I need help with the wife...

One thing about chastity, is it’s not the same for everyone. There are different reasons for doing it as well.

One reason for the male to bring this up that I see quite often...she never wants sex...let’s lock it up and give her a schedule and at least once every two weeks she will participate in sex.

There is a lot of problems with this situation. She wasn’t into having sex with him to begin with, giving her a sex schedule that she feels obligated to follow isn’t sweetening the deal. Kinda like “hey I noticed sex isn’t what you want, we should schedule you to do it on a timeline”.

Another reason this usually fails is that even if she agrees and he is wearing the cage, he stays horny and thinks of nothing else while she either forgets about it or is dreading the interaction.

The biggest reason for this failing is not addressing the issues that made her disinterested in sex to begin with. Maybe it was based on his behavior, kinky needs, lack of focus, expectations of sex and obligations that come with it,. Maybe it’s hormonal and they have to work on a new normal together or see a doctor.

The next big reason for chastity failure is confusing chastity lifestyle with chastity play.

If a couple use this as a spice it up tool in chastity play, I think it should be a game. Games have participants, and if she isn’t totally onboard, put it back in the drawer because games with only one person playing aren’t very fun. Resentment and frustration will have both upset. An example of this would be “hey, I want you to wear your cage, you are really in for it!” She then actually participates, teases, gets involved, and makes it fun. She is having fun because it’s her game and she wants to play.

If you use chastity as a lifestyle, it’s about control and trust. The man gives it away and trusts what she does with it. She knows what he likes, if she wants to do that she will, if not she won’t. It’s more about conditioning the male. Like a bdsm relationship, the sub trusts that by pleasing the leader, they will be taken care of. They may not do it the way the sub desires, but will always help them with their needs.

 

What happens if she wants to play her game but his game is different and he's not budging?

 

tip the board over...?

 

That's a childish tantrum and I don't work like that.

 

Your husband is even more lucky to have you! He won the jackpot!

 

That's very kind of you. I wish he saw it that way.

 

That’s a tough one, it’s different for everyone. One would hope they could keep trying and adjusting until they figured something at work for both sides. But I understand it gets so tiring after a while.

 

I personally wouldn't be with someone who wasn't sexual in nature, because i'm very sexual in nature. A complete mismatch in terms of each others needs is only a recipe for disaster in my opinion.

Some people need it, some people don't. I don't think those that need it should placate or curtail to those that don't, because that's an extremely one sided relationship where a person is sacrificing something incredibly important to them to a person that doesn't even understand it's a sacrifice. That's a one way ticket to being incredibly resentful.

You either both come to the table and find a middle ground, or hopefully find something you both like doing and exploring or you don't. I personally wouldn't stick around if they can't or won't do that.

 

I am not sure it is either a male or female issue. I believe as people we often crave that which we do not have enough of. Everyone is different and our levels of enough may be very different from that of our partners.
Communication is key and yes it is the only answer. Unfortunately all the communication in the world will not help if one partner has disconnected to the point whereby they have lost desire to make change and salvage what should be their first priority. We have to care when our partner speaks, we have to listen when our partner asks, we have to give sometimes when we dont feel like it. We have to care enough to give and to compromise when we are tired from life and kids and bills and covid 19.
Agreed, put aside chastity for now. Re-engage with your wife as if it was a new relationship. Talk, date, romance, try and rekindle what once was. If she loves and still cares she will compromise. If not ...

 

what if they love and care but claim to show it by providing for the family via working, cooking meals, laundry, homework with the kids, etc?
the husband also contributes equally to the above but craves attention, lust and desire of their spouse as their main coping mechanism for stress and all the BS that life can bring with it.

when each day comes to a end, kids are in bed, food is cooked and dishes put away... the husband is hoping for a few minutes of intimacy whereas the wife wants nothing more than to lay down and sleep. rinse repeat over many weeks, months, years. then what? Its been verbally brought up dozens of times about wanting there to be more connection and asking ideas how to make their life easier to allow that to happen on a organic basis not only when one partner is hinting or outright begging for it?

chastity was supposed to bring us closer together, and it did for a bit. but now she prefers to let me choose if i'm caged or not as she knows I crave more than she provides. however i don't want to masturbate, step out or any of that. i want her. im at a loss of where to go with this

 

@luckyhubby83
I completely understand what your saying... my wife and I both work hard (in different ways) for our family. I’m work nearly 40 hrs a week (normally!) and commute for an additional 10hrs. I put the children to bed and do the baths. My wife does everything else. After their bed time, my wife watches TV and I work in my workshop. I’m always make an effort to be in 8:30-9pm - so we could watch something together and/or ‘have an early night’. But we rarely do.
For us, I’m hoping and hoping that having a ‘play night’ will be a compromise that works. I hate being disappointed night after night and the broken promises. Prior to this, being locked and forgotten, I think sorting it out my self was a far better option - but I don’t want to go back to doing this anymore.
Not much help or advice I’m afraid - perhaps knowing others have very similar problems is some comfort... and sharing different approaches might give you some ideas to try... keep us posted!

 

There are plenty of men coming in on any kink board complaining that their wives don't want sex. All we hear in such posts is how they try to get their partner to have sex, but we never hear how the daily tasks and child care are being done.
Women often do the bulk of housework and childcare on top of their job, and men often don't even notice what they do because they are used to women doing that work. And especially with young children, doing all that is exhausting.
The men who don't notice what their wife does get frustrated when she shows no interest. And instead of asking what they can do to make her interested, they tell her what she should do to make them happy.
That usually leads to divorce, as all the woman is doing is trying to make her man happy through taking care of all the things that need to be done. But he only sees his willy and that doesn't get enough fun. And instead of sitting down to talk, he either whines that she doesn't put out enough or goes to watch porn or another woman feeling sorry for himself.

So my tip here is, come back when you have asked what you can do for her to get her in the mood instead of when you have whined to her that she doesn't give you enough.

 

@MRS.Lilith - I agree to some degree but there are men out there who will do more than their share of housework. My husband does most of the housework (I cook because I love it; he does pretty much everything else), and I'm very happy that he does. I also wish he would show me that he loves me by wanting to be intimate with me, not just by doing housework. As much as I appreciate it, it would be nice to get a cuddle, just to be reminded that I'm still someone he desires.

 

Nobody is saying there are no men out there who do that.

I am saying however that the men on these kind of boards always mention what they want done for them, but barely ever what they do to get it.

And the 'not all men' argument is really very tiresome. We know 'not all men' are rapist too. Men don't need to mention these things all the time when a woman says something about well known facts of male behaviour, especially when backed up by statistics such as the general divide in housework in the world.

 

I think there is also an element of ‘The grass is always greener...’ I know I can get back from work sometimes and think my wife has had an easier day than me. Often she will feel she has had the harder. In reality, we’ve both been working hard for the overall best result for ‘team family’.
For me, I’d like to feel appreciated by my wife making more effort towards me from looking after her appearance more, planing to do things just for us, more intimacy and sex (and a little kink would be good too). I’d happy do more for her to make her feel more appreciated, if I knew what and I/we could fit it in around every day life. Doing jobs, ‘date nights’, massages... maybe she doesn’t know her self... or may be she’s just reasonably satisfied with what we have and thinks I’m never satisfied?? If we have sex or do something a bit different and later I’ll say how good it was and next time why don’t we also try x, y or z... that was/is take as a criticism. I’ve explained that, if we driving back from a good holiday and saying what we enjoyed and already planning the next - why is that any different??

All I know is relationships are really, really complicated and two people never have the same perception of the same thing!

 

Thanks a lot your point of view, nade me think a lot. In my case, I think that I will just keep focusing on her needs And talking with her more. As she noticed that I behave better without masturbation and I told her last week about the existence of chastity device. .. Now I think I Will just have to wait, put chastity aside and work more on our relation.

More happy She Is, the more relaxed She will be = more open to new things

 

I would say if it’s used as a fun game, then you both compromise, or neither of you play. That’s just my opinion, I’m a bit more giving with all this on the subs side if it’s a fun game a couple uses to play around. I’m a bit more on the side of the dom when it comes to lifestyle play...either she’s in charge or she isn’t.

Many are super strict with the dom always being “right” but in my opinion, if nobody budges, nobody is happy, and in game mode the point is to have fun and be turned on.

 

Cooking, cleaning and caring for kids does not make for a happy marriage. When the kids grow and move on all that will be left is the two of you. Couples need to prioritize their relationship above all else. If a woman does not want to be with her man intimately then we choose. Is it enough? Where do I go from here? Is this all life has to offer. I can not imagine a life where the one I love and give everything to has no desire to be with me. Nor do they desire to even listen, hear and respond to my needs. We can not control the behaviour of others, we can somewhat influence and manipulate that behavior but ultimately we can only control ourselves. This like everything else in life presents a choice. Is it enough, am I willing to compromise what I want. From here all we can do is choose a path forward.

 

I don't agree at all. When I read this thread I hear frustration, pain, loneliness even anger. This isn't about a couple weighing their chores. Who does more, who carries a greater of the work load. This is about talking and truly being heard on both sides. This isn't about a FLR or who is calling the shots. A FLR in my world only works when a relationship is held in the highest regard, nurtured so as to flourish. Chastity, kink anything and everything we talk about on this site is best when communication and mutual respect is present. Cracks in the foundation present when communication erodes.

 

I was married once before, and the things I’ve learned is staggering. Sometimes it may make no sense, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter who was right or more right. Being justified certainly doesn’t bring happiness.

Did you know that women can physically hear one thing, yet be able to say “I know that’s what you said but that’s not what I heard”? They can also say “fine” when asked if everything is ok, and apparently everything is not ok. They can also say that their sex drive is all but gone, yet find the libido to masterbate. Weird huh?!

I found out that a general dissatisfaction with me, not remembering to caulk the tub, not bringing a dish back, working a lot and not being there, leads to an overall not interested in being sexual near me. It wasn’t any one particular thing, nothing she could call out as a reason for being upset without looking silly. Nevertheless, she was upset, and sex or intimacy with me was not on her mind. No huge blunder, no smoking gun or act of betrayal, just general dissatisfaction.

Instead of really finding out why, instead of making sure a dialogue happened, I waited her out. I was used to no sex, and the silent treatment had its benefits. Resentment built on both sides, soon the only thing we had to talk about was our child.

My next marriage I worked on communication, so any sex issues were discussed right away instead of festering. If the tub didn’t get caulking we are ok, and there is no snowballing.

Communication is the single most valuable tool in marriage, chastity helps communication, but without really talking, chastity is useless.

 

@Nicoftime I completely agree that communication - listening and talking and listening - is essential. Resentment does build when the couple are wrapped up in other tasks and start thinking that the other side doesn't want them anymore. And instead of talking it out they harbour this resentment and look for an excuse to ignore their partner's needs.

Sometimes it leads to the end of a relationship; sometimes the couple manages to salvage their relationship. But they need to keep the communication lines open all the time and not be afraid to tackle the 'delicate' topics, however hard those may be.

 

It is amazing how we all come from different places in life.
One thing is sure: If your wife isn’t happy, NOBODY’s happy. People, all of us, really are responsible for our own happiness.
Wanting for your wife to play the chastity game is actually 2 to 3 steps distant from happy. Not to worry as it can (and does) turn on a dime.
Stress, whether it is from overwork, physical or mental disease, finances, a problem with just about anything, is most often a libido killer. No libido, No sex, intimacy, smiles, and certainly no chastity or other games lovers play.
There is also the possibility that there are entrenched beliefs by one party that chastity or any other lovers’ game is either weird or a total turn-off.
So how does any marriage survive? Hope, luck, waiting for the tide to turn - take your pick.
One way is to be clean. That is not to say not to get dirty. Just be sure to clean yourself very well. Another is to compliment your partner when you observe something that you really admire. Be helpful. If your partner likes it, run your fingers through her or his hair like a finger comb. If it is met with Positive response, do it again. Sometimes when your partner is totally being negative, give them some space. Sometimes it is honestly and truly appropriate to ask, “What has crawled into your ass and died?” The real trick to make this work is to ask the question and then shut up and really listen. If the problem is yourself, repeat the answer back to your partner and if you can see a way to make changes, state that you will make that change.
Since we are in these long-term relationships, there must be a common thread that acts as glue. That thread is sexuality for us. That thread is also humor. That thread is KNOWING that your partner has your back and the other way around. That thread is tolerance. Sometimes it is as simple as buying her one of those $5 bouquets at the grocery store and arranging it by cutting the stems, picking a few things like green leaves or whatever looks good and adding to the bouquet.
This one is going to sound weird: Sometimes your mate is pushing you away sexually and the truth is that she is just damn horny and needs a good fuck.
The trick is you have to try to figure it out and any or none of the above mentioned is true. Sometimes you will get it totally wrong. sometimes you will figure it all wrong and it will turn out right.
We have been married 48 years on May 19. I still cannot figure her out but I continue to engage her. I think that is the right thing to do. I do know that she hasn’t left and I hope she will stay.
I just know that it is not all peaches and cream. It is always a dance. What would either of us know? We married when we were teenagers!
Ss

 

Amen! (Bold emphasis above is mine.) I have put up with this for so long, taking care of my own needs, while burying the resentment, that after several years of very open and candid conversation, we're at a stalemate. Many say, "Fix the relationship, and don't worry about the kink," but the idea of destroying a family, finances, decades-long friendships, and starting over at nearly sixty, is an intimidating decision to face. Especially when you really need something your life-partner either cannot, or will not, give you. I empathize strongly with the OP, but have no answers. Blowing-up my world for sexual satiety feels incredibly selfish, so do I simply live the rest of my life dissatisfied and resentful? It's a conundrum for which there are no easy or painless answers. My very best wishes to all who face this dilemma!

 

I can't like this response it doesn't seem right. I hear you as I hear all that have shared. I agree with you and I too feel the pain this thread evokes. Best wishes to all.

 

I understand what you mean. I 'liked' this comment to offer support and to show he's not alone in his plight. I'm fully behind every word of the highlighted sentence. Even though I'm not the one in chastity I ended up with no intimacy for a very long time and while I didn't see sex as the key factor in our relationship its absence was causing a rift in our marriage. The lack of interest in me caused me to lose interest in my husband - or, to be more precise, it caused me to stop showing interest because I got nothing in return. I felt that what was important to me (intimacy) was of no consequence to my partner, so I felt that I was being of no consequence as well because my needs were ignored. It'll take time and effort to rectify the situation but I hope it works if we BOTH are putting time and effort into it because we BOTH want to restore intimacy in our marriage.