Complicated start

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were trying to explain something, and if there were two ways of taking it and one of them upsets the person you were talking to, then you meant the other way? I just had the most horrendous ever episode of that.

I tried to explain to my wife how I felt last night, how I felt today, and tried to ask her just to give me some help getting through this. Somehow I just managed to completely alienate her and upset her so much that I have a horrible feeling this is now over. I blamed myself, said it was nothing to do with her, but no matter what I said I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself.

She refused point blank to actually tell me what I said to upset her so I have no idea what I have done.

 

I have no idea. I just know that whatever hole I dug last night was a big one.

Basically I told her that while the physical wearing of the chastity device was easy the mental side of it wasn't. I am going through some psychological issues and there are days where I get little or no indication that she is involved in this. I said I understood that we are both really busy but all I need is a few seconds, a quiet query as to how things are going. I told her that despite this I really want to continue, that I want to work through these changes.

Anyway I have hardly slept, my mind is going around in circles trying to work out what I said that had such a huge impact.

 

Thanks @Caged Wolf - I was reading Ivey Green's A Keyholder's guide and was about to give it to my wife. Unlike a few other books I have looked at Ivey's seems much more in tune with reality. If I can manage to get her to look at it then I will definitely be getting the setting up an FLR as well.

I will just have to wait and see what happens when she gets in from work tonight, or over the next few days.

 

Thanks @Colleen1986 - that is exactly the sort of comment that has made me try to get my wife to look at this forum. The support means a lot.

@Cottus. True. Not that my wife is a horse, you understand!

I am doing stinky jobs like giving the oven a deep clean as a peace offering, also technical jobs she hates like setting up our better TV that just came from England. Hopefully her day out of the office with some student nurses will have cheered her up as well. I mean, who doesn't like student nurses!?

 

I swear I will never understand women as long as I live.

My wife came home from work and apologized for reacting so badly last night!!! Apparently it was because since we started the chastity exploration I keep asking her to tell me what turns her on, and that makes her really uncomfortable! I was desperate that this was going to be a channel to helping her discover her own ways of enjoying sex, not knowing that she was feeling like she was being backed into a corner.

I told her that the only thing she had to apologize for was not telling me to shut up sooner. Now I know how she feels I can honestly promise I will never do it again.

In an unexpected twist to the story I don't have to. Because we got on so well when she got home I told her about the Ivey Green Keyholders guide book I bought on Kindle. I asked her just to read the preface and maybe part of the first chapter. If she didn't like it then I wouldn't push it. She read the entire chapter. Then she told me that I was being a hypocrite asking her what she wants and now I'm not allowed to do it again!

I don't have words to describe how I feel right now. Relieved, elated, confused, happy, bouncy, scared, all squished into a ball and shook up into some new emotional peak.

Even better was she let me wash her in the shower and then give her a back massage that ended up in the normal way. I do like the way she tastes when she gets excited.

 

I am soooooo relieved! I honestly thought I had done something pretty awful. I had in a way, but only through ignorance, not malice or anything. Roller Coaster is a good description of the emotions I am going through!

 

She was genuinely upset @Caged Wolf , she just needed time to process what had upset her. It is ironic though if you think about it, I had upset her by wanting to know what she wanted! I think in the first chapter of a Keyholders guide Ivey Green talks about how society has not provided women with the necessary psychological tools to deal with chaste men and their needs. In this case I think something along the line has actually caused psychological issues for my wife.

I am hugely relieved we are still doing this, I thought that I had really messed things up.

 

This emotional roller coaster ride is the most turbulent thing I have ever been through. When I first mentioned the idea of chastity to my wife I never expected to go through all the trials I have since then, and we are still in the very early stages of working out exactly what we are doing.

The thing is I expected this to just be a minor change in our relationship. My wife laughed when she got to the bit in Ivey Green's A Keyholder's guide preface, that talked about how society sees men as having to be the king of their castle and providers to their family. I have never been an alpha male, even when I was the head of a department in charge of other people I led by mutual consent and example, not by ordering people around. I was respected and people did follow me but if a real alpha male had ever been put under me they could have wreaked havoc.

My Wife on the other hand is very used to ordering people around and has done so for the majority of her career. I am not going to go into specifics but she has been expected to lead others in high stress risky environments where people's lives depended on the choices she made. Her job now while less to do with immediate life or death choices still involves coordinating large groups of people to make important decisions. I am immensely proud of her, and know I could never do what she does.

So why these emotional explosions? There has been more than one since I started this journal and there were several before I started. Each time we come out the other side still intact. At the time I do feel like it is the end of everything, I have done something to ruin everything. I think it is another sign that my Wife is definitely in this fully. She would not put up with these episodes if she did not feel that the investment was not worth it.

I wonder if she will want to read chapter 2 of A Keyholder's guide tonight? I suppose I am not allowed to suggest it any more...

 

That you did Jemima. In fact it has worked out better than OK!

Last night I was sat with my Wife watching TV (NCIS, her favourite program apart from Bones) when she reminded me that one of my tasks for the day was to find some photographs on my computer to have printed for her mother for Christmas. I admitted that I had forgotten to do it and as I was tired asked if I could do it tomorrow. I carried on thinking about it though and decided to just go and get it done. I did as she requested and ordered two framed prints before going back to sit with her again.

When we went to bed she got undressed and did not put on any pyjamas. Normally this means we are going to have a shower and maybe do something, but this time she just did her normal bed time routine, cleaned her teeth and got into bed. I sleep in a different room so just as I was about to go I thanked her for the cuddle, in particular as we were both skin on skin, which always makes it nicer. Her response was that this was my reward for doing my task earlier in the evening. If I had not done it she was going to tell me to go to bed without a cuddle as a punishment!

If this is the change after she has only read chapter 1 of the Keyholders Guide to Male Chastity, what is going to be happening when she has finished the book?

I was even more elated as I went to bed than I had been the previous night when she let me give her a massage and pleasure her.

 

Today has been a good day. Busy, sorting our house out, shopping, walking the dog, buying a Christmas tree (Weinachtsbäum in German) posting Christmas presents. Best of all was the fact it was all spent with my wife. Second best of all was the few hours sleep I got while she watched a soppy Christmas movie. (All the late nights, disturbed sleep because of nocturnal erections and early starts finally caught up with me.)

I used my Saturday privilege to tell her I was really happy she had said what she did when we were cuddling last night, as it showed she was beginning to get into the role of keyholder I had asked her to take on. I also asked if she was interested in reading the rest of the Keyholders guide, which she does want to do. She has told me that she will let me know when she wants to read it though, I am not to ask her if she wants to.

 

I just wanted to thank you for this bit of advice. I have got the book on Kindle. It was ridiculously cheap that way and even if it does repeat some of the things she wrote in the Keyholders guide it should further help my Wife.