Can you train a guy to be more romantic?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Freaky Rabbit, Sep 10, 2019.

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  1. Freaky Rabbit
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    Freaky Rabbit Member

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    My wife the other night broke down, and told me she would like me to be more romantic. She has a fantasy of our anniversaries, to be magical time, somewhere in Greece, or in Vegas, in a jacuzzi, with wine, and flowers, watching stars, etc. She is frustrated with me, because she said "I don't do any of that".

    The truth is I try, but something is holding me back. I am pretty stingy with money. Also, in my opinion, she has very high expectations, and often my efforts are not very much rewarded, mostly I hear, she is frustrated with me. I am bit afraid not to be good enough, so I rather don't do anything. Our anniversaries have been 50% ruined, with fights etc. I am bit afraid of these romantic times. I rather get beaten down in a basement, where I don't have to make decisions on my own, which could be criticized. I also rather go to free adventure to jungle in Peru, rather than expensive Europe trip.

    I voiced an idea to her, which sounded like it could help us, and I said: "What if this could be part of our chastity training? What if you trained me how to be more romantic for you, and as a reward I get kinky play, orgasms etc."

    What do you think? Can romantic manners be trained? how do you deal with this? Do we have a problem in our relationship?
     
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  2. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    I often wonder how couples that want completely different things got together in the first place.
     
  3. Chat408
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    Chat408 Owl always love you
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    I had the same issue, so before we started chasity, we had a discussion about how we did things his way for 30 years and now it was my turn. I too wanted romance. Romance to a woman can mean many things, but in my case it was more thoughtful time spent on his part. I suggested he start doing one romantic thing a month. A few examples are:
    1. If we are eating dinner, put some candles out, and music on.
    2. Go on a picnic
    3. Don't buy me flowers, they just die, think of something else I would like

    He took those examples and ran with it. Some of the things he did are as follows:
    1. All of the above
    2. Put his ball cap on me during a rainstorm so my glasses didn't get spotted
    3. Learned to dance, then danced with me at my sister's wedding (my favorite)

    Have a discussion about what she would like, then put that plan on action. None of mine were about money, but instead more that he was thinking outside his box on what I would like.
     
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  4. jmanque
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    jmanque Active member

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    My guess is that your SO wouldn't think that very romantic.

    Yes, you have a problem with your relationship. She wouldn't be complaining if you didn't. As to how serious it is, that's something those outside the relationship can't determine.

    It sounds like she's doing her best to accommodate you with your chastity desires, though it may be her kink, too, so why don't you just try a bit harder to make her dreams come true, even if it doesn't come naturally? In other words, train yourself. Romantic doesn't have to be expensive, though in some people's minds the two are intertwined, so if you've got limited funds and a partner who associates 'romance' with private planes and $300 a bottle champagne things might be difficult for you. But you could try some spontaneous romantic things- like surprise flowers, putting on your best suit and taking her to dinner when she isn't expecting it. You can get up early and make her breakfast in bed (don't forget the flower in the vase), give her a massage without pressuring her for sex, or just put your arms around her unexpectedly and tell her how much you love her, again, without expecting it to lead to a bedroom trip.
     
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  5. jmanque
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    jmanque Active member

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    Great minds think alike... though I did suggest flowers :p.
     
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  6. loricat
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    Good suggestions so far.

    I would find out what her love languages are. (here's a link if you don't know what these are: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2018/06/the-five-love-languages-defined/) They might be the complete opposite of yours, so it might feel difficult to remember. For example, my husband obviously values 'words of affirmation' - but I don't. It's hard to remember at times to affirm him verbally or in writing. I'm sort of thinking hers might be quality time and gifts - not that gifts have to be expensive, but they do have to be thoughtful. I personally think love languages boil down to one thing: ATTENTION PAID.

    She wants wine in a hot tub? Trust me, there's a hotel or resort near you that has a hot tub in the room, or a private hot tub attached to the room. The off season is coming - prices will go down. She wants to gaze at the stars? An evening picnic on a mountain top with wine and cheese is easy to arrange.

    And consider the word you used: 'stingy' - is that her word or yours? I doubt she wants you to bankrupt yourself/your relationship. She just wants something she wants. Take her to Paris - you'd be surprised how inexpensive it is. Rent an apartment for a few days, go out in the morning and buy baguettes and have coffee in a cafe. Go to the museum. Then go on an adventure hike on your next vacation.

    I also want to point out that you 'offered' her the option of making it part of YOUR chastity training. Take a good long look at that. Who exactly does that benefit? Who is getting the attention there? Your chastity is your kink. It's your fetish. It's how you get off (or don't). She may enjoy it, but your love languages seem to be acts of service and quality time - which you're getting, in spades. All she is asking for is a bit of reciprocation.
     
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  7. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    If you can train a squirrel to waterski then you can train a man to be romantic. It might be fake, it might be for other reasons then to just be nice and romantic, and it may take positive reinforcement, but making someone do things they don’t not want to do requires motive for the most part.

    I don’t know how willing she is to “force” you to act differently, from my brief knowledge of the opposite sex, if they have to remind you to think about them, their feelings, or well being, it defeats the purpose of it.

    My advice, start small. You don’t have to whisk her away to far away lands and picnic in the park. How about a 2 day vacation in a city close by, go see a show or event, go to dinner and drive home after a great weekend. Not for an anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or birthday...just cause you love her and appreciate her. Maybe set the table from now on for her. Make sure she gets to sit and relax after supper and you do the dishes (not just leave them there for later unfinished dishes can give some people anxiety). Make her a great dinner of something she likes. Maybe get her friends phone numbers and surprise her with a girls night out and a few bucks to have fun with.

    I don’t really know you but some take their partner for granted, so showing appreciation, relieving some of their burdens and responsibilities, or just plain taking care of yourself so she doesn’t have to, can feel pretty romantic.

    Then you can work on picnics in Paris.
     
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  8. Unlucky
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    Unlucky Active member

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    What does she do that is romantic?
     
  9. L-u-c-y
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    Exist :)
     
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  10. Unlucky
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    My question was a serious one and not just a question of whether she expects him to do things that she doesn't bother with though that was part of it. What she does gives him a good baseline of what she likes.
     
  11. LucyAnne
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    As in all things communication is vital. If you want my advice I think you need to sit down and have a long frank and open talk with your partner, as somebody else has said ask what her love languages are and try to find ways to indulge those love languages.

    I know early in my relationship I was emotionally absent as I was to busy indulging my own self gratification and that led to my KH feeling sad and alone and I could have risked loosing them until we started chastity play and even then it was not a fix for our relationship, what it took was me making a concerted effort to be both a better person and a better partner, being more aware and present in our relationship and showing my KH I was here with them and invested in them.

    Maybe your partner is feeling as neglected, maybe you need to stop holding back and commit to the relationship more? I don't know its hard to say but if you want to save the relationship you need to do something more than you are already doing so maybe look for areas you can improve in?
     
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  12. Anonoman
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    Anonoman Active member

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    I believe that a lot off people do this with all things in life. Especially true of a lot of wives/partners/KHs (and us) with kink, keyholding... being romantic. We expect much from them: to take-on some thing they have never considered, may just about tolerate and ‘own’. Then complain and ‘top from the bottom’ when there not doing it ‘right’!

    Being romantic isn’t difficult, it just needs some thought and a little planning.

    Expectations of expensive gifts and holidays are a different thing. (May not apply to you and your wife)
     
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  13. titaniumjones
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    titaniumjones Crouching Robot, Hidden Dragon

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    Don't be! I only started to enjoy my vacations when I completely ignored the money. Honestly it is never as bad as I imagine at the end of it.

    I travel a lot for work, and shit happens. The key to enjoying your travel is not to be rushed. If your anniversary is on a Saturday, say, you want to be travelling to your destination on Wednesday. That gives you time to get there, unwind and prepare for your 'big day'
    The problem with the 'Big Day' is you build it up in your mind and you can never achieve what your imagination has prepared.

    So in a nut shell, my advice is;
    Forget the money. It's gonna be bad no matter what, but never as bad as your fears!
    Allow more time than you think you could possibly need. Imagine your worst case scenario and add a day to it.
    Don't try to imagine what you are going to achieve, simply have a vague plan of what you want. If you imagine the detail, you will fail. If you have a vague concept and go with the flow you'll enjoy it much more. This way you wont be fighting the events, you'll be bending with them. If everyone is relaxed the night will flow naturally and everyone will enjoy themselves.

    Just remember, shit happens. The question is do you slip in it and face plant or do you simply step past it and move on.
     
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  14. titaniumjones
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    titaniumjones Crouching Robot, Hidden Dragon

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    addendum:
    On our last holiday we were running late. We had a dinner reservation at 8 and we arrived at the hotel at 7:20.
    After checking in and getting to our room, showering and changing, we arrived at the restaurant a little panicked.

    "Good evening Sir"
    "Yes, we had a table reservation at 8"
    "Very good sir, Mr Jones?"
    "Yes"
    "Would Sir care to take drinks on the patio?"
    "Our reservation was at 8, is there time for drinks on the patio?"
    "There's ALWAYS time for drinks on the patio, Sir"

    Suddenly a huge boulder fell off my shoulders and we relaxed. That set the mood for the entire holiday.
     
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  15. madams-sissysub
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    Of corse we can be trained to be romantic! I am lucky though, as my madam is not romantic, she also finds flowers a waste of money, would rather me buy her shoes or clothes, she also finds fancy restaurants a waste of money (again, could of had a pair of shoes for what that cost!) and she finds it amusing when I try to be a bit romantic. But if that’s what your wife wants, then you should get to it! As after all, it is all about her!
     
  16. locked_top
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    locked_top Caged tiger

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    Lots of good advice here. She's telling you what she wants, and part of "romantic" is that it's unforced.
     
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  17. mcfeely
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    mcfeely Active member

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    Go with the love languages to see what really is going to float her boat. All the things you listed seem nice but usually fall short and are a "disappointment". You go on a picnic, ants get in the food. The hot tub has too much chlorine. The hotels in Paris don't have AC etc... When too much pressure is put on a single event you will always fall short. Improve your day to day game and convince her to take the expectations off single events.
     
  18. maid_carrie
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    One of the crucial things there is the observation "I am pretty stingy with money. " Loosen up a little ;)

    Be spontaneous - walking past a flower seller stop in and buy her a single rose, nicely presented. Funny thing is that the florist does all the work to make that single rose look wonderful, and far more romantic than a bunch of 12 or 24 roses.

    Listen to what she says she likes - the old saying about two ears and one mouth applies. Listen twice as much (at least) than you say. it's the small things you do as a result of listening that will make a difference - and they are not necessarily expensive.

    As you go about your day - driving or on the train just think what would surprise and please her and eventually you will have a light bulb moment.

    it's a change of attitude that someone else here keeps talking to me about, and that is the need of many males to stop thinking about themselves and what they want - think about what the lady wants.

    An old sales saying "Give the customer what they want and you get what you want" - applies to life generally :)

    Just my thoughts
     
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  19. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    If you are considering asking for rewards for not failing to please her do recall you have already had a big reward in advance.. whne she agreed to be your KH.

    Communicate ask what SHE wants and then try to understand what she said and then try to provide ...t hen ask how you canmprove ... rinse and repeat ...simple really (in theory)
     
  20. Ma’amkiki
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    Ma’amkiki New member

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    My sub has no access to money. When a special event like a birthday or anniversary comes up, I have him present 2 of his ideas to me and I give him an approximate budget.

    Now, the ideas must be complete including costs for hotels or travel etc..

    Since this is female led.. I make the final decision..

    To me, I enjoy that he looked at it as a task like many others that I give him.. he knows it has to be something that I would enjoy and be within the budget I give.. for way to many years we always did much more for his special days then mine.. which were some of our marriage issues that led us to female led..

    Try putting together 2 Romantic ideas and present them to her allowing her to choose.. but be thorough.. if it is a romantic dinner.. have a place picked out and make sure they take reservations...


    If you choose a concert that she would like make sure tickets are available before presenting..
     
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  21. luckyhubby83
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    luckyhubby83 Active member

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    an anniversary trip should be enjoyable for both of you.
    do vegas. screw being cheap, do things nice but not extravagant
    its not hard to do there on a modest budget. you can rent out a dungeon towards the end once you see she is pleased with your new found effort. start it out as a playful game, asking what her ideal date is, how she prefers affection (romantic under the stars without anyone around, or in public with everyone looking at her wishing their man did what you were doing, etc etc)

    it appears you have a lot of homework to do. and you better do it correctly. she will love the effort you are putting into it. you are doing the absolute worst thing possible. nothing. do some due diligence on what she wants, and craft your own version of it.leave the kink out for now. its not about you after all. once she is happy, your needs will be met. usually....
     
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  22. filltee
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    filltee Junior Member

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    I do too.
     
  23. ChihiroShibari
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    Good point!
     
  24. Chaste J.
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    Chaste J. Active member

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    Mind you they say opposites attract! I'm personally not so sure about that one being true, except in the world of physics!
     
  25. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    I would think men could be trained to be romantic with the right process. Dogs are easily trained and a man is at least as smart as a dog or at least close to as smart. With all the good advice suggested in this thread you should have lots of options to try. If money is an issue, just try to save a certain part of your budget for romantic touches. It doesn't have to be a lot, as others have said, most romance revolves around communication, and learning what she desire. Give in. Good luck.
     
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