Our Journey (Or: Another maybe way to get more women into chastity)

That was the "blink blink" deer in headlights moment. Hmmmm...do I?

Yikes.

 

I am curious to see what the conditions are that result in my 'release'. When it will by, why. Everything is organically open ended, we could go on for hours, days, months at this point, who knows. We have a lot of open communication and exploring together.

I go from over the top "needing release" to a blissful place, charged up to give her what she needs. I have become very good at channeling my sexual energy, so can go from being driven totally wild (like 12 out of 10 on the edging scale), bring myself close, back it off again, channel the energy through my body, then be perfectly fine to stop the play (though craving more). I never imagined having this much self control. But certainly still learning and exploring.

As well as the non-sexual aspects of intimacy and communication that is emerging. And I feel like we're at step 2 of 50 in the potential.

 

Day 35 update: Wow, where things have gone since my last post over a month ago.

The end of March marked the end of our 3-month trial, where we agreed to give it an honest try and see where things would go. Mid-month we introduced Chaster to play around with tasks and more structured aspects of control.

I think this started something with my wife. She felt a sense of power and control that wasn't there before.

But as time went on, while fun for being new, I don't think it was the answer (hadn't expected it to, but it's fun to try new things and explore). I think the 3-month trial was a good duration, but all good things must come to an end. I think we were feeling we had learned what we needed to, we didn't have any specific direction to head or where to go next.

Then, last Thursday, I got a PM from JaySaysYes, which was a timely discussion that evolved into an idea. His thoughts were spot on, poetic and exactly what we needed. I shared each one with my wife, who loved the ideas and inspiration.

Her initial reply:

"It’s really interesting to read other people’s stories and experiences. I can’t imagine you having the cage on for that long, though. Well, we’ll see what happens. "

This all prompted a discussion of how she felt about the dynamic, how I felt, etc. I could tell she wasn't totally congruent between mind and body, and she agreed. But knew she wanted to. She was starting to feel the potential here, for herself and use. She knew she had to get over the hurdle of embracing her true self, of letting go of her past identity, fears, and beginning anew. A phoenix from the ashes if you will. Time for a rebirth.

Jay's thoughts spilled out with clarity, energy and vision. Something we could both wrap our heads around. A new plan for going forward.

But how, were we ready for it? What would it entail?

Jay talked about his experience with longer lock-ups, control and what the dynamic could be. What his is and what ours could become.

I had reservations and knew I could not commit unless I could feel she was all in, ready, and congruent in her desires and clarity in her vision for herself and us. She knew she needed that clarity.

Over the weekend it sunk in for my wife, and for both of us.. I watched her turn a corner, from not quite sure but wanting, to clarity and committed.

When I read about "when it clicks for the wife", I wondered if that day would come, and what it would look like. How I would feel about it. Over the past 4 months I tried to provide ideas and a framework to let her and us explore. Let her take her time, play, explore the possibilities and find her desires, explore fantasies, figure out who she wants to be. The balance of guidance without getting in the way, or pushing.

This weekend it clicked. Big time. I could feel the energy, excitement and alignment in her body. I could sense her embrace the possibilities. The power of being in charge, of deserving what she wants, and the desire to be confident to get it.

It was amazing!

Jay's comments provided themes she could relate to, and inspiration to make it her own, how she wants things to be. And permission to go for it.

The idea of adding 60 days to the already month of the current lock-up caught me off guard. On to of 30 days without orgasm (but let out for play), another 60 without being unlocked? And handing over all control on top of that? Exciting and scary at the same time.

But her energy and conviction, the look in her eyes, her passion and drive to want to do this, was too intoxicating to resist. I have to do it! I'm all in, too.

Last night I wrote a vow of commitment, something to hold myself to and to keep me accountable. I presented it to her, she cried, loved it, and promised to do the best she could for herself, for me, and us.

She's ready to grow into the woman she wants to become. It's beautiful.

For me...I switched to the Watchful Mistress cage (it's less open than the Jail Bird), replaced the padlock with the security screw, locked the emergency key in it's tamper proof container and she's hiding her key today.

The next 60(+) days began. She absolutely took control and has passion and fire in her soul.

It is unlike anything I have ever felt. I am married to a very different woman this morning.

 

Yep, she says and believes that, too. Thanks!!!

 

Day 39: Leadership and the fog of war.

We've had a great week, firing on all cylinders. For me, several nights and days of intense arousal stifled by a fairly enclosed cage that doesn't allow really any good sensations.

Last night, my wife had some nice touch and an orgasm for her. This weekend we are going to focus on her pleasure. So she can explore deeper into what she likes, wants, and explore unencumbered by my selfish wants. Not that we haven't done this before, but she feels more like she owns it and can be self-focused (maybe a softer way of saying selfish, which can have a negative connotation).

This morning she noticed I had a tube of Aquaphor in the bathroom, which I got recently (based on comments here) as a great way to lube around the ring. I usually use coconut oil, but figured I'd give this a try. I don't need it often, but sometimes things get tight and oil helps keep things good.

This concerned her, asking if something was wrong? If i needed to take the cage off, if we had to stop. She said she was almost heartbroken (a word like that) that we'd have to stop, she's loving the dynamic and where we are. I re-assured her that I'm fine, this is all part of day to day and health and safety of course come first. I won't do anything that jeopardizes my health. I have well fitted, high quality cages and we have been at this for almost 5 months non-stop with no major issues, minor things with tweaks made along the way.

• We've gone through establishing the dynamic of orgasm control and denial (over a year ago)
• The initial introduction of chastity back in November of 2022 (make sure I get the date right)
  
• Going a week, a couple of weeks, a month.
  
• We'd been at this for 4 months before the dynamic really started kicking in.

Now it's time to develop leadership. She wants this for herself. To get what she wants in life, to lead others to be successful in their lives and get what they want. To manifest a vision of good, health, abundance for everything around her. It's new to her. The idea of getting what she wants, and not feeling guilty about it. How to better lead the kids, providing them direction and structure while helping them fulfill their desires and find success. Vendors we work with...how to keep them in line and create an environment of trust, collaboration and accountability. Setting expectations and firmly agreeing on deliverables and timelines.

It doesn't sound sexy, but it's a crucial next step in where we are and how we are evolving.

Start with me. You are laying out your vision for your life, our lives. Now you need to create it. And I am by your side to make it happen. You need rep's to practice, try things and fail, re-try a new approach and improve. Gain confidence, master who you want to be. It takes time.

The "Full Time Chastity Goes Both Ways" thread is a great read. I like Nicoftime's post around expectations and communication. This is kind of where we are, improving communication, setting expectations, and evolving leadership style to fit her personality, desires and needs of those around her.

Leadership requires clarity (what's the vision, the plan, what's this look like), autonomy (space for everyone to work and own what they are responsible for), relationships (communication and understanding of each other and each other's needs) and equity (give each other what they need).

Equity is an important one here, because what I need...is different than what I want...and is different than what she needs. Equity is not equality. Equality means same thing for everyone. Equity is the "right thing and right amount for each person".

Nicoftime puts it well:

"Her job isn’t to act out all fantasies, her job is to keep him in a submissive state that makes him and her happy. If he isn’t happy he needs to communicate that, her way of fixing that is up to her, and the sub trusts that she will. His job is to follow her decisions, communicate his feelings, and continue to trust.

Both need to be happy, and her being told how and when to be dominant, doesn’t sound like a happy domme."

Through the other aspects...clarity and communication, we will figure out what provides equity so everyone has what they need.

Putting my head around this next step, let's see how we do with this next chapter.

 

Acting with Intent

As outlined in Uniquely Rika:

“Service-oriented D/s is about long-termed relationships in which both partners operate under an agreement of power transfer. This 'power exchange' agreement creates a dynamic on top of the traditional relationship. In lifestyle D/s, both parties are in charge of maintaining the dynamics of the 'power exchange'.

What is this power exchange thing? It's an agreement between partners. As with all agreements, there are two sides; two commitments that are made and must be kept for the dynamic to work. The power exchange is an open communication of the intent of one partner to serve the other. It must be comprised of two very specific reciprocal commitments:

The first commitment is made by the submissive partner. He promises to dedicate himself to the needs of his partner. He commits to serve her in any way she would like. He promises to put her wishes ahead of his own and to commit all his mental and physical resources to her alone.

She, in turn, makes the reciprocal commitment to her partner: She agrees to accept his service, allowing him to serve her. She also agrees to provide feedback and to help him learn to serve her to his best ability.

Once these two commitments are honestly and openly made and accepted, the relationship immediately takes on a new dynamic and is considered a D/s relationship.”

This resonates with my wife. Not from a strict power exchange dynamic (though that is there) but just a logical and fair way to be. I think it is the masculine way to provide…resources, support, containment, desire, service. We want to, it makes us feel good to have a place and purpose in her life.

She likes being taken care of and having her needs and desires met. And what Rika describes as lifestyle takes it out of the bedroom and shifts it away from male (ie penis)-centric focus. Creating more equity in the dynamic with the goal of everyone getting their needs met without creating resentment.

Mutually Support Foundational Needs
“The foundation needs are critical to all relationships If they are to last, all healthy relationships (D/s or not) require focus by both parties on the basic needs of the Foundation Relationship; things such as open communication, trust, honesty, and respect.

Part of Foundational Needs are Gifts - things for him that are not part of the D/s dynamic and are done as desired by her, for him. “

The role of the dominant partner is to give direction and feedback

“This is a simpler job; which is how it should be. The woman accepts her partner’s offer of service and agrees to provide feedback and direction. This is fairly straightforward. If a man does something well, we tell him so. If he makes us happy, we do not hide that fact. If he could do something better, we tell him how. We do not play the ‘no matter what you do, it can’t be good enough’ game. We do not play the “you’re a worthless piece of sh#$!” game either. His job is to please us, ours is to make it clear how he can succeed – and to acknowledge him when he does.”

The role of the true submissive is to make his partner’s life easier.

“Unless the dominant partner prefers to control his every move, the submissive needs to think ahead of every situation and learn to anticipate what his partner will need. Otherwise, he will unnecessarily burden her with details of his actions. He needs to devote his energies to removing obstacles from her path and providing assistance to making her desires fulfilled. He needs to generate his own energy. He cannot just sit around awaiting orders (unless that’s what she requests). Good submissive partners act ahead of their partner’s needs. Of course, while her word is final...that's part of the power exchange and a natural offshoot of his desire to see her happy…his goal is to try to make her life easier. “


What really differentiates this dynamic is intent, though. And where it comes to the idea of gifts. Rika goes into detail about “gifts”. Things done for him for his enjoyment. Not granted as “rewards” for effort performed (he is serving in the D/s dynamic because he wants to), but out of her desire to do something for him (and icing on the cake to drive the dynamic…the extra few % of octane in the gas). The intent being “I am doing this for him because I love him, want to satisfy his foundational needs, and ideally she enjoys it too.

Rika categorizes chastity in the gift bucket. As it is activity for him. It certainly makes day to day abstinence easier and delineation of what is in her control. We did “honor method” for a year and it certainly worked, at least for short periods and lots of play time. Rika’s premise is that a commitment to provide service should be achievable without chastity. Are you doing it for her on your own free will or because of chastity? Good point.

Chastity, though, brought us to this realization and my wife’s desire to explore the D/s dynamic more than ‘honor method’ did…or maybe we’ve just been evolving to this. I don't want to do chastity if she doesn't want to. When she was on the fence about it, I could feel she wasn't all in. Once she decided she wanted this (and now expanding on the dynamic) it became much more real to me. And her decisions and actions have been much more decisive and hers. Ironically, I could see her stopping chastity at times 1) because she can and 2) to push my resolve and see how I do without it.

It’ll be interesting to see where this goes and how it evolves.

 

~90-day lockup update:

Last orgasm: March 6, 2023
Continuously locked since: April 9, 2023 (30 days no unlocking so far)
64 days since last orgasm
30 days until 6/9 completion of agreed lockup

Started chastity 11/22/2022 (169 days)
Orgasms since start: 5
Over that time period, probably locked for all but maybe 12-16 hours total.

I told my wife last night that, [un]fortunately(?) the cage has been incredibly comfortable, no issues aside from intense arousal very very often. That seemed to be a relief to her that she doesn't need to specifically worry about unlocking for health reasons.

Things have evolved from the beginning, one step at a time, increasing lockups, allaying concerns about the physical effect the cage might have. My wife gaining confidence in her role and exploring her desires. For me, learning to rethink sex, orgasm and my tuning in and service of her. She has really taken charge, more than I expected.

With one month to go of non-stop lockup (including a fun long vacation coming up) I crave release and an orgasm, to have her hand stroke me, or to feel inside her. It's almost overwhelming at times. But at the same time, an amazing experience. I highly recommend it!

 

Yeah, I can imagine it heading down this path. We were 1 month in and the idea of going for 3 came up (from your PM's) so she said hey, let's add 2 months and see what it's like.

I personally don't feel the overwhelming need to go for a longer time unlocked, it's never been a 'thing' for me. This has been an interesting experience and fun to do.

Handing over the control and really internalizing that has been the most interesting experience. It's like, if she decides I go 6 months, that's what I'll do because that's where things will go. I just hope she doesn't tell me it will be 6 months. I like the day to day uncertainty.

 

Day 100

@IB-Chaste I still owe you a response to this...there is a lot to unpack and cover and I haven't full wrapped my head around it in a way to articulate clearly. But hopefully soon as we're past the original 95-day lock-up./no orgasm

And still going strong @JaySaysYes. This has been an interesting journey.

 

That's the story I want to put together...without rambling on about it for 50 pages. 2 months with no time out of cage helped, along with some work stress, travel, and setting off my own trauma issues (as part of progressing forward in our relationship). This week has been different, and I almost lost it this morning.

In a much better place now, learned a lot, experienced a lot, etc.

 

Interesting how these seem different. My Watchful Mistress has a wide ring around the glans and the base, the underside is solid, as is the top. I find it quite restrictive and less 'accessible' than the Jail Bird. From the photo, the Queen's Keep is a jailbird with a wider base, so more like the JailBird than the WM, Pet Trap or Spyder. My Jail Bird, by comparison, is narrower stainless bars, not the wider 'sheet' steel.

 

I wonder if this is a sizing issue. I see what you mean, and on my Jail Bird, the space between bars is equal to or more than on the WM Maybe your Jail Bird has less space between bars.

the WM has only one bar between the top and bottom so could have more space than the bars on the Jail Bird.

 

Day 112!

I don't want to go into too much detail about the past couple of months, other than causes including work stress, vacation, my own challenges expressing my desires, etc. It's time to move past that dynamic. It's boring, lots of locked up time with no play, self doubt, self challenges and growth, etc.

One quick update...so day 112 since last orgasm and more out of cage play time since 6/9, things are heating up and we are exploring more again. And my wife showing her strong self after last night we were talking about me having an orgasm and she said that's coming (no pun intended) soon, but not until after our upcoming anniversary. She doesn't want me messing it up having a hormonal drop, so it's not going to happen until sometime after. Good thinking and I appreciate the conviction! I have gotten amazingly used to not having orgasms, though having sex, bringing her to orgasm, edged or played with mercilessly and not allowed to cum.

Today's topic:

Turning desires on their head and flipping the script.

When it comes to introducing chastity in a vanilla relationships (the theme of this thread) I think a common pattern is for one partner (often the guy) to have these wild fantasies. Lock me up and deny me orgasm. Or wearing panties, dressing in women's clothes, etc. And presented, out of nowhere, to a partner with him these desires have been withheld for years or decades of a marriage, it' comes across very bluntly and not in a good way.

And even for ourselves, we struggle with how to present the ideas, even conflicted about whether we should have these fantasies and desires. This is where guilt and shame are born. We've learned that it is bad to have desires, bad to want what we want.

But we do. And there is no escaping it. You can try to talk yourself out of it, repress it, deny it or swallow the resulting anxiety of not being feeling safe to express the desire. This compounds the problem.

If we shift the script, though, it changes the game. Instead of "I want to be in chastity and you to control the key" we say "I want to feel an intimate sexual and emotional connection with you and bring us together in a new way. And I want to grow and heal past a dynamic I have been living for much of my life and share more of myself with you." the context shifts. Who wouldn't want to hear more about that and be part of it? The toys aren't the focus, the toys are tools. I don't bring my wife a hammer and talk about how shiny the steel is and what I could use it for, I hang her picture where she wants it.

And for ourselves, it takes the pressure off of "I have this kink I've kept secret, and have a boxes of cages I've played around with in private, and accumulated this vast narrative of kinky stories and things I want to try". There is huge disconnect with this, and conflict even within ourselves.

Instead of expressing the "what to do", feel into and understand what to feel and why. You can't choose your desires, they choose you. They come from childhood experiences, trauma, unmet needs, unfulfilled requests for love, attention, touch, communication.

We find ways to self sooth and build fantasies of how we could get those needs met. But we don't feel safe to express them. Instead of the describing the "scene", describe the target feeling you want to have. Then seen to fulfill it through the scene.

My wife and I are starting an exercise where we write down a daily "daydream". This is done in the past tense as if it already happened. It should be short, and describe what was in the daydream and how it felt. To connect with the feeling, and train our minds and bodies to feel as if it already happened, and was OK that it happened.

From there, we gain embodiment and integration between mind and body and less conflict our minds make about questioning it, feeling shame, guilt, etc.

There's also a good podcast that goes into more detail about some of this:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unlocked-unrestricted/id1566837002?i=1000618097691

Approaching kinky desires from understanding and expressing the deeper meaning behind them and what our bodies want to feel (safe, protected, loved, heard, appreciated, valued) it becomes much more palatable and from a more approachable context than being asked to be a part in someone's fantasy show.

There are too many stories on here of women who are "Nope!" and it's unfortunate desires can't be approached from a place of understanding, love and safety. Everyone deserves to have their desires heard, understood and be explored. It's how we heal and grow.

 

I haven't posted in a while...but life is good. Filled with ups and downs, but generally far more ups than down. Amplitude, allowing oneself to feel and embrace the ups and downs, leads to ups that are higher and more alive. So we roll with the downs, learn from them, and have become able to recover from them much faster than we used to.

I found this article just now (after finding Schahrzad Morgan on YouTube), and I think it sums up eloquently, what women often need, and how to show up better as a man to provide it. She is a great, no non-sense, straight to the point resource.

https://thetreasurewithincoaching.c...e-in-long-term-relationships-a-primer-for-men

Not specifically associated with "How to get women into chastity", but supports building a great foundation, and better self awareness for men on how to improve and provide a better foundation for sexual activity...and chastity as a part of that.