A new chapter

It has been over a month since I wrote anything in this journal.

I was hesitant to share anything for a few weeks since the ordeal back at the beginning of June with the guy promoting theocratic fascist propaganda.

There was some tension the first several weeks that I was back living at home with my wife and kids after two years apart. I won't reiterate everything that I already overshared elsewhere, but if you're not aware then here is the condensed version: I am finding my position in our sexual relationship stressful.

This past week has been stressful in other ways and there hasn't been any bedroom activity. I am thankful for that, I needed a break from it and getting my mind off of what she wants and how I feel about that was good for me.

We had a major holiday here (Independence day) and we all enjoyed the festivities. My wife's mother and brother joined us on July 4 for dinner and fireworks and we all had a great time. The kids especially enjoyed it, since this was the first year that we ever bought our own fireworks.

Following that, my oldest son and I both experienced some good progress with boxing training. Three of my kids do boxing training, but the younger two aren't very serious about it and mostly just like hanging out with the friends they have made there. But my oldest takes it really seriously and we both try to help each other get better.

Each of us had some really good rounds of sparring this week, wherein we landed more shots and evaded more incoming shots than usual. Our coach noticed and applauded the efforts we have been making. He could see it paying off in the ring.



Thursday morning, I woke up with a sore throat. I took two of my younger kids (actually, the two other that do boxing training) on a bike ride that morning. I felt well enough during the ride in spite of the sore throat, but felt quite ill by the afternoon. I struggled through a web meeting with customer late in the afternoon, and messaged my boss afterward and said I needed to call it a day due to feeling ill. Friday morning I went to the doctor, and received a diagnosis of strep throat. I was prescribed some antibiotics.

Today, I still felt pretty terrible most of the day. I think the antibiotics are starting to do their job, though. This evening has been more bearable, and I feel a little more comfortable.

I'm hoping that the sickness will soon be behind me and life can get back to normal. I don't enjoy being ill.

 

Things have been going okay. I'm starting to get the hang of not being allowed to do anything that could being me to orgasm, and was doing pretty well with that. Then she discovered her new favorite thing: she can get me to orgasm (or as close to it as she desires) by playing with my boobs. I knew this was a thing, because I had experimented with it a couple of years ago and managed to get there by myself a couple of times. But it was never easy to accomplish and I could never do it consistently. But for whatever reason, she seems to have the magic touch or something. Having somebody else touch you in all the right ways just feels better than doing it yourself, I guess.

Anyway, she found one night last week that she could get me right on the verge of orgasm though breast stimulation, and had a lot of fun getting me there, letting me cool down, repeating, etc., basically edging but with my boobs instead of my downstairs equipment. She really, really enjoyed this, and seemed to especially enjoy leaving me desperately writhing to go just a tiny bit further and get to have the orgasm I so desperately wanted. I was bucking my hips and squirming, and she rolled over and put her thigh over my hips and told me it was time to settle down. A few nights later, this scenario was repeated after she had me get her off. I think she was already planning on doing it again and really enjoyed thinking about what she was going to do, because she was way wetter than she usually is and got off quite a bit quicker than usual. And even after she had her orgasm and had switched to playing with my boobs, I could feel that she would rub herself against my thigh now and then and she was still noticeably wet.

While I enjoy the boob edging or whatever it should be called, it is maddeningly frustrating when she stops and tells me I'm done. The frustration and feeling of desperation to finish with an orgasm doesn't last terribly long, but is super intense. Much more intense than back before I transitioned and wore a chastity cage and would go without orgasms after sex. But seeing my wife so happy and enjoying herself so much has been pretty amazing. I have never seen her enjoy anything sexual quite as much as when she found this way to drive me wild with boob play and not allow me to orgasm from it.

 

Yes. And there is no semen anymore.

 

Work has been very busy, we had record breaking high temperatures, our air conditioner broke, we spent a mountain of money replacing it (it was over 30 years old), and one of our kids had surgery this week. Although my wife and I cuddled a little bit a few nights ago, I honestly haven't been feeling all that frisky. Sexy stuff is pretty far off my radar. I think my wife is feeling the same way. Stressed out, tired, overwhelmed, and definitely not randy.

I hope that this period of feeling overwhelmed will subside soon and we will feel closer. But for now, I think we're both too exhausted to do anything.

 

While we have been a little bit active the last few weeks, I still haven't managed to have an orgasm and am finding myself a little bit jealous of my wife. Since I can't get hard anymore, she seems to enjoy herself quite a bit more when we are intimate. I think having the pressure taken off of the potential for penetration does wonders for her confidence and ability to be in the moment and enjoy herself. And I am happy for that. The issue for me is that she reaches orgasm far quicker than she used to, and she's typically a one and done gal. But it means I have far less time to be stimulated and enjoy what pleasure I'm able to get.

I'm just starting to get warmed up and really feeling good when she cums and is done. And I'm left horny as heck without any way to get off. Last time I was so frustrated that I started pushing my hips against the bed sheet, trying in vain to get enough stimulation to keep the pleasant sensations going, and she rolled over and put her thigh over my hips and told me we were done. I don't know exactly why, but I found it way more frustrating than back when I was wearing a chastity device and wasn't allowed to cum or anything.

I'll be honest, I want to cum. Badly. And tonight I'm on the road for work and had a brief period of rebellion. I decided I couldn't stand it anymore and started grinding against a pillow. But to my disappointment, after half an hour of trying, I just couldn't get the right balance of friction and pressure to cum. All that effort and I couldn't even manage to get off. But in spite of the failure to cum, I felt some relief just having some stimulation. A few times it started feeling really good, and I enjoyed that. I couldn't keep it going long enough to reach climax, but my goodness it was a welcomed sensation. I feel enough relief to go to sleep, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wish I had finally managed to climax.

 

Probably not. I'm really not interested in doing cages again, and I'm not sure my wife is either. Plus, having some hard, rigid thing shaped like a dick in my underwear would make tucking really difficult and would show through a lot of my clothing. Definitely not something I want happening.

 

Monday night, we had some time together in bed, and she wanted me to try getting inside of her. I haven't done that since February, 2018, and I really was caught by surprise. She never like having me inside of her, and I was never crazy about it either, and I wasn't sure if it was even possible after years of HRT and not much to speak of in the erection department.

In retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have even tried. It wasn't worth the effort. We both spent a lot of time and energy trying to get me erect enough to get inside of her, and it was like 1.5 hours. By then, I was feeling very sore and just wanted it to be over. Somehow, the stupid thing swelled enough that she thought she might be able to get it inside of her. She climbed on top of me and tried to put my thing inside of her. But it wasn't quite rigid enough and just came out within a few seconds.

Eventually, she gave up on having me inside of her and started kind of grinding against my thing and eventually it started feeling pretty good and I had my first orgasm in quite a while. It was very short and not very intense, and I was left feeling like "that's it? All that effort for that?". I was pretty disappointed, given how long it had been since I had one and how much effort it took to achieve it.

Then last night, as we were going to bed and had turned off the lights, she scooted over by me in the bed and started touching me and kissing me. This was definitely welcomed, and I reciprocated. This time, she didn't show any interest in downstairs plumbing, and I was relieved by that. We played around with each other for probably 15 minutes or so, until she asked me to put my hand on top of her hand. It was too dark to see and I didn't actually understand what she wanted me to do, so she guided my hand down to her other hand. She was masturbating and wanted me to join in.

I was surprised, because she had never asked me to do this with her before. She climaxed rather quickly, which was kind of nice since it meant she was really enjoying herself. But once she climaxed, she was done. Like, "Okay. I'm going to sleep" done. I was still very horny and hadn't had much action on my side and wanted more touching and kissing from her. I at least wanted my boobs played with. She played with my boobs for a couple of minutes but was dozing off.

I had mixed feelings afterward. I was happy that she enjoyed herself, and that she didn't want me to try getting inside of her again. But I also felt a little resentful. After I helped her get off and made her feel good, she didn't want to return the favor and least play with my boobs and kiss me. It doesn't take that much effort and I would have appreciated it, it's what I was really, really in the mood for.

Better luck next time, I guess. Sex is a weird thing and sometimes it seems so silly to me that couples can have very different needs and expectations.

 

Probably not. No way she would read it. And she enjoys things just fine. The problem is that once she gets what she wants, she's done. I don't think that is an issue that would be unique to lesbians. All kinds of couples can experience that.

 

I think she is still definitely doing orgasm denial, but I'm just along for the ride. She seems to genuinely enjoy the fact that it's a lot easier for her to orgasm than it is for me, and takes advantage of it for her own entertainment and pleasure.

 

It's been a couple of weeks since I got to have that orgasm, I'm getting to the point where my body wants another one. Last night we fooled around, and it ended with her orgasming and me wanting one in vain.

I was still super horny after she fell asleep. When I was sure she was asleep, I started grinding against the mattress in desperation. I didn't have anything on below my waist, just a camisole top that I usually wear to bed. I had taken my shorts off when we were messing around. Since I didn't have tight underwear to hold things in place, grinding was pretty frustrating since things just kind of flop around being limp and it's really hard to get enough friction to climax.

I had been rubbing and grinding myself against the mattress for maybe ten minutes. Suddenly I feel her hand gently wrap around my wrist and she whispered "shhhh...". Then she snuggled up close to me and whispered in my ear "you're okay, it's time to get some sleep".

It took me a while to finally get to sleep. Then in the morning when I woke up, she was lying there already awake looking at me intently. As I sat up to get out of bed, she asked "would you like a hug?". I was still half asleep when she hugged me from behind and began massaging my boobs. Within several seconds, I was totally putty in her hands. She said, "see, you get do get to feel nice". I knew that she was referring to the night before when she caught me trying to masturbate and she put a stop to it. It told me loud and clear that she can tell I want an orgasm, but she doesn't want me being able to like she can.

 

I actually have 6 kids. I had 5 and my wife was pregnant with #6 when I started transitioning. All of the kids have been fine. I'm still dad to them, even if I look like a woman. There was one awkward moment a couple of weeks ago with one of their friends who came over. My kids always refer to me as dad, and this kid asked me "why do you look and sound like a mom?". I just told him it was a long story. He shrugged and went back to playing.