Hi everyone! I'm a newly minted (again) KH for my husband of almost 30 years. We tried OD before but it didn't work out (mainly because I didn't quite understand what his enjoyment was in the process); then our marriage became sexless and then we decided to try OD again. It took some difficult discussions and both our willingness to talk about lovemaking to get back to being intimate and I'm enjoying it a lot more than I did before.
Dear @Abstraction, thank you for your perspective and welcome to CM! I am in what seems to have become a sexless marriage and I badly want to re-kindle intimacy with my wife. I'd like to ask if there were some key points in your discussions that really helped both of you start communicating again. I have been trying to start talking about this with my wife many times, but without any luck so far. I really wonder if we will make love again. Many thanks for any ideas you can offer!
@anasyrma, we ended up in a sexless marriage without much discussion - it just kind of happened. Work, child, you know... Then it started being a problem for both of us; my husband's interest in OD was difficult for me to understand because I couldn't get past this idea that my orgasms were more important than his. So he assumed I wasn't interested; I assumed he had lost interest in me because I got older and gained quite a bit of weight. So there were a lot of assumptions and no talking. Finally it all came to a head in a rather upsetting way and our first discussion was little more than mutual accusations. Then we cooled off and decided that our marriage was worth saving and if the intimacy element was still essential we should work on it. I knew OD was important to him so I decided to broach the subject and suggested we gave it a try but first I needed to understand what it was about. He gave me links to Tom Allen's blog and several more; I read them and then asked to have a fully frank discussion. I can't pretend it was easy because it wasn't. I had to articulate my intimate needs to him; he had to talk about his interest in chastity. I asked him what chastity meant to him - was it for good or would he expect to have PIV ever so often? Would he expect to have regular orgasms? How does keyholding work? I'm pretty vanilla in my approach to intimacy even though I have some really wild and kinky fantasies (which I keep to myself), so as far as my husband is concerned, I need PIV to be happy. And I don't. I like being played with and have him watch me crest. I like oral and anal things. And I never told him that, so I asked if he wanted to know how best to please me - and he said yes. So I had to get past my fear of opening up to him and tell him what I like. It was difficult and liberating at the same time. And I think he felt the same way because he said he really appreciated the talk. My main advice would be to take a mutual interest approach - if you both want to stay together intimacy is a good way of keeping things going. It doesn't have to be explosive, everyday multiple orgasms swinging off chandeliers - a foot rub here and there, kissing, gentle play will do wonders to restore emotional closeness and get you both past being unsure of your needs. Tell your wife what she would be getting from it - closeness, comfort, enjoying her body. Ask her if she likes the idea of gentle play or cuddling before going to sleep. Above all, show her she is your woman. Sometimes we think OD is about satisfying the man's need but it's equally (or even more so if we lead that way) about making us happy. Hope this makes sense. Feel free to ask questions and good luck!
@Abstraction, thank you so much for your frank and detailed response! I really appreciate everything you wrote. I think I am in the same boat as you were due to work, children, relatives, you name it. We just don't have time or space for any intimacy. While I am doing a lot of things to help around the house and with the kids, my wife always seems to be stressed and exhausted. And the worst part seems to be that we are not talking about it. I have found it very difficult to bring up the subject and it quickly results in miscommunication and bad feelings, so I am reluctant to try again. I certainly still find my wife very attractive and I wish we could be intimate for a few minutes every day, even if sex isn't involved. As you say there may be wrong assumptions on both sides. It seems like my wife is totally disinterested in me, but I have to believe that this is not the case. My wife's love language is acts of service, whereas mine is physical touch. I bring her coffee every morning in bed, and frequently rub her feet and massage her bad back. As a result of not having intimacy I have spent the last few years exploring chastity, OD and crossdressing, I think as a way to compensate and to keep things interesting. My wife is aware of my interests and has often seen me wearing a cage and panties, but again she doesn't seem to have much interest. She fully dressed me once, more out of curiousity I suspect than anything else. I'm not aware of Tom Allen's blog. I'll try searching for it. Do you think my wife should look at it? I think we need to have some (or many) difficult conversations so that each of us has a chance to express our feelings and desires. I think our marriage is worth saving if we can show our love to each other again. My wife doesn't seem to be interested in PIV contact, but again that may be an assumption on my side. I would love to give pleasure to my wife if she would give me a chance. Maybe part of our conversation can be me asking my wife if she wants me to know how to please her. I would assume she does. I would be happy to do anything she asks. She just seems to have difficulty expressing her desires. I think I could be happy with no more PIV if it came to it, but I would need something else to substitute, which involves some level of intimacy with my wife, such as keyholding. I have quite a few kinky fantasies, but I don't expect my wife to be interested in any of them. One discussion that resulted in a good outcome occurred after I asked her if she had any fantasies she wanted to play out. She said she wanted to penetrate me with a strap-on, and so she did then and there! She seemed to enjoy it, but we only did it once. I'd be happy if she wanted to try it again, especially when I am wearing a cage. I think she has some interest in anal sex, but we tried once in the shower and it was a bad idea (no lubrication). It may be the case that my wife has a fear of opening up to me and this is why she finds it difficult to express her needs. I have often asked her what she would like, but I usually get a non-answer or shrug of her shoulders. I think I have been attempting to take a mutual interest approach and have talked about how we can make things better between us. In most cases she seems to agree, but then afterwards things return to the normal routine with no intimacy. I will not give up just yet, but I feel very demotivated. I don't know if OD is the way to go, but I will take all your advice to heart and try to show her that it is about her and us, and not just about me. Everything you said makes perfect sense! I really appreciate your help. This is a great community to share intimate topics about relationships. I hope I haven't stolen the show from welcoming you. Take care.
Welcome to our community and thank you for sharing your life. It seems you already have made an impact. Thanks.
Tom Allen is a has-been egomaniac who used to be famous for blogging about chastity and relationships, but never offered anything of substance. I'd suggest you avoid anything he's ever written.
And while you're doing so, do NOT click on the links in his signature - who knows where to what seedy internet underbelly they may take you...
@anasyrma Look for a book titled "Worshiping Your Wife". It is based on a man's blog and is available free on Kindle Unlimited. He actually wrote a follow up to it that was a collection of his blogs but, to me, it seemed to be mostly a repeat of the first one.
My story is much like Abstraction's. We were drifting apart after 44 years. As M'Lady puts it we were room mates that didn't even like each other much. At one point she went on a trip to see family with no intention of coming back. She changed her mind when I flew up to drive her back and didn't tell me of her intent until recently. I introduced chastity to her 16 months ago and it has evolved to a FLM. We just celebrated 46 years, are in couples counseling and looking forward to many more happy years of marriage.
Welcome @Abstraction. You've already shared so much and helped many. Hope you will become a Verified female and continue to share how you are improving your intimacy and your marriage by holding your husband's key and revealing your needs to him. Chaste husbands very very much want to serve their wives and deepen their marriages.
That is a great post, I see a few KH that are shy or don't know what to do and I think that the answer from @anasyrma is great, my KH really need Mistress like you and advice like this to progress. This text is very rich and more interesting than the ordinary ones. Will pass it to my kh and see what she things. You should do a tipic for newbie KH around. Also welcome here abstraction.