Wife not attracted to me

If I could I'd give this post a 100 likes, especially the bits in bold. That's so much about me and my husband. Seeing that it worked for you makes me hopeful that it might work for us too.

 

You a lot a of good advice, for mine witch is a lot vanilla I mainly do all the things she like the way she like.
I would say that she fall in love with me when I began chastity and FLR but I had to do it a way she likes.

I have explore her fantasy and in sex we only do her fantasy.
She don't like cross-dressing and so so I don't do it, after 3 years it began a few.
She was more focus on me taking care of the children, I do it so she feel happy and more free to have time for sex or her own pleasure.

I have to not bother her with my fantasy and do hers, do all what a slave do from myself before she turn on and jump into FLR after she see that I became a perfect house maid.

Be a perfect man that prevent all her need, it will help a lot to have a good view on you. After this you may have other reason, talk to her and explorer her desire.
As said upper, be a night, a perfect man that every girls should want. make her life easier.

 

Maybe it is better to postpone the chastity lifestyle. Right now it isn't her thing so no need to burden her with it.
Go back to the old relation and talk a lot. Maybe you find a new way that satisfies the both of you.

 

I understand - married 33 years and counting . Weight gain has created some lack of sex
My wife having foot surgeries and mono and Epstein bar - she been sick a lot over the last 4 years - sex has dried up - I self lock off and on for 15 years - she has not interest
In kh or chastity- she really just ignores it.
If she wants to get off she something ask me to help more often the she does it alone .
If I help she only focus on herself - no touching of me
It odd but I am never leaving her so I try to focus my energy getting off and use that to help me feel satisfied- I know weird but one must adapt in marriage.
She has mentioned if I need to find out help in my chastity it is ok as long as I never leave . So I have online kh - sometimes it feels like roommates - but I always hug her daily and kiss her and tuck her in at night -
We try to a date moment 2 a month depending on life schedule-
Hope this help someone

 

@zebra - It's a tough situation. I feel we were kind of like that (except the health problems - I'm very sorry to hear that) and I felt very indifferent towards the sexual side of things. Not because I didn't want any (because I did, very much so), but because I didn't feel my husband had any interest in me, nor did I see why he should. I had gained weight and wasn't seeing myself as particularly attractive. As a result, neither did he and we ended up being married roommates.

Things are different now. Like you, we have all the joys of a busy life but we decided that once a month we'll do a day trip somewhere, just the two of us. My schedule is very busy but if I plan things out I can make it happen.

And sometimes sex isn't as important as being told how good you look or receiving a gentle cuddle when you least expect it.

 

Good to see you two recovered.
Does your sub get regular maintenance to keep you feeling on top+how are the two of you managing the sexual urges+and kink urges (or is that the monthly trip?)

Me and my KH are engaged but still trying to figure this mood out before marriage to keep everyone happy- if we know theres issues sexually we want to try to give our best to solve before that. Shes a strong woman and will often take care of herself and I do to, but we dont talk about it. We are open about our sex together but not on our 'own'. Dont want her to lose attraction as husband and sub long term because sometimes I forget about her as my lady before my femmedomme when craving short term. Love her cuddles but that wouldnt be enough long term (permanant chastity isnt our interest) and im scared it may get there if we keep drifting }:/

 

We're still in early stages of restarting this side of our relationship so it's pretty much a weekly thing. Sometimes we have a night together; sometimes we don't. We don't do 'maintenance' per se, just kind of switch it on when we're cuddling and take it from there. Monthly trips are a chance for us to be properly together, enjoy each other's company and just unwind.

I've got a high-power job and some days I exercise my power that way, then come home and tell him about wreaking havoc on the world - and I think he enjoys seeing me like that. Sometimes I take that further and we end up cuddling; sometimes it's a foot rub or a back rub. Some nights I'm a Domme with a capital 'hell yeah!' and some nights I just want a hug. And my husband recognises and accepts both sides and provides what I need - is that him being a sub? He'd probably disagree but his behaviour says otherwise.

I think the main drive here is meeting each other halfway and not worry too much about the dynamic always being there. As people keep saying here, there are no set rules - things work differently for everyone. I have no idea what our dynamic will be like six months from now but at the moment we're enjoying it a lot.

 

Thank you for sharing -

 

I'm going to state the obvious here... You expect her to join you on your fantasy...

Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you should join her on her fantasy? That is truly what FLR is about.

Men are so far sexually separated from women because of porn. Our fantasies are about crazy stuff. Meanwhile she is fantasizing about you... The normal, real you... Maybe you should be the best you that you can be and realize that the only thing that is important is your relationship with your wife... And none of this ... Chastity or anything else really matter...

First seek to understand and then to be understood.... Listening to her is the most important thing you can do.

 

I have the same issue...

 

110% agree I also am very careful when choosing words as the idea of a slave is a complete turn off. My husband is strong and confident, loving and affectionate. The words we use to describe our role and our partners is pivotal. We have all got preconceived ideas about the words we use and sometimes can not get past our bias. If she won't communicate give her space. Pay attention to her ques. Notice what she likes and dislikes. Try and give her what she needs without the labels. Try again to communicate about what she wants down the road when things settle. You may find like us you both want the same thing your vernacular is just different.

 

Well said

 

I agree. You can find some kink-friendly therapists:

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory/

 

Wow. What can I say? You have nailed it.

 

Well, clearly things weren't going great and you didn't pick up on it. This definitely raises questions of sexual compatibility. It sounds like she didn't fully know about you until after you were married, which might constitute a "bad surprise" for her.

My wife and I have secondary partners. That's how we solved our kink misalignment. Its tricky to make that jump.

 

Very interesting reading,

 

I re-read through all of your posts here and... There are a few things to consider. You talk about you and what you want, what you crave, what you need... But (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) realize that none of us on here are counselors and that is what you need... a marriage councilor.

Also... If the councilor does any research (especially on FLR) they are going to say, "Interesting, so a Female Led Relationship lets your wife decide what is or is not going to happen... So why aren't you listening to her?"

Here I'll help you out... She said, "when it comes to being a slave it makes me think you are weak and I am not attracted to that at all. I am attracted to confident, clean cut, put together, intelligent, kind man"

So be a confident, clean cut, put together, intelligent, kind of man...

First.... Don't wear a chastity device - Use the honor system. Learn how to keep your hands off your tally whacker!

Come home from work, ask her how her day was (Don't tell her about yours she doesn't need that stress).
Make sure there is no TV on so you have to talk to each other.
Start a load of laundry, get dinner going, clean up after yourself as you cook.
Give her a kiss on the cheek before she gets up from the table. Clear her plate.
Get the kids in the shower. While they are showering, do the dishes. (I don't know how old they are so I don't know how much work they are) I was Mr. Mom too so mine are all pre-teen now and don't need much work.
Make sure the house is spotless. All the clothes are picked up, the kitchen is clean and the kids are headed to bed.
Pack a gym bag and give her a kiss on the cheek on the way out the door.
When she asks where you are going, Say, "I'm hitting the gym. Do you want to come?"

Shave every day. If you have a beard.... Freaking shave it... She said, "Clean cut"

This weekend... Go to a hair stylist - not a barber. Buy some product. Go shopping. Stop wearing t-shirts. Start wearing polo shirts or button up shirts with no tie. STOP LOOKING LIKE A SLOB... YOUR WIFE WANTS YOU TO LOOK MANLY AND STYLISH.

Call your baby sitter. Schedule them for Friday Night. Go out on a date with your wife that she didn't have to plan. It doesn't take much to make them wet... Just a little attention and actually listening to them when they tell you exactly what they want... Ask her to tell you that funny story about when she was a kid... Or about the most exciting time she had when she was in college... Don't talk about anything that has happened while you were married.... And definitely don't talk about what you like... She doesn't want to be reminded of any of the baggage you bring to the relationship.

Yes, I said it. YOU are the reason she's unhappy... So start fixing that by being a good listener and learn how to make other people happy during a conversation. Here is a good one for you... YOU ARE THE REASON YOU ARE UNHAPPY TOO.

If you want to know what a Female Led Relationship is... Look it up... It is when the Female Leads the Relationship... and that starts when the male begins to listen to the female... She told you exactly what to do... Now stop farting around and do it.

Yes... It's a lot of work... But you do it because she is in charge and she told you what she wants.... Otherwise you are topping from the bottom because you want her to make you wear a chastity device and whip you with a bamboo stick... and you are actually just self gratifying... And it isn't a FLR.

If you don't want to do any of this, then good luck. Sometimes living alone can also have it's rewards...

 

@macmagna,

 

Well said

 

Wow!!!! You're a fucking rockstar! Your woman is very lucky

 

Thanks @MrsBR_Saiph . This site really needs to have a beginners guide, because every man who ends up here did so because they whacked off 4 times a day to the craziest stuff on the internet they could find until they got to chastity... Then they think: I want to try that... No, wait, I want to see what it's like to live it... And my wife is going to love it... She has to love it...

But she just wants to go on long walks on the beach, and hold hands, and have a nice night out followed by good conversation and understanding, maybe a little snuggle.

This isn't her dream. In fact it may be her nightmare... If it is and we aren't listening then we may damage the most valuable thing in our lives... Our relationship with our significant other.

I think that often times we men could learn a lot if we just stopped and listened.

 

@macmagna, I can't give your message enough likes. Often men who want to be subs have the scenario plotted out down to the last bra hook and expect their woman to pick it up effortlessly, as if she's living in their head. And that almost never works because the woman has a different scenario in mind that doesn't involve racks, gags or red hot pokers in orifices. And then the man goes crying, 'she doesn't understand/want/appreciate me, I'll go looking for solace elsewhere'. If chastity and all that comes with it is really for the woman's benefit she needs to have a material say in how it's practiced. If it's solely to get the man's rocks off regardless of how the woman feels about it then it's not for her benefit. You can't ride both horses at the same time.

 

I saw a lot of myself in these posts. When I introduced chastity into our marriage ...well, let's say that my focus was a lot more on myself than on her.

It's been a journey. No, it is a continuing journey of self discovery to not have my focus on making my dick happy. Or, even with my dick locked, using my locked condition as a source of self pleasure.

 

You are a wise man