When is findomme ok? If ever?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Peaches, Sep 19, 2021.

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  1. Peaches
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    Peaches "kinky guy"

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    Findomme seems to be a heated issue. So many scammers out there taking advantage of trusting people.

    I get the concept of pay to play. I personally am a small business owner. I provide a service, a contract of types is established before services rendered and I expect payment once services have been satisfactorily rendered.

    Can findomme be practiced ethically? The domme provides a valuable service and is reasonably compensated?

    Goddess has approached me about helping her connect with people who want to better themselves through chastity. People that want to lose weight, stop smoking, cut down in masturbation, etc. She also wants to help people having issues with chastity devices, people that want longer term lock ups but are having trouble finding the right device. There are many people that are willing to help out there but some help seekers are lazy and don't want to put in the work. That's where a paid service would come in.

    Do you think this type of findomme is more acceptable? Where the person paying is actually getting something tangible out of the arrangement, not just some rando hiding behind a screen call them a slave?

    I like the idea. I want to help her. But I want to make sure I'm not contributing to the findomme stigma.
     
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  2. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Active member

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    I think it could work. Would strongly suggest careful/secure accounts and phone (if used) that could be shut down if needed. I would worry about creeps that think that paying for something, or receiving attention from someone, entitles them to more than mutually agreed.

    The clearer you can be up front about how much for exactly what (and NO more) the happier all involved will be me thinks.
     
  3. sonhee
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    sonhee Active member

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    My opinion is that findom is disgusting, it's exploitation, and men who are into it should really think whether it's worth it. I am not against prostitution (paying for a service) but I don't think that's what findom means?
     
  4. Peaches
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    Peaches "kinky guy"

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    Good point!

    What exactly is findomme? Maybe what goddess wants to do isn't findomme?

    My thought was any time you charge money to dominate someone it would fall under findomme.

    I guess I saw it that way because that's how many online communities view it.
     
  5. Nicole Smith
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    Nicole Smith Snarky Trans Girly Seeking Keyholder

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    You know a lot of these "goddesses" look an awful lot like trashy strippers. Maybe that's why they need your money.
     
  6. enslavedbyc
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    enslavedbyc Junior Member

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    What your describing is a Pro Domme not a findomme.
     
  7. Guest 8927
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    Guest 8927 Active member

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    As with anything else in sex work, it's only as good as the person who offers it.

    At the core of a pay for sex deal, are the two parties interested in successfully fulfilling an agreement. If one of the parties involved fails, the deal is a failure.

    As the payer I would encourage very frank discussion, and a bit by bit, breaking down of the expectations in play. Vis a vis, what are you getting vs. what does it cost?

    If the payee does not deliver, obviously, the rest seems a rip off.

    My point is that as long as you get an honest sex worker to work through it, everything else works well. Yes, there are a lot of them.

    Stormy Daniels is purported to have charged 250000 dollars for a planned event with her, and do you know what you never hear about?

    Stormy not delivering on her end of the bargain.
     
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  8. Turma
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    Turma Member

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    Financial domination, dominatrix, studios, etc.

    It does not matter how it goes, in the end you buy a prostitute.

    When you go to a studio, so really real life, with lots of equipment, team, etc. you pay for a service and expect to find a person who applies this service with experience and skill.

    You have fantasies and talk about them with a person who understands this and also in the best case knows exactly what to do with these fantasies and how to decorate them and make them "beautiful".

    For this service you pay, but you pay for the fact that your fantasies become reality.

    Is this submission and devotion?

    When my wife arrived and told me that you find it totally cool, if I should endure pain during sex, what I was first perplexed.

    But I love you, so I was willing to try that for you and the first time was terrible!

    The spikes caused a bleeding penis, the pain was absolutely not conducive and she was horny without end ignored my signals and wanted to be driven by the strapon to orgasm.

    I held out, I didn't use Safe Word, and we made some changes after that. But that's how it is when you don't approach the subject with a professional, you feel your way forward together.

    With a professional you could have avoided this beforehand, because the person you pay has his experience and knows where you have to draw the line or where you can "test" how far you can go.

    That's what you pay for!

    But if you say before: "Nope, no pain! I want to be locked up but not longer than 1 -2 weeks and times anal sex", then you get that so provided.

    We have also discussed this once in the conversation of our BDSM group(Real), with present professional Dominas.

    Ultimately, these feel as a service provider.

    You have a list of things you want to experience, they make it happen and put a price tag on those things.

    Now there are certainly people who want to provide the service without being professionals.

    Where prices are moderate and you give so to speak only a "pocket money" as a "thank you".

    I feel that is still appropriate, this person must spend time for you under all circumstances and possibly also be there if he does not feel so good or does not have the desire.

    Nevertheless, there is always the danger that you will only find a person who does this because of the money and not because of the pleasure of the game and also of "you".

    Coming back to your post, yes chastity can be used to bring about a change in behavior.

    To do this with a professional will probably be very expensive and I think hardly bring the desired success.

    In a FLR relationship it works!

    In an amateur long distance relationship I can not judge, but imagine it difficult because the direct control is omitted.

    In a construct where you see each other several times a day, as a circle of friends, etc., it will also work.

    Nevertheless, "bad" habits off is questionable about the factor chastity or session.

    There the request of the mistress should be enough to reconsider his actions and then from himself you should say: "She doesn't want it, so I should change it!"

    And if it is difficult, you ask for help and help can also be when the mistress and wife goes to the meeting and you hear how to get rid of smoking, for example!
     
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  9. Perverspepere
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    Perverspepere Member

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    The moment you pay for a "service" it's no longer submission. Client runs the show. No pay no play.

    I can imagine a financial domination dynamic in a couple but that's not kinky, it's relationship.

    Any trade for a spanking is ok but is not submission.
     
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  10. sashasproperty
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    It’s simply a value exchange. If both parties enter the agreement with their eyes wide open, agree to the conditions, and fulfill their various obligations, then (provided no actual laws were broken) why does a third party’s opinions matter?

    Collapsing a judgment of the people who are into this fetish with the fetish itself is a bit rich coming from members of a chastity forum…you are not your fetish - and neither are others.

    I’m confident that there are many layers and contexts involved, just as one may try to explain the enjoyment and reward of chastity to someone who is judging it.

    As with anything, people may feel/get scammed when entering into an agreement they don’t understand. There are always shady operators and it pays to be astute, diligent, and accepting of some risk.

    That goes for anything in life!

    If you don’t want to give your money to findom, then don’t give your money to a findom.

    Maybe I’m blind to something or don’t subscribe to the moral outrage bandwagon, but it doesn’t seem that complicated. ‍♂️
     
  11. Nicole Smith
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    Nicole Smith Snarky Trans Girly Seeking Keyholder

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    If anybody wants to pay me to hold their keys or whatever, by all means. Lord knows I could use the extra money.

    If you're trans like I am and find chastity helps you (it helps me big time), I'd be more than happy to hold your hand along the way and be your emotional support. There's be some genuine empathy that you can't get from some pervy "daddy" who is jerking off to you or a sadistic dominatrix.

    If you're a guy who needs to be called a worm, I'll make it more of a "Don Rickles Experience" where you're paying me to vent some playful clever snark at you (i.e. entertainment).

    Nicole
     
  12. Lady elizabeths sub
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    My mistress goes the the approach of a flat rate per week depending how much communication and how many tasks her sub/customer requires/wishes. The rate never changes everyone knows where they stand. The sub/customer gets what they wish and my mistress has her time/effort compensated for.

    In my eyes it is paying for a service, i think finnedomme is where you get lured in amd pay ranging amounts and there are unexpected (give me money now) moments. where does it end once you embark on a path with somebody like that.
     
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  13. madams-sissysub
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    I think your getting your wires crossed, your describing pro Domme services, Findom is where you pay, or hand over money for nothing in return. Or for very little.
     
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  14. Lady elizabeths sub
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    That is what i have always thought but sometimes my mistress starts organizing a session amd sometimes gets the

    'woah im not into findom' as soon as she mentions her fee/tribute, those are the people who have no concept of findom as opposed to paying for a service
     
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  15. Nicole Smith
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    Nicole Smith Snarky Trans Girly Seeking Keyholder

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    So like a subscription to OnlyFans.com :)
     
  16. madams-sissysub
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    i completely understand, my madam has had her fair share of these types, there after free Dom, not femdom!
    Findom is the act of paying for nothing, a pro Dom me and madam follow on Twitter does findom, and she has a coffee slave! Basicly every time she gets coffee when out she posts the receipt and this guy sends her the money via a cash app,
    All he gets is good job! Or well done, message and that’s it.
     
  17. Lazlo Toth
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    Lazlo Toth C/D on the TomAllen-Rectrix scale: 4/9

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    I feel precisely as you do. In ANY financial transaction, when I pay, I am in control.

    If I paid for a full-on cuckold/creampie/spanking/chastity/pegging session with all the trimmings, it would not be a tenth as erotic than if my wife whispered in my ear, "do you think he has a big cock?"
     
  18. SissyKayli
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    I can see how that seems like “paying for nothing”. I mean, I guess it sort of is. The person being dominated in this context has lost control over their money/finances. That turns them on. It’s definitely a dangerous line to cross, and I wouldn’t go anywhere near that with someone I just met online.

    I think it could probably be done right/safely - but it’s so heavily abused by online scammers that it’s just been ruined. If, for example, I gave my KH all my credit cards/debt cards/etc. and she in turn just gives me some weekly allowance and takes maybe some agreed upon fee (or not) - that’d be a form of finne domme right? Could even be good if you’re a habitual online shopper or something.
     
  19. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    some ones do a lot for men that pay money to them and i have seen what they get.
     
  20. Peaches
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    Peaches "kinky guy"

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    So the consensus is that prodomme and findomme are very different things that do get lumped into the same category at times due to lack of understanding or acceptance.

    I can see how once you pay it could no longer be submission. Maybe you are paying for a submissive "experience". Maybe someone just wants to put their feet in the water and not jump in the pool? If that's what they want and are willing to pay for that experience I'm not one to judge.
     
  21. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    I see how findomme works and I have no problem with it. Each person gets what they want, an exchange of power.

    The kink has been bastardised by people who aggressively demand money from the word go. FetLife is full of them.
     
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  22. Lady elizabeths sub
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    I get the if you pay you are in control and id feel the same way at the start, all things cab be set up at the start of your session though. Usually the key is in an emlalock session or posted. Normally a length of time is discussed eg 'i usually go for 1 week locked id like to push for 4' so if you pay for the 4 weeks you may get released or permitted an orgasm early on if your lucky or you might be pushed to the 4 weeks regardless of if you have paid, you cannot access the key, you are not in control any longer. If you get on your high horse and go 'well i paid i want out im in control.... I can guarantee you wont be coming out until the 4 weeks is up!

    You may have paid but that is for someonea time for so many weeks, by paying you are saying i want your control and attention for so many weeks both parties agree and start it doeant mean you can say 'hey i want it like this' if you think you can then that is a way of topping from the bottom in my opinion even if you are the customer. I think the usual 'the customer is always right' saying doesn't work in this case
     
  23. Headtrip
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    Headtrip Active member

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    @Peaches it does appear you are talking "pro" not "fin" domme, yes? In fact, it sounds to me like you are thinking even a step back from that, like "chastity consultant" so to speak?

    Imho, there would be a market for that (and ethics would be much less an issue), but the less your Goddess is actually participating in their fantasy the less many guys would want to pay. Its up to what your Goddess wants to do, of course. I would encourage her to start off simple and try it out, just please be careful - us guys can be creeps!
     
  24. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes Level-4 Sarcasm Master, PhD in Google, Ace Pedant.

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    Surely an arrangement between two consenting adults is of no concern to anyone else.

    Sex work has been around since the beginning of time.

    Judging it negatively is naive to the workings of nature - she has what he wants and he has what she wants.

    Seems like anequitable exchange for both of them and doesn't trouble anyone else.
     
  25. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes Level-4 Sarcasm Master, PhD in Google, Ace Pedant.

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    Sounds like the two of them have found a great way of interacting.
     
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