The mechanisms and psychology of Chastity

I'd always wondered if chastity and orgasm denial made you more submissive; or whether it just turbo charged your already present urges.
The issue with drawing any conclusions is that the vast majority of people playing with chastity are submissive so of course that's the trend we'd see regardless.

 

And kudos to you Jay for an insightful question. Getting us to really think—and articulate—the values and mechanisms of chastity is a worthy effort.

 

I love the point you made. Is chastity inherently submissive? Maybe not!

 

Testosterone is the major driver of libido, Oxytocin is being studied for all forms of sexual addiction, so I would start there.

 

This is a great thread! I’ve been waiting to make some points about our sexual dynamic between male / female. I thought about just starting a thread on it, but I think this is a great place to bring it up. I love bio hacking and learning about every little bio hack available. I consider intermittent fasting to be a bio hack (which has been great for me – I got to high school weight last year losing 40 lbs) and I also consider chastity to be a bio hack. I want to talk about this in the context we are already in as well as where we came from; meaning we’re assuming committed relationships and society / culture as we know it, but hang on - 5 or 10 thousand years ago, there was no idea of marriage or a committed relationship. Societies and civilized cultures evolved to bring us to where we are now (life as we know it), but we’ve been the same feral animals under the hood the whole time.

So we get to this question of: why am I into this, or how does it make sense and how does this add up etc. People gravitate to whatever kink sequence they had that got them here. You started chastity / played with it. You loved it and you don’t know why.

Then I learned the science that many have cited (think feral animals again). Dopamine is fueling us in a chase for a sexual prize (the orgasm). As we get closer and closer to that prize, in parallel, oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) has a beautiful song / dance so holding hands, giving her a back rub or any interaction that has even the slightest amount of intimacy becomes erotic for the male and can keep us in a prolonged buzz. Obviously more exposure like being teased or pleasing her with no release is even more heightened. After we have an orgasm, prolactin is released and slams the breaks on dopamine and basically tells you to start looking for another orgasm. Incidentally, on the female side, prolactin stimulates breast milk for female and breast feeding moms get a bath of oxytocin in the breast feeding process to bond her to her child and form a connection. So that is just how it works. Similar to when I’m debating intermittent fasting with people who have different opinions … I want to just distill the conversation to “you know how insulin works, right?” and then we go from there. I would assume that all of us stumbled into chastity not really knowing why. It was somehow connected to one kink or another and you got here. So if you remain ignorant; not understanding why this is driving you wild, people continue on whatever vector … it’s because I’m submissive, it’s because I want to be dominated, it’s because I have this fetish or that fetish. Ok, maybe, I’m sure that’s all a part of it, but really it is more like, when the male doesn’t have an orgasm he gets more interested in [insert your kinks right here]. I would also say that for me chastity has allowed me to be more open about my kinks with my wife. Orgasm denial and whatever kinks you are into are 2 different topics that weave in and out of each other. We’ll all go in different directions, right? I love feet, I love getting my balls busted. I can’t explain where that comes from, but I can explain how chastity fuels them and why. Some people want to get pegged – not my thing or anywhere on my radar. So I don’t get why someone would want to get pegged, but I 100% get why they love it more when locked up and they are super horny.

Zooming in / out on chronology here:
How do you think sexual activity worked 10 thousand years ago? Right now, It is not socially acceptable to rape women, it’s not socially acceptable for a male to try and fuck a different woman every chance he gets. But if you want to grasp why our successful society exists where it is today, you can thank the male sex drive. I’m pretty sure that ten thousand years ago, that’s just how things worked.

Ok, fast forward to the lifetime we are in now. When some people on CM and into the kinks here go on and on about how females are superior and they should dominate males and that’s the way it should be … I kind of want to point out what got us here. Males are physically stronger. Objectively evolution would also say males are more attractive than females – the females selected the desirable traits and those traits get to live on (compare male vs female mallard duck or a peacock for example – which are more attractive?). Theoretically, males need to be more attractive to earn the interest of the females and the females see it that way. I think maybe an even more interesting topic is how committed relationships evolved – they were selected by the female. There is a shared interest in committed relationships in the male because a committed relationship guarantees your gene pool is moving forward and she did not mate with anyone else during that relationship. And it takes humans let’s say 18 years to reach maturity. It makes sense that the concept of a committed relationship evolved for both male and female, but I can assure you that females selected it. Some would say that when the committed relationship evolved, love also evolved and was created at that point.

Today, Males have all been born into a society and culture that does not allow our bodies to do what it really wants to do. We are designed to fuck often and as many different people we can to spread our genes. Think about the male vs female reproductive strategies. They are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Males are physically able to (and motived to) have sex daily or even more than once a day. For the male, there is zero risk in spreading his gene pool; a few minutes, you get off, you’re done. The female though, it’s a bit different. They have 1 opportunity a month to spread their gene pool. They will bear and raise the child. It is extremely important for her to be selective. The female does not have a physical need for relief the way a male does and her senses are not heightened when they have not had sex the way a male is. When trying to compare sex drives, I bring up carnal needs that we can both relate to – like eating. When you go into a restaurant after you had just eaten a ton of food, you don’t really care about what you are seeing in the restaurant. But think about when you go into say an Italian restaurant hungry. You smell the garlic bread and the marinara sauce before you see it, you look at the food on everyone’s table – and you want in! Your senses in the restaurant are so so sensitive. Females may have moments here and there that pique their sexual interest (I’m not saying that they don’t get hot and bothered too), but it pales in comparison to the persistent male sex drive. The difference is night and day. The difference is like shooting a bullet vs throwing a bullet.

Men just think with their dicks – right?
So we live in a society where it is totally acceptable to discount the male sex drive … “men just think with their dicks.” And I want to just sort of call out when that happens. How is it that we can acknowledge that the male sex drive is normal and healthy, yet it is ok to just say we think with our dicks in a negative way? Zoom into a committed relationship and the guy is horny for his wife / girlfriend. He wants sex with her or he is looking at porn or whatever and he is “just thinking with his dick, he just wants sex again.” For something that is normal, let’s compare another “normal” response to say a new born baby. If a newborn was crying because s/he was hungry or needed their diaper changed, you wouldn’t react with “oh, they just need their diaper changed again,” or “oh, they are just hungry again” etc. Those are no less natural than the male sex drive. But somehow we’ve been raised in a society that is ok with discounting the normal needs of a male and the male sex drive has been demonized.

So how the fuck am I going to wrap this up?
So I know how my hormones work and I know why I am horny etc. The male feral animal in me has not gone away, but I am confined to modern day culture and society. I have been married for 20 years in a committed relationship. I love my wife. I see every other attractive women around me, but I have no interest in anything more than a look. Part of me wonders where I would be if I did not take the committed relationship path or if I lived thousands of years ago. I feel like my sexuality is like a balloon and when you squeeze it or confine something pops up somewhere. If I had open, free, constant access to sex in my adolescence and beyond (like it would have been 10 thousand years ago), I’m not sure that I would have ever found out that I have foot fetish or that like to get my balls busted. I would have just been going full alpha male and not looking back. But society and culture did not allow that – the balloon was squeezed. I turned to masturbation. In the early years, it was with Victoria’s secret and years later the internet would show me so many other angles I didn’t know exist – like chastity.

Coming full circle on my thoughts, I’m trying to make the point that mating in captivity is this song and dance. Both male and females love the chase part of a new relationship. But how do you keep chasing something you already have? Male chastity is the perfect fit. I had to rationalize all of this for myself over years. I backed into chastity by accident and it slowly drew me in. I had to ask myself why the fuck am I into this. Then when I learned the science behind it (dopamine, oxytocin, prolactin etc), I recognized this as an insanely awesome biohack and leaned in harder than ever. Chastity gives the best of both worlds. I feel like it let’s me openly communicate my kinks to my wife and allows me to tap into the feral animal inside of me. At the same time, it refines that feral animal in today’s society and routes all of it to my wife and family. I think of the Jack Nicholas movie As Good As It Gets … where he just said “you make me want to be a better man.”

 

I feel like the constant state of arousal (sometimes strong, sometimes not so strong, but still ever-present) is more enjoyable long term than a fleeting orgasm here and there that force a restart. This is especially more pleasurable when my wife acknowledges that she is aware that I am always on at least a moderate arousal level.

For me there is also a need for the cage. It's not that I would necessarily fail if using the honor system. It's more that I love the outward assurance to myself and my wife that I intend to make no attempt to do something to cease the pleasant frustration of the endless arousal. I know that I could choose right now to pull out and do something to address my pent-up desire. But there is some sort of honor in respecting the symbology of the cage and what it represents. I know I'm not the first one to point out that the cage, to me, feels like an extension of my wedding band. It is an outward demonstration of my loyalty to my wife and her role in our relationship.

I agree that there is another whole dynamic involved when the one I love is participating in my lock-up. Immensely more arousing and enjoyable.

 

Thank you , very interesting post and insight. I love sex with my Queen, and she has a surprisingly great sex drive. I have been struggling with the fact I enjoy her limiting my orgasms despite this fact (what the F is wrong with me). She too at first was hesitant, but is now loving the benefits of keeping me chaste more every week. Starting to realize/understand I might be a dopamine junkie, and she is getting hooked on the effects oxytocin has on me. Nice to understand some of the bioscience behind it.

 

Chastity

 

Male chastity is a step in the selfless direction, it's putting someone else above yourself. I suspect selflessness in the sex department is not something most women are accustomed to and therefor don't know how to respond, hence the hesitation to jump on board.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. In my experience these two things have helped (both male and female perspectives):

Unbound book (directed to women, but applies to men as well):
https://www.amazon.com/Unbound-Womans-Guide-Kasia-Urbaniak/dp/0593084519

The ultimate guide to owning your power--and mastering how to use it.

How can so many women feel "good and mad" yet still reluctant to speak up in a meeting or difficult conversation? Why do women often feel like they're too much--and, at the same time, not enough? What causes us, at the most critical moments in our lives, to freeze?

Kasia Urbaniak teaches power to women--and her answers to these questions may surprise you. Based on insights from her experiences as a dominatrix, her training to become a Taoist nun, and the countless women she has taught to expand their influence, this book offers precise, practical instruction in how to stand in your power, find your voice, and use it well.

Learn how to:

• Embrace your desires as the pathway to your destiny.
• Ask for--and get--what you need in your life, work, and in the bedroom.
• Skillfully navigate hearing "no" and any resistance, even your own.
• Flip power dynamics when someone crosses your boundaries and puts you on the spot.
• Create new and expanded roles for the people in your life with precise, targeted asks.

And for us guys, this sums it up well:

Masculine Containment (Teal Swan):
https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/masculine-containment-r443/

or video here:



Then read any number of books on how to become a better man (No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Way of the Superior Man, etc)

Kink aspect aside, I would think 90%+ of cases of stale marriages, frustrated men and women who can't get their needs met, not understanding each other, etc, is all answered in the above.

Men aren't given role models for how to provide containment and properly create the safe masculine environment women need, and women are taught not to ask for what they want. The result is, as Kasia puts it, "Smush". This nebulous ambiguous non-specific half message about what we want. Instead of simply voicing our true desires, mind in alignment with our bodies.

Women are taught to be "nice girls" who don't say no, don't ask for what they want, and hell, to not feel and acknowledge that they even want something.

Bring the combo together and you have men who aren't creating an emotionally safe environment, coupled with women who expect men to know what they are thinking (knight in shining armor) and can't be specific about what they want and feel that they deserve to get it. We're living in a mess of screwed up socialization patterns that create this misalignment within ourselves and between men and women that causes all sorts of problems.

What's interesting to me is the dynamic of "chastity", because it creates an environment of sexual equity, which couples can either choose to capitalize on or not. If they do, they can almost immediately see the benefits (the first week of it alone creates the most incredible endorphin rush. . If they don't, frustration continues. But one way or another, couples need to get past the smush in order to see the benefits. It has to go beyond the chastity and reach into those hard places and conversations.

In many cases, man, it's really hard to do. Guilt, shame, judgment, learned patterns of behavior, expectations after years/decades of denying desires and projecting a false self make it challenging to navigate to a common ground to work from.

</lunchtime soapbox ponderings>

 

So how is someone that self locks, say using a timed safe, for the purpose of having less often but more intense orgasms being selfless?

 

I have never heard a woman talk like that! A man would get hung in the street for saying what she said.

Knightly, are you part of her marketing team?

I suppose they are not being selfless, enjoy your explosions!

 

I love your raw honesty!

 

I usually flatten out between Day 25 and Day 30.

 

I did this for years before I had an interested partner. It gave me more energy, I was more cheerful and it really turned me on. One doesn't need a partner to benefit from chastity.

 

I agree. I was just pointing out chastity is not necessarily a selfless act like was suggested.

 

Thinking about the "Why?", and the hormonal mess we're in after millennia of evolution...

For our genes to have survived, all our ancestors have had to produce children. Those that were more efficient at this, and those who had the most descendants, are the ones who resulted in us being alive today.

So what makes for successful breeding and populating the next generation?
The answer is very different things for men and women, which is why our hormonal systems have evolved so differently.

For women, having descendants to populate the next generation means spending a good deal of time pregnant, during which the creation of other descendants is put on hold, and then having to protect that child until it too is capable of raising it's own offspring. The female evolutionary priority is survival, not numbers, they have to invest far more time for each child than the male needs to.

For men, creating a child takes minutes, not months, so once they've done it once, they are then able to move on to other women to spread their genes as wide and as far as possible. The more they do, the more chance of those genes creating a new generation. The male evolutionary priority is numbers, if some offspring don't survive, then the additional numbers means there's still a good chance that others will survive to pass on the genes.

For a man, bonding with a single woman is less important if they want their genes to survive, for a woman, they needed the protection of a small group of men for both them and their child to survive.

So what does this have to do with sex, orgasms and the like?

After orgasm, the female and male responses are markedly different.
A female will be immediately ready for intercourse again, it doesn't matter who the male partner is, whoever he is, half of her child's genes will be hers. Females don't have the refractory period that males do, they need to get pregnant by only the strongest males, and form bonds with those male partners to be part of and to gain the protection of the tribe.
A male has a refractory period after orgasm, which means he is less likely to form a bond and is able to wander off to encounter another female to spread his seed again. Yes the orgasm means he'll want sex again, but the attachment to a particular woman isn't so strong, any woman will do.

The hormonal interplay that enables a man to first catch the girl but then immediately 'play the field' (documented elsewhere, I'll not go into it here) is manipulated by orgasm denial. That is facilitated by chastity, producing that continual state of arousal and desire, while not experiencing the post orgasm drop.

In modern society, it's more often the woman who makes the final decision when a couple decide to get together, the man proposes, the woman accepts, or refuses. The man is less choosy, the woman more so about creating offspring. The single male person's genes that she takes on for 9 months of pregnancy need to be the best, whereas for the genes the man is able to spread around liberally, it's not quite so important that he picks just the one best woman, for males it's more a simple numbers game.

This may also explain why apparently contradictory cuckolding works for many.
For the male cuckold, the continuous arousal of orgasm denial is more powerful than the desire to have a single partner, hence being able to stay devoted to his cuckoldress who enables those good feelings, but with less attachment than she would have so allowing her to be impregnated by other males. For the male stag, cuckolding is just playing out the normal desire to spread the male genes as far and as wide as possible.

For the woman, her desire is to be both protected by having many males around her, and the more who are devoted solely to her then the better, but being impregnated only by the strongest genes. Cuckolding proves the loyalty of the protective cuckold who is devoted and does anything for her, the stag shows dominance (a form of protection), and it also satisfies her preference to father children only by the men with the strongest genes, ie the stag's and not the cuckold's.
For her, it's not so much the weakness of the cuckold, as the comparative strength of the stag with her cuckold that makes it work. The weakness of the cuckold and the stag's comparative strength is emphasised if the cuckold is chastised, feminised or has other submissive traits.

 

From a view point of evolutionary effectiveness, why isn't world population 90% female?

 

because it's males who determine the sex of a child and sperm has a roughly 50% chance of creating a boy.