A new chapter

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Shepherdsflock, May 30, 2023.

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  1. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    My wife and I separated two years ago. It came 3 months after my bilateral orchiectomy.

    I had a lot of difficulty adjusting to single life again, but after two years we have reconciled and I am back with her and the kids. During those two years apart, I masturbated whenever the urge struck me. It was often, maybe once every 2 weeks or so.

    There's a whole weird history with us both being closeted queer people without telling the other, starting off as fundamentalist Christians, and struggling with our sexuality and gender. Long story short, she confided in me a whole back that she's attracted to shorter women with big boobs; and I came out as transgender and transitioned. Lo and behold, I turned out to be a a short woman with big boobs. Fate has a sense of humor.

    Upon my return home, after a week, she initiated sex. She had never done this in 14 years of marriage. It's pretty obvious that she is enjoying the changes to my body since I transitioned and had orchiectomy surgery. She likes playing with my boobs and seeing my penis not be able to become erect. For whatever reason, it really turns her on knowing I will never be able to penetrate her again.

    We have made love twice since I back. As always she enjoys having me get her off witb my fingers. One thing that I find frustrating is that she doesn't like like me to masturbate by pillow humping, which had been my primary method for masturbation since I transitioned and the ability to orgasm. She doesn't like me orgasming unless it's from her, and it hurts when she tries to use her hands on me.

    So, for the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing orgasm denial. Since I have no balls, conventional ball trap devices are put of the picture. And I don't really want a PA. So the answer for now is that I just have to keep myself chaste now matter what the people are doing.

    One interesting thing that I have discovered is that my boobs swell a bit and get a little larger and more sensitive during sex. Though I masturbated during our separation, I never got super aroused like I do during sex. Maybe it's from extra blood flow, or some kind of hormone thing.

    So, I guess I am.on the honor system. I know she hates the idea of me masturbating and I spend a lot time out of town for work. Resisting the temptation to masturbate can be difficult. I'll see how this shakes out.
     
  2. Bill249017
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    Bill249017 Long term member

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    Thanks for sharing. You are on a remarkable journey and I am pleased you have got back together with your wife. There is a real change of power dynamic if your wife loves knowing your penis can never penetrate her again- but you can still give each other pleasure.
    The honor system can work; we don’t need cages to stop us playing with our penises. Good luck!
     
  3. Jail Bird
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    Jail Bird Long term member

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    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Pillow humping is something I have seen my ex do many times. That, and sofa arm humping!

    Anyway, would you wearing a full belt help with staying chaste for your wife? I would think a female belt would work for you with no balls?
    Just a thought.
     
  4. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    It would make wearing most of my clothing (from the waist down) impossible.
     
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  5. Jail Bird
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    Jail Bird Long term member

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    That is the important part of our everyday clothing! I understand.
     
  6. LockedSissyHusband
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    LockedSissyHusband Active member

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    Wow, what a journey. I think I've now read most of it from your posts here. I have to say you look and sound happier now as things have progressed. Also glad to hear you and your wife have reconciled and it sounds like things are back on track and better for you both.

    Congratulations and please keep us updated.
     
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  7. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    It's been quite the journey. If you know my whole history, the story overall is pretty hard to believe. My kids tell me I should write a book about my life (though they have no idea about the sexual parts of my life).
     
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  8. NoloMeTangere
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    NoloMeTangere Long term member

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    I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but why haven't you completed the transition?
     
  9. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    I'm really happy for you @Shepherdsflock. Btw, did she dump her so-called religious friends?
     
  10. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Lack of insurance coverage. I would have had surgery a long time ago if my insurance covered it.
     
  11. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    Some of them. Others are still her friends, but hold a lesser place in her life after some recent experiences where she got to see their true colors. She is slowly realizing that I was right about such people.
     
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  12. Stephplayswithyou
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    Stephplayswithyou Long term member

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    @Shepherdsflock that's fantastic and so happy things have come full circle for you/your family! Congrats and thank you for sharing your journey along with the recent update.
     
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  13. BavarianWoman
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    BavarianWoman I rule

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    I'd like to hook up with that post.
     
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  14. Dr MBogo
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    Dr MBogo You heard the lady! In you go.....

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    Fascinating! Your journey has certainly been an unusual one, that very few people (even those of us on this site) can really understand. Thanks for allowing us into this very intimate part of your life.

    And, as far as cages go, here's my suggestion: I have very small and high balls, and so can't use a ball trap device, similar to you. I also was not crazy about a PA at first. So, I got a frenum piercing, and an Evotion Bijou (shaft-only) cage. It's great-very comfortable-you might even forget it's there when you are busy. I wear it 24/7, and take it off once/week for cleaning, inspection, etc for about 15 minutes at a time. You can even do the piercing yourself and save some money. I had mine done in a tattoo/piercing shop initially, and it tore out within a few months. I did it again myself, and have been good to go ever since. I will have been locked in it for 5 years in August.
     
  15. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    I ran into an unexpected problem that caused me to make a decision I wasn't crazy about.

    After Sunday night's activities with each other, I had a lot of discomfort in my lower abdomen. Monday I just thought maybe it was because I hadn't been with her in a long time and it would resolve on its own. Tuesday the pain was just as bad. I have been on the road for work since Monday and wasn't sure what to do. It was really uncomfortable and I had trouble sleeping Monday night because of it. I called my doctor and described what I was feeling.

    The doctor said she thought it was pelvic congestion syndrome, and that having an orgasm would probably help resolve it. I wrestled with that until Wednesday, having another night of poor sleep Tuesday night. Wednesday afternoon, after I was done working for the day and back in my hotel room, I decided to try to have an orgasm in spite of knowing my wife would feel betrayed.

    Managing to get myself to orgasm is already difficult enough after 5 years of HRT, but being in pain and discomfort made it even more difficult. I can't get hard enough to masturbate the "traditional" way, and on top of that, maintaining enough arousal to get off while being in pain is pretty difficult.

    I ended up pillow humping for like an hour. It was super frustrating. Every time it would start feeling a little good, my mind would wander and I'd lose my focus and the good feeling would go away. Or I would feel some pain in my abdomen, and that would hit the rest button. After what felt like an eternity, I finally managed to have the worst orgasm of my life. It was very painful, it felt like getting hit in the pelvis by a baseball bat. There was nothing pleasant about it at all.

    I didn't feel much better immediately after orgasm, and felt stupid for even trying it. But today I felt a lit better. Was it because I had an orgasm? Was it just a coincidence and I would have felt better anyway even if I hadn't had one? I'm not sure.

    I read up on pelvic congestion syndrome and most of what I found agreed that it's causes by varicose veins in the pelvic region that become painful during the increased blood flow of arousal. And that led me to wonder if all the years of chastity may have caused it. I don't know. I have questions and no answers, and I am currently about 250 miles from home and probably won't be able to meet with my doctor in person until next week to discuss it more. I'm kind of scared to do anything more with my wife as far as intimacy goes. If not being allowed to orgasm is going to cause this much pain, I can't keep playing around with her the way she likes.

    I guess I'll see where this leads. I really hope this isn't something I have to suffer with for the rest of my life.
     
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  16. Panda2010
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    Panda2010 There's a fine line between pleasure and pain

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    Hope things settle down and the discomfort was a one-off
     
  17. Bill249017
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    Bill249017 Long term member

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    Sounds very worrying for you. I hope the pain subsides until you get to see your doctor.
     
  18. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Best of luck to you both in your most unusual journey.
     
  19. madams-sissysub
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    Thanks for sharing your journey.
     
  20. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    This is an AMAZING turn of events! Didn't see this coming! You have to be feeling a bit confused emotionally given everything that's happened over the years. How are the kids feeling about things?
     
  21. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    The kids are quite happy, especially our four year old. Even the wife seems happy. Her reaction to how my body has changed over the last couple of years is even positive. I am quite happy with everything except the fact that right now it seems I can't enjoy anything sexual with my wife without several days of pain. That has me both worried and a little depressed.
     
  22. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    It is a little bit weird. She never used to find me physically attractive, so now that she thinks I'm cute and she actually gets turned on by my physical appearance, it's reversal of how things used to be that is taking some getting used to. I'm so used to feeling negative about my body and wanting to hide it, that when she wants to see it and enjoy it I struggle to make it fun for her. She enjoys it nonetheless, which is good, but there's a part of me that wishes I could really feel free to engage her in a way that more strongly affirms her sexuality.
     
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  23. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    I am not in the same boat as you, for I am not trying to transition, and whatever physical traits I have are not helping me fit the norm but accentuating the opposite. But I have felt the strangeness of the new almost taboo play of this new dimension.

    Although I find it extremely pleasurable when she touches my breasts, I feel very self conscious about it, especially when it’s playful and not overtly sexual. It’s almost like I’m being teased about them even though she isn’t doing that at all. I tend to forget all about that when we are all hot and heavy, but fore play and playful fun I tend to overthink it and I start wondering what she is thinking.

    We’ve adjusted to my figure, and she has never liked me to look very manly so loss of body hair was great for her, I’m still adjusting to having breasts, and to the fact that they are a big part of my sexuality now.
     
  24. Shepherdsflock
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    Shepherdsflock Long term member

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    My wife always said she wished my skin was softer, and disliked my body hair. Now that my skin is definitely softer and I have no body hair (I do actually have a very small amount, but I remove it with an epilator) she really likes touching and feeling me. Which is weird to get used to, she didn't used to be so touchy-feely with me. I like it and enjoy it when she wants to touch me, but after all I have been through with her I sometimes feel a brief moment of panic, like "is it a trap? Is this going to lead to something bad?". Trauma sucks.
     
  25. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    @Shepherdsflock, your life story definitely falls into the "you can't make this shit up" category. Can you imagine someone pitching your life story to a movie studio? They'd be told it's way too unrealistic.

    The pitch: this is the story of a man and a woman. The woman is secretly a lesbian but she is religious and hasn't admitted it to herself yet, so she marries a man. The man that she marries is secretly a trans woman who hasn't come out of the closet yet. She doesn't find him attractive and doesn't want to have sex with him. When the man does admit to being a trans woman and starts transitioning, his wife leaves him. Eventually, she comes to terms with her orientation, decides she does find her spouse's new female body attractive and they re-unite and live happily every after.
     
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