[[This text is copypasted from my Fetlife post of the same name. Outside of the immediate Chastity/Sissification fetish, I go by the name of Meeko.]] I have kept a journal since April 5th 2000. Don't try to figure out the math, the entries are sporadic, ranging from daily, to once a week, to even longer. I have filled 7 single subject notebooks with entries, and have started into my eight. Hence, this is from "Volume 8". I'm not entirely sure if I will ever do a formal "intro" post. I've had this account for at least three years, saying I will add journal entries, and I just now got around to putting in one entry. If I had to collect my thoughts for an intro post, it would never happen. The following was transcribed with minor edits and redactions from today's physical journal entry. The log of Meeko: Volume 8, pages 13 and 14, “Mike’s Hard Paradox” September 24, 2015 2:52 pm Footnotes are provided for numbers in parentheses. The paradox, well, one of the many paradoxes with a chastity fetish, is that you can be both too big and too small for a given device. Some pain, frankly, is to be expected. When that pain changes to a newer pain? Yeah, check the plumbing. Clear silicone shouldn't be red. I took the Neo(0) off on the 12th, and yes, I was bleeding. I just got back into it yesterday – for like five hours. “Turtling” – I shrivel up. A measurement not accounted for, and indeed specifically called out to ignore. Overcompensating for this, rubbed me the wrong way, literally. I'm probably back to 90%, and so, tried again. The “beans” barely fit in, with lube. The “frank” can and does slip out, even when locked. Paradox. Despite this, it still calls. That is the easy part. Saying that, is easy. Solving the expression, defining “it”. Aye, that's the rub. Today at work, my ADHD took me to imitating Anne Robinson – the host of “The Weakest Link”. I shared with a regular customer “that's how my brain works”. He stated his works in the same way. I meant it to excuse my ADHD. The notion that I can't ignore ADHD while looking at BDSM lapped itself.(1) Precognition, seems too big a word. There is the Ur Example of “Zillions Of Games”(2) and the “kitty scripting”(3) I did to it, to get the selection screen to play “My Favorite Game”(4) – only grasping the masterstroke, game play sessions later. I made the switch for the mundane like-ability. Realizing it was a pun, had a double meaning came later. I do word scrambles with some speed, I know before I know. I attribute this to ADHD and impulse. This impulse function must be accounted for as I explore my kinks. A.B.(5) Whom I went to YHC(6) with, has been commenting on a few of my Facebook posts lately. We started a private conversation, and even as I write this, my Facebook is open for her to respond. >> Is impulse function a prototype “lapping itself”? << With some impulse, I told A.B. “… for me, I'm finally at a point, where I think I can't live my fullest life without indulging them [fetishes].” It's chicken and egg I think. Many, many examples here, but to limit the scope, let’s pick sissification. For me, for the most part, beer is beer. I love Mike’s Hard [lemonade]. Or rather, did, until I found out it was feminine. Do I kill two birds with one drink? Do I become a “funishment” slut? Not sure we get to be so lucky to actually be able to pick that exact position. The long, long standing example here, is why do I still want a locking penis gag? When can you make a line of best fit, from, as GLaDos(7) puts it,”points of data”? Will it not be “Huge Success” ? And, do not all my fetishes, either naturally, or with some retrospect, grist to the mill, coming to acceptance and terms with, have the same meeting of the minds, with my own? Can a fetish be “solved”? Is there benefit in solving? If you can, do you become who you already are?(8) What does that mean for the things that I'm curious about, those that I'm virgin to? Yes, I have hard limits, yes I know I want to try some things before others. Ironic, and perhaps best fitting then, that I have the foundations for a map to navigate by. Better yet to have this, because job, Effexor, and budget, are more of the same, if not worse. Progress or rather, seeming progress there, all but wiped out by reality, predictable realities I should have seen coming. 0 Birdlocked Neo male chastity device (cock cage). For a small laundry list of reasons, I finally got into chastity (figuratively and literally) on September 9th. I can trace my desire for wanting to be locked, back all the way to 2005 through message boards elsewhere. It wouldn't surprise me if I wasn't curious a few years before then. 1 “Lapped itself” is one of many abbreviations I use to refer to epiphanies discovered in previous entries. Some people use the term “flash of genius” here. For me, it's a resounding self truth, that can't be ignored. While not quite frisson, it is a similar feeling, one of self-confirmation. 2 Zillions Of Games is a software program that offers a programming language, of sorts, specifically for board gaming. There is a demo available for Windows at www.zillions-of-games.com The website does not look like it has been updated in many years. Full disclosure: I sponsored Zillions on my now defunct Geocities website. (This should be taken as another sign auto how old the software is.) 3 I'm still not clear as to what being a script kitty actually means. However, in this immediate case, I simply renamed a midi file I had to the file name Zillions used. Rudimentary hacking, or perhaps an exploit, but it worked. 4 “My Favorite Game” by The Cardigans. 5 Name omitted. 6 The Junior College I went to from 2001 – 2003. 7 If you need to look here for this one, I have some cake for you. 8 “Spirituality is becoming who you already are.” I heard this two or three years ago, in all places, during an Episcopalian midnight mass (Christmas). It has been a refrain for me many times over since then, as I continue to explore my interests (BDSM, Furry, Trekkie, Brony, or otherwise.)