Adaptive Fetishism in a Vanilla Relationship

Sounds like you have found a happy place with it.

I think that is everyone's aim really, and adapation is the key to survival of course.

Being openminded helps too

 

Agree on most points and definitely everyone’s journey is different. Ours was similar to most…I suggested, she was reluctant at first but grew to understand and embrace, and eventually totally get into/off on the control aspect. Porn wasn’t really a gateway, but certainly after getting our first cage(s) it made me realize how much I was masturbating. Also similar to others sex was generally in my terms and she would give in sometimes when she really wasn’t into it, now that’s not an issue and I look at it as having given her the ultimate gift of that control.

Yes, I still suggest or even ask if she’d like to play (which is pretty much me pleasuring her), and knowing that if I do a great job and she’s in the mood for it, she may unlock the cage and let her property out to play, have PIV or whatever else…almost always without me getting to cum, and I thank her for that.

Took a while but now I look forward to the journey to my next orgasm (whenever that may be) rather than just the final goal of blowing my load. She absolutely love that, and since we started this journey we have a ton more sex than we used to as that pressure for her is gone and she knows that saying “no” is ok.

 

This is absolutely true -- and necessary. We all have these fantasies of what chastity's supposed to be like, supposed in our own head, that is. It's always different from what you really get. Most of us want more teasing, or more dominance, or more attention, or to be let out more often. For me, it's evolved to where she pretty much doesn't mention it -- my chastity cage is just part of me, part of our marriage. She goes weeks without mentioning it, I go weeks and sometimes months without erections. I've come to fetishize that, to want more teasing but to be excited by the denial of even that little bit of attention. In a sense, we fetishize the unknowability of 'be careful what you ask for'

 

That's actually turned out to be the biggest benefit and my favorite thing about chastity - I can be as romantic as I want with her and not worry about pressuring her into obligation sex. And she can accept my physical advances without hesitation because she knows they'll only go as far as she wants. It's made us much more physical with each other, since physical intimacy no longer requires intercourse as the end-game.

 

My wife/Queen has never turned me away from sex, until now. Previously I realized that I was not happy, if she wasn’t interested. The personal satisfaction just was not there if it was charity sex, instead of a mutual romp. So I have been trying to read her correctly for years, and only pursue her intimately if I believed she was interested. Taking the step into chastity was not that big of a deal, more of a natural progression, or an adaptation. Chastity does insert a new twist that we both find interesting, and enjoyable.

 

Thank you for this great thread. These quotes are really meaningful and prove that the brain stays the most powerful sexual organ we have.

 

This is a great post. I have known I was sexually submissive since I was a young teenager. (Not to date myself, but I discovered it via my Dad's porno magazines) Since then I have read stories, built hundreds of fantasy scenarios in my head, watched countless videos, etc. However, it has only been in the last 7 years that I have had someone in my life who was "adventurous" enough to try anything with me. However, she is still pretty vanilla, and basically plays the part for me.

Often, I have to take a step back and reign myself in as she and I are on different levels when it comes to kink. She enjoys playing and I definitely want to keep it that way. Unfortunately when you are a submissive and you don't want to top from the bottom, it is hard to guide someone along in that way. So far this is what works for me:

* No matter how much I want to be denied, she can let me out whenever. I think of it as her penis and she can use it any way she wants, even if it doesn't match up with my fantasy of being teased and denied for weeks on end. Sometimes if life is getting to crazy for her, she doesn't also want to have to deal with locking me up and trying to figure out what to do.

* Along those lines, I don't bug her with asking to be put in the cage. I might suggest it every couple of months if we will have some time off together, but otherwise I trust that she will ask if she wants to.

* I try to cater my actions that will resonate with her, and not with my fantasies. Although I would love for her to use my rear end as her personal play space, she is not there yet (and maybe she will never be). Because of that, I focus on things that she likes, cuddling in bed, giving her massages, reading erotica to her. Also, I love humiliation but she really isn't into that, so I am leaving that be for the time being.

* I also try to cater to things that she likes sexually - she loves role play, so I try to make sure that she has "visitors" stop by the house to fix plumbing, preach the word, deliver pizzas, etc. It is actually kind of fun to try to work the chastity cage in the plot when doing that.

* Finally, as much as I hate topping from the bottom, I help her out when she needs it. Sometimes I will give her some lists of things that she can do to tease me, punishments, etc. By giving her lists, I am not giving her exact instructions, but suggestions that she can take (or not) and choose from.

Along these lines, we have a wedding coming up in June, and we both want to lose about 30 pounds between now and then, and I happen to be caged at the moment, so I suggested that we use it as a motivation tool. She seemed open to it - and even said that my suggestion of a reward for every 2 pounds was way too low .

 

Absolutely THAT.

If you can turn everything your partner does, or doesn't do, into something they're doing for your benefit, it has many positive advantages.
How can you ever be unhappy when your partner does everything for you?

 

I think this is a form of natural evolution, as each partner gradually steps into their respective role. As each evolves to live it out rather than just play it out, the newly created dynamics is bound to generate its own necessities for adjustments.

 

You and I live similar lives in this aspect

 

For me, it's turned out to be more than I anticipated or fantasized about. There is a minor element of my preconceived fantasy but hasn't come to fruition, but that hasn't diminished the new dynamic that we've found.

There was a fantasy or two that I had unrelated to chastity that have been cast to the side of the road. But the overwhelming pleasure of our revived sex life has made those a distant memory.

I agree with this statement. When I asked my wife to hold my keys, I told her I needed her to teach me self-control. For us, we were in a sexless marriage for at least a decade. So she wasn't cognizant of any out of control behavior that needed to be tamed. But now that my libido and testosterone levels have been restored, she's fully aware of the beast that wants to break loose.

 

Have you read this excellent book?

Marnia Robinson - Cupid's Poisoned Arrow
From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships

Perhaps not exactly an answer to your question,
but it is a great answer to lots of other questions.

 

Initially she was just going along, but quickly realized she was enjoying her role as a key holder, and now embraces this new journey. She definitely enjoys her part. She mentioned the other day how I was spoiling her while locked up. I asked if she enjoyed the spoiling, and she said yes. She almost feels guilty about it.

 

I'd love to hear more examples like that. To keep in the back of my mind when I'm frustrated at being ignored.

I can give one example from "before chastity": I was horny, she was watching some Tiktok BS on her phone. She didn't feel like having sex so she told me to masturbate. She lied down on her belly, I pulled down her pyjama bottoms to see her bum, and then I masturbated while she was still completely focused on her phone. Super hot, and her ignoring made it hotter somehow.

 

There's a whole fetish about this - check out r/BoredandIgnored