Submissive or not Submissive?

This ends with a question I hope is as much fun as serious but I actually do have some concerns.

This is Missy. We are still writing letters to each other every week. Something started to concern me in not just his letters but in his blog and just how he treats our relationship. He never asks for or is concerned about anything for himself. It is always about my comfort or happiness. The only things I could find anywhere that he wanted for himself were he would like me to be more interested in doing science things with him and that he wants to be able to call me beautiful and that he enjoys the intercourse and does not want that to disappear. There are times I almost feel like he worships me and I really don’t deserve or want that status. These thoughts made me think about some of the things I had seen in a couple of blogs I read here and so I looked at several blogs and based on what I read I am wondering if he is actually naturally submissive. It doesn’t make sense that he would be. He runs his business with great confidence and does not seek any help. In our relationship, he is the one that makes it work. I would need a whole bottle of flavor to even reach vanilla let alone be called dominant. But I think about how happy he is when I am the “Take charge school teacher.” He wants me to arrange our social life because he is not comfortable doing that. And in our sex lives he settles for the little I am able to give him while he does everything he can to make me feel loved in my way.

I wrote this week’s letter last night and addressed all of this. I ended the letter by asking him if he actually wished he could be submissive to me. I gave him the letter before I went to work this morning. This has been an interesting evening. He doesn’t think he is submissive but he is not comfortable leading our relationship and he feels like he is doing exactly that. He pointed out how often he has to remind me that sex is always my choice and I never should feel bad about whatever decision I make and I never have to explain my choice. He feels very comfortable on the few occasions I take charge and say exactly what I want. He says it eliminates his anxiety and insecurity when I do that. He doesn’t worry about getting it wrong then.. He told me that he has trouble talking to people outside of business situations and it is hard to make new friends and he depends on me when we meet new people to guide him through. He said we wouldn’t have even dated if I hadn’t been so easy to talk to when we first met. He was all nerves that first night he took me to the coffee shop.

Hubby says he doesn’t worship me. He just thinks I am the most important thing in his world including his business. If he ever lost me he said it would destroy him. I promised him I would never leave. I love him too much.

We finally concluded that we need an FLR relationship of equals. Is that even a thing? He does not want to be railroaded or be a doormat with no rights but he wants me to be in charge. I am not sure that is possible, even if I were a strong woman. I know I can organize our social life and stay by his side at parties with strangers if we ever get back to that. What I can’t seem to do is be the loving wife he deserves. The woman who would take charge and make us both happy in the bedroom. You have heard the expression “The Halt Leading The Blind.” With my insecurity and messed up understanding of love, that is what we are. I don’t see anything changing and it breaks my heart that I can’t give him what he would love to have in our relationship. Why he loves me so much I don’t know.

When we finished talking I asked him, again if he thought he was at all submissive. He half joking said, “The only people he knows that would be able to tell us are on the CM site.” I laughed and asked him if he wanted me to ask them. And then he said, “Why don’t you write something and post it as a question. Maybe they can vote on it and decide if I am submissive or not.” Then he said it is just a label and doesn’t really matter as long as we are happy with our relationship. So I ask you all out there, all my imaginary friends, does any of this make sense? I know none of you can fix me or turn me into a dominate wife or change our dynamic and it probably doesn’t matter what we call it, but out of curiosity what qualifies as submissive? Thank you for listening. And I hope you all have some fun with this.

 

That actually might describe him. He says he doesn't worship me but maybe smitten.

 

I know we were mostly having a little fun when he had me start this thread. Maybe I just think and worry too much but I am still concerned, even frightened, that he really does need me to be the “school teacher” in the bedroom. What happens when a submissive does not have a dominant person to take charge and lead them. Is he building up stress without saying anything about it because he is afraid of hurting me? Or is this just that part of me that over thinks everything and makes mountains out of mole hills? Am I just getting in my own way again? I love him so much and I need somebody to tell me what I need to do.

 

She came in here for a few minutes this morning before going to work and I asked her what she was doing. She said she just had to add something to her last post and I could see it after she went to work. It breaks my heart a little. I tell her and tell her I am happy with what we are doing and I want her to enjoy it as much as I do but she still worries it is not enough.

Maybe if I put everything I have told her in black and white for her imaginary friends to read and hold me to, she will start to believe.

Missy, Maybe in some alternate universe you would be sexually aggressive and would want to ravish me every night. That is fantasy, not reality. We are doing what works for us in our world. Our chastity is not just about your control over my body. It is very much about giving you control of your mind and body. Back in the beginning, Jane told you not to make love because you are supposed to or to please me. It has to be because you want to. If on a Saturday night you are not up for sex for any reason and you just need me to make you feel loved, chastity is the tool that gives you the power to say so and helps me comply. Do not get me wrong, I cherish our Saturday nights. But making certain you feel safe, comfortable, secure, and most of all loved in our relationship is more important than any night of sex. It is my responsibility to get you in the mood and make you feel so loved you want to give your body to me freely. If I fail to do that it is on me, not you, and you should not feel like you have let me down. I will always know how much you love me.

If submissive is the word that best describes how much I love you then so be it. Call me submissive. It doesn’t matter what we call it as long as it doesn’t change the way we feel about each other and we continue to strive to grow our love every day.

 

Hubby.

Please do not reprimand me for loving you and wanting to give you everything you deserve. Think about us and where we would like to get during the day and we will talk when I get home from work. I want it ALL for us and I think you do to. Go for the gold not the bronze.

Missy

 

This is Missy writing but Hubby is standing next to me with his hankie in case I need it. LOL. He met me at the door with a big hug and kiss and said he wouldn’t start supper till after we talked. I went upstairs and changed into my comfy sweats and it took a little longer because I had to talk to Bear for a few minutes. I needed a little extra courage and to go over what I had to say.

I came down and I think Hubby thought this would be quick and easy. He had lots of new ways of saying it, but the tune was the same. My comfort comes before his sex and he loves me and doesn’t ever want to hurt me. I said yes, I loved the way I felt when he held me each night and how he made me relax and melt in his arms. That is a wonderful feeling and on Saturday nights it makes the sex we had okay. He looked like he had finally made me understand and I think he was about to kiss me and then go make supper. I pushed him back and wouldn’t let him kiss me.

I turned into the school teacher. Only this is the one your parents told you about that walked around with a ruler and smacked your hands if you did anything wrong. And I was about to seriously reprimand Hubby. We were not in the bedroom but I was about to change our bedroom atmosphere. I told him that he says he wants me to share the passion and the feeling he has when we have intercourse. I went on. “BUT DO YOU REALLY?” I didn’t give him time to answer. I said that he enjoys the sex and then he feels good a second time when he makes me melt. I only get to feel good once. That isn’t fair! I said I want it all! I want to share that passion! I don’t know how and I don’t know when I will figure this out but I want to feel that passion myself! “But if you make me settle for what we have now, if you won’t let me try, I will never know that feeling!” And then I just started to cry so hard. He held me and put my head on his shoulder. After a minute he said, “I am so sorry. I never thought of it that way. I just don’t ever want to hurt you. I hurt so bad when you are hurting.” I told him that anything that is worth anything comes with some pain. “If I am going to share your passion you have to be willing to share my pain! Will you share my pain?” He said, “Yes but it is so HARD to see you unhappy and hurting.” I said, “You know when it’s hard you can ask ME to hold YOU. It is a two way street.” I think he teared up a little too. We didn’t say another word. He just held me and pressed my head against his shoulder for at least 10 minutes while I just sobbed.

I think those tears were because I am scared. I am so frightened I won’t be able to do this and I want it so badly. Hubby is standing behind me and he just grabbed my shoulder because he can’t hold me and he doesn’t know what to do or say.. He didn’t know about being scared till just now. He doesn’t know how to fix it. And he can’t fix it. He needs to know that when he quietly held me the whole time I cried he made it alright to be scared. When I get up from here were going to need to hold each other. Sort of a make-up hug.

So back to where we were, when I finally stopped crying I said, “We need to go write about tonight and put an end to this whole submissive thing. I’m sorry I ever brought it up. All it did was make us fight.” Hubby said, “No, I’m glad you did. Remember when we fight it means we still care. I have never felt so close to you as I do right now.” That started the water works again but this time they were happy tears and only lasted a minute. But I am still scared.

So this will be our last post on this thread and I want to thank all of you that took the time to reply. I believe those thoughts helped guide us in our on-line argument and to where we are now. Which is probably where I should have started in the first place instead of worrying about all the things that don’t really matter. I think we are back on track. Hubby just said we are going North South instead of East West. I think that is some kind of football analogy.

It is too late to make supper so I’m going to have Hubby order a pizza. Good night all and safe travels.