years of our marriage and looking the other way when I dated other women. We are in the last phase of our life and it is only fair that she controls our sex life since she spent most of our marriage sharing me with other women. So chastity is something I do to give her the control I used to have over our sex life. It is for her to try to catch up with the number of orgasms I had over and above hers. I also do it because I love her and my extra attention towards her makes her feel sexy and desirable again. She laughs at the control she has over my penis in bed and loves to tease me throughout the day in various ways. She also likes how calmer my alpha personality is when denied. In our minds there is no D/s relationship that so many have who are into chastity. She does not want me to be submissive and she is not capable of being dominant even though she sometimes tries to play at it. Women have long been denying men sex and/or orgasms since the beginning of mankind to control men and get them to do what they want them to do. That is control, not dominance since the guy has a choice to find someone else to take care of his orgasm needs. Any guy who truly believes there is no way to escape a chastity device either cannot overpower a woman, see a locksmith or call the Police. He is not being dominated but rather he is submitting. I always post that s sub can be submissive or not with no one else's permission. A domme cannot dominate without the consent of the sub and must top what they are doing if they hear the sub's safe word. So tell me, who really had control? The one who can be a sub without needing consent of the domme who cannot be a domme unless they get consent. A conundrum. So there are at least 3 shades of gray when it comes to chastity. Probably more and yet few do just chastity. They either have a D/s element like a FLR or are into sissy play. Few are like us who are into it for just the tease and denial part with no domme or sub except in the bedroom if even that. I attribute our longevity to viewing chastity as just a sex game where there is a willing giving of power from me to my wife limited to just one aspect of our life and for a limited amount of time. Chastity has become intertwined with BDSM and Cuckolding that it takes a back seat to those other larger fetishes. There does not have to be any D/s, just an exchange of power over orgasms and even then, that power can be revoked at any time. I do not view that as submission. More of a desire. What are you thoughts on the dynamics of chastity?
It's refreshing to see someone who is not pretending to be submissive and admits it how it is. That is what annoys me most, when males approach me and say "I will do anything to serve you", they obviously won't and that can be proved in a few words. If they admitted what they actually wanted they might get further.
It's refreshing to read an account of someone who doesn't become a different person or role play when the cage is on. Our story doesn't include any D/s stuff. Like Vinny, I do it because it's something my wife enjoys and in all honesty it seems to be the only way we can can have a happy sex life. There is a sense where I, like Vinny, kind of feel like I owe it to my wife after she suffered for years and male chastity gave her a chance at enjoying sex. Once she expressed how she felt about it, I couldn't bring myself to say no even though it wasn't really what I wanted at the time. It is very helpful for any couple to disassociate sexual desires and fantasies from pre-packaged internet pornography scenarios and get to the heart of what they really need and want. There are all kinds of stories on the internet about wives becoming nymphomaniacs and orgasm machines once a husband is locked up. My wife always craved cuddling, touching, and kissing. Now she gets that stuff all she wants. She doesn't always need an orgasm and sometimes just wants the other "boring" stuff. Sometimes she will bring herself to climax for my pleasure more than for her own. If for some reason I wanted to turn this into a D/s thing, it would be a huge turnoff for her. She is submissive naturally and likes my naturally dominant nature. If I got into acting submissive or cross dressing or any of that stuff, she would think I was losing my mind.
I think there is a whole spectrum of grey in chastity as well as the FLR spectrum. I think in some ways @Vinny you are splitting hairs. If you are granting your wife a degree of control and "submitting" to that control you are to some degree being submissive. I agree with your point that the bottom has control over the situation to some degree in that if they want to stop they can, but that is an all or nothing proposition. I could over power my wife, take the key, unlock and put on some porn and masturbate. The problem with that is that I would be throwing away any hope of this lifestyle. In essence my only options are to submit or take the nuclear option. So I submit. For me I enjoy how the submission makes me feel. Punishment spanking is a great example of this. I don't like it when she administers a spanking. I am genuinely scared or nervous in the moments leading up to it and in pain when it happens and I want it to stop. However after it's done I feel what I can only describe as a submissive glowing warmth. Same thing for household shores. I never made a bed in my life. Always struck me as silly because you were just going to sleep in it again. I now make the bed every day. I do it only because I know my Mistress loves a neatly made bed. I actually feel myself being aroused while making the bed because I know my service brings her pleasure. When she tells me to strip and bend over my desk for a spanking I can choose to say no and there's nothing she could do to make me. I could choose to leave the bed a mess and there's nothing she could do to change that. You could unlock and have an orgasm today, but neither of us will do those things because we choose submission as our best outcome. The degree of our submission is different, but it is still submission. Only an animal can be a complete submissive to a human in the sense of complete control.
your story is much like mine. My wife and I have a great relationship and she is uncomfortable trying to be a DOM although from time to time she does like to give a warm hand to my ass. But then I enjoy that as well, but not really as a sub. I like to hand out a good spanking and do from time to time. Chastity gives her the control of when and IF I will have an orgasm and that excites me as much as it does her. She knows I love to giving oral and making it last as long as she can handle it and that it is up to her if I get to have a release. I am locked 24/7 but if I wanted to quit chastity tomorrow (no way) I could and there would be no hard feelings. We will go to BSDM clubs and participate or just watch and get new ideas from time to time, so for us this is how it works and we seem to want to add more to the mix.
It's funny how differently people accept the same thing yet put such different conditions on it. Some kh's say fine but I don't want to be some dominatrix. Some say fine but if I'm in control, I'm in control. With my kh, it was in for a penny in for a pound. If she was going to take on being in control of the key, my sexual activity etc...then she was going to be in charge of other things as well. Discipline, domestic service...were things she wanted as we went forward.
You bring up some very good points but it does not have to be a question of submitting or the nuclear option. As we have done for 45 years, we talk about what works or not, and adjust accordingly. Just as nuclear nations do, we do not go nuclear, we negotiate. We never do things to each other that is not wanted to be done. We are constantly changing how we do chastity. I am not in a situation where my wife is dominant and would give me an ultimatum. If either of use tires of the game, we stop playing it and find another fetish. We have done that with all the fetishes in Fetlife. I know it is different when you have a wife or girlfriend who wants to dominate you her way or no way. I never had a relationship like that because that is something I do not allow in any facet of my life. We are disarmed so that we cannot go nuclear. We discuss and then make changes so both of us are happy doing chastity. There is never an all or nothing situation. If I insist on an orgasm when my wife prefers that I wait longer, she will hold me and tell me why I do not really want an orgasm as well as how it will affect here. So far that has worked all the time but the worst that can happen is that she unlocks me, leaves me alone to masturbate and then lock up when done and give her the keys back. If I kept insisting on orgasms every time I wanted that, it is not chastity play as there is no exchange of control. I control our finances and my wife does not feel that is an act of submission on her part to allow me to do that. In the end what does it matter what labels we put on things. In the early 70's my wife was labeled as a lesbian because the bisexual label did not exist yet. Later on she was labeled as bisexual. Two different labels for the same thing. I was labeled ( due to having sex with two gay friends), bisexual, gay, hetero and finally, heteroflexible which is a person not sexually attracted to their same gender, view themselves as straight but under the right circumstances, could have sex with a member of their own gender. We are who we are no matter what we are labeled or label ourselves. Lots of great replies. Chastity can be boring to write about unless you make us stuff. How many times can you post that you are locked up and did not orgasm, before it gets boring.
As usual I like your posts, very thought provoking. I still maintain that at some level you are submissive to your wife and she is dominant to you. Probably at the very consensual end of the spectrum. For me there are things I don't like. Sometimes it's hard getting up early and making the breakfast and getting kids ready for school. I just want to roll over and go back to sleep like I would have when it wasn't my responsibility. I don't think it's as black and white as doing something against your will. It's doing what she expects of you whether you want to or not. I probably fall somewhere in the middle between yourself and the boot licking iron clad lock me forever crowd. Not that there's anything wrong with boot licking.
I think the most important thing to bear in mind is that there are no rules with regard to chastity. I've seen people asking if it's ok to do this or ok to do that when locked up and there are always many people willing to step in and quote rules. There are none. Simply do as you like. Do what feels right. And don't harm anyone in the process.
@Mascara Snake, Ms. Amanda, is right - as usual - there are no hard and fast rules for chastity, it can even mean not wearing any kind of device at all, although in my experience that does require some determination and preferably some assistance and morale-boosting from an interested partner. It was mostly to do with selfless devotion, we never treated it as a game. We played Scrabble for that.
There is one rule: do what you both enjoy doing. Forcing any role on any of you will only cause harm. Becuse of that, there is entire spectrum of possibilities. Some will find themeselves in one end of it with thrill of cuckolding, while others will only reap fruits of build-up arousal with predetermined time of release. Others will find themeselves outside of this spectrum. D/s is an agreement, a play. I give you part of control and you give me something else in return. As long as both side agrees on terms and conditions the game can continue. Otherwise it is abuse or some erotic fantasy. Chastity work the same way, there is control part in form of chastity cage and keyholding, and play rules with you both agree upon. Of course you can free yourself, but if you don't keep your part of the deal, why other side should (It's funny that in case of chastity, keyholder don't need to do anything to achive that, you do it to yourself)? Even in self-chastity if you use some kind of electronic domme, or even you are faithful to your own set of rules, you are in specyfic kind of D/s dynamic, even if you play solo. To sum up as long as there is chastity involved there is D/s dynamic, because you surrender part of your freedom to somebody/something else. And if you don't play by the set rules, then what's the point of playing at all.