What do you submissive want?

Somone (A) empowers her (B) by doing something for her. But (A) wanted to do it. That by definition is not a sub if he wanted to do it anyway. If he had done it by going against what he really wanted to do because that's what his domme wanted then that's sub behaviour.

I'm not saying never take the sub's feelings should never be taken in to account. The majority of the time the dommes' feelings should take priority over the sub's feelings if the dommes feelings are different to the sub's.

 

You got a very unique definition of "Sub" and submission...
If doing something one does not like makes one a sub we have quite a lot submissives in the world....our kid who does not want to eat her spinach or everyone who does not want to go to work, but does it anyway...
I would advise to read the more common definitions of D/s throughout the web.

 

Facetious

 

Seems to me this thread has wandered off point. The OP (who is a dominant female in a relationship) asked

If @buildup reply is nothing, because I'm not submissive if I get what I want. That is fine for him and his dynamic. It is equally OK that @Shimone and @BunnyAthalus have a different dynamic that works for them. The point (at least of this thread) is to answer the OP's question for yourself as a submissive. Not engage in an argument over the definition of a submissive and who is walking the righteous path.

I think it does confuse the question a bit that the vote is are you getting what you need while the question is what do you want. Wants and needs are hugely different. There are times where I want to cum very badly. Do I need to? No. If we are going to delve into wants we open a Pandora's box of fantasy. I can write novels on what I want my wife to do, but none of it really falls into needs. What I need is my Mistress to remind me of our respective positions. To keep me chaste. Not just locked and forgotten, but to be actively denied. To demand and expect my obedience and service and express her disappointment when it doesn't meet expectations. To listen patiently to my requests for attention and then decide for herself whether or not I deserve them. Occasionally, when the mood strikes her, to surprise me with some activity that makes me feel like I am hers. Her chaste, sissy husband.

 

Sorry; but I'm going to have to disagree with some of your points because I can see contradictions:

You say: (1) "There are times where I want to cum very badly. Do I need to? No".

And: (2) "What I need is my Mistress to remind me of our respective positions. To keep me chaste".

Surely 1 is a need in the sense that it's a very strong male biological urge. However, you don't want to come because your kink is chastity.

Also 2, you don't need any of that; you want it again because chastity is your kink

 

I think you missed the more important point which is that we should be responding to the OP's question as opposed to bickering over who is and isn't submissive. You are correct I don't need those things as I really only need water, food and shelter. I need them to function as a submissive which is what the OP is asking. You are dead wrong on cumming though as I do want to and I don't need to.

 

I think these two nail it.

If I have done everything right, I know this doesn't sound very sub but I sometimes feel like I deserve "something" doesn't matter what it is so "sexual attention" sums it up very well.

More often than not I get the paddle, which works for both Mistress and I. But it doesn't really matter what it is, it could be a pegging. Funny Mistress sometimes asks me to massage her shoulders, which shoudl be a release but then while I like giving her pleasure it doesn't really serve as sexual attention HOWEVER when she puts an electric butt plug up my bum and then gets me to massage her shoulders while she zaps me...that works...

Of course the ultimate reward for doing everything right remains the same but thats the beginning of a new cycle.

 

Being submissive is an activity, like playing basketball. You are a sub if you act submissive, like you are a basketballer if you play basketball. Being dominant is an activity. You are a Dom when you act dominant.

It's more fun to play basketball with two people, but both players must adhere to the same rules in order for the game to meet each player's expectation of fun.

It is also the same that D/s is more fun with two people, but both people have to act or play their respective roles in accordance with mutually agreed expectations or one person will cry foul.

If your husband acts submissive but you don't act dominant, you are more like a coach or spectator to a basketballer shooting hoops. You have to act to be a Dom. But how and what? Here is where the mutually agreed expectations come in.

There is a rule book for basketball online you can learn the game very easy. There is no guidebook for d/s (there are some actually, but probably don't align perfectly to any one relationship). You have to sort it out with your partner.

He needs to be very specific with you about what he wants from the d/s game. Make him put it on the table so you can sort out fun from fantasy. And you need to be specific about what he can expect from you as his Dom after a long day at worke, etc...

Once you have clear expectations and both players can have sustained fun, the next step is for both players to get better at their role. Learn what it means to act submissive and learn what is means to act dominant. Challenge each other. And as always, enjoy.

 

First post here, and I have little to add to some excellent replies that have been given here.

Service is its own reward, a privilege. I find that I look forward to my wife asking or telling me to do something; I feel useful. It strokes the ego to know I'm useful. That's self-serving, though I may be doing something for her, because while she gets the task done for her, I get the privilege of doing the task for her. What the task is doesn't really matter, whether it's to build or repair something, or simply to do dishes or clean a floor. It would be work if someone else asked. I'd have to get paid if the employer asked. But for her, it's my privilege, something for which I feel grateful to be asked, and I think that's a key distinction.

If she were to punish me, whether it's a painful penalty or simply a reminder, what it says to me is "I care," and "you're important to me," and "I take you seriously." Just as to perform a chore is a gift, so is her "putting me in my place." It engenders feelings of gratitude and devotion. It might be a sexual act, or it might be entirely plutonic in nature, but the fact that she directs it, and expects it makes it uplifting, empowering, and worthy of thankfulness.

I was working in Vietnam, far from home, when my wife and I agreed that chastity would be the rule. I can't describe how it felt, other than to say I felt like a thousand Christmas's had come early. It was a big deal. From a male perspective, at least mine, it's an incredible gift when my wife accepts control, and even more if she assigns something she wants, or if she imposes a discipline, punishment, or does something to formalize that dynamic. It might be as simple as kissing her feet. It might be standing in the corner. It might be anything she chooses, but the mere fact that she chooses it and that it's expected is its own reward, every bit as much as the chore she may have assigned.

A woman who understands that a man craves her direction, even discipline, might find a little imperfection in the work he has done, for no other reason than an excuse to correct him, because she knows he wants it. He can't really ask for it, but he needs it, and he needs her to correct him. It has to come from her, and she needs to know that he loves her all the more for applying the correction. He wants her to put him in his place, because when she does, it's an act of love and it's a privilege for him: she has chosen the place and given him the command to be there.

As the woman in our life, don't hold back. Just know what the need will always be there.

 

Welcome @HusbandX, hope you'll post an Introduction and share more of your experience.

 

I don't think it's that simple. The OP's question is an oxymoron. It's rather like asking:
As a black member of the Klu Klux Clan do you feel appreciated?

I don't think I'm dead wrong on cumming. I hardly think you can reduce it to just a want; but I don't need to. The desire to ejaculate is not something that's learnt. Quite the opposite, it's is such a primal urge that all functioning, healthy, pubescent males experience. Animals as well.

 

If he does 99 things perfectly.. he wants you to find the one thing he messed up,
Point it out, and punish him for it.
We want to be powerless, corrected often and harshly.
For some guys they crave CBT, for others, tease and denial.

 

i would like an erection and cum but she wont allow that

 

giggle. that what happen to folks on here.