I need help with the wife...

I wish I could like this a thousand times. Very well said and very true to a lot of couples.

 

My Wife might be a fourth type: enjoys the kink; but not the sex which is withheld during chastity

 

I hear you and I reiterate how this isn't a male or female issue. Either partner can shut down and intimacy can be lost.
I count my blessings everyday that my BR and I have both always worked hard to maintain our intimacy and now we are better than ever.
I wish you well @Abstraction in your journey back to each other

 

I think that I understand why this is top of mind for those living through this. For me, Covid-19 has put my business in the toilet, the gyms are closed and social gatherings postponed. In other words, my distractions are gone. Being at home these past couple of months with everything and the dog getting more attention than what's inside the cage sucks. Good luck to everyone and the OP.

 

@dre8car I agree to a degree. In my case, the problem began and was recognised as such before C19. I'm sure the OP also started experiencing it before the lockdown. And yes, the distractions are gone but when they were there so was the problem: it wasn't so hidden as to be unnoticed or unimportant.

 

There is a lot of good people expressing pain in this thread that is really heartfelt. I don't feel like I have anything to offer except my sincere hope that you all find what you need. All my best to you.

 

This thread really sums up a lot of the dynamic between my wife and I in our 10 or so years of off/on chastity play.

Overall she is somewhere between 2 and 3 on the scale metioned earlier. I am always the one who requests lockup but she does agree to hold the keys in a keysafe in her bedside table.
The first few days are generally pretty good and more often than not we will have sex where I remain locked and lick her pussy to orgasm - so far so good, but this seems to flick a switch in her and thereafter all my advances are met with a coldness that is so devoid of intimacy that it puts me off from trying.

When I bring this up she tells me not to pressure her/she is stressed with the kids/family/not feeling well/ doesnt feel sexy or just yesterday feels stressed due to the COVID situation. It seems that there is always something going on that prevents her from enagaging/responding to intimacy and I am left locked and forgotten, treading on eggshells not wanting to pressure her and then we fall into a cold absence of intimacy.

Prompted by this thread I brought up the topic of chastity last night - Ive been locked for 3 weeks now and we have had a couple of initmate evenings interspersed with being forgotten and cold shouldered.

This is when the COVID stress was brought up as a reason, and that she was wierded out by the cage and the whole chastity thing. We talked some more, I tried to explain my side taking some of the tips from this thread and we have agreed to keep trying - but with me not pressuring and her not freezing me out.

Lets see how it goes......

 

This is a tough road for both sides. There are so many reasons why this does no work for a lot of couples. Mix in some emotions, some hard times, a bad choices or two from the past and it’s no wonder it can destroy a relationship or marriage.

 

It is hard to get over not being involved in your partner's sexual experience and it'll take a while to get through this feeling of being left out and unwanted, even if the partner changes their behaviour. Patience is a virtue but, like @tecolote said, how long is too long to wait? A year? Five? Ten? Nobody is getting any younger/stronger and with age come physical complaints, tiredness, etc. - you can always find something to deem more important than intimacy. Eventually it becomes a luxury nobody can afford because of [insert reason du jour].

But what's the REAL reason? Boredom? Lack of novelty? Knowing your partner too well to try anything new? Fear of rejection? Fear of a new experience? It would be great if those of us in this predicament could just get a straight answer - no matter how painful - so we could find a way to deal with it, together or separately.

 

In our relationship, She is also somewhere between scale 2 and 3. I have been struggling with the same process as described above. There were some things that have worked in our relation

Chastity and orgasm control work because She is in the lead. This means that only She decides What happens, How it happens and When it happens. The more I would specify what I would need and When, the less interested She would be. I had to give her the confidence that She had this leading role.

What helped was that I found a web blog where a couple described their experience with chastity and orgasm control in a very "vanilla" relation. Also what benefits it brought to both of them. She agreed to read it and this took away a bit of Her fear that it would end up in something She would find unacceptable

What also helped me was a blog by Lori where she describes the "male lesbian". I recognized a lot in that description and this then helped me explain to Her what was driving me and that it was a deeply felt desire. I think She then realized that this, for me, is not something, that I could easily suppress

Finally, the most imprtant. I made Her my "Queen". Even if She would not ask me (or order me), I do whatever She would want or like. I bring her coffee in the morning when She is getting up, clean the kitchen daily, take over tasks of the cleaning lady who does not come because of Covid and serve her tea etc. during the whole day while working from home (because of Covid) and ... alway make sure you go to bed when She goes and try to make it as pleasant for Her as possible.

Every now and then, I only give a little hint that this might be related to the fact that I am in chastity now, from 1st Jan 2020.

The situation is, that She keeps the key to my lock, because I requested Her to do so. She always gives me the key when I ask for it. A few weeks ago, I did not return the key to Her after cleaning, just to see how She would react. It took a few days and then She asked: "Don't you want to be locked any more? You did not return the key." I replied: "Only if you like, I'll lock myself and give you the key". She said: "Yes I want this".

I see this as a huge progress and something to cherish. You can look at what you are missing, but you can also enjoy what you have and maybe, there is some future development. Only if She decides ...

 

"Communication is the single most valuable tool in marriage, chastity helps communication, but without really talking, chastity is useless."

Yeppers

 

A lot of great comments on this thread. Its sad/weird but on the times when it seems that no matter what I do its never enough I actually look back fondly at my times overseas thinking it was better humping thru the sand and getting shot at then putting up with the cold shoulder.

 

Thanks a lot for this post, clearly differentiating three cases with females in relation to chastity enthusiastic male, that I am at present. I'had been for almost four decades in a beautiful, happy, loving relationship, now in our late 50' with ups and downs of sexual aspect, generally delighted with our relationship and children on their own now. After two years of attempts to add chastity device as a spicy addition, not long-term, cause we both appreciate vanilla, PiV, etc, I'had just succeeded, by communication, bedtime pleasure, kitchen and couch talk to have my wife accepting my kink of being locked in chastity, but from time to time. So she is now between type, described by you, as 2 and 3.
The only way to reach her's active acceptance as part of our sex is to talk, not enforce it or manipulate into. I know I need time. Thanks God she loves sex with me, so I believe, we will include the cage as an addition to generally loving vanilla relationship with some BDSM already appreciated. I'm optimistic, because I would love to be let out by her of the cage for a lot of PiV and a more... Instead of dreaming of beeing denied, that I'm not interested. I strongly recommend to talk, ask, wait, caress and comfort,... One day our wifes would finally take keys in her hands...

 

Could I ask you to share this blog?

 

I am sorry, Since April 2019 the blog suddenly vanished from the web. First in maintenance mode; now the domain name does not point to anything anymore.It was in dutch: Help, mijn man verlangt naar kuisheid! - Gekooide Kater