A New Chapter Unfolds

I put the dinner plans on hold. Everything has been moving so fast recently and I felt swept away by a raging river. It's time to swim to shore and catch my breath. Jen's enthusiasm is infectious, and I think hubby may be harboring some major CFNM fantasies he's never admitted to me. But I haven't figured out what I want.

A month ago, what I most wanted was to be able to tell Jen about this secret part of my relationship with hubby. Sharing everything with her has been great. I no longer feel like I'm hiding a big part of myself from her. I was also a wonderful reversal to the the more "worldly" of the two of us. Perhaps it's petty, but I feel like I was always learning from her and looking up to her, especially when we were younger. It was refreshing for her to be so curious about a topic that I knew so much about!

Saturday was intense. I can't think of anything else I've experienced that was so extremely sexual and non-sexual at the same time. I'm very glad we did it.

I'm not sure what I want next. Dinner was Jen's idea. It's a fun thought - fodder for a dozen stories - but I don't think I want to do it for real. It just seems very big, and long, and complicated. I have no issue with hubby serving me in big, long, complicated ways... we seem to do that quite frequently, actually. But interspersed in there is an awful lot of sexual activity. If we left out all of the caressing, touching, and kissing, then it wouldn't be nearly as fun.

I don't want to stroke hubby in front of Jen. That's a very intimate activity for me; at this point it's pillar of our sex life. I'm not ready to let anyone else see that. I'm surprised, and a little scared, that I had briefly considered it on Saturday. That's a perfect example of feeling swept away by the river. I need a firmer grasp of my own boundaries before I tempt fate like that again.

What about having hubby stroke himself in front of Jen? That thought also went through my head on Saturday. Somehow, it being hubby's hand instead of mine makes it completely different. I don't love the idea, but I don't hate it either. If hubby was more of an exhibitionist and wanted to do something like that, I'd go along with it, and probably even enjoy the show. But it's not something I'm going to push for.

What do I want to do with Jen watching? Well, hubby addressing me as "Mistress Pamela" was wonderful. I know it's a tiny thing, but I loved it. Something about having him say it in front of someone else made it more special. Having him at my beck and call was another thing that was definitely better with an audience. Hubby being naked was exciting. It felt very decadent, like I was a Roman noblewoman with a bevy of naked slaves. Again, an audience made a big difference. But nudity was third on that list... I'd actually be pretty happy with just the first two.

So I have to think about this some more. Maybe we'll try a visit with hubby remaining dressed while he serves us. It would be an interesting comparison.

 

Not yet. Years and years ago I wrote a bunch on stories on orgasmdenial.com. I think that site is long gone. I might have copies of some of those lying around somewhere.

I only recently started writing fiction again and posted a few stories here. If I stick with it I'll either post more here or maybe find somewhere more general to post them. Any recommendations?

I find fiction harder to write but I'm enjoying getting back to it. Harder because there are so many more decisions. With my journal the outline already exists and I'm just finding a good way to put it to words. With fiction I find myself writing and rewriting as I get new ideas. But it's more enjoyable because it is completely at my own pace. If I'm feeling inspired I can draft a couple stories in an afternoon. If I'm not feeling up to it I can just wait until the mood strikes. There isn't the pressure of "I just did X and should write about it pretty soon before I forget".

 

Yes, I suspect that is true for hubby as well.

I had been feeling very swept up in everything and really wanted to spend some time thinking just about what I felt and ignoring everyone else for a moment. I realized that my feelings about caressing hubby vs ordering him to touch himself were very different. I don't want to get into a situation where I would touch him in front of Jen. I'm more neutral on me ordering him to touch himself. But that's strictly from my perspective.

I didn't mean to suggest that I'd act purely on that. Hubby's perspective matters very much. I'm sure he'd have a very hard time touching himself in that situation. In fact, if I absolutely had to choose one or the other then I'd probably caress him because even though it would make me uncomfortable, I know how much more uncomfortable hubby would be with the other choice. But since both options are bad, I want to make sure I avoid it entirely.

I put the dinner on hold because I want to think about this some more. Yes, we were practically there on Saturday, but if a visit like that is scratching all the right itches, then maybe we just do more of those. I still need to sort out what I want and what hubby wants.

 

I am, at my core, a people pleaser. I always have been. In my youth, that tendency was far too strong and I often ignored my own needs. It has been tempered by age, and I feel I'm more balanced now, but my decisions still skew towards tying to make everyone else happy, which in turn makes me happy.

That was a huge stumbling block when hubby wanted to start playing with orgasm denial. I thought nothing makes a man happier than an orgasm. How could I not give him one? It took me a long time to realize that the denial made him even happier than an orgasm. So I would tease him and make him wait a week, and that was still me being a people pleaser and making him happy. Not that I'm complaining. It was a lot of fun and we were both very happy with the arrangement.

It took me longer still to start thinking in terms of what I wanted. I just wasn't used to thinking that way. If I had a choice between A or B my thoughts would immediately gravitate towards what I believed hubby would prefer. To get around this, I'd imagine that hubby liked both equally. That helped me focus on thinking about which I truly preferred, and the strength of that preference. Once I had that sorted out, I'd start thinking about hubby's perspective and combine the two. Over time I started giving my internal preference more weight, though never to the point of completely dismissing hubby's concerns. Even so, I often have to go through that little game of pretend first.

After Saturday, I started feeling like I didn't really know what I wanted. I rushed into it, perhaps swayed by Jen's enthusiasm, or maybe just thirsting for a new experience. I needed to figure out my own feelings. And to do that I had to pretend hubby liked everything equally, that Jen liked everything equally. If that was the case, would I choose A or B?

That moment of doubt I had on Saturday, wondering what I should do if hubby didn't get hard enough, was quite illuminating. I played that back in my head, ignoring that hubby would want to be hard, or whatever Jen might think. How would I feel about touching him? That one was easy... I wouldn't want to to it. I'm not saying it repulsed me in some huge way, just that between touching him and not touching him, if everyone else was equally happy with both options, I'd definitely choose not to touch him.

What about instructing him to touch himself? That was more ambiguous. It felt too intimate, but there was also the appeal of him following my orders. It was kind of a wash for me. Again, this was in the pretend world where hubby would be equally happy with any outcome. Of course we don't live in that pretend world. Even though it was a wash for me, I'm sure it would be a huge negative for hubby. There's no way I'd make him do that.

Going back to Saturday, the decision I was worried about facing wasn't whether to do something or nothing, but rather which of the two somethings would be the better way to give him a nice, full erection. Neither choice is good, and I suspect an argument could be made for either. Today, with a clearer head, I believe a better choice would have been for hubby and I to go into another room so I could touch him in private. Nobody does something they dislike, and hubby gets to feel good about the "size" stuff. But I wasn't thinking clearly enough for that on Saturday. That's perhaps another hint that I needed to slow down a little.

Anyway, all of this is just a longer explanation of why I felt the need to pause and take stock of the situation. I'm sure we'll do something in the future. I'm not quite sure what, or how long we'll wait, but it was exciting enough that I definitely want to come back to it.

 

Maybe?

He's only recently been able to accept/admit how much he liked being naked. Masturbating would be a huge step. There's no reason to push things now, but if he comes to me and says he's ready, then we'll probably try it.

 

Hubby and I had a good talk about chastity last night. It was prompted by me telling him that I decided he'd get an orgasm on Christmas Day. That was sort of a good-news/bad-news situation for him. He was hoping for earlier in the month, but at least I wasn't making him wait until next year. Ignoring our one week "vacation" back in September, this will be only his third full orgasm for the year. That's rather remarkable considering that it was probably close to fifty a year prior to full time chastity.

We both want to continue with chastity next year. To me, that was never really in doubt, but it was still nice to hear him acknowledge that it was what he wanted as well. Ironically, our one week "vacation from chastity" was a highlight of the year for both of us. I'm sure it would lose it's appeal if we did it too frequently, but making it a yearly tradition sounds good. I just need to pick a time of the year. Our wedding anniversary would be an obvious candidate, but that's in October and would mess up Locktober. Maybe one of our birthdays, which are in March and May, would be better. Another idea is to do it in April to commemorate when we started full time chastity. I have to give it some more thought, but we'll definitely do it some time during the year.

While talking about the future, hubby made his usual request for monthly orgasms, though he also admitted that quarterly had been working well. I know he'd prefer monthly, but I was curious how much he wanted it compared to other things. Would he give up the vacation in exchange for monthly orgasms? It turns out the vacation is more important to him (which is good because I loved it too). What if I was willing to relax the rule on recycling instead? He said he'd rather have more orgasms than stop with recycling. I thought that was pretty interesting because consuming his cum after a full orgasm has been very difficult for him, and I was seriously considering only making him recycle ruined orgasms. So maybe we'll test that out on Christmas. If he chooses to recycle then I'll let him have an orgasm in January, otherwise he'll wait until March. It will be an interesting experiment.

 

It's been a pleasure talking to Claire!

 

Yes, we've talked about it a little. Hubby wants to do it again, but is nervous about having a panic attack beforehand. He hasn't been very forthcoming about what else he'd like to try, so whatever we do we'll take it slow.

I think I'm ready for another "show" as well. But December also tends to be very busy with other things, so we may not get around to it until after the New Year.

 

It's been a while...

The Holidays are always a busy time of the year, but in a very fun way. I gave hubby his long-awaited orgasm on Christmas morning. I also gave him a choice: he could skip recycling and we'd stay on the three month schedule, or if he ate his cum right away without any complaints we could try a one month schedule instead. He surprised me by licking up his cum without any fuss at all. A while back he had said that's what he'd chose, but I assumed that when the moment of truth arose, he'd back down. Recycling was only one part of the deal: he also had to be on good behavior right from day one... I didn't want a week or two of ornery behavior. Of course, I locked him back up right away. Everything seemed to be going well until life got in the way.

I wound up having to travel to deal with a family crisis. I didn't know how long I'd be gone, and I expected to be stressed the entire time. I decided to unlock hubby before I left. Perhaps that's a controversial choice around here... maybe I should have left him locked without a second thought. But keyholding is a heavy responsibility, and I wind up feeling very guilty any time I stray too close to "lock and forget". We've never mastered long distance teasing, and besides, I knew I wasn't going to have a spare thought for hubby at all. It seemed simpler just to unlock him.

I was gone for about a week, flight delays made the return trip exhausting, and to top it off I woke up with the flu the morning after I returned. It took me most of the following week to recover. But all of that is behind us now. I locked hubby a couple days ago and we're starting to get back to our normal routine. It's felt a little bumpy, but if I'm being completely honest most of that is probably on me. I just haven't been myself.