How much control does your KH actually have?

So sorry to hear that! How long has it been? How have you adjusted to living in an FLR to having to live / survive on your own? Have you reached a place to start pursuing a new relationship? Is there anything you would do differently now?

 

I’d prefer to keep the exact time private, but it’s been long enough that I’m not in the deepest parts of grief anymore.

The first year was insanely hard. Not particularly because it was an FLR as such, but because we were so close that the loss was super acute.

I’m definitely not in a place to start a new relationship. I’ve had quite a few women express interest, although not all of them knew I was a widower, and none seemed to be looking for an FLR as such. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, nor do I know whether I can be in an FLR again. I can imagine wanting to be close to someone again, but I can’t imagine anyone measuring up to my wife in doing an FLR.

I wouldn’t do anything differently, other than be more paranoid about testing for cancer.

 

I'm glad to see you back here with us, and glad you are sharing with us about your loss. Your love for your wife is beautiful and heart warming.

 

Im so sorry to hear that...my wife also died of stage IV Colon Cancer, late diagnosed and she fought for 3 long years with the best of treatment...

Im left looking after our young son, even after the grief its still just tragic..

 

I’m also so sorry to hear about your wife too. My wife was trying to get pregnant when she was diagnosed, and I feel that loss acutely both for me and that she didn’t get to have that.

I can only imagine how tragic it feels for you. There really is no way to describe this experience to someone who hasn’t gone through something similar.

 

My wife has 100% control over my orgasms and my "free willy" time - which is zero by the way, as is the orgasm count for the last 11 months since she accepted permanent chastity and orgasm denial was what we needed.

Our relationship has grown hugely - we have more respect for each other and I have become to be a better person in all areas of my life but especially in my care for her and her desires. We have a great sex life and despite me being the only one not getting to climax, neither of us would go back to the way it was before.

Having said that - I was the one that gave up control, I am the one that willingly accepts the rules she imposes and I am the one that accepted her dominance in the bedroom - this is was what I truly desired and she has come to love that control and shift of power and it has made her more confident and her strength in keeping the dynamic and power shift is wonderful to see.

Despite that being the case, if I truly wanted to stop this - she would - and so who is in control?

The bottom line though is that if I did - our relationship would degrade into a really bad space and would likely not survive. I can say this with confidence as where we have come to over the last 11 months has been amazing for us both, and she has made it clear to me - she will not accept the way it was before, again.

So even though it was and remains primarily my choice - I won't break our agreement and lose what we have built, what we experience and the love and trust that has been built by living this way. I actually never want to go back myself and even this morning spooning in bed I "jokingly" said to her - so in a month we at a year, then we can stop, and she "not so jokingly" said that me being locked up won't change for the next 5 years (and that's if you lucky).

 

My wife ( we've been married 31 years) has total and complete control. Since we started our FLM journey about 11 years ago, our lives have drastically changed. I'm now her cuckold and I'm in "permanent" chastity. I'm released every two weeks for shaving/cleaning but even then I'm not allowed to touch myself. She completes the tasks and locks me back up. She has a committed boyfriend and she won't allow me to have sex with her or anyone else. The last orgasm I had was in April, and it's very possible I may never have another. About two years ago we transferred all assets into her name only: cars, house, investments-everything. My pay is direct deposited into a joint account and she immediately transfers the funds to her single account except for my allowance. I have accepted this willingly; I could have stopped at anytime but I accepted and embraced my place in our lives.

 

My Queen has total control if she wants it. I have given her the control, but she has yet to take it fully. Will she ever go 100%, I don’t know, but she can if she wishes.

 

not how it is for me! I am locked because I’m attracted to and in love with a female friend who doesn’t return my feelings, has no sexual interest in me and does not want me masturbating. The chastity is not “forced” but it is a condition of our continued friendship now she knows my feelings.
My chastity is therefore absolute and permanent for as long as I want her in my life. She understands how my mind and emotions work so has no doubt I will do as she says without need of proof. I’m not even allowed to have fantasies - clearly she wouldn’t know what I’m thinking but she does understand that if I fantasised about her it would feel to me like a betrayal of her and ruin everything so I just suffer quietly.
What she gets out of it is an attentive and useful pet man. What I get is having her in my life plus freedom from the guilt I used to feel that I was secretly masturbating about my friend, knowing she’d be disgusted if she knew.

 

incidentally you might have seen that throughout my life I’ve had many pretty extreme BDSM relationships and fantasies. In all of those cases I was basically “topping from the bottom” and getting what I wanted. In this relationship I get nothing sexual, it’s relentlessly frustrating, the reward I get is simply the emotional one of having finally been contained and mastered by a woman who has no inclination whatsoever to pander to me. It’s the most extreme submission of my life.

 

I'm glad somebody resurrected this thread. It's an interesting topic.

I think Lucy is right about the way a lot of men approach chastity, and femdom in general.

However, I think in a marriage (or equivalent) where emotions and practicalities prevent the man from walking away, structural factors hand control to the woman.

For a start, unless the wife is a happy service top, the submissive husband knows that if he makes things too difficult, then the kink may go away for good. That's a strong incentive to take the rough with the smooth.

Then you've got that thing that humans are simple creatures and on a monkey level can't tell what's a game and what's real. That's why you get sportsmen getting into fistfights on the pitch, but also why, if you play slave to your wife for a year, it will stop being a game, especially if you feel you have to be obedient for fear of losing all the kink

Finally, there's a chance that she may prefer sex on her own terms, so you end up with a choice of too much kink or no kink and no sex.

Take Vinny's story, which he's posted about over the years. It's roughly:

Vinny's wife had a long term lesbian girlfriend, and the two of them let him be part of their intimacy as long as he remained perpetually chaste. The girlfriend enjoyed sadism at his expense, but didn't engage with him sexually, and - I think - the wife did erotic things to him in private, but didn't let him out of chastity. Age and health eventually broke up the triad, and now he's in retirement with just his wife and still doing male chastity.​

Taking it on face value - and taking a moment to sit with the profound envy we might feel - he sounds like he was in kinky heaven. However, how much control did or does he really have?

During the triad, he could have said no to the chastity and the sadistic girlfriend. However, that would have ended the triad: there'd be no reason to have him in the room, and good reasons not to.

The erotic things his wife continues to do to him; would they still be available if he refused chastity?

And, if he refused chastity, would lots of vanilla PIV be available?

So I think that in a relationship, the ability to withdraw remains real, but not increasingly costly.

 

Later this month we’ll celebrate our 32nd anniversary, we’ve always been equal partners in this marriage, we both have very high sex drives, and we got into kinky stuff right away in our marriage. I tried to be the dominant one as far as kink things but she was a reluctant submissive, then I found a cock cage four years ago and things really fell into place for both of us.
My Wife is a natural dominant we found out, I am a switch, and this has allowed me to live out a teen fantasy of being dominated by a woman sexually.
Once my Wife found her confidence and lost her guilt, she took over completely, everything about our sex life is decided by her.
Now the last 18 months especially, it’s been spilling more and more into “normal” life, becoming more of a WLM than just enforced chastity and sex life. Even pre-chastity I always tried to pamper her, always helped with the kids when they were younger, did at least half the chores etc. But now due to my forced early retirement, I’m now the house husband, our kids are grown, and I’m responsible for all housework, and my service to her has just naturally increased more and more. Our kids have noticed that something is different, they obviously don’t know what exactly it is, we’ve joked about it being like I’m a 50’s housewife now.
My Wife absolutely loves everything about living this way, she’s stopped my full orgasms for the rest of this year, last one was in the middle of June and I’ll only receive light ruins for the rest of ‘23 and we’ll discuss how to proceed for ‘24 at some point.
I don’t see my responsibilities easing up, but I don’t mind the way we’re living. I’m constantly horny for this girl I married at 18 years old, and still can’t get enough of being around her, and something like wrapping my arms around her little body has become almost orgasmic! And she is having 35-40 orgasms a month and loves being worshipped.
Perfection for both of us, but no doubt she’s the one in charge. It did take me a while to give up total control, to completely let go, I think that may be the toughest part in learning to actually live this way.

 

She has a huge amount of control. She doesn’t want all the control but would get it all if she did.