Complicated start

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by Jasmic68, Nov 16, 2015.

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  1. superchef08
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    superchef08 Junior Member

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  2. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Hello @superchef08 - did you forget to write something after quoting my first post? I am interested in hearing what you think.
     
  3. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Last night was a good night. It was the Christmas Function for the company my Mistress works for and she took me along to introduce me to everyone. Before we went we had a shower together. She let me out of my HTv2 to have a good clean, let me wash her back and washed mine. We lay on the bed for a while and I gave her a lower back massage to help with some pain she is being treated for at the moment. This developed the way that she likes it and for a while I was in heaven licking her bottom and pussy to an orgasm. It was nice being able to do it and not feel my erect penis being squeezed in my cage.

    We got dressed to go out and my Mistress told me to put on my metal Atticus device instead. I couldn't get the 45mm hinged ring to sit comfortably and as we were in a hurry I used the 50mm instead. It still felt good to have the weight of the metal device though. The best part though was my Mistress wore the key to the padlock on a necklace for the very first time. This was another big moment for me, it further demonstrated that she is happy for this to continue and happy for the direction we are taking with our relationship. I have taken a picture of her wearing the key but I think that will need her permission before I add it to my gallery. She might add it to her own if I can help her make her own account this weekend.

    The function was lovely and the people my Mistress works with were great. They know I have only just moved to live with her in Germany and they were asking me how I was getting on and whether she was keeping me in my place. I told them the truth in my own way. I told them she leaves me a list of tasks to do each day that are enough to keep me busy but to also leave me space to make my own mind up what to do. That she has given me until after Christmas to have a break from my job but that she expects me to have my application in before Christmas. There were laughs and comments from quite a few

    We talked a bit on the way home about general life stuff and a little bit about the device I was wearing, and how I was looking forward to getting a custom made device next year. At home she removed her makeup, unlocked my device, watched me put myself back into my HTv2, we kissed and went to bed.
     
  4. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Be careful what you wish for goes the tag line.

    I asked my wife if she thought me wearing a chastity device would help us get through some problems we were having at the end of the summer. She agreed but it took me until mid November to get a device that I could wear without needing constant access to the key. The moment she did take all of the keys things started to change in the way I felt, I began to realise more about what I had started though I have no idea where it will go. I had a few of these thoughts last night.

    At the function I drove so my Mistress could drink if she wanted. In the past this would have been negotiated. Who was the last person to drive, was the night out for anyone in particular. Now there was no negotiation even though it was my Mistress who was the primary reason for attending. I realised that it will quite possibly be my job to always drive from now on, and I was happy with that.

    Before we went, when we were lying on the bed, I looked at my erect penis after I had been pleasuring my wife with my tongue and fingers, and suddenly realised that there is a very good possibility that this is it, we will be doing this for the remainder of our relationship. I am going to be wearing a chastity device for the majority of the time only being allowed out at my Mistresses say so. This might be screamingly obvious to people who have been doing this for any length of time, and I could say the words, but the realisation hit me quite powerfully. A connected thought was that from now on I will never masturbate again unless I am told to by my Mistress. That is no small thing for a man to come to understand.

    The last thing was at the function when the evening got late, I suddenly realised that in the past I would have been making 'let's go' noises, This time I sat quietly while my Mistress talked to friends and waited for her to tell me it was time to go. A simple change I know, but I was happy waiting.

    I know I still have a long way to go but I do feel like we are progressing at a pace that will ensure we continue to grow into this.
     
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  5. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    Jasmic,
    Nice posts, and congratulations of how things are going for you both! Hope to see your Mistress on here soon.

    The realization of never masturbating without explicit permission ever again is a mind changer, as is the realization that what you have going is, at a minimum, the new normal life. I know there are ups and downs as both sort out their places and as Mistress settle into their new positions (it is a wild ride sometimes), but it really is a better life and a much happier one for all as it works itself out.

    I have had many of the same ques and thoughts you are having, and consider them to be check points, verifying that things are going according to plan and it's all good.

    May your Mistress and you find a smoother path than ours... i may be learning form you!
     
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  6. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Thank you @Caged Wolf - I would really like my Mistress on the forum as well. It would be fascinating to read her comments. Her private conversations would obviously remain tantalizingly private but I think they would help her as well. We shall see, we are potentially busy all weekend emptying boxes from the house move.

    I call the times I have significant thoughts or realizations click moments. I have been focusing so much on just getting used to wearing the chastity device that it had not occurred to me that I could very well be wearing one constantly from now on. That makes me feel so many things all at once, I don't even know where to begin unpicking them. Happy is the main emotion, so I am still in a mindset to continue. As for the masturbating again it had not fully sunk in that by giving my Wife the control and letting her become my mistress that those days are over. Again though I am more happy than upset by the idea.
     
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  7. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    It is Saturday, so I am allowed to start conversations about the changes in the relationship or the chastity exploration with my Mistress. This actually happened twice today, once early on when we were out walking our puppy and once this evening when we went to a beautiful German Christmas Market.

    The rest of the day has been really busy emptying boxes and tidying up from the delivery of our belongings from England, so no chance of anything happening.

    I managed to tell my Mistress that I am fully convinced that she is happy with the chastity exploration but I am looking to discuss how we can move things on. I mentioned that several people have asked whether she is going to join this forum and I really hope she does. I think talking to other women, even if they are from very different types of relationships than ours, could help her enormously. She isn't much into writing on forums though, something I have done extensively over the years.

    This evening I asked her what she would think if I suddenly said I didn't want to carry on. I was trying to find out if that wouldn't matter to her because I do think we see this in slightly different ways, with me treating this as a really important commitment. She said she would want to know why I wanted to stop, but wouldn't say much more. I'm happy that she wouldn't just give me the key and let me get on with it, and given how new this is I'm not surprised she wouldn't just say not on your life buster, your penis is mine!

    One thing did come up though that has left me feeling low after an otherwise good day. It isn't her fault, it is linked to why I am in chastity in the first place. We were discussing my attempt at a ruined orgasm a few weekends ago that didn't work very well. During it she was able to see my glans and the modification I have done to it. She is really unhappy about the mod and this really hurts me. There is nothing I can do to fix it, beyond going for plastic surgery which would still not make it look like it did before the changes.

    Right now I would happily lock myself away for ever and just forget about the other sides to male chastity that I hoped would one day develop. She assures me that she still loves me, that we can work through her issues, and I do believe and trust her, completely, utterly. The problem is what I have done will never go away. She isn't one day going to wake up neutral about it, let alone thinking it is wonderful, why doesn't she tie me down and finish it off for me!

    Oh, how I wish I had discovered chastity in August, before I started the irreversible.
     
  8. Colleen1986
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    Colleen1986 Long term member

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    Spraying into the condom is really good advice. Should cut down on mess and unwanted exposure.
     
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  9. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    I think my Mistress understands the mess my head is in. I was really unhappy last night and went to have a bath to cheer myself up. It gave me time and space to think about what I am doing (and bubbles, mustn't forget the bubbles!) She let me out of my device so I could have a proper clean and we had a chat about why I was struggling with her problem (basically I am stuck in a loop where I cannot do anything about what I have done and cannot undo what I have done and cannot help her get over what I have done.)

    We normally sleep in separate bedrooms, have done for years, but for the last two nights she has let me sleep with her. It was such a nice gesture, The first night I was kept locked up but last night she let me stay out of my device so I could let my genitals relax. As much as the HTv2 is comfortable it is still noticeably there all the time. This has meant that I slept through until my alarm went off for the first time in weeks, no 4am pee. It also means that she was showing that she trusts me. That means a huge amount.

    While we were having our chat in the bathroom she told me that if our relationship had been in any sort of difficulty when I modified my glans that would probably have been the final straw. I have to really try hard to remember that because she loves me and we are in a very good place that she is trying to come to terms with what I did. I hope I can get there. Writing about my feelings here is helping me a lot.
     
  10. wishful
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    wishful Locked for Love

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    Jasmic. I have just caught up with your story as I have been away for a bit I totally agree with your challenges and as caged wolf said I think we all have them to a greater or lesser extent. It's very apparent that as you and your Mistress have progressed the rate of change is very fast which can only mean that it's now for both of you not just so thing she does for you. Although it has taken us far longer probably years to months Miss and I are in a similar place now. For the last few weeks I have not had a schedule for release and I am finding the not knowing a challenge and as Caged Wolf said its a very nervous time when you start to lose control to your partner. It helps me massively to both blog about our lives ( Miss is unlikely to ever blog) but also to head and learn from others. As alway wishing you the very best and instead of beware of what you wished for you just may have to accept living what you wished for.
    On a further note on libido I find that the first week is hard and I am randy all the time this seems to settle somewhat during the second and by the third sometime I just never want to be let out. I do have a reality check though I am definately not looking for a forever lock up at this stage and now Miss is in control I think we are good there. I always want to turn her on but it's rare I get the chance due to her back problems but when I do I just focus on making it as good for her as I can. Only once have I been permitted to orally service Miss,s rear and this was in conjunction with both hands one providing a General massage and one working her front. This was her most explosive and longest orgasm either of us can remember her having it lasted minutes not seconds and her spasms were a joy to behold. I had been locked for a couple of month at the time and we were away without the key so I knew it was a one way street but wow I felt so good. I did not notice any taste but that's probably just how turned on I was. Good luck with everything and keep posting please.
     
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  11. Caged Wolf
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    Caged Wolf A Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf.

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    Jasmic
    Your modifications and my August issue seem to be kind of parallel problems.. Something we have each done that deters our Mistress's from fully taking charge, and also causing us to feel we failed them.

    It is something that only time and talking will either get past or figure a way around. I understand exactly what you are dealing with on this point... Hang in there, and I will do the same.

    Caged
     
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  12. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Thanks @Caged Wolf , that means a lot. And thanks too @wishful. Although we have got to where we are now very quickly we have both agreed that we need a good period of at least a few months where we just get used to what we have at the moment. We actually talked about this when we went to bed tonight, we are not going to try and add anything new to our relationship as it is until at least next year.

    As far as the issue with the mod goes I think my wife is very hesitant to do anything new until I get over my own issues with what I did. She has said that she does not want me to use chastity as a punishment and I assured her that it has already become much more than that. I think that if she felt that is what I was doing she would not agree to lock me up. I think your profile tag line @wishful sums up a lot of what I am doing, locked up for love.

    I am just about to write a post about this morning which is relevant regarding libido pressures. I very much accept living with what I wished for. I have never had a schedule as such, I know that I will be released every two to four days for cleaning but usually this is followed by being locked up again straight away!
     
  13. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    My Mistress is learning about Chastity and FLRs through me. I am the one researching and finding out what others get up to. The issue with this is I am naturally filtering out what I don't find interesting and focusing on what I want. I am desperate for her to start taking on her own research but we have so much going on in our lives she just doesn't have the time. I am in the lucky position of not having a job by her choice so I do have time.

    One of the things I have found out about are the concepts of edging and ruined orgasms. A few weeks ago I tried to show my wife a ruined orgasm but suffered from performance anxiety and didn't manage to do it. The time spent in my device since then not having an orgasm built up a level of sexual pressure I have never previously experienced.

    The issue was last night, as we slept together in the same bed, my Mistress trusted me to sleep free from my device. While I am wearing my device I do not really suffer from too much desperate feelings of desire. It is as if the device means there is no point, nothing is going to happen so there is no point worrying about it. I found not sleeping with the device meant I woke up thinking about nothing other than sex, not helped by how enticingly nude my Mistress was.

    I shyly asked if I could try to give myself a ruined orgasm again, as a demonstration to her of what it looked like. She agreed quite readily, I don't think she was aware though of just how much I was desperate to do something about how randy I was feeling. I used her rabbit vibrator, holding the rabbits head on the front of my shaft, just below my glans, and the dildo part of the vibrator on the back of my shaft.

    I actually accidentally managed to edge myself twice, removing the vibrator and gripping the shaft of my penis hard at the base too early. But on the third time I did it, my penis twitched a few times then cum just poured out slowly, pooling on my leg and stomach. A feeling of release, calm rather than powerful, seeped into me. I watched the stuff flow, fascinated by the amount. It had been over a month since my last orgasm of any kind, so there was a lot.

    The change in my feelings has been amazing. I have been able to focus on my tasks today where before I would have had to either have sex or masturbate. If my Wife had turned me down and refused to have sex in the past when I was so randy I would have struggled not to sulk. I am locked up in my device again now and feel absolutely fine. I honestly feel that I could go almost completely without orgasms as long as I occasionally had a release like the one I had today.

    I have told my Mistress that now I have demonstrated a ruined orgasm to her I won't ask permission again as I want her to tell me when to do it. Her response was for now she actually wants me to ask, but to leave it until I really feel the need. I think this will help her find out what my tolerance is. She trusts me not to be silly with this and either push myself too far but also not to claim I am desperate when I am not. It took five weeks this time so I will see where I am in another five.

    I am interested in her trying to massage my prostate to 'milk' me, but that will definitely have to wait several months.
     
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  14. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    I just slept through! Locked up in my HTv2, but no waking up at some point near 4am with a night time erection. Did I put the device on better? Is it fitting better? Am I getting used to it? Was it a one off? Was releasing my semen with a ruined orgasm yesterday anything to do with it?

    Is it a good thing to stop a natural occurrence like this? Will it make any difference to my ability to get an erection normally?

    My head is buzzing.
     
  15. wishful
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    wishful Locked for Love

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    Jasmic.
    I find that after so time caged I start having less early morning issues I believe this is natural and even though sometimes I have several days when I can sleep once out I always recover after a short while. In fact a couple of days out then the morning wake up is back in its full glory, at least that's what I find. Wishing you all the best.
     
  16. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Thanks @wishful - I think I am more excited by the prospect of the Holy Trainer actually working rather than worried about getting an erection. I would be really happy if I was able to sleep through the nights without having to get up with a pee, it would make the prospect of long term chastity easier to take. Not that I complain about the night time erections, it is all part of the commitment.
     
  17. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    It has gone midnight and I have woken up after a few hours asleep. I was really quite despondent when we went to bed, another low ebb of my confidence in what I am doing.

    My Wife quite rightly wants to take things slow. The problem is that right now I think the pace of change is almost if not completely nonexistent. I have researched and read and asked and discussed and really tried to find out how I feel about chastity and how it could be used. I have tried to get my Wife to understand what this is and sometimes I think I am doing that. But then something happens, so small, so insignificant, that I feel crushed and wanting to give up.

    Earlier tonight at bedtime my Wife asked if I was going to 'come'. I joked 'probably not!' She said ’Not on a school night.' I just said that I didn't want to cum anyway, and my wife looked confused and asked why. I immediately felt really bad, that nothing I have discussed with her has got through.

    I do want to cum, but only when she decides to let me. I want her to deny me, to not let me know, to tease me, to make me wait, to pleasure her without me getting that release of an orgasm. I want her to make me wonder whether tonight will be the night, I want to do all the things we discussed like using delay cream, I want her to take this into an FLR in a direction of her own choosing.

    Her statement makes me wonder if she has really understood any of that. First was the not on a school night part. In the years we lived apart at some point or another she first decided that she could not possibly have an alcoholic drink of any sort on a night before working. Now it appears that somehow sex of any description has fallen into the same category. So if I have no chance of sex all week then what is the point of practicing chastity? She didn't always feel this way, I am not talking about getting drunk, I mean even a small drink, a small glass of wine with dinner for instance. And she is rigid in this, she absolutely will not even consider having a a drink. So if in her head she feels the same about sex that is it, that rule is established with no chance of me changing her mind.

    Second was her confusion about me not wanting to cum. It is obvious I have failed completely to explain what I want. Her need to slow things down is accepted and understood, but we have spoken at the weekends and I have talked about chastity and tease and denial. I have discussed how I feel when she locks me up, and how important her control is to me.

    I have stuck to her rule of only talking on a Saturday as much as I can, so when she felt something was wrong I still couldn't tell her, it didn't feel right. It never comes out right when I speak anyway, and I definitely don't want to upset her. Part of the problem is there is so much other stuff going on in our lives she just hasn't got the time or space to do what I have done and get to grips with what she could get out of this arrangement.

    I have gone back to calling her my Wife. I just don't think she is ready to really be comfortable with me calling her Mistress. She certainly seems happy with the status quo, I don't think she feels she needs to do anything different than before I went into the chastity device. Mostly because she has not tried to find out what she can get me to do for her. This worries me as I am not sure I could wear the device long term if things stay the way they are. Wearing the device is a serious commitment from me even if male chastity can be seen as a game.

    I am really aware of not topping from the bottom as well, which further confuses me. I don't want to tell her what I want, but if she doesn't want anything what do I do?
     
  18. Cottus
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    Cottus Active member

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    I wholly admit that I haven't read your entire blog, but I think that the primary issue here is that you're way more interested in this stuff than your wife. Springboarding from that, encourage your wife to read kink-related material. It seems that you're her only source. She needs her own space to percolate away from you and get her own ideas.
     
  19. Shaggy
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    Shaggy Long term member

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    I've come to the conclusion that the negative feedback in regards to topping from the bottom is a bunch of crap in many cases. More often than not it is applied across the board without regards to individual circumstances.

    Your wife, while coming along, isn't really moving forward on her own. You're providing information, circumstances and scenarios. She is still actively depending on your judgement and feedback, so you still have control to a point.

    If your wife had or was attempting to have complete control either in a scene or as part of 24/7 and you were telling her what to do to you, that would be a negative topping from the bottom experience. Right now your new relationship is still growing and while your wife is dominantly inclined, she isn't exercising the attitude or actions of a dominant full time and is still expecting feedback with regards to chastity. You need to have the discussion about what you want, what your expectations are and see if these coincide with her wants and expectations. If she's comfortable with the status quo and things start to stagnate, it's up to you to move things along. I know you had some of this discussion already, but for my part, it wasn't a single discussion, my wife and I talked about this for hours over a several day period, just to get the ball rolling.

    Myself, I'm pretty sure I fall into the classification of dominant bottom. I would like my wife to be more dominant than she is, but until she has a lot more experience, I'll be giving her a lot of feedback. As she progresses in certain areas, I back off on telling her what I want, but I still have other areas of kink that I want to explore and so I introduce the ideas as I can. But it is very clear that I'm the driving force behind our change in relationship, as such "topping from the bottom" is a necessity. For my part, I guide respectfully using suggestions and presenting options, situations where she needs to make a decision, but doesn't have to think up a course of action.

    Something else to keep in mind, topping from the bottom at the early stages helps her know that you are invested in and desire what is happening.
     
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  20. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Thanks @Shaggy I think you have really hit the nail on the head. I have told her some of what I want but her rule number 1, where I can only start a conversation on a Saturday has been a problem. She is interested in the chastity and has become involved but at the beginning she also became overwhelmed by the amount of information I was giving her. I am desperate for her to now take the next step regarding how she uses this but so far nothing has really happened. Even the FLR stuff that she was getting int has stagnated and disappeared.

    The last two Saturday's I have used my conversations to try and find out what she wants to know. What questions have you got I say, and her response is none. If this was me in her position I would be full of questions, brimming over with the need to find out what she wanted, what I was expected to do, what the possibilities were, but she has no interest in moving forward at all. She wanted a period of getting used to me wearing a device, that I understand, but to be honest that is what I have to do. I have worn it now 24/7 for almost an entire month. I have had no orgasms since November 1 and I have explained to her that while I want to start this with an extended period of a few months not having one that I do need things like ruined orgasms to relieve the pressure. My wife is excellent at denial, she hasn't suggested we do anything of any sort for days. She just isn't interested one little bit in the tease, the mind games, the attention this can bring to her.

    What she doesn't understand is that a simple sentence identifying her control is all I need from time to time. Some indication that it is by choice, her choice, that I am not doing anything or getting anything. Instead I just get blank indifference.

    Don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful, lovely, incredible person. I love her dearly and want her to be happy. That in part is why after the initial introduction to make chastity I stepped back so she could develop this her own way. That is also why I am unhappy that she shows no interest in going anywhere at all with it.

    I will definitely be talking about this on Saturday, before if she starts a conversation about the chastity before then.
     
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  21. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    @Cottus I have bought Ivey Green's A key holders guide. The issue now will be actually getting her to read it. I have tried to get her to dip her toe into the forums but she just isn't interested at all. Granted as I have said we have got a lot going on in our lives, but she spends hours watching TV in the evenings and we do have time relaxing at the weekends. Just 5 minutes here and there would show some interest. I have read the first few chapters of the guide and it appears to be very good, much less about femdom and much more about analyzing what I want and what she can get out of it.
     
  22. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    It is a few hours later and I just want to make it absolutely clear that this is not about what I want, it is about getting my Wife to tell me what she wants. If she said that she wasn't interested in chastity then I would take the device off and just leave things as they are. She does like me in the device tough, she has proven that, so many times. I am totally confident that she wants me to continue wearing the device. I also want to continue to wear the device. But I just need something back in return.

    Even to me what I have written sounds like I am whining. I am not wanting to rush into any change, but I am also worried that we are just getting into a stasis where nothing changes because nothing has to. The effort of wearing a chastity device is mine to bear and I am coping well with it. I still am not wanting to masturbate, I want to pleasure my Wife without any return. I want to try and go as long as I can without an orgasm, not for a badge of honour but because I am learning a lot about myself by doing so. It is changing me, I really feel that. But I cannot do it in isolation.

    All I need is some occasional indication that my Wife understands what I want from her, which quite simply is an occasional indication that she understands! Circular logic, maybe, which I usually hate, but it is true. She can tell that something is wrong, she asked me this morning before she went to work, but I told her that it was definitely not the time to talk about this, not when she had to go to work and our son was about to get up. I have told her not to worry, that it isn't serious, because in reality it isn't. She hasn't done anything to upset me, apart from not do anything.

    I can go without orgasm, to be honest I am wondering what all the fuss is about, I am finding it very easy to go without as long as I am wearing my HTv2. Out of it is another matter altogether, but it works so well by making me realise that locked up means no play.

    I have read on this forum how a simple tap of the device in the morning gives the guy all he needs to know that his Mistress cares and is aware that he is doing something for her. That is what I want. I am not talking about being tied to the bed and given a right good seeing to, being sissified, being humiliated, all I want is some kind of small acknowledgement to give me the confidence to continue.

    Damn, still sounds like I am whining.
     
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  23. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    OK, I am feeling better. I have been busy today tidying up our house to the best of my ability (unpacking boxes that have been moved from England to Germany full of stuff I am not sure we want anymore but don't have permission to throw away!) The most fun bit was giving our mad puppy a bath as he got stinky. he makes such a mess that the only way to do it is naked, No bestiality mind! I couldn't anyway, I am locked up.

    I admitted to my wife that before my ruined orgasm calmed me down our puppy was licking my hand one day and I started getting an erection! I was horrified but she thought it was hilarious.

    So, I have been thinking a lot. I cannot complain about my Wife not doing anything when I have not really told her anything about what I want. I was so into the idea of letting her find out for herself what she wanted, so desperate not to influence this process, that I went out of my way NOT to say anything.

    As I said before I have bought Ivey Green's Keyholder guide on Kindle, it was quite well priced, and I have been reading it off and on when I have had a coffee break. Mostly off as every time I read it I start to get aroused. It is as if Ivey has got inside my head and really got all my ideas into one place, then added to them, then ramped them up, then trumped them altogether. If my Wife instigated 10% of what I read in the first four chapters I would be ecstatic! It is an easy, unthreatening read that she can do five minutes at a time, and in every five minutes learn something about what I am struggling with.

    No more whining.

    I do feel like since I have been wearing a chastity device that I have been having some pretty enormous mood swings, from euphoric to verging on a panic attack. Last night and this morning I was really questioning what I was doing and wondering why I was bothering, but in reality I think I was just feeling a little isolated. My Wife will have absolutely no idea about this as we have been getting on really well, with a lot of time spent together.

    We shall see, I am going to ask for permission to explain this to her.
     
  24. jemima
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    jemima maid for my Mistress

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    when i was locked up first i was scared as well and Mistress cuddle me and make me feel better. After a bit it gets better youll see.
     
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  25. Jasmic68
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    Jasmic68 Long term member

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    Thanks Jemima, I think you are right, I was worried, unsure of myself and just wanted some sign that everything is ok and she is still involved.
     
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