Rekindling the FLR through Chastity

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by subiam, Aug 24, 2018.

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  1. subiam
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    subiam Member

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    As I described in my introduction message, my wife and I have had some form of a D/s relationship since we were dating, which has been 21 years. I also indicated that the past couple of years have been disruptive and challenging, which has really not left time or energy for chastity or FLR.

    About 3 years ago we hit a low point and entered couple's therapy with a therapist who practices EFT - Emotionally Focused Therapy. This has been a transforming experience for us as it helped us become aware of our emotional triggers, identifying when we are dis-regulated and entering a cycle. As a consequence, we now feel like we have the tools to work through our conflicts and talk open and honestly about what is going on internally and between us.

    Another complication is that my wife has been para-menopause for many years and is now in full menopause, which creates its own complications but that is just the course of life.

    We certainly have not figured everything out by a long shot but two days ago I decided we were happiest when I was locked and focused on making her happy. I initially thought I would lock myself and try to keep it hidden so I would have the attitude adjustment without setting any expectations on her. That lasted for about 24 hours. The following morning I was spooning her and did not realize the cage was touching her and she thought I had an erection.

    At that point I confessed and she asked me why, since it had been many months since I wore any of my cages. I explained my reasoning and she said "I should have known" and then described how I had been more attentive and supportive over the last day.

    We went about our day and I picked her up after work to go to dinner. We ended up have a very good conversation and are trying to figure out how to make it work. She definitely likes the arrangement as long as I don't get obsessed or resentful when I feel like my needs have been ignored for too long. I'm working on that.

    Previously, we had kept a key out so I could unlock myself when needed (and for while so I could sleep undisturbed at night) and she noted that I "always had a key hidden away." So, I asked her if she wanted both keys and she said "yes." The keys were in the car, so when we left to drive home, I gave her the keys.

    I am now fully locked with no access to the keys. I also have no idea when I will be released or what I must do to be allowed a release or to have an orgasm. I imagine we'll be working on that over time, as long as I don't get too obsessed with getting an answer from her. That's been the hardest part in the past, navigating the space between us so I understand the parameters of our relationship and can manage my expectations without annoying her. I imagine this might be fairly common with some couples.

    My goal is to refocus my attention and my sexual energy into serving her to the best of my ability. That's what it should be about anyway. The challenge is that wearing the chastity device puts me into a hyper-sexual state, which can be annoying to her if not managed.

    I've enjoyed this forum and appreciate the posts I've been reading and some of them have helped me reframe my thinking, especially those posts from the women. Hearing the thoughts and perspectives of the women helps me get out of my head and think more about my wife and her needs.

    I hope to update this thread as things progress. I also hope it might provide an outlet for me to express some of those thoughts, which might tend to energize me to a level that she and I are out of balance...if that makes sense to you.

    Anyway, as you can imagine, snapping on the chastity device is not the end of the process, it's just the beginning. We seem to be fairly close to being in sync and committed to trying to make our re-commitment to FLR and chastity work for us. Hopefully, I won't screw it up and I would appreciate whatever support this forum can provide.

    Thanks.
     
  2. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Active member

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    I hope it works out for the both of you. Well done.
     
  3. subiam
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    subiam Member

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    Just a quick update. We've been away in Monterey, CA for the Concours and Classic Car races with another couple. So far things are going well. I seem to be managing to keep my impulses in check and my wife appears to be enjoying the clarity that what she says goes and that there will be no sexual demands on her until she is ready. She is also enjoying the my attentiveness to her needs, which (I must confess), has waned over the last year due to stresses at work and the disruption in our housing situation.

    I'm still going through an adjustment period of wearing the MM JailBird 24x7 but this time it does appear easier than the last time. It is still affecting my sleep but it's actually pretty manageable. I definitely find that I when we're sleeping, I want to be close to her and touch her more than when I am hanging free. Other than a few episodes of overheating, this seems to have been a nice benefit for both of us.

    She's definitely starting to wield her power. She has been campaigning for a new car for over a year and her's has been in the shop for the last three weeks with an intermittent problem. She's playing the "D card" to get a new car and this is going to be an interesting space to navigate due to everything else that is going on. Stay tuned.
     
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  4. subiam
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    subiam Member

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    Someone once said "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." The rough part right now is that when I'm locked, I'm hyper focused on being close to my wife and touching her. It's hard to turn it off. She, on the other hand, tends to be somewhat indifferent. It can be really hard to span the space in between.
     
  5. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    This is a big issue for me too. I'm trying to understand that she is not indifferent, she's just living her life freely, the way we want her to. We husbands think she's indifferent because we're so focused on the cage and our lost erection and she doesn't obsess equally about it, but that loss, of course, is the very means to our real end -- to enable ourselves to grow closer to her and more invested in our marriages. She's not indifferent to that! Indeed, I'm sure that on occasion she tells you that you're a better man now, and how happy she is with your new openness and with her exclusive use of the marital penis, as mine does. We need to learn to accept our anxiety as a sign of her growing authority and our growing submission, and pour that angst into our service. Easier said than done for sure, when we've got all these longtime fantasies of what she's "supposed to do" to us, but I think it's the key to success in chastity, to not topping from the bottom, to not being annoying.
     
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  6. Giveitup
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    Giveitup Active member

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    Spot on!
     
  7. subiam
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    subiam Member

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    Well, this morning marks my first full week back in chastity. The device (MM JB) has not been off once and I've found myself moving into the "it's part of me" phase. This is the period where the "spell" gets strong and I find myself not wanting to take it off or even have an orgasm because I fear it might break the magic.

    That said, I am horny as hell and I can't get enough of touching my wife. I have to be careful not to become a pest so I'm trying hard not to over do my affection. What I want more than anything right now is to be able to go down on her but so far she has not shown a lot of interest or time; however, part of that may be the disruptive nature of our lives right now.

    I'm trying to stay in the mindset that this is about me doing what she wants and making her life better -- not focusing on my needs. Easier said that done.
     
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  8. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Active member

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    Totally agree, was thinking about his exact need and whether to ask her tonight during my commute this morning.
     
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