Be careful what you wish for

The point where fantasy/game becomes reality/life is frightening. Whatever emotions you experience, somewhere in the mix there is going to be disappointment that the period of exploration is over.

 

Welcome and enjoy your time here. There is a lot of great people and ideas here

 

"As a man in chastity, what were your feelings when you realized that your fantasy might very well be your new life?"

I am actually working through this now. It is probably safe to say I feel a bit "conflicted," though eager to see where it goes. The prospect of being locked up "for the rest of your life" is at once erotic, intriguing, and, yes, frightening.

While I would guess we all have fantasies about how we see it playing out, for us I know it is not likely to hold to that script exactly and some of those fantasies will remain just that. OTOH, this is about trust and to do it right I know I have to trust her with control (or else what's the point?).

Fantasy is great but reality and practicality also play a part. In our case, we are in our 50's and though I would love this to re-ignite her sex drive and all that goes with it, reality says to be content in the situation and see where it goes. From a practicality standpoint, as much as I would love her to lock it up and keep a firm grip on the key and truly only let me out when she wants to, due to a medical condition (I deal with incontinence) I have to clean things on a regular basis. She doesn't want to be bothered with me asking for the key every time I need to clean, so I have free access to it. This is where trust comes into play, that I won't abuse that privilege.

Sorry if I'm rambling...

In the big picture, though it may be frightening, we are both eager to see where this journey takes us as we BOTH learn how to apply this to our relationship.

 

In a loving relationship there has to be balance, each partner needs to find pleasure in the relationship. Dominant or submissive, each partner has to feel some benefits, the sub may need his fantasies fulfilled and the dominant may find that being in control has benefits and responsibilities. Honest communication, trust, and knowing that each partner is totally in love is paramount in any loving relationship.
Just my opinion.
Lisa

 

I think the key is ongoing, constant, regular engagement in the dynamic, it does not have to be new all the time, it doesn't matter if its routine, in fact most men love routine. Men love repetition, women may find it boring, but if its easy and tasks you not, then why not.

Id love it if I had a weekly evening not about sex but about devotion, or CBT, about being reminded who is the boss, alas we are busy people so its not very realistic. Men love to be reminded of their place literally, being at your mercy, how deep that goes is up to you. ANY spicing up with random acts of CBT, tease and denial are welcome if that is what you wish, Id hate for my partner to do something she did as a favor.

I sometimes wonder if my partner keeps me locked up for me or for her, for example we returned from holidays today and I have been mostly free during the time we were away and I was kinda hoping the day we got back she would remind me to put my cage back on. Since we don't live together, I am prone to fantasize about what I would like her to do to me lol.

Your husband is lucky you are thinking as you do, I would not be seeking a step as such more over what is right for you as well as you both.

 

Great post, @KFox, and happy to share our experience.

In equal measure, our new normal scares and excites me. Being caged nearly 24x7, limited to 5v or so climaxes a year, knowing that my roll is to aid Domina (@MistressAMA) to a many Os as She desires and essentially serve as one of Her sex toys is exactly what i has wanted. The yearning to orgasm just affirms my commitment to being Her submissive. It makes me more and more grateful to Her and thrilled to be living out my fantasy.

For Her part, Her sense of dominance has grown along with Her comfort in denying me, punishing me, relaxing while i do all the chores, and in having me submit to Her Friends.

Best of luck on Your journey!!

asa

 

It's painful at times. Last night, she criticized me severely, and I had to just quietly and respectfully listen to what she was saying, and accept it. I'm not used to this, and it's discomforting. I'm used to being the boss, and almost always getting my way. I don't even know if she actually meant everything that she said or not. Maybe she was frustrated with something with the kids, and just took it out on me.

But I do know that this is now how things are, and forever will be. Her control is inevitable; I can manage to fight it for minutes, hours, or maybe even a few days, but in the end, she will win every time, and ironically I will become even more addicted to her control every time that happens. I love her, and trust her, and I will somehow learn to swallow my pride with gratitude and without resentment.

I should add, there's no fantasy about this. It just sucks. To have to humbly and respectfully listen to someone criticize me is not fun, not sexy, not fantasy, not "hot", at all. It sucks.

But the rewards are incredible. Her happiness with me (maybe 99% of the time?) is worth it. Her growing confidence in herself is worth it. Me steadily improving as a human and as a husband -- it's worth the pain and discomfort. Yes, it's an FLR. And it's worth it.

 

Yes, an FLR is worth every wonderful guilt free non reciprocal climax!!! As I am sitting here after a late afternoon CBT, beautiful visit to my tasty shrine, ending with a superb climax and now the dinner dishes are done and kitchen clean!!! Not bad and all being done by my locked, collared, leashed sub hubby!

 

If nothing is changing for the worst, then there's no reason why not. This is especially true past the 2-year mark. I wrote about that here, but the short version is that it's past the honeymoon period, and there's something called the Lindy Effect which says that the longer something has lasted, the longer it likely will last.

I'm not sure there is a next step. Just like any form of marriage or partnership, over time the relationship becomes optimised and flows more smoothly. These days, my wife just gives me instructions when it suits her, without any sense of shifting gears from vanilla to lifestyle. But nothing dramatic.

A deep sense of satisfaction and validation, and relaxation.

Imagine running down a beach naked during a tropical storm. That's what it feels like.

 

Over the past 7 years, our FLR has evolved from fantasy to reality and it has taken several turns along the way. Some have been fun and exciting and others, not so much. After we both realized how dependent the relationship is on good and open communication, confessed our secrets and desires to each other, we began a much more intense and exciting journey, which neither of us would change for the world.

 

It would seem that my wife and I share a similarity to you and your husband. We started our relationship with her in a submissive role. That went on for some time. However, I begin to have an urge to experience submission to her.

She graciously allowed me to explore that for a month or two at a time, with long breaks in between. I have noticed over the last few times we’ve switched, she has gained considerable confidence in the dominant role and a reluctance to truly submit to me while on our breaks periods.

Now, at the start of a new journey into an FLR, I find myself in permanent chastity. There is a sweet suffering in the desire that I have for her, and a comforting adoration to her as she tightens her grip on me. Will I want it to end or will she even allow it again…

 

After 28 years of marriage, with me being the driving force of our very active sex life, we found cock cages and started our role swap. After about 2 years of it being mostly “play”, and many many discussions about what we would like to get out of chastity and my Wife taking over the lead of our sex lives, it got really serious. Her confidence blossomed more, her guilt about denying me orgasms faded away, and she truly took over.
Now in year four, I’m used to being caged 24/7, any play time for me is usually relegated to weekends while my beautiful dominant Wife cums daily and a couple extra or more on weekend days. She is very wonderful as far as teasing regularly throughout the week, she finds time to give me maintenance spankings, and has enjoyed pegging me more over these last couple years as she knows it helps drive my submission to her.
Again, this grew to be our normal sex life after many talks and she knew I always had a fantasy of being dominated by a woman since I was a teenager. And as we went, she realized just how much she loves being in charge and dominating me. So it’s been a win / win.
Of course as a locked Subby, I’d love for her to play with me even more during the week. But I’ve learned to crave her orgasms more than wanting my own, and cuddling her after helping her cum each night as we both fall asleep has become an incredible turn on by itself. We’ve settled into our routines and have some rituals that do weekly and it’s just evolved to the point where neither of us want it to end. We’re both addicted to living this way now.
We’re still co captains in marriage for important things, but more and more it’s becoming a Wife led marriage, I want to serve her and make her the happiest woman on the planet. So we’ll see how it evolves from here, we should be empty nesters soon and things may get more intense for me!

As others have said, keep discussions open and honest and do what makes you both happy with chastity. Everyone here has their own take on it and what works for others may not work for you two, you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be with it. Have fun and explore your role, I’m sure your husband will follow and be amazed as you take more of a lead, and probably beg for more

 

Several months ago, I met a Domme from fetlife and it was pretty much my ideal scenario. She's incredibly hot and works as a stripper. She was looking for a personal slave to basically do all of her house chores, laundry, etc., and to wait on her hand and foot. I am very submissive and love being under the control of a beautiful woman. The first time I showed up to clean for her, she informed me that as her slave, I would be kept locked in chastity. I asked when I'd be allowed out and she said whenever she decided.

I was terrified handing over that kind of power but I couldn't walk away from such a great opportunity. At first it was exciting but by the second day I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. She was very affectionate and loving about it, but explained that I would follow her rules and that I would get used to it eventually. My emotions were basically all over the place.

I absolutely hate it and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. But it's still on because I love the feeling of being under her complete control and, honestly, it does focus my mind like a laser on serving her and making her happy. She has so far unlocked me and allowed me to have one release but then locked me back up.

What makes it easier is that I'm at her house most of the time when I'm not at work. I've found that it feels natural to slip into a mindset of abject servitude to her and love to be in her presence having to worry only about doing whatever she says. She's very open about who she is, so I frequently serve her in front of her girlfriends, several of whom love to give me orders as well. If I'm being honest, I really hate everything about being in chastity except for the fact that it makes the slavery to her feel very real. I want out of it bad but I want to continue serving her more than anything, and she's made it clear that that's a condition I'll have to accept. So I'm trying to resign myself to defeat and get to the acceptance stage. But wow, I had no idea that chastity was so powerful. I've gotten used to the collar and the humiliation, but I don't think I'll ever get used to that.

 

I think it looks wonderful! The only scenario that chastity would be difficult is if my wife/kh lost interest in anything sexual. I think the largest hurdle for men to get over is the mindset of she is to fulfill my sexual urges. A mindset that allows a man to live a life serving a woman who is worthy, a woman who goes for what SHE wants, oohhh myyyy!

 

That's a great post . After many years of chastity fantasies and self locking for nearly 4 years I think it's a risk I'm prepared to take . My wife enjoys my chastity but isn't actively involved in it . This year saw me go 50 weeks orgasm free being locked pretty much 24/7 . Now I know how long term chastity feels I think I could cope, it would of course be a bit easier if there was an element of teasing rather than just being ignored but I'll take what I can get .

Being comfortable with where this could lead I have bought up the subject of FLR and my wife has agreed to read "Love & obey " by Marissa Rudder . I don't expect things to change quickly but over the last 6 months I've tried to behave as if I am in an FLR just to confirm to myself that I can cope if my wife runs with the idea. I'm now at a stage where I am totally comfortable with the idea Chastity could end up being near permanent and anything an FLR may bring .

 

I think that those of us who are submissive, and especially those of us who still want to be locked after those initial weeks or months of exploration know exactly what we're getting into. My deepest desire is to worship my wife orally and please her and listen to her cum, and I understand that this comes at the cost of regular penetrative sex; I don't feel any loss of intimacy, instead I feel privileged to share this level of selfless intimacy. Being permitted to have an erection is a privilege, being permitted to let the even (or only) the head of my member enter her, even with no further entry or movement, is so powerfully reinforcing of our submissive beta nature, and is such an honor. Most of us have been masturbators and know that our erections haven't done us or you or our marriages any favors. And no, I don't expect her to perform oral on me -- I think that's inconsistent with her role as my leader. Yes, this is what we asked for, we long to be able to express and live our submissive desires, it's why we wanted to be locked in the first place.

 

I believe that you will get used to chastity. It takes time.

 

I agree!

 

Sounds quite exciting to me.
"the fact that it makes the slavery to her feel very real” is the what appeals to me the most — the feeling that her control is ever-present.