Just logged back in after a long period of absence and I see almost everything has changed! As yet I need to find my way around again properly but I like the new colour scheme. Quick update of the end of last year, my wife and I where 'playing' again (ie. I was locked up). It wasn't very long and as we approached Christmas life got more stressful and I got even less attention than normal. Because I've got a HT2, and because I wife wanted to use a cable-tie rather than the lock (she was worried about losing the key or I'd need to take it off in an emergency), I found that it was more of an 'honour' system. I'd suggested we use cable-ties with the little tags on onto which she could write something. This started off well but my wife ended up losing interest in writing on them. Add to that that I recon I could pull-back out of it in the shower just made me feel bitter and resentful. I was doing this and putting a lot of effort in for absolutely nothing back. This got to the point that I took it off and waited how long it would take before I was asked if I was still had it on. It was a while. We hadn’t 'played' since. We had a chat the other night and I've now got the HT2 back on, this time with the key lock. I explained that it needed to be properly 'secure' for it to work for me. If I actually can't take it off, I have to push-through any low periods as I really am at her mercy. I also need proper consequences, which haven't existed before. Last night we said we’d discuss these more tonight but my offer to propose some was turned down. I’m more than happy with that, in fact, that’s perfect. I just my wife’s proposals aren’t too trivial for me. I've also bought a new cheap cage of ebay, it’s a 3D printed resin one and comes with a removable PA hook. It looks more secure than my HT2 but I also want to put the idea forward that we take the next step! I would be happier person if I has very many less orgasms (currently something like 90% on my own) but a better sex life. I'm sure you will know what I mean!
Just rereading my last post, it sounds very "me, me, me...". But it’s hard to write a balanced update as feelings don't always reflect the truth. There are always two sides to every argument. As I've written before, we've been together for around 14 years, married 7 years and have two young children and busy lives. 'Us' and 'our time' always seems to be the bit that gets sacrificed for the 'bigger picture'. Which is funny really, as if it wasn't for 'us' there would be no 'bigger picture' so ultimately it's self-defeating. Basically, my sex drive is probably about 10 more than my wife’s. Very common I suspect. The standard scenario is I try hard to spark interest with anything from making jokes to trying to be romantic and sometimes being outright suggestive. I always get met with rolling of eyes and a knock back. When we do have sex it normally feels like my wife has 'put out'. However very occasionally it doesn't and is like night and day in terms of enjoyment for us both. The new cage arrived yesterday and after much asking, ‘we’ eventually opened it at 10pm but it was like trying to show a cat something. Almost no interest. So we had a chat. I asked her to be honest. She said she didn’t like playing, it didn’t do anything for her, she didn’t like seeing me wearing it and she didn’t even like touching it but had been doing it as I’d asked her to. Ouch. I said it was time for me to be honest too. I said about my high(er) sex drive and how much it hurt to be knocked every time back but stressed I understood the reasoning and didn’t blame her. I don’t think my wife had understood how much this affects me. I said I then would ‘sort things out myself’ and that ultimately that just made me feel bitter not to mention how unsatisfying it was. I also said that I would do this at times just so I wouldn’t put pressure on her for sex for the following day or two. I put two options forward that I could think of then and there. First, we stopped playing as she didn’t like it and we went back to how things have been and I wouldn’t mention it ever again. It would be an experiment that didn’t work. There would be no pressure on my wife to play or do anything she didn’t want to. Second, was I would be kept locked up long term in a properly secure cage that didn’t need removal for cleaning. I said I would happy have only have an orgasm once every few months in exchange for a happier and better sex life without her feeling pressured or me bitter and unsatisfied. But if we did this, and I don’t seem to be able to escape from putting some element of pressure on my wife, I couldn’t be forgotten about week after week. I would need some interaction, but it could be 100% on her terms. I said that feeling like I was forgotten about was the worst punishment possible. We agreed to talk more this morning but, as usual, life has got in the way and we only had time for my wife to say that option 3 could be we just had sex more often. I’d love to believe that was realistic.
Very difficult situation that many of us with vanilla wives have struggled with. Good luck, hope she can meet you halfway.
I’m not saying you two fit into this category but...there is a common misconception of the old “my wife never wants sex”. I think the majority still do. They just aren’t in the mood to interact like that when other things are on their mind. It doesn’t have to be big things, or even being mad, little annoying things do the trick just fine, and have found that they don’t always say what’s bothering them. They stew and withdraw. My advice for more sex...stop worrying about sex and work on any of the little things that might be getting her mind off of it. Whether that’s helping with the home, kids, doing things you said you were going to do, finishing a project as promised, going to events you don’t want to go to(and not acting like you hate it when u go), making time to chit chat(about her day and her issues, no advice just listen), and all around being a super guy. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, it’s easier said than done, and you may have already given it a go. I guess what I’m saying is this time do it with no expectations of reward or reciprocation, and after she starts thinking about and having more sex...don’t quit the other stuff as mission accomplished. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents after hearing her reply of just having more sex. She’s willing, but something seems to stop the action. Good luck
I knew what you mean, like last night my wife suddenly desided she had to do a online food shop at 9:15. But I'd made the effort to finish working outside at 8:30 and then sat through 45mins of terrible TV pretending to enjoy it! :-/
Personally I think one of the biggest mistakes that guys make is the speed at which they expect females to go from zero to feeling sexy. For many females there needs to be a lead in, some romancing, some getting into the mood. Using the above post as an example of a very typical evening for many, let's ask a couple of questions. Throughout the day had there been any romancing? Any kisses on the cheek, squeezing of her hand, telling her she was doing great? Something to let her know that you still found her desirable? The other question is - If she hadn't done the online shopping last night, when would she have done it? This morning when there was probably a whole lot of other things demanding her attention? If she had waited maybe she wouldn't have gotten the groceries delivered the day she wanted them. Maybe this was her trying to get something out of the way to make life easier in the days ahead. I guess what I am trying to say is that many ladies need to feel there is more to sex than scratching an itch. If you are locked and you want her to look after the key, tease you etc. you need to go slowly. If you are presenting her with a locked cock looking for attention whilst she is having some time to herself in the shower, cooking the dinner, looking after the kids or getting the first 10 minutes to herself after a day of rushing about, it is not going to be appreciated. That is why chastity can ultimately be such a success in a relationship. It takes time but when you realise that it's not about how often your are teased or played with but more how much attention you can give to your partner then you will succeed. For many women, the ultimate sexual fantasy is to be cherished and cared for as a person, not as a sexual object to fulfil fantasies.
@Anonoman - I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, but for a longer period of time. We have been married nearly 30 years, and my sex drive has always been 10X (100X?) what hers is... The difference is that, having married later (I was 35) my physical ability to perform is receding. I can still make love to her, but staying power and a rock hard erection comes only with help these days. I have never been unfaithful, which to me means having sex with another human being, not jacking-off or looking at porn, as self-pleasure has been my only relief, outside of the few times a year she wants sex. I stumbled upon chastity, and this website a little over a year ago. Perhaps it's the answer? Get my dick out of my hands, put her in control, and remove the pressure of me constantly having to guess when she might care to have a little sexual pleasure with me. I have worked hard to communicate that I would like a more "mutually satisfying" sex life with my lovely bride. Outside of that, we have a wonderful marriage, and I treat her like a queen - she, and anyone who knows us, knows that. She lacks nothing. We have both worked hard for that. Cars, houses, money in the bank, etc. No issue. The lack of sex was blamed on many things over the years (too busy, work stress, smoking, too much drinking, having a child, too much business travel, etc.) and I made many, many personal changes to be a better person, husband and father. At the end of the day, sex just isn't a big deal for her - and probably never will be. When you realize that, it's a real mental challenge. When it finally hit me, it was blood-chilling, and I was bitter, angry, and resentful. Do I blow-up an otherwise solid relationship because of a silly, selfish thing like wanting, needing, craving, a better and more fulfilling sex life before it's too late; doddering behind my walker, remembering what once was? I finally confronted her about the situation while on vacation. No talk about chastity yet, but confronting her with the huge disparity, and how disappointing it has been for me. I told her that, as I ticked-off all the reasons (excuses?) about why we don't make love more often, that I am beyond disappointed with the situation, that I don't believe it will ever change, and that I have "wasted the best years of my life with her, when it comes to sexual intimacy, and that 'too late to fix it' is quickly approaching.'" As you might imagine, she was shocked, hurt and angry. But, since she never thought about sex, she just assumes no one else does either. When I told her I have had an orgasm a day since I was 16 (she's known me since I was 23) I think she realized how many of them she may have participated in. I told my wife that I wanted more - and I wanted it to be with her. I waste an inordinate amount of time and energy masturbating, and that I would rather have fewer orgasms - but have the ones that I do have with her - and her only. She knows I haven't been unfaithful. A couple days later, laying by the pool and a few Piña coladas into the afternoon, she decided how many Sildenafil (generic "Viagra" where 3 to 5 tablets is an effective dose) to feed me - starting with three, changing her mind, and giving me two more. "I like deciding how hard I want you!" She then fucked my brains out for hours. Oral, anal, 69, and more orgasms than I could count. Seriously, I cannot remember if it was four or five for me, and more than a few for her. That was 22-May. We haven't had sex since. "Life" has reclaimed my sex life. Net, net - I think she proved she had it in her. I still think chastity is the answer - and I have to figure out the timing and conversation strategy. I don't want to break-up my marriage. But my advice to you @Anonoman is to openly, clearly and passionately have another conversation with your wife as soon as the timing is right. Get away from the kids. Let her know how important this is to you. Don't waste 30-years, then seek a solution outside of self-pleasure. I don't know how my journey will turn out, perhaps my wife truly just doesn't need sex, let alone some form of kink - in which case, I will continue to satisfy myself, but guilt-free. Fix it now, my friend - it won't get better with time if you keep it bottled-up. It feels trite to say it again, but continue to COMMUNICATE, and be careful what you wish for! -- Giveitup
That's true, and it says it all about this, and other situations like it. Consider yourself lucky that @Mistress Jules provided you with such valuable advise for free... Follow it--it might even save your relationship.
This is a great place to vent frustrations and voice concerns though, and hope your situation improves with some empathy, genuine effort, and withdrawal of expectations. I am sure she will recognize and come around to feeling intimate.
Thanks for all the replies, yes it is a great place to vent frustrations and, as I know others here as well do, putting things down into words and re-reading them really helps the understanding. For example: My level of frustration took a new level as I'd put a lot of effort in leading up to this and over some time. Not talking about sex specifically, but to gain intimacy, I'm always suggesting to leave mobile phones down stairs (or at least not in the bed room) or just turn them off, not to check for social media messages after 9pm etc. To make time to be together and talk. I followed on our conversation with a proposal of the following rules: 1) There are no rules. I will do as you say: a. I will do anything you ask, whenever you ask. b. I will accept being locked up and it will be entirely at your discursion. c. I will accept any corrective actions you wish to impose, in any form and for any reason you give. 2) I reserve the right to use a ‘safe-word’ which means I want to talk about how I’m feeling however it is still at your discursion if you unlock me. 3) I shall abide by the above rules above until the end of 2017. My wife was quite surprised how simple they were. I replied that when we had been ‘playing’ it was just that, a game. Therefore we had written the rules to be more complicated and encourage interaction. This would be different. The problem is, it has to be secure for me. My wife asked if I could cheat with the new cage and if I could try in the shower. Yep, I could pull it straight out. :-(
Ball-trap chastity cages without a PA/insert are totally useless--males escape easily from them. Only a few devices do the job properly, such as the Neosteel Arch/Fun. Without such a real chastity device, it's all make-believe--Ladies, beware.
Any device can be escaped from. I share your frustration that pull-out is too easy without a piercing. However, if you make a pledge to your keyholder that you won't pull out under any circumstances.. That works just as well as a piercing. And it is way hotter for the keyholder anyway. You are following her instructions and being honest with her. It is about her pleasure anyway.. Not yours.