Beginners worries

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by MissGuided, Feb 26, 2021.

  1. MissGuided
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    MissGuided New member

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    Hi,
    I’m new to the world of chastity but it is something my husband wants to really try!! He wants me to gain confidence in myself both in and outside the bedroom! When he first started the conversations I was a bit confused why would he want to wear a cage? I don’t like the appearance of any of the cages we have tried but I’m trying to go along with it.......
    what’s the best way to go about embracing the experience, I’m all for giving things a fair go, it all just seems a bit weird for me at the moment!! the thought of not actually having sex, mainly using toys, or only me having an orgasm etc doesn’t really sell it to me. Don’t get me wrong it is nice to have oral worship every now and again without feeling like I need to reciprocate but I also really like a Sunday morning ‘fuck’ (it doesn’t have to be Sunday morning) without having to wait to take cage off or put a strap on on, when the moment can be lost!!!
     
  2. asastype
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    asastype Service sub to Mistress AMA

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    Welcome, @MissGuided,

    Best of luck in Your new journey. You may wish to become a Verified Female in this site and that will give You access to the Females Only Forum, where You can connect with other Dominants directly.

    Beyond that, i'd suggest keeping open communicate with Your husband and find what works for you two and just go with that. Fucking definitely does NOT need to be off limits if You don't want it to be.

    asa
     
  3. MissyB
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    MissyB Active member

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    Welcome to our community. I'm sure you will receive lots of helpful suggestions about your fairly common dilemma. I also hope you find it enjoyable. Good luck with your journey.
     
  4. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    You will likely find a way to make this work and also feel differently as you progress down this road. Don't know how common this is, but seems like wife's reluctance turns into insistence. I think the below maybe helpful (http://worshippingwife.blogspot.com/2009/06/point-of-no-return.html) taken from a FLR blog.


    Whether the prime mover is wife or husband, the rule seems to be that progress needs to be gradual and incremental, and both parties need to find real benefits in the altered domestic and romantic arrangements.

    There needs to be a comfort level achieved, as well. Courtship marriage, like real successful courtship, has to be anchored in reality and honesty—and in the existing relationship. Wait a minute, I think I may have lifted that last sentence almost intact from an extremely articulate FLR advocate known as “Mistress Rika”: “The key to a successful [female-led] relationship is to add the exchange of power to the dynamics of your [existing] relationship rather than to replace existing ones.”

    But at some point, it seems, there needs to be a milestone, or maybe several such, at which both parties pause and reflect and acknowledge that the experiment is working for both of them. That Fantasyland has morphed into Realityland. That, in a phrase, “There’s no going back.”

    To reach that milestone, Emily and Ken Addisons of the Around Her Finger book and blog suggest a one-week FLR boot camp, after which the deal is sealed (or not. The happy AHF boot-campers who report back, not surprisingly, usually have both thumbs-up. “We tried the boot camp about four months ago, and we have never looked back.”
    [​IMG]
    Even some initially skeptical wives come out of the boot camp as gung-ho converts to the lifestyle: “Not only did I enjoy my week in charge much more than I imagined that I would, I would never imagine having it any other way. Just as you suggest, I told him in no uncertain terms that from that point on I would expect him to obey me and respect my authority. In the weeks and months that have followed nothing has changed. We have never been happier and I never would have imagined that this would have worked so well.”

    So, the answer to the question posed at the top of this posting, “Is there a point of no return when one truly embraces this way of life?” is “Yes.”

    Not always, of course, is the “point of no return” question asked hopefully. Sometimes it is asked with a certain apprehension, even dread, by husbands and boyfriends getting a sudden case of cold feet upon seeing long-cherished fantasies becoming all too real. Just how far down the Female-Led road dare they go before it’s too late to turn around and scramble back to “the way things were”?

    Like this hapless guy, quoted in Elise Sutton’s monthly Q&A column: “I am coming to the realization that I am approaching a point of no return and each step, including reading your book, is taking me there.”

    Or this guy confessing last-minute FLR jitters: “Is there any chance we could ever go back to being a more traditional husband and wife?”
    [​IMG]
    “The short answer to your question,” Ms. Sutton responds, “is No. Why should she and why should you?” Or, as she tells another husband: “[Your wife] may constantly be looking for new activities but I doubt she will ever desire any other type of relationship. She is hooked and she does not want to go back.”

    Her bottom-line to apprehensive husbands, of course, is a positive pep talk: “Go for it.”

    Which, I think, is the way most husbands feel upon reaching “the point of no return.” These giddy guys, for example:

    “It took many years for us to learn how to get along and build a new relationship. I am sure that nobody knows the extent to which she wields the authority in our house now. For what started out as one weekend a month has gradually become second nature 24/7… Like the Nike add says, ‘Just Do It.’”

    “Having made the choice to live my fantasy, I have never regretted it. Good luck on finding your path.”

    “My wife’s Loving Female Authority over our relationship has gone from habit to lifestyle in just under one year. … I would say that we are now firmly embedded in a Female-Led Relationship 24/7. Because of the positive changes in every area of our marriage, we both agree that there is no turning back to our old ways. That door is closed, and the key is gone.”

    “It would seem that any and all periods of adjustment are over for me, and have been for some time. I feel like I have been reconditioned and have changed so much over the last couple of years, that I am like a different person in so many ways… I arrived at total acceptance.”

    “Good luck and remember, once you give her all the keys to your heart there is no going back.”
    [​IMG]

    “I realized just how pleased and proud I was to be so completely controlled by my wife, how we had already gone beyond a point of no return, and how (deep down) I had always yearned for this ever since we met… It really made me feel in touch with my natural self, and even more accepting of who and what I am.”

    “My fiancée and I converted to this lifestyle two years ago (at my instigation) and both of us can honestly say that we have never been happier in our lives. Definitely no going back for us! She has adapted to her position of power with far more relish than I ever imagined possible, and our relationship really works.”

    “Once you get her to accept that part of herself and take charge there is no going back.....but why would you want to? It is so much nicer this way!”

    “The female-led lifestyle has changed our lives for the better. We both realize that there is no going back to the way things used to be. We are on a new path now, and we are both giddy about where that path will lead us.”

    “I can’t imagine my wife accepting any laziness from me ever again. I can’t imagine her performing sex again as an obligation. I see her thriving in her new role and as much as I love it, it’s a bit intimidating. I’m thrilled and terrified… and hope I’m up to the challenges that lay ahead of me.”
    [​IMG]
    Any hesitancy on the part of this husband is quickly dismissed by his wife’s certainty: “She has come to the point where she feels this is her due, instead of a game we play. Occasionally I have had moments where my interest has flagged, have been too tired from work, etc., but she has shown me that there is no going back, and I love Her so much for this.”

    Same deal for this husband: “Sometimes I get frightened as to the monumental changes occurring so fast. But obviously there is no going back because my wife has fallen in love with this lifestyle.”

    And one more: “Once my wife saw all the benefits that were in it for her, she started to get really interested. I've in a sense created a beast and there is no going back.”
    [​IMG]
    Female supremacist Paige Harrison apparently dealt with her husband’s recalcitrance with a now-hear-this ultimatum: “There will be no going back to how things were before. So I want you to get used to this. This is not a game.”
    [​IMG]
    Ditto this take-charge wife, as she confides to Elise Sutton: “My husband and I kept going deeper into FLR and the more we did it, the more I wanted from him. For a while, he was the one who had reservations, and tried to apply the brakes and began to rebel. But eventually he realized there was no stopping me, and that this is no longer a game. This is really our lives and our marriage and there will be no going back.”
    [​IMG]
    For one wife, the “point of no return” was before the beginning: “I told my husband that if he wanted me to agree to try this, there would be no going back because I was not going to undertake these big changes only to have him change his mind later.”

    The opening question of this post was taken from an Elise Sutton’s website, and we’ll close with a last word of advice from Ms. Sutton to husbands reaching their personal “point of no return”:

    “You can’t go back and you don’t want to go back. In fact, you want to go deeper into [this lifestyle]. You want this wonderful woman to take you deeper into submission so that your old life becomes an even more distant memory, so distant that it cannot be seen in the rear-view mirror of your mind.”
     
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  5. King Hippo
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    King Hippo Active member

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    Greetings Traveler! Welcome to The Mansion!!!

    Just have fun with it and who said no sex & only toys? That's your call to talk to your husband about, but if you aren't liking something you gotta communicate.
     
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  6. LockedbyFridayGirl
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    Welcome to chastity mansion! Good luck with your journey!

    Every couple finds their own way and what works for them! Listen to other’s story and use the parts that sounds like fun to you! A possible way to slowly proceed until you find your calling....
    Give him his fantasy (little by little)!
    Lock him up early one day. Let him out at night! He’ll be horney so be prepared to get fucked! Let him be unlocked for a day them lock him back up! He may not be able to wear at night just yet! Ask him why! Haha. Night time erections are a bitch while caged! Once he can wear thru night, have him lock up 2-3 days! Your choice. Do that for awhile. If you unlock him, he will be horney even more so be ready to really get fucked! Once he’s at 2-3 days with no problem then ramp him up for weeks or how ever long you want! In the beginning my wife would lock me up on Friday night. Hence FridayGirl. The unlock me Sunday night.

    Don’t forget. Chastity is about what the female wants! If you do want fucked them don’t unlock him! If you want fucked the by all means unlock him. It’s about what you want!

    Im just trying to say..... go slow and communicate. There’s no wrong and right way. Lock and unlock frequently in the beginning! Talk! That way your both learning together!

    I will say. After he gets used to it! The hottest thing a wife can do is restrain your man while he is not wearing the cage. Tease him mercilessly! Don’t let him cum! Then shock him with it and lock it on! Watch the reaction on his face! That’s why you may want to learn how to put it on! Because sometime down you may WANT to know!

    Good luck and please keep us posted.
     
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  7. Wonderwomanssub
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    Wonderwomanssub Active member

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    There appears to be a plethora of responses so I hope what I have to add will be beneficial.
    You’re starting out like a lot of women who’ve never heard of chastity, confused as to why your man would want such a thing. I never imagined or thought that I’d want to be locked in a chastity cage 24/7. Once I discovered/understood my submissive side certain desires that I’ve craved over my life time since puberty started to make a lot more sense to me. My wife and I have always had a 50/50 relationship/partnership where we treat each other with equal respect and we listen to each other’s concerns or ideas. That’s just a good foundation for a great marriage in my opinion.

    When I discovered chastity almost 6 years ago there was just something that seemed so right about it for me. I wanted to be my wife’s property and for her to own me, I wanted to be her servant in both sexual and non sexual ways. When I brought chastity up to her it was met with excitement and skepticism, mostly skepticism. I explained to her about my submissiveness and how I wanted her to be more of the lead in our relationship. She wasn’t opposed after hearing what I was offering but she didn’t understand what was in it for her, why she would want this in our relationship. I tried to explain what I thought chastity relationships were all about but I was owing it big time. Because I couldn’t explain myself well enough to her so she understood what I was trying to get at I ended up purchasing a book from Amazon titled Male Chastity by Lucy Fairbourne. It was a fairly vanilla book but covered almost all things associated with chastity and really left it up to the reader to utilize what ideas she likes from the text as well as helpful ways to implement ideas. Once my wife understood it from the female perspective she was very enthusiastic about giving chastity a try.

    My wife is a very in the moment person, so fiddling with toys and strap on harnesses when she waiting for me can certainly be a buzz kill. However, what she has found overtime is that the toys and strap on etc can really add a lot of fun to the bedroom so that has allowed us to not always have to “be in the moment” for sex to be great for her.

    My wife always liked the “Sunday fuck” and I think what you were getting at by calling it that, is that you want your husband to take charge and and just do you. You probably see chastity as a hinderance to that kind of sex as you just want him to be ready to go without fiddling with keys etc. To this I would say you will have to change your mindset a little bit. It may take a few extra moments to get him uncaged but I promise you he’ll be so amped up wanting you badly that the extra time it takes to get ready will make it worth while.

    As far as the cages go my wife struggled with the first one we used as well. I did all the research on the cages as I would be the one wearing it plus I didn’t think she’d be interested in looking at cages with me. So I picked a popular plastic cage, sent her the choice of color and purchased a Holy Trainer V2 after she told me to order black. When it finally came and I put it on for her she couldn’t stop laughing at it, it was so ugly and bulgy. I wore that for about three months, she didn’t really even like looking at it. So I decided to try a steel cage after those three months, I surprised my wife and when she saw it I swear I saw hearts in her eyes. She went from regarding my chastity cage as an ugly piece of plastic, to my new steel cage resembling something more like male jewelry. She actually want to touch it and hold the cage more while it was locked on me.

    About 1 1/2 years ago we decided to upgrade to a steel chastity belt from Behind Barz chastity belts. The security of the ball trap style cages are basically non existent unless you have a PA piercing and the cage is locked on that way. Security was important to us as she didn’t want me to be able to get out of it at all and you can pull out of a ball trap cage pretty easy. So I found the belt I’m wearing now after discussing it with my wife and getting her permission to buy one. I was worried that the belt would make thing weird for her because now I have a steel band that goes around my waist and it’s a lot more to look at. As it turns out she loves seeing me naked in my belt, or if I bend over and my shirt comes up and she sees a little sliver of silver running across my lower back. I think in part now the belt is so much more symbolic than just something to keep me from touching myself, it’s a physical symbol of the relationship we have and the lifestyle we’re living. There’s no way that either of us would want to go back to before chastity even though we’ve always had an amazing relationship.

    I would say just keep an open mind and make sure you talk about everything no matter how awkward the conversation might seem lol. My wife and I are so much closer to each other and have discovered so much more about ourselves. My wife discovered she’s truly a domme and loves the territory that comes with it. I hope you discover all the rewards chastity and this lifestyle can bring to you and your husband :)
     
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  8. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Chastity, like life, is what you make it. There are no toys, apart from my Holy Trainer V4 Small, in our relationship. And only hand play from my lady or regular sex, with me driving usually. Oral is a 99.9% one way street as my wife is not keen on precum. I have sex slightly less often than before, but I like my sex like I like my red wine. Quality rather than quantity. Your husband might be wanting to stop masturbating, a lot of guys discover this lifestyle trying to stop, and it really helps. It doesn't have to be a dominant relationship either in the bedroom or out, for me the submission is, at the moment, just about not pressuring her to do her "widely duties". Sounds stupid when I say it, but it is how I used to think. It makes me a better person, and stops Little Jah's dickbrain from acting like a selfish idiot.
     
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  9. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    There's been lots of advice already so I'll simply say hello and good luck.
     
  10. lilolmeorhislilhole
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    There is quite a lot to address in your post, and I’m sorry if I can’t answer all the questions but I will try to help where I can.

    the first thing I would say is you both need to communicate properly, starting out you need to understand or agree what you want from the experience. For example are the reasons he has given you genuine or was that just his way of getting you to try something new, is this just an experiment to see if you enjoy it or does he hope you will enter into a true FLR.

    My second thought is you shouldn’t be ‘trying to go along with it’, you need to own it. If it’s not for you, don’t do it. If your not sure if it’s for you then you need to be all in to find out if you do enjoy it. If he brought it up, he bout the cage and he is making the decisions then you need to face the fact that you aren’t in a FLR. You need to change that dynamic and stop letting him top from the bottom, you may actually find that when you do take charge properly that you will enjoy it more.

    If you want to chat it out then DM me, I have some ideas that may help you out but I don’t want to ramble away on here
     
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  11. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Wifely not widely. Also. I don't think my wife is turned on by the cage at all. It is a tool to keep me focused on her, nothing more. It does the job. And I have never been happier.
     
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  12. Ms Angela’s Sub
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    Based on the vibe I got from your original post, I believe you and your husband are similar to my wife and I.

    The biggest attraction to chastity, for us, is not the denial factor, although she does use it periodically. Simply put, my wife completely controls when, if, and how I am allowed to go. We still have frequent sex...as neither of us wanted to sacrifice that. The biggest change, is I can no longer just go masturbate when she’s not in the mood....Now we are seemingly moving closer to an FLR in many aspects. There has even been discussion of punishments, when I pester or disappoint her in some way. Truth is, with the key comes the power to do only what you want...and only when you want to do it. We have been playing with Chastity for over a year now...but it’s only been in the last couple of months that my wife has taken it to heart and realized the benefits of that control. She has had to remind me a couple of times, recently, that giving her this level of control WAS my idea.

    Embrace it...enjoy it, and see where it leads. I have never been more committed to her than I am today...and she does realized that. In addition, I can see her confidence and strength growing daily...and for me that is INCREDIBLY sexy.

    If I can get Ms Angela to logon, you may benefit from a discussion with her. Go to her profile a leave her a note. I will ask her to respond.
     
  13. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    hello @MissGuided and welcome to here and i hope You like it here as well.
    Please Miss Your man shud do what You tell him and if You like Sunday mornings in bed with him then You can tell him to take his cage off then. and after tell him to put it back on and then You can lock it again.
     
  14. Jack In A Cage
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    Jack In A Cage Member is caged

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    Welcome, a whole lot to digest here, so I will make my advice short and sweet. It is what you make it, you are in charge, the only rules you need to follow is your own, good luck on your journey and enjoy your stay here.
     
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  15. sissydavenport
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    sissydavenport Locked sissy sub / spouse of Mistress Davenport

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    First, welcome! Always lovely to see another couple in here.

    Second, from someone in a 15 year long Female Led Relationship, there are a few surprising things W/we've figured out along the way:
    1. The only things that he wants are for You to do what you enjoy sexually, and to do that as frequently as possible. Subs feel our best when pleasing our Dommes. Pleasure for us is guilt-riddled and unsatisfying without Your true and honest enjoyment.
    2. Tease and Denial. That is the function of chastity for U/us. The tease is as powerful as any orgasm for a man. This means, unlocking, using it for whatever, getting lost in passionate moments, and his orgasm only happening when You are feeling it. This is the end of the required obligation of orgasms for him, not the end of orgasms for him.
    3. To put something in perspective, to unlock a cage and rotate a ring, you're talking about maaaaybe 30 seconds. In this time too, You see him go from being forced into a flaccid state, to super excited and hard. It's never wrecked the moment for U/us.
    4. Part of this is listening to Your own voice about all of these things, and shaking off social conditioning. By putting Your self first, You make the choices he desires. That's why he wants You to lock him up, to take the pressure and choice away from him (because he loves You, trusts You, and wants to make You happy).
    Have fun, take chances, and listen to Your head/heart/body. Everything will be wonderful.

    -nancy!
     
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  16. NsToy
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    NsToy Active member

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    Cant say much more than welcome. Most all has already been covered.
     
  17. Jah Rubbings
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    Jah Rubbings Jah Rubbings

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    Similar situation here, but she hasn't embraced it fully for the full benefits. Though we get closer to that bit by bit, week by week. She is just starting to see the benefit of denying me, though doesn't quite believe that it is really what i want. After a wonderful afternoon dancing and crying in the garden. I was on a promise last night. She put on some sexy knickers, so I know I'm getting some. I massaged her, and then was stretching her lower back, head between her legs and just starting to get my groove on, and she was asleep. First time I ever really didn't even have a quiet sigh of disappointment. I had such a great day with her and felt so close I was liberated from my caveman self. And that's what I've wanted to feel. Before chastity I would get upset if I was denied too long. But always in the end disappointed more in myself for being angry about not getting some.

    We were making love this morning and she came first. I could tell that she was finished, but she wanted to let me finish too. Topping from the bottom a bit, I whispered in her ear that I was going to fuck her hard, and not come till she told me to lock up. After she came again, she did say "enough", and "lock it up". I was thrilled. It is a bit step forward for us. And I reassured her that I felt more devoted to her because of it. That although I love to come, this lasted longer and was more enjoyable. That if I came I would have forgotten it in a minute, but now I will be thinking about it all day.

    It will take time to undo the selfishness of the past, and make her believe that I put her first and never want her to feel pressured in to sex, no matter how hard I beg.

    If your husband wants to be locked up for you, then there are probably a lot of these feelings running around his head. The reality of chastity is not actually kinky. In fact I said to my wife after being locked up for a while, that I now thought it was about the least kinky thing about me.

    We make it our own. And that means sex is very vanilla, but the feelings of closeness have heightened the enjoyment immensely.
     
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  18. madams-sissysub
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    Hi there and welcome to the mansion!
    As others have said, just go with it and have fun!
     
  19. RhiannonT
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    RhiannonT Active member

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  20. Paulette the Tart
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    Paulette the Tart Male maid

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    A lot of people find the first part of that difficult to explain and the best thing I can do is to quote from one of my novels. The narrator is female:-


    this was still intriguing me, why any man would actually get a thrill out of wearing one, let alone being locked in it and letting someone else take control of the keys, his favourite piece of anatomy and, ultimately, him.

    Well, starting from the end of that list, I already had a pretty good idea why someone would enjoy being controlled. Basically: sex is powerful and power is sexy so control is a turn-on and it depends on the individual whether it’s more of a turn-on to be in control or to be controlled. I had already discovered that many people liked both and, to be perfectly honest, I appeared to be one of them. I suspected my husband was too but we had now discovered that our preferences were compatible: me as his strict Goddess and him as my worshipper and plaything. The other factor, as far as he and, indeed, many men were concerned, was that being forced to do what they enjoyed doing but felt guilty about, took away the guilt. He had a thing about feminine clothes but felt guilty as well as embarrassed about it so he needed to be instructed or made to wear them. I loved that because, while it took away his guilt, it didn’t take away his embarrassment and that made him so vulnerable – like putty in my hands.

    Why someone would get a thrill out of having someone else control his access to his intimate play station was more difficult to fathom but, rather obviously, couldn’t be separated from being locked in a chastity device and letting someone else take control of the keys. It appeared that part of the thrill was that it was a form of portable bondage and symbolic of submission and that was the thrilling, erotic part of it but it went deeper because, as I discovered, many men who didn’t actually have a partner to be the yin to their yang, the dominant one to their submissiveness: those men often even locked themselves up. Eventually I discovered that there were two main aspects to this: one being that it’s human nature to want something more when you’re denied it and the other being that the high a man feels as he approaches the climax he craves can, if prolonged, be at least as pleasurable as the actual climax combined with its aftermath. Well I wasn’t sure that the second was totally true and nor was I sure that any chastity device could allow someone to get that close to orgasm yet still prevent it but obviously there was something erotic about being turned on and unable to do anything about it.

    All in all, my curiosity was satisfied enough for me to accept that being locked in a chastity device was, for many men, an erotic experience and that knowledge made me feel far less guilty about what I proposed to do to my dear, darling, husband.


    As for not liking the appearance of a cage: how abut going for a full belt? Yes, they're a bit more of a faff for your man when going to the loo but twin rear chains are the answer to that. The advantages are the far better effectiveness and security plus the comfort due to the lack of the ring which causes "the burn" and the absence of the problem of bits of protruding skin getting pinched. The appearance is a matter of taste but many people prefer him to look more emasculated, especially if they like their man in panties which fit and look so much better when worn over a smooth-fronted stainless steel pair than over a clunky-looking cage!
     
  21. FLR Guy
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    FLR Guy New member

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    I'd say open communication and experimentation are best in your circumstance!
    Maybe have a few play sessions where you try some new things out.
    Then afterwards have a discussion and tell each other what you liked and didn't like about it.
    Take it slowly and gently, there's no need to rush! Have fun with it and view it as an opportunity to get to know each other better :)
     
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