Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Sorry. Please excuse this very long post. I’ve used the act of writing and editing as an opportunity to reflect on all this and to get my thoughts straight.

I went over to Laura’s yesterday. I hadn’t previously spoken to her that much and this ‘project’ with My Pete has given us an excuse to get to know each other. We got on easily and seem to have plenty to chat about. I asked her about her domme history and she said it was never a ‘commercial thing’ (I hadn’t even thought of that possibility!) but something she’d enjoyed with successive boyfriends (and ‘one or two of their friends and at clubs’) in her twenties and early thirties. She said she thinks of herself as ‘domme-ish’. She said that the last time we’d talked about it, I had mentioned the thrill of being in control of someone’s sexuality, especially if they were physically much more powerful than myself. She said that’s exactly how she had felt too.

After a while, we began to talk about me and My Pete and I showed her this blog and the responses here. She then spent a good while reading through everything. She was massively complimentary and said that with this sort of experimentation and advice, I didn’t need her and that she’d learned a lot from reading it all!! But I said there was a big difference being able to talk to another woman who’s ‘been there-done that’, in real life, and with tea or wine!

She said that having read the blog and especially the ‘principles’, [https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...-and-relax-here-goes.46030/page-5#post-525299] she understood our boundaries about feminisation, pain etc but suggested talking through the rest. I took some notes.

The first thing she asked was, “Are you both enjoying this?” I said I definitely am - that I’m exploring a side of me that I’ve never really given a proper airing before and that I was finding it thrilling and erotic. And I said that he’d repeatedly told me he was enjoying our journey too, although it sometimes makes him uncomfortable. She pointed out that discomfort – not chafing but other kinds of discomfort – were probably very appealing to him. She said that having spoken to him last night, even briefly, she thought he felt the same way as I did.

Then she asked, “Where do you want to go with this? Where does he want to go?” Talk about getting straight to the point!

We talked quite a lot about what it was that I think I want and what I think he wants. I told her about loving the feeling of control over such an intimate aspect of him and that he’d said he likes the feeling of relinquishing responsibility and finds that erotic too.

She asked me if I wanted him to be submissive. I said yes, but I’m not sure how submissive or what proportion of the time. I said that I want to take the lead sexually, and that I suppose I do want him to depend on me for sex and look to me rather than to himself (or anyone else) for sexual leadership. Part of me, and I’m not proud of this, fantasises about the idea of ‘owning’ him and I have had the odd fantasy about him being unavailable to others, or even incapable with anyone else. I said that for me, the chastity lock was about ensuring that unless he had permission otherwise, he could only have erections with me. But I said I was a bit unsure about all of this. She asked if I thought he wanted to be submissive, and I said he probably felt similarly unsure too. But I said that it was mainly about giving over sexual leadership to me, rather than him losing confidence in himself. I said that while I wanted him to be submissive in some ways, I found it very exciting to have him be like a big dog on a leash but that sometimes I might want him to manhandle me a bit or take charge. She suggested this was something we should explore more to see where our boundaries and desires are. She said that spelling out to him that I want him to take charge for a while, is still a very powerful thing for me to do, because in the end I would still be in control.

Laura, who is a lawyer, said she thought I was in a bit of a tangle about the extent of control I really want and that I should think about just what kind of assertiveness I want, and that he wants, and consider how much we want this to spill over into other aspects of our life. I said that I still wanted him to take the lead in other things we do and to be able to be forceful and disagree with me in other aspects of our life. She said that taking control of someone’s sexuality is powerful stuff and not to be surprised if there is some ‘spillover’, whether we plan it or not.

Then we moved on to more practical stuff. She said that one of the most important things was for the person taking the lead to be consistent in being the leader, to reinforce that frequently and try not to do things to undermine it. She said that that this wasn’t just about sending a consistent message to him, but also about settling myself into the role allowing me to become more confident so that I’m easily in the role and my reactions in that role become automatic rather than requiring thought.

She felt that I needed to understand that there were times in my sexual life when I was now on stage. And in the same way that you don’t want actors to break the spell at the theatre, I might want to think about when to be the communicative, self-questioning, tentative Sal and when I needed to be a more confident actress, especially in the bedroom. She said that this would sometimes intrude on me being able to just forget everything and be in the moment, but as I gained confidence, that would come too. She repeated a lot of things that people on this forum have also said – that I can at least experiment with being more confident in taking the lead, and that he will probably be excited by anything that he thinks excites me. She said I would be surprised at just how compliant he would be and might surprise myself about how much I enjoy the role as I become more confident.

I said that one of the things holding me back was my fear that it would break the spell if I asked My Pete to do something he didn’t want to do. What if he just said ‘no’? She said that she thought that was unlikely, because we’d already discussed and agreed our ‘principles’ but she also suggested that if this were to happen then I could say something like, “I can’t say that I’m happy about that. I’ll let it pass for the moment, but we’ll return to it later.” That way he would know I’m still in charge but the decision would be postponed, or if necessary, forgotten about.

She said I already had a lot of the right ideas about frequent psychological reinforcement. She noted that we both enjoyed cnfm - me being clothed, him naked or partially so, or at the very least me being in control of what we’re wearing. She said to remember that I didn’t have to dress in sexy lingerie all the time, although that was a great way to drive him nuts when I wanted to, but wearing quite formal business outfits while he’s partly undressed, is a real powerplay. Or having him standing while I’m sitting. She suggested that I might play with height, given that I’m tall anyway, and wear heels which add to height as well as being sexy, or have him sit on the floor sometimes. She said that constantly reminding him that I was in control of the key was a good idea. When we’re out, I might make sure it’s visible to him and touch it occasionally. She said that she very much approved that when I make requests, I give myself extra authority by asking him to do such-and-such a thing, for me. I was pleased to be able to tell her it was she who had given me that advice and I was enjoying following it! She also approved of me weaving innocuous trigger words into normal conversation, especially when we were with other people and the way I’ve learned to rest my hand on the cage (our cage!) from time to time.

She asked what things seemed to be the special little squirmy switches that flip for him and for me. I mentioned the obvious moments when I just said ‘no’, when he was expecting a ‘yes’. I said I loved holding the cage and leading him by it to the shower and that I enjoyed that I even controlled the way he now had to sit down to pee. And we talked about the whole anal thing and where we’d got to. She asked lots of questions about that and felt that if I asked him whether he’d experimented with the lube his friend had given him, and if the answer was at the very least ‘yes’, then I could assume he might want to experiment further. She suggested that once that was established, if I felt especially ‘assertive’, I could ask him to lube himself, as if he were about to be penetrated, or ask him to insert a finger while I stimulate him elsewhere, creating a pleasant association.

I said that when he’d been bad once, I’d left him very exposed bent over the sofa, while I invited a neighbour into the kitchen next door to potter about looking at jam jars. He said he’d found that very erotic, but especially so when I returned (after the neighbour had gone!) and I had put a hand on the small of his back and left it there for a good half a minute, then reached round him to check if it was hard. He said that he'd felt that was totally assertive and very arousing indeed. Laura suggested that I might want to make more of his inspections to include that sort of scenario, and that he seemed, like every man she’d ever met, to have a ‘mental weak spot’ about getting hard, staying hard, and being watched or checked. She told me most dommes know how to make the most of that.

She said that the chastity cage gave me control over his erections and orgasms when he was wearing it. She said that was very powerful but still limited. I was able to prevent him from getting hard or coming. But I should remember that having him in chastity, combined with the other things I do, also gives me control over his sexuality and his sexual responses even when he’s not wearing the cage. The cage is just one tool. She said that I’d already discovered that edging him was very controlling, as was having him edge himself and giving him instructions. That’s an obvious one. But I’d also found the power of just watching and waiting until he wilts. She said that will be a complete mindfuck for him because half of him is trying to be manly and hard but the other half of him knows that actually I enjoy watching him soften and am aroused by that. So he wants to soften for me, but at the same time he finds the idea of doing this for me exciting and arousing. And all the time I’m watching him. She suggested I experiment a lot with this to find out what’s most fun. She said to try blindfolding, or different things I could try saying. She said arousing him was easy but in time, with the right rewards, she said I might be able to get him to soften on command, or at least, much more quickly than he does now. She said that this was a really special kind of control and extremely humiliating (in an exciting way) for a man and given what I’d told her, would probably be something that would excite me a lot too.

She said that having control over my ‘animal on a leash’ was obviously a thrill but she asked me if we’d ever played with a real leash? She explained that I could give quite a strong tug on a leash attached to the ring of the chastity cage without hurting him, but psychologically it might have impact and be a turn-on for us both.

Going back to the sofa/jamjar scenario, I mentioned that he seemed to feel especially vulnerable and awkward from behind, especially if he is kneeling, when his dangly bits are exposed. We laughed at what has always felt like a male design fault and she said that she thought all men probably feel vulnerable that way. She said that I could use that vulnerability very easily and that when he’s uncaged, I could tie, or get him to tie, a loop of cord or ribbon or a little adjustable leather strap, snugly around just his balls. Then loop the leash through that strap and behind him, so now just his balls are on a leash. She said that in her experience this could be a lot of fun and extremely controlling but for goodness sake, don’t tug too hard because I could much more easily hurt him this way. It’s the knowledge that I could hurt him which is psychologically so powerful because he would have to trust me not to. The combination of fear and arousal and unpredictability might be wonderful for us both, she thought. She said this would be worth trying with him walking around the flat, or on all fours and if there was any back-of-the-mind worry about being seen or discovered, that would amplify his feelings.

She said the psychological impact of just a very short session with his balls on a leash could last some time. I asked her in what way? She said that just now he is happy to respond to me taking the lead – he undoubtedly finds it a turn-on, both in itself and because it excites me. But there are things that I could do that might change his response from being one where he thinks ‘do I like this or not?’ to being a reflex. She thought that his immediate response to my simple pat on the head might become a reflex. Or just responding to commands, say to remove clothes, or fetch his cage etc. And for My Pete, having his balls on a leash once in a while might be one of those things that makes him more susceptible or more open to all the other little tricks, enabling them to become reflexes. She said that making his actions into reflexes is a whole other dimension and it’s something we both may, or may not, want. When the responses become reflexes, Laura said that they are more likely to spill over into other aspects of our lives, not just the bedroom, and we need to be aware so we can either encourage that, or stop if we’re uncomfortable. I said again that I only wanted that leadership in the bedroom – not in other areas of our life. She suggested we make that very explicit to each other, if we haven’t already. (I think we have)

I also told her about my attempts to associate other parts of his body with excitement, and she suggested that as part of what I call the consequences of his mistake this weekend, I could ask him to buy some things, perhaps in a real store rather than with the stress-free anonymity of online, that would set him thinking and would tell me a lot about his boundaries, and mine. She said that if there was anything he really hated or found offensive, then I could tell him it had all been Laura’s idea but why not ask him to buy a set of training butt plugs, some nipple clamps, maybe a small cane of some sort, and a leash and some adjustable leather straps that would fit his balls? If he complains, I only need say that they were Laura’s suggestion and that we’ll probably never need them but they would be good to have around in the back of a cupboard (and definitely in the back of his mind) in case he strays again. She asked me if I had ever caned him and I said no (although he had caned me several times, back when we first knew each other – my we’ve come a long way since then!) and that neither of us had brought it up. She said that it was something to spring on him if he’s been really bad, maybe just a single stroke while he’s bent over in a vulnerable way, if nothing else to gauge his reaction, but above all else, not to hit his balls by accident, if he dangles that way.

I mentioned that he had been reluctant to make any suggestion about what the consequence should be of his recent ‘misdemeanour’. She suggested that I give him the option of substituting any one item from the list, or adding to the list, and said that might tell me a lot about where his boundaries are. Once he’s gone and acquired everything, she suggested I could lay them out in front of him and ask him (kindly, gently) to ask why he’d made his particular choice.

I mentioned his sensitivity about size (she just laughed and said ‘well, who isn’t?’!), and how I’d inadvertently called him ‘little’. I told him that it was in the context of giving him a slightly schoolboyish dressing down, so I’d hoped he’d interpreted it that way as in reality he was neither especially small nor big. I told her I like it just the way it is! She said he would definitely have clocked it, because men always do, but he might have interpreted it either way. I could just reassure him, from time to time, unless I intentionally wanted to undermine his confidence. Then she looked me straight in the eye and asked me, “Actually, what do you feel about undermining his confidence?” I had to think about that. At first the answer seemed easy - of course I don’t want to undermine his confidence, certainly not by making comments about his size or performance. That sounds negative and horrible. But she reminded me that I said I enjoyed the feeling of power to make him shrink as well as grow, and that I fantasised about him being incapable without me. She said that was not a million miles from undermining his confidence. Something I need to think about.

I also mentioned his reaction to being measured and examined and the possibility of another person joining me for that. I asked her if as a special surprise one day she might be that person, but she just said, “Probably not a good idea. We’ll see.” She said that the advice I’d had to tie his hands out of the way and to splay his legs during measuring was very good. Most men instinctively bring their legs together when they’re trying to stay hard, and he’ll be desperate to touch himself to make it as big as possible for my tape measure! Measuring him when he’s softened a little will be a nice little game. He’s bound to point out that you’re not measuring the maximum and you can say that we’re only checking that it hasn’t shrunk – it’s not that important. If he answers back (he will) I should just ambiguously say, “It’s fine”.

She asked me how I felt about the whole ‘project’ as I call it. I said I found it difficult to maintain the façade of confidence. She said that would just come with practice. “If necessary, rehearse your lines!” I said that I sometimes feel guilty when he’s denied and I’m not. She told me that I should just cope with that guilt, or set it aside because he would enjoy me being excited.

I said that one of the hardest things to deal with was that I missed having him inside me but at the same time I also enjoyed having him be desperate and denied, so I didn’t necessarily want to allow him to come either. I asked how she thought I could deal with this predicament. She asked how I would feel about asking him to use a dildo on me, but I said that I liked having the ‘real him’ inside me. She said it was at least worth trying once. I reminded her that someone on the forum had suggested numbing-cream in a condom, which would mean I would feel him inside me but he wouldn’t be able to come. She said by all means add some to the shopping list, but she had two bits of advice. First, put it on with gloves and ideally get him to do it, remembering it takes a while to have an effect and take a while to wear off, and definitely avoid getting any on me! Second, and much more importantly, she said she’d talked about numbing cream with others and had tried it herself, and she knew that being unable to come was very upsetting for some men. She said the first man she’d done this with had started crying! She felt that it was on a par with having a man wear a strap-on and be required to ‘peg’ the woman while he was still caged, or being ‘pegged’ himself, which is about as ‘receptive’ and ‘submissive’ as a man could ever be. She recommended only trying any of these if we’d properly discussed these things and he knew that they were just an experiment that either of us could decide to terminate!

She said the other side of the coin from preventing, or massively delaying him, having an orgasm is to play on men’s concerns about coming prematurely. She said that men who’ve been in cage for a while do tend to come more easily than they had been used to before. She said that as I’ve already discovered, that’s easily solved, if I want, by giving him a quick orgasm, letting him recover and then having more activity later in the day. But if I wanted to be mischievous, I could unlock him and play with it a bit more intensely than is necessary just to get him hard. Then when he’s properly aroused and desperate I can tell him that know he'll come very quickly when he’s inside me. If that message is repeated, apparently it becomes self-fulfilling. The more I tell him I expect he’s probably going to come easily, the more excited he gets, which makes him even more likely to lose control. She said that I could make it even more likely if I said it would excite me if he does lose control completely. But when he does come, she said that my reaction at that point is terribly important. If I say how much it excites me that he comes so quickly, that’s one thing. But if I express disappointment, that’s something very different and could be unnecessarily cruel and upsetting, at least in our dynamic.

I said, we’d talked about delaying his orgasm or speeding it up, but several people had suggested ruined orgasms as something to try. She said that they can be great fun (!) but again, my reaction would be very important. For some men it can be extremely humiliating in a way that is just upsetting and unpleasant so she suggested that at least the first time, we look on it as an experiment together with that part of him that’s ‘ours’ rather than ‘his’. And then maybe see if he can have ordinary sex together quite soon after. She said that the delay period before being able to have sex was shorter with a ruined orgasm, so he might feel quite good about himself getting hard so soon, and of course I could compliment him on that.

And then it was time for Laura to go off somewhere. The thing I felt was more helpful than anything was just the tone of our conversation – that this was normal and fun, and that we could make it work if we wanted to and could stop any time if we didn’t like it. I said that My Pete would know that Laura and I had had a conversation – although I wasn’t planning on telling him any detail! I said that he would find it embarrassing and awkward when we see her socially. She said, “Embarrassing, awkward and a huge turn-on, I can assure you! He and I didn’t talk for long, but your Pete is pretty easy to read”. Then it was time for me to go.

And that was my session with Laura.

Once again, sorry for the ridiculous length. It's a kind of therapy for me.

Sal.

 

Gosh! That's so sweet of you to say. Thank you! Sal.

 

Thank you. I've never asked him about porn because I just assume that all men look at porn sometimes and I just don't really want to know. On the masturbation front, I assume he did but the only thing that really got to me was finding out he played with himself next to me in bed while I was asleep. I don't really know why that should matter but it made me feel as if i just wasn't giving him what he needed. I know it's not like that, but it just felt a bit yucky. Anyway, we've put a stop to that. <grin>. Sal.

 

Yes, actually it is great to be able to talk to someone. Laura and I aren't really friends -more like acquaintances, which makes it a lot easier for me as it's more like seeing a therapist than a pal! Sal.

 

We had an evening in together, yesterday. Cooked together. Lovely long kiss and I asked him how he's coping with the project. He thanked me for sending him more messages than I did before and not forgetting him. He said that was exciting but also made him miss orgasms and erections a lot. He said the big change with this 'arrangement' was that he can't touch himself and get hard. He said that he probably missed that more than coming. All the while, he was looking at the key around my neck like an eager puppy looks at a ball! I asked him to undress for me (the cfnm thing again) and suggested I might unlock him for a while. I took the cage off, and the ring, and he stood there looking sheepish, gradually expanding. I asked him to keep his hands out of the way and I just sat on the edge of the bed looking at him.

I said that I had talked to Laura about him, as I had said I would and I thanked him for accepting that. I reassured him that she would be completely discreet. I also said I'd been thinking about a suitable 'consequence' for his recent misdemeanour and in connection with that I wanted him to do some shopping for me. He said we always shared the shopping and that him being a servant to me wasn't part of the deal. I told him that a trip to Sainsbury's wasn't what I had in mind. I gave him the list that I'd talked through with Laura, told him that I had discussed it with her, and asked him to read it aloud. My heart was completely thumping because I thought he might just refuse.
The list was; a short cane, a set of training butt-plugs, lidocaine delay cream, nipple clamps, a small, adjustable leather strap that could fit round his balls, a thin 2m leash.
He read them out - his voice was trembling but he obviously found it exciting as he remained quite hard.
I asked him to explain why I had (with Laura's help) put each one of them on the list. He was literally writhing and I asked him to stand still.
He said the short cane sounded like a punishment for his misdemeanour. I agreed. I could tell he wasn't at all happy about it.
He said the set of butt plugs were something he might practice with on his own. Agreed again.
He immediately understood the point of the anaesthetic cream and asked if it was to delay him coming. I said that was exactly it, although in normal circumstances, I would try to let him come quickly and naturally first, and then have sex together after that has calmed him down. The cream was there for when he'd done the wrong thing.
He thought the nipple clamps would arouse me and help me to come more easily. I told him they were for him, not for me!
He said he thought it was obvious what the strap and leash were for but I made him spell it out. I could tell he found it exciting.

I told him he could substitute any one item on the list. I already knew which one he would reject (the cane, I thought) but had no idea what he would put in its place. Sure enough, he rejected the cane (I'm just not ready for that", which was an odd turn of phrase, i thought, as it implied that he might want or accept that one day) but asked if he could think about the substitute item.

I said it would excite me if we went and bought these things from an adult store (we'll be in a town with a nice one this weekend), and I wanted him to do all the asking with the staff.

And that was that! We had a lovely long shower together. I washed it and shaved him and was about to ask him to put his cage back on, when I realised that what I really wanted was proper sex. I did exactly as Laura had said and told him he was going to come very quickly, which he did, and promised him another go later on, which we had. Really lovely. In between the two sessions, I did say that I'd love him to rethink about the cane as it wasn't fair that in the past he'd caned me a few times and I'd never had the chance to return the favour. I just left it at that.

I'm looking forward to our shopping trip tomorrow!

Sal

 

I forgot to mention was just how perfect it felt, following Laura's advice about telling him he was going to come very quickly. It did indeed become self-fulfilling. I could tell that the more I emphasised it, the more excited he became and the less able to hold back. I'm not sure whether this was me 'giving him permission' to let go, or whether what I was saying was making him more and more excited, but either way I felt i was taking control and it was a huge turn-on. Afterwards he said to me that he loved it because it was exciting in itself, and because it took away any anxiety he might have had about losing control. I just reassured him that i love taking the responsibility! Sal

 

I know, I know. I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about that. But I'm not sure our 'principles' have changed too much. Sal

 

That's such a lovely compliment, thank you - and to the others who have suggested it. I used to do some technical writing, which has maybe made me think about words a bit more than I otherwise would. But I'm afraid writing a book is definitely not for me - My Pete and I both need to be confidential and I just know that wouldn't be possible if I published a book. And one other thing - I really don't think my experiences or writing are special enough, but thanks again for the thought! Sal.

 

He's out for the day.

We were all ready to go to town yesterday with the shopping list but sadly we had a bit of a domestic argument in the morning and there was a rail strike which tipped the balance into not going. Our argument was about nothing in particular and it had all blown over by the evening. It felt like every other minor tiff that we have occasionally, as does every other couple. But while we were having it, I did keep thinking about our 'project' and the fact that he was wearing his cage, and I couldn't help thinking that he would be thinking about this as well. Having both agreed we didn't want the chastity thing to spill over into the rest of our lives, or for him in any way to try to be more 'agreeable', it did make me wonder.

I couldn't help thinking that it must have been difficult for us each to express and explain our anger equally in that situation, knowing that I knew he was caged, which is a very unequal arrangement! I suddenly feel a bit wobbly and like I have a lot to process and I need to find the right time to talk with him - probably when it's uncaged for a while.

I'd be grateful for any advice but please, not 'just tell him to deal with it' - that's just not us.

Sal