Why the negative view on 'topping from the bottom' - especially in a non D/s relationship?

It's just the dishonesty of saying "I want to submit", and then attempting to control instead of attempting to submit. I think humans love to hate hypocrisy.

 

I believe that giving my wife control is just that. If she doesn't act like a typical domme that doesn't mean she still isn't in control. So yeah, I could still be trying to top from the bottom in our situation. Her dominating me isn't what is seen in porn or in some relationships here. She doesn't peg me, doesn't dress me in women's clothes or humiliate me. She simply has the key and I stay locked until she chooses to unlock me.

So to answer your question, if I'm giving up control, I'm giving up total control. It doesn't mean I can tell her things I like or things that turn me on but it is up to her in the end. If it wasn't then I didn't give up control.

 

What you are describing is not really topping from the bottom. For that to happen, you must be attempting that kind of relationship. Asking a partner to fulfill a fantasy hardly falls into that dynamic.

My opinion on it is expectations and not fulfilling the established roles agreed to. If someone says “honey I want you to have complete control” and then tell them exactly what they have to do, it’s not being controlled.

I tell my wife what turns me on, she knows what I like. If she wants to oblige, she can.

 

Because a lot of people like to think they're experts on other people's lives. Not sure if it's more prevalent in BDSM circles or not.

 

I agree with another post, I do not think this is topping from the bottom. It sounds like this is just more of a discussion of your desires and your GF/KH is agreeing to them. If you start giving her orders and telling her to do things she is not comfortable with that would be topping from the bottom. It really depends on what works in your relationship. It is awesome your GF likes to keep you excited. Make sure you are open to her wishes and desires also. Sometimes women are not as open as guys to share theirs.

 

I have always craved external control: a girl calling the shots, me submitting. THAT is the most important aspect of my sexuality, everything else secondary. In fantasies I am a non-consenting victim of a cruel female. It was like that from childhood.
Most of my life I sought out extreme BDSM, but it was always me asking a woman to act out a fantasy (so I was topping from the bottom).
In my current relationship it’s the real thing. My friend completely refuses to do anything kinky (or indeed sexual). She just keeps me locked, permanently, and has effectively rendered me as sexless as a Ken doll (to be trendy about it). On one level it’s the least kinky relationship ever, but to me it’s the most extreme, and emotionally satisfying. The only way it could be better would be if she could literally have my penis amputated (sadly, illegal).

 

My wife is not the creative one or initiator when it comes to travel or going out to restaurants. But she loves it that I think of new places or restaurants to go to. She still approves or denies my suggestions. I try to think of places she might like.

The same is true for our sex life. She is always the one to initiate physical intimacy but i occasionally suggest ideas to spice it up a little based on what i think she might become comfortable with.

 

I wouldn't listen to those folks.

Remember, it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Open and honest communication is the best way to a happy coexistence with your partner, and if that means asking them to do things for your kink then so be it. Hopefully they will reciprocate.

A goal in life ought to be to live it your fullest, and you won't do that by not sharing your likes and dislikes, and listening to people on the internet telling you how you should manage your relationship.

 

I like to give her a little guidance.....if thats topping from the bottom

 

Look at it fro her point of view. It is very irritating in any situation when someone is trying to make you act in a certain way or do a particular thing. It is doubly annoying when that happens in the context of a relationship where you're supposed to have given control to that other person.

 

I think she's secretly reading my posts. We were talking about curiousity and intellectual intimacy last night after supper, and my wife told me she loves these things about me!

 

It feels to me sometimes much like the "Ford vs GM" or "Apple vs PC" idealistic, digging in to a topic. Folks needing to be right, and taking the advice to "not top from the bottom" as something they tie their identity to. This is just the vibe I get in the language in posts about this on this and other sites. So...it happens, people get spun up about something, feel they need to protect their stance, and hold on tight. It's human nature I guess.

Now, that said, Alison Armstrong has a really fantastic approach to making a Great Ask. It goes like:

Describe

"I need/want ________________.


It looks like _________________.

(what, when, how often, by when, etc. - Ask “What would that look like?” if not provided)


It would provide _____________.

(give me, allow me to do, create results, qualities I would be)


What do you need from me to give me what I need?

(Is there anything you need to give me what I’m asking for?)


RELEASE - give them space and let them think about it


~ Make it a Dialogue ~"

A Great Ask around chastity could be the idea of "I need/want to not be allowed to top from the bottom"...describe what it looks like, what it would do for you as part of the realization of your desire, and as what is needed from your partner for them to help make it happen.

Chicken or the egg, though, now...is THIS actually topping from the bottom? Is true avoidance of topping from the bottom to never discuss what you need, how you want it to work, and let them guess and try to figure it out? That sounds very confusing and like a mess waiting to happen.

Because the result is then complaining, arguing, passive aggressive behavior, frustration, misunderstanding, and eventually resentment and giving up on one or both sides.

It's like in a card game, everyone has agreed to the rules, knows what's in the deck and then doesn't reveal their cards until they are played. Knowing what you're working from and the ability to talk through something is healthy.

 

Every chastity relationship is different, everyone does it differently and to different degrees. If it works for you and brings you two closer and strengthens your relationship then I say screw everyone else and their opinions. If it works for you it works for you. Doesn't have to work for anyone else, just you and your gf. Only you two need understand your dynamic.

I think humans just love to be Karen's and troll other people bc it's easy to judge and be seen or heard as a expert or feel validated by others in the group by putting people down or saying what they do and how they do it is wrong when they're not even the ones in the relationship.

Like I said before if it works it works, no one else needs to understand it as long as you and your gf do that's all that matters.

 

Let's see how many Karen's that upset... Lol let the drama ensue.

And go key board warriors... Lol

 

Wow people are really getting worked up about this! I think you’re right - you’re in a regular consensual relationship. Topping from the bottom really only exists if there is a top and a bottom - thus if you’re not in a D/s relationship there is no top or bottom and therefore no “topping from the bottom.”
I’m glad you mentioned your situation though, as my partner and I were wondering how many others in chastity are not in D/s relationships. Like - it’s basically just a kink to enhance one’s sex life.

 

I think that chastity relationships come in a variety of flavors, but some people like to impose their opinion of what a chastity relationship “should be.” There is no one “right” way to enjoy chastity (although I do enjoy it when she takes more control). Just make it work for you and don’t worry about others opinions.

It sounds that your relationship is similar to mine in that we both try to communicate our needs and desires with our partners. My wife/KH and I are not into any hardcore D/S or FLR dynamics, but we both try to fulfill each others desires as much as possible. It’s hard to do that without communicating those desires. Also, my wife is rather vanilla, and without me communicating my desires, it’s unlikely she would know how to push my buttons in regards to chastity. Some key holders just need some suggestions, especially when getting started.

 

It's the purists getting their knickers in a twist. OK, said this before in one way or another. Topping from the bottom isn't ideal, but for many of us, especially with porn and masterbation addiction and vanilla wives who sort of get it and are slow to take it on board, for one reason or another, need to consciously nudge things along in the right direction, knowing that (and this is often a turn on) by being honest and telling the truth they likely seal (literally) their own fate. You do you. 3 years in, I still do a bit. It needs to be done really sensitively and carefully at the right time. Language is everything.

 

The best advice anyone ever gets about Chasity (or really any other aspect of a relationship) is generally "Communicate with your partner."

Then someone comes along as yells "don't top from the bottom!"

sigh.