I am brand new to this arena. My wife and I, married for 20 years, had drifted apart over the past few years. I stumbled on to this male chastity lifestyle by browsing the Internet and searching for ways to kick start our marriage again. So since about the start of the year we have practiced male chastity using the honor system. I think it has gone very well and my wife seems to enjoy my enhanced attentiveness, affection and non-combativeness. I have tried to remain low key about all this and not push too hard so as not to turn her off to this lifestyle. Well it has only been a very short 2.5 months and I am thinking that it would be interesting to try the "caged" approach. Also, I am not sure how long, even at my advanced age, I can remain chaste using the honor system. So my question to the veterans of this forum are: Should I stay with the honor system for quite a lot longer and not yet broach the subject of using a cage? I know that might be a difficult question to answer without knowing the specific woman's personality. But maybe someone else can offer some tips from real experiences?
Personally I couldn't imagine not being caged! It adds a whole new dimension to being chaste! With regards to broaching the subject with the Mrs, you are the one who knows her best! What's the worst she can say? No! On the other hand she might say yes. Pluck up the courage and pick your moment, and have the discussion! You have nothing to loose! But be prepared, once she has you locked and in her power there may be no way back! To me that's the best bit! Hope it works, what ever way you go!
chastity is mostly in the mind anyways. Most devices can be pulled out of or defeated if you wanted to. So being good for your wife is really in your head for the most part. But there is a thrill when you really cant access your member even if you wanted to. Its like they say, most locks are there to keep the honest people honest. Same applies to chastity.
I would suggest if things have been going peachy to ask her how she has been enjoying chastity. If she says that it has been great, you can then tell her that the honor system is getting to be very difficult to maintain, and you don’t want to fail her. Then you can ask her if it would be alright if you got a lock to help you out. Of course no device is impervious, but it is a nice reminder, and an extra layer to circumvent, which helps reduce idle hands innocently causing trouble. If she says this chastity business is something she can take or leave, a cage probably isn’t going to sweeten the deal for her. Good luck
The honor method requires a bit more self control, but has some advantages over using a cage (less maintenance, easier to tease, more comfortable).
Less maintenance and more comfortable! A cage provides a level of "inconvenience" and a permanent reminder of who is in charge! The fact I need to sit to pee at home and have to wear a pant liner to stop the wet patch is also part of Mrs Chaste enjoyment and amusement! Mrs Chaste also has no problem teasing me in my cage either, she loves to see me bulge to as my cock tries to get through the bars! How could I deny her these pleasures just for my comfort? Anyway to be honest I just love it!!! Cage that cock my friend!
Once you hear that lock click, you won't forget it. I'm too at an advanced age and things don't always work as they should. So not being locked isn't a problem. But once I do lock all I think about is what if I wasn't. As I've said before, My horn meter starts soon as the lock closes. Be sure and keep the communications open, start out inexpensive to see if it's something you both like. Then once she see's the change in your behavior once your locked and she's the most important thing in your thoughts again, step up to something nice, like metal that is easier to clean and so much more effective and prettier.
Hi godot - my immediate thought when I read your post was "It's too early". Two and a half months, I think she may well still be adjusting - there's a lot of emotion, self-doubt, guilt to process and probably no-one to talk to about it. Plus going from honour to cage, it's a big jump in the kink stakes. If your wife is vanilla, if she's not naturally dominant, then the idea of a cage it's pretty weird/ in your face, it could be very upsetting. If she's of a dominant disposition, then she's unlikely to be happy about you "suggesting" this yourself. Mulling it over, my feeling is that the ideal situation is that you reach a position where (eventually) she suggests this herself - or at least that caged chastity is something you "discover" together. Start smaller than a cage - tie yourself up with pink (or at least not black or red, the "colours of kink") ribbon to give her a special present one night. Encourage her to play with tying for herself. Progress from there. Find some caged porn to watch with her - or if porn is something that isn't normal for you/would be challenging to introduce, try some fiction stories. These are a lot less threatening than videos, and the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon has made erotic fiction mainstream. I think you should concentrate on helping her with HER own discovery rather than YOUR own "big reveal".
Meant also to add: honour, is your responsibility. Caging, that's hers. Don't underestimate how big a leap it is for us to come to terms with that transfer of responsibility. I found it a struggle when I wanted it, so it must be really hard if you've never wanted/thought about it.
We did the same thing. I went three months without masturbation in 2014. Then she took me to grt pierced at the end of the fourth month, and had some “freedom” for a few months to get used to the new jewelry. By my seventh month I had my custom Contender chastity, and by the tenth month I was fully healed and stretched. Then my wife approached asked me to wear chastity her, and I was secured, and it all became real. I haven’t had an uncontrolled wank or orgasm since. It’s been a dream. I think self control and honor system is a good foundation. I used chastity as a “crutch”. Especially at night time. I locked up voluntarily from 2014 through most of 2016. Then my wife took full control of my locking in December 2016. It took a long time to get her to fully embrace chastity. I’m grateful to her and I recommend a slow patient introduction. Otherwise you’re leading things by pushing and pressing. You can introduce the concept of a cage, but be respectful of her wishes. My wife didn’t want me to wear it while cuddling because it removed her choice. So while I dream of long continuous lockups like most competitive people here, but I’m normally released once a day when she’s around. I think the big thing is to be open and honest about what you want to try. Don’t be too disappointed if she doesn’t have as much enthusiasm as you. Do mention your idea/desire to be locked. Don’t make it a negative or punishment. At least my wife didn’t like that dynamic. She’s spun all the denial and chastity as fun. A gift for me. Chastity is my thing. She says this. But she too enjoys the benefits of my self control and focus on her, and not on my getting off. Relax and communicate with her. Be accepting. Focus on the positives. You enjoy making her happy and that she likes your attitude. You want to continue this and you think chastity would help you in difficult moments. Promise you won’t hurt yourself and you’ll keep safe, clean and healthy. At least for us, that’s what has worked since October of 2014. I had to learn a lot. I’m still learning. Still listening. Good luck to you. I empathize with your situation. I was there too.
I was chaste on the honor system for almost two years. Part of the reason it was such a long time was that I was clumsy in my introduction of chastity to my Wife, and that kind of scared her away from the idea of a cage for a while. You’re at an advantage already in that your Wife has started to experience the benefits that chastity can bring. I don’t think you should simply wait for her to suggest it herself. I think @Peter Rabbit stated it well about being open and honest without pushing too hard. Definitely don’t hand her the key to your already locked cock and expect her to jump up and down with joy (not that you’re likely to, from what you’ve said so far). I also like @Christabel ’s idea of introducing a bit of cock bondage or CBT to your play. That can be a good way to open up the discussion about more long-term options. But mostly I think that if you and your Wife are communicating in general about chastity and its effect on your relationship, how it works for you day to day, etc, it’s only natural for you to share things you know about how other couples do it — including the idea of a cage. In fact, if she’s done any research about chastity on her own, she’s probably at least read about cages, unless she got sidetracked onto the religious or nofap stuff.
I appreciate the advice in the replies. It has been about 3 months of the tease and denial process (with the longest chaste period being 25 days) . I believe she is seeing the benefits, to her, of this lifestyle. Yesterday I mentioned to my wife that there are "chastity devices" out there and I thought it would be interesting to give this approach a try. I did also tell her in a (hopefully) light-heartened fashion that this was part of my fantasy. Her reaction was a bit unexpected. I expected some shock and questions about what these devices look like and how they work. Instead she only raised two points. First point was concern that she didn't want to do anything to injure me. Perhaps my description made a cage sound like some kind of medieval torture device? I assured her that I wasn't planning on injuring myself. Her second point was concern that a cage would be visible in public. I suggested we start with me only wearing it in the house. Maybe I am reading two much between the lines, but her reaction leads me to believe that she wasn't totally surprised to learn that chastity cages exist. So at this point, I plan on dropping the whole subject and seeing what happens over the next few weeks.
I was chaste on the honor system for a couple of years. My wife's involvement with it was fluctuating. We tried cages but they didn't fit well and she was put off by the look of them: the clear plastic models looked disagreeably medical to her. Then I ordered a metal device, a Jail Bird. It evokes a dungeon more than a hospital and she's OK with it. She's playing along with it but I'm still more into it than she is. Nevertheless, the fact that I can't cheat with some surreptitious pleasure is having an effect on me. In other matters she seems to be ramping up in the domme side of things: more strict on giving orders, more severe corporal punishment. I can't really tell if this is because I'm now caged... time will tell. In any case, best of luck getting started!
My Wife had exactly the same issues with me wearing a device, namely worry that it would injure me and second that it would be visible in public. The first worry just took time, as she saw over the first few months that no damage occurred she became confident. This was after my second device, a cb6k knock off, tried to chew my balls off. The HTv2 we bought was my final chance at this so I am really happy it was an almost perfect fit. The worry about it being visible was very quick to get over. The only time it was even remotely visible was when I wore my tight, Lycra jogging trousers. After a while she even sent me out running in them as the idea of someone seeing the outline of my device made her giggle. I will always remember a meeting we had at our house with a salesman for something we were buying to upgrade our house, she had an absolutely wicked grin on her face every time he wasn’t paying attention to her. After he left I asked her what on earth was going on, she told me that the knowledge that I was caged while someone else was in the house was making her wet!
How did I miss this thread the other day? Before I posted my own (Promise I searched first.): https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/on-my-honour.26750/unread Lots of good advice.
Well it was one week ago when I had "the talk" with my wife. And what do you know, this morning she shows me the steel cage she purchased for me to wear! Yeah right. Totally fantasy on my part. I have managed to remain silent on this subject and not a word from my wife. So will try to continue along with the low key silent approach.
chastity does not save relationships. attending to your wife and her needs (not only sexual) does i bet that if you would attend to her needs while having 3 orgasms a day, you would bot be happy still i say that as a general comment to some recent posts that i read, all talking about how chastity saved the day. well it didn’t, you did. having said that - i am all for chastity. the longer the better.
True, chastity enhances a relationship and may change the dynamics! No way will it save a broken relationship!
Have faith in your Wife and relationship. Isn't chastity and the Mansion an incredible place @godot you asked for help and you received many different options to consider. I've always gone by the building of our relationship on Love Honour and Respect. Communicate your feelings to your wife and take care of her needs and Love her.
I posted on CM about a year so. Since then I have been a very "active lurker." So I thought I would update this thread with my ramblings. It was about 1 year ago when I broached the chastity cage topic with my wife. She had some initial concerns about safety - but other than that has been totally accepting of the new "jewelry." So at this point I am wearing a steel cage most of the time, except when my traveling on planes. I have come to the point, as other have written, that something feels missing when I am not caged up. And again as I have seen written on these pages, there is a strange feeling of comfort that comes from wearing the stainless steel jewelry. For my part, I am really trying to do positive things in our relationship to make sure that the chastity lifestyle is highly rewarding for my wife. Yes, I know - I don't want my wife to think that the only reason I am being nice is because I am locked up and sexually frustrated. As part of my efforts I have taken to reading and applying the teachings of John Gottman (I have no relationship with him and am not promoting him for any financial reason). I don't remember how I stumbled on this guy, but his simple, practical teaching about marriage really struck a chord with me. Simple stuff like - pay attention when your spouse talks to you (his fancy term is turn toward each other), and learn to fight better (he has fancier terms for that also). Again, simple stuff, but to an emotionally illiterate guy like me, I need the marriage for dummies version. This lifestyle has definitely created a new level of openness in talking about sex with my wife. And my wife has been very open and willing to amp up her role. Here is one example. I have read many part of Lucy Fairbourne's book, "Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders", to my wife. Last week I read her the passage about Re-Attachment (of the cage after an orgasm). And so after an orgasm earlier this week, she was quite insistent that the cage go back on immediately. So I consider myself extremely fortunate that my spouse is open to new ideas about sex and willing to try out all this non-vanilla stuff. I do hope she will ramp up the tease and denial frequency - but at this point as I said I consider myself very lucky and am trying very hard not to top from the bottom. And I still do find it a bit unbelievable the effect on my brain cause by a piece of dangling metal. At this point I wonder if I am eligible to move out of the "Novice" part of the forum. Godot
Hi @godot! We’ve been waiting for you! It’s good to read about your progress. It sounds like things are going well. Amazing what a difference a year can make.
I couldn’t agree with this more. I’m surprised you made it 2.5 months without a cage to discourage cheating. That’s some impressive self control. Cages aren’t perfect and with most you can manage to masturbate with some effort, but they offer a big enough obstacle that you can usually settle down and escape the temptation before you manage to orgasm. With my Queen’s Keep, I got desperate and tried really hard to masturbate once. After ten minutes or so of intense effort and rubbing myself raw a little bit, I gave up in frustration (and pain). I don’t think I can masturbate in this thing without hurting myself. Honor system just can’t offer a barrier like that in times of deep temptation.
I agree! I also tried to get some relief in my jail bird. I rubbed myself raw and sore as hell with no luck. I was "almost" there a few times but nothing. It only made everything worse! I learned my lesson that day. I confessed to my wife/KH what I did. I was not punished for doing it as she was pleased it only made things worse for me. That was my lesson. I have never tried that again.