"Topping from the bottom" - is it really something else....

I am often accused of topping from the bottom.
the truth is that my wife and i communicate. i tell her things i would like to try, she tells me what she likes.

to me topping from the bottom would be if i got everything together and then told her this is what we are going to do tonight.

IMO it's over used and generally used by the single man stuck in fantasy land, where they would be a mindless zombie in a D/s relationship. that sort of behaviour works well for a scene but not so much when you are going to be together for ever.

my wife and i play with BDSM and chastity, but we are still a married couple and communicate as such.

 

People are endlessly complicated. Even the most articulate can't describe every facet of what people do, or want, or think they want, in any given situation. This doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

I am by no means an expert on anything having to do with chastity. I also do not think that 'topping from the bottom' is always a bad thing. For me, to be precise, 'topping from the bottom' is trying to take a scene/meeting/whatever in a direction that the submissive wants to define, rather than the direction that the Dominant has planned out or is leading to. Is that always a bad thing? No. Sometimes the submissive has a better idea and the Dominant may choose to follow it.

However, if the submissive is always leading the meeting/etc. then they are usually denying themselves the full release of just abandoning themselves to the situation. (In most cases the submissives I have had a relationship with wanted the Dominant to lead them to a place they had some feeling for, but had never experienced.)

As always, one person's Nirvana is another's Hell.

Play on

 

This is a great post on the subject: http://passionandsoul.com/journal/top-bottom

 

I haven't read the posts yet, but I just wanted to jump straight in and thank you for asking this question. I have been struggling with how to ask my Wife for things that I might like while in a way that doesn't mean she ends up doing things she doesn't like. I think she has got to the stage where she would just say no to an idea that turned her off but this is a big worry for me. I actually want to help her find things that I like that she hasn't heard of or thought of doing that also turn her on so that we both get a memorable experience out of it.

Right, now I'm off to read the two shared posts, back in a bit...

 

First post read, love the blog and I'm reading more!!!

 

Personally, I strongly identify with the concept of a dominant bottom.

 

Great article.

 

I feel I've been very educated in this topic in the last 2 weeks and I've enjoyed reading everyone's input. This was something I struggled with when first starting chastity because I wanted to have similar experiences to those that I'd read about in other blogs and thread posts etc. For the first several months of my lockedness I would attempt to create scenes and scenarios that I found erotic that really only catered to my sexual tastes not thinking about what my mistress wanted and what she'd find erotic.

I'm lucky that my mistress didn't give in to me or when she did like a fantasy it was completely on her terms. I'm a much better sub because my mistress would put me in my place. Not through punishment but by simply calling me out and letting me know I was undermining her authority. I know this will sound stupid but I struggled with knowing the difference between creating a scenario for my pleasure and offering a suggestion for us trying something different. I now know the right thing to do for my mistress and I is to offer a suggestion to her and just leave it at that. She'll let me know if she's interested or she'll surprise me in the future.

I also agree with what others are saying in regards to there needs to be some compromise in the relationship for both partners to be happy. But that really depends on the level of sexuality of both partners. Because I've exposed myself to do much porn over the last decade and a half my sexual tastes are quite a bit harder than what my mistress is used too. So I think a lot of topping from the bottom is more or less very eager subs wanting to try things their partners aren't ready for. I've learned my lesson and realize how being pushy takes the fun out of the whole experience for the domme and it takes baby steps to be somewhere on the same plain.

 

I really want to thank you for pointing me in the direction of the notjustbitchy blog, it is a fantastic read. It has helped me come to a realization.

I have been approaching chastity for my own reasons, my own desires. Some of those intersect with my Wife's desires, but not all. I have not been using chastity to gain favor, the chores I do are not some humiliating quest to gain sexual favors but just to make my Wife happy. I do cuddle and have intelligent conversations. I massage her feet and give her face masks without any suggestion this is for a sexual response.

But somehow I have maneuvered my Wife into a situation where my desire to be denied orgasms has translated into her being denied some of the sex that she wants. She is getting lots of orgasms, but she isn't getting me making love with her. She wants this but feels like she cannot ask for it, as she knows that I want to be denied and she is trying to make me happy.

Luckily I have realised this is happening before it has become a problem, but I can see that it would eventually become one. I am away from home until Friday night but I will definitely be talking to my Wife about this issue on Saturday.

I know that she is happy me wearing my Holy Trainer because she has told me so, and got frustrated with me checking that she was still happy. I know that she wants me to carry on wearing it. Wearing the device serves a different function to her than just chastity. It hides my Penis from her and hides what I have done to it. She gets upset by this and the device fixes that problem and I fully expect to carry on wearing one. I know that she really enjoys my response to her caresses when I have not had an orgasm for several weeks and I fully expect that side of our sexual journey to continue.

We have to discuss in more detail what we both want out of my chastity and redefine the limits and expectations. I think she is in a better place to talk about this as we have done this for long enough now to know what it looks like and feels like.

I know this is not exactly answering the original question but I do feel that I have, through this thread, come to realize that I was very subtly influencing my Wife with my own desires. If this is considered topping from the bottom I would have to say guilty as charged. I really do want to do this from her perspective much more than my own, so we will see what we can do about that.

 

Just a couple thoughts Jasmic68 and you've probably already considered these options but perhaps you can suggest using a strapon on her so you are able to make love to her like you used too. Also if it is even possible and you are willing to do this but is it possible for you to have reconstructive surgery on your penis to repair what you have done?

 

With regards using a strap on I think this might be too much for my Wife. I am going to ask her what she thinks about it but she had a bad experience when I used a penis extender so I'm not sure she will want to try.

With regards to surgery, my Wife has said that what is done is done, and not to dwell on it. I did suggest I go to a doctor and see if anything could be done, but even if it could it would never be the same as it was before. This is why I think that I will continue to wear a chastity device even if my periods of denial become shorter. My Wife loves the metal devices and thinks I look sexy wearing one, so ironically wearing a chastity device might end up with me having more sex than before I wore one! I am getting close to my weight loss target so a Looker 2 is on the horizon, a device she chose as it will cover my glans up and serve the purpose she desires.

 

Communication between the two people that live this lifestyle is vital. I may snap back at jemima when she asks me something at the wrong moment but I always make time when its possible and listen to what she has to say. It has worked for us for almost 8 years now.
Lack of communication spells disaster.

 

Wow, so much thought to unpack here. This touches on so many points - how and why we define or label things, what roles are, what rules are, etc. I find a lot of parallels to the concepts of prescriptive vs descriptive grammar. I abhor prescriptive grammar about as much as I abhor allowing someone to prescribe the rules and boundaries of my chosen role (sub). Ridiculous, as is the following: "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." I, however, endeavor to boldly split infinitives as no man has split them before. But I digress.

I think a lot of "thinking" people do is lazy thinking, or perhaps more accurately, not thinking. And I think that a lot of the thought behind 'topping from the bottom' and similar concepts evolved from the notion of 'protocol.' Don't get me wrong, some people absolutely love to have a strict rule book to rigidly conform to. (see what I did there?) Some people need that structure or find it useful and I'm all for that. Some people find it useful to explore their sexuality through the prism of the alphabet soup (LGBTxxxxxx) and explore their roles within their relationships through studying how others do it. That's awesome.

In the situation @Mistress Jules described the phrase seems to make a lot of sense: you have a top and a bottom (sub) and roles seems to be clearly defined and expectations set. Then the sub doesn't accept their role but says or thinks they are. Based on the assumed roles and the expectations that follow, it seems that the sub should be acting subby but instead is acting toppy. They're not holding up their end of the bargain to submit to the top and thus, 'topping from the bottom.' We can envision the situation and the phrase makes sense.

But so often in life the roles aren't at all clearly defined, and then the definitions shift and change as we grow and evolve. The rules change or are discarded. The choice is to agonize about proper sentence structure, ahem I mean, how you're supposed to act according to the "Rules and Regulations of Proper BDSM Protocol", or say fuck it, I'll do it my way and have fun.

I suppose my point is, @SubVerity, that the phrase is useful if you know what top and bottom are defined as. If you know precisely what the rules are then you can say whether or not someone is breaking the rules, either in a manipulative way or an overt way. But the chances are that this is not the case and there is a deeper fault that should be examined. The proper and helpful way of doing that is not by lazily using a prescriptive phrase in accusation but through honest and open communication. And that's hard. Really hard.

But the phrase is easier. So let's stick with the phrase. Fuck it.

 

Haha, sorry, I was trying to be sarcastic with the last line there @SubVerity