Complicated start

Thank you.

Just when I thought that the roller coaster ride was over and I was in the approach to the exit, it is as if they forgot to let us get off and sent us around again.

My Wife is being loving and caring and I am sure we will be fine. She said almost immediately that we have to make sure this never happens again, but she doesn't want to stop. It won't be the same but hopefully we will come out of this strong. The sad thing for me is she blames herself for getting me so worked up while we were in the shower, but that isn't the entire story. She has done that many times before and I have never got into the state I was last night.

 

Thank you Lucy. I'm ok, I just got scared with how deep down the rabbit hole I fell. It changed the feeling of what my Wife and I are doing and that is the last thing I want. I do appreciate your kind words though.

 

It was certainly a learning experience @Caged Wolf . This has certainly opened my eyes. Never in my life has my level of arousal had such an impact on my ability to think coherently.

 

The description of subspace does fit. I have read about it but not experienced it, at least not with the intensity I did yesterday. I do know that I was desperate for a hug or some kind of emotional connection from my Wife at the time, but I think she was as shocked as I was and it didn't occur to her. She has been lovely today though, and has been giving me hugs and kisses all evening.

I really appreciate all of these kind comments, I am feeling more able to face what happens next. It gives me a starting point to talk to my Wife next weekend.

 

I have had time to think about what happened on Sunday. I am trying to understand what the triggers were for my intense reaction. I don't want to completely avoid the sensation as if my Wife understands it she could use it to her advantage. But I do want to know what happened so I can at least be prepared.

@allaboutHer is absolutely correct in his description of it being dark. It was drug like in its intensity. I have never done any of the harder addictive drugs but I am also not completely innocent when it comes to taking certain substances that aren't exactly legal. I had a bad drug experience when I was in my early 20s and the similarity of how I felt as I came down was obvious and startling. I was shaking, I felt nauseous, I ended up having a severe headache and I was tired, tired beyond belief.

None of these thoughts are excuses or trying to put the blame anywhere. I have been absolutely clear to my Wife that the blame for what happened is not hers take. It might have been things she did that caused me to lose control, but that still doesn't make it her fault. Each one of these points intensified the level of feelings, in the order that I feel they contributed to my eventual state.

1. As I have documented over the past few weeks my Wife has really started taking control in a more definite and incredible way. I am beginning to experience things that I had only fantasized about and the reality is way more powerful than a simple captioned chastity image could ever manage to convey. Actually being denied for 2.5 months is obviously on a different level to just reading about it. On top of that she has done things such as use the numbing cream, say no to letting me have an orgasm, spank me, and so much more. And she has laughed, and giggled, and so obviously loved what she is doing.
2. Before I started wearing a chastity device my Wife had only ever had a few orgasms a month. We talked about this recently and she agreed that one of the things she is enjoying is this much more relaxed approach to her sexual release. Knowing she doesn't have to reciprocate, that in fact she is expected NOT to reciprocate struck her as selfish when we started, but she has now realised that it is totally what I want. Last weekend was the third time she had had an orgasm on three consecutive days. Sunday was going to be the fourth day in a row, the first time this had ever happened. I was excited by this so much it was ridiculous.
3. My Wife is getting more adventurous with her attentions. In the shower she has been stimulating me to the point of collapse and loving the power she has over me. So I am not just experiencing her doing things to me that literally bring me to my knees, I am then looking up at her to see her with a look of exhilaration on her face. Once I have managed to climb back up her passion and the way she holds me and kisses me demonstrates how turned on this power makes her.
4. I walk into her bedroom and she is lying naked on the bed, a towel on her head in that clever way women manage to balance them. I love this woman deeply and over the past few months my desire for her has grown and grown. Porn no longer has much interest for me, it is this woman who makes me excited. She is lying on her front, reading something on her iPad. I am immediately full of desire and start kissing her back. I struggle to contain my passion and the signs of what was to come were very much in evidence. I am groaning and struggling to keep away from her warm sex. I am expecting to be told to stop, but it never comes. So before long I am licking her bottom and she is enjoying the attention.
5. One of the ways my Wife has started taking more control is by being involved with how I lick her during oral sex. The final point I had any control was when she was lying on her front and then suddenly knelt up, her head still on the bed and her bottom in the air. My access and visual stimulation suddenly were off the chart, and this is where things descended into verging on pornographic in their intensity. I basically lost control.

I am not going to go further than that as I can feel myself getting both aroused and upset at the same time.

I will talk to my Wife on Saturday about what happened and tell her about subspace and how holding me and talking me back down is a well known practice. She might have even read about it in some of the books, articles and Tumblr posts she has looked at, I hope so.

Once again thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. You again have demonstrated how supportive this community is. I really appreciate it.

 

I have just remembered something else that happened in the lead up to me losing control.

While my Wife was in the shower with me she played with my bottom and made me collapse from the intensity of the feelings. It was incredible and I loved it. After I stood up I leant up against her and she rubbed herself up and down my bottom while she played with my nipples. Again the feelings were utterly mind blowing. She has quite generous breasts and they were sliding up and down my back, and I could feel her pubis rubbing my bottom.

Then she reached around me and caressed the base of my penis, bulging with a contained erection. The feelings were nothing like as intense has the others I had experienced. I suddenly realised something that @KatyTwilight has written about in another thread. I was more interested in my Wife playing with my bottom!

I actually wanted her to stop playing with my penis and go back to stimulating my bottom. This thought exploded in my brain and led to the first time I lost control. I turned around and my Wife had to hang on to me to keep me on my feet. I was trembling, and hanging on to her. When she left the shower cubicle I had to lean on the wall to stop myself collapsing again.

This is certainly something that needs more thought and discussion. It will be interesting to see what my Wife thinks.

 

My Wife is in hospital today. Just a day case, but it involves a full anaesthetic so I am on edge a bit. Last night I offered to make amends for what happened at the weekend when I lost control, but she wasn't in the mood. I did have the opportunity to tell her about all the help and advice I have received since the meltdown I experienced. We are going to fully discuss all the things I was told at the weekend but I did mention that several people have heard of similar things happening, particularly those who are more in the BDSM community.

While we were having a shower and then cuddling on her bed afterward our shower I noticed that my levels of arousal are way down since last weekend, even though I did not have an orgasm. I think it is further evidence of how shocked I am about what happened, that I am unconsciously keeping myself more controlled. It will take a while I think before I can fully let go. The depression I felt on Monday was intense, and Tuesday wasn't a good day either, though not as bad. Thankfully I am out of that mood now but I am almost glad that there is little chance of anything sexual happening this weekend. It will be good to get a few weeks done before we go back to being fully intimate. Obviously if my Wife does want some attention then I will happily give it, but I will also be happy if she doesn't.

 

It's been a while since my last update and in that time one significant thing has happened, and a whole lot of nothing much as well.

Nothing much first. My Wife had to go into hospital for a day procedure last Friday. It involved a general anesthetic but she was able to come home that afternoon and everything went fine. We are waiting for some test results but the surgeon was happy with how things went. It has however meant my Wife was unable to have sexual intercourse for two weeks and when my Wife can't then I get nothing either. It was funny when the doctor said that to her, my Wife looked at me and smirked!

On top of that my Wife and son have been arguing a lot over the past few weeks. He is supposed to be doing his A levels, the most important exams for someone from the UK, and he wants to go to Uni. No A levels, no Uni. He is refusing to do extra revision and spends the day watching YouTube videos. This leaves my Wife angry, upset and completely unable to relax sexually.

On top of that I have been at work for four days (I am a self employed consultant and basically work when I want to. A job came up where I could actually be at home in the evenings so I took it.) (And I totally realise how lucky I am. I'm not rich but I'm comfortable and virtually debt free. I work to live, not live to work, so have basically reduced work to one week a month.) The work is tiring though, mentally rather than physically, so I have been very tired in the evenings.

So, as I say, not much happened in the past week. A shame as the momentum my Wife had introduced into this lifestyle was becoming intoxicating. After my meltdown of a while back it has been a welcome pause though, but I am ready to get goi ng again.

Now the something significant. I had a self induced, non masturbatory but totally avoidable ejaculation. It was definitely a ruined orgasm but still I was surprised and shocked it happened, a bit upset but also enthralled by the experience. I admitted what happened to my Wife and have told her I am going to come completely clean with her this weekend.

I follow a few Tumblr blogs including one called only she cums. They posted a video of a woman teasing her caged husband, licking his metal cage and telling him how she was going to have sex with her big black lover. It got me really hot, I mean, ridiculously worked up. I was in my Holy Trainer but the damn thing was being pushed to its limits. Then I found a link to the full video where she actually is having sex with a black guy with an enormous dick, her caged husband watching and occasionally being teased.

My penis was basically about to fall off from the pressure of my Holy Trainer. I tried to pull some scrotum skin through the ring but failed, and then pressed myself on the root of my penis between my buttocks. It felt incredible, so I pressed harder. And then it happened. A huge pool of cum just squirted and then dribbled out of me.

So that is now three full orgasms and three mostly accidental ruined orgasms this year. It averages out at one a month, though I did go a full two months between orgasms in that time.

So it would appear that my fantasy of watching my Wife have sex is still very much a part of me, even though my Wife is utterly uninterested in it happening, and if anything is turned off by it. I wonder how she will react? I have to tell her, I have promised to always be honest with her. I'm not going to try and manipulate her to follow what is my fantasy, and we have talked about it before. We will see.

 

I feel incredible.

I received an email from http://www.lovehoney.eu telling me that I have 20% off of my next order as long as it is made in the next 72 hours. Because that did not give me enough time to get to the weekend when I would be allowed to talk I asked for special dispensation which my Wife agreed to. She agreed to look at the site later in the evening to see if there was anything she wanted.

We haven't had a lot of success with sex toys over the years. I have ordered a wand massager for my Wife as recommended by the incredible @keephimcaged along with some other toys, but most of the things I have bought have been a waste of money. This makes us both a bit wary when it comes to trying new things but we are so enjoying this new lifestyle that it is making us a bit more adventurous.

My Wife chose a prostate massager for me, an anal probe for her (! This blew my mind! I am shocked she even thought of it, she is only just used to me licking her bottom, it is a significant step forward to now wanted something inserted.) she also chose a lace face mask as she likes the idea of doing some role play and pretending to be someone else.

All of this shopping had a very obvious effect on me. It will be a week or so before it all arrives and I cannot wait. I think that this new phase of exploration is the point at which I start a new journal, we have come so far in such a short time.

We went to bed and had a cuddle. I told my Wife that I was feeling 'fizzy' inside, that full achey ball sensation you get after three weeks of chastity, mixed with butterfly's in my stomach due to the emotions she is stirring in me. Her kisses set me on fire but even more so the conversation we had just before I went to my own room.

My Wife looked at me in the eye and totally seriously said that if I was a very good boy she might let me out of my Holy Trainer. I asked her when, and she said that was for her to know, not me. Then I asked do I have to be a good boy for several days, or do something extra special good on one day to achieve the very good boy status. Again I was told that I would just have to try hard to be a good boy and see.

It was obvious my Wife enjoyed the effect this conversation had on me. My cage couldn't have been any further away from my abdomen and still be attached. I became almost mesmerized by her. I am utterly besotted with my Wife and I am determined to get her to tell me that I have been a very good boy.

 

Chastity is having a remarkable effect on me and my relationship with my Wife. Above and beyond the obvious that is, how not having an orgasm makes me super horny all the time.

Captioned images portraying FLRs, posts in this forum and others, blog posts, Tumblrs and so on, are all planting seeds, ideas into my head. My Wife came home from work upset because of a colleague making her life difficult. I was cooking dinner and she went straight up to her bedroom. I took her up a coffee and immediately noticed she was upset.

First change. I asked if everything was OK, she said she was OK but a bit upset. I gave her the coffee, told her to relax and went back downstairs. I didn't do what I would have done in the past and pestered her to find out what was wrong.

The second change was my mind went into overdrive thinking of ways to cheer her up. The answer involved intimacy but not sex. All of my ideas of ways to cheer her up came from things I have seen as I described, captioned images and so on. We had a shower, intimately washed each other for the first time since her operation just over a week ago. She really enjoyed the opportunity to receive my attention to her back and bottom, then made me collapse paying attention to me. Then I gave her a foot massage with some foot lotion, then gave her back, bottom and legs a sensual massage.

Finally I painted her toes with some nice red nail varnish that I bought for her when I popped out to a local shop. I was amazed when she told me that it was the first time she has ever painted her toes! We've been married 26 years! Not once in all that time did it ever occur to me to paint her toenails. She absolutely loved it. She loved all of the attention she received. She also loved the fact that doing all this stuff to her turned me on, and the fact that both of us knew that there was zero pressure to turn my randyness into some kind of sexual act.

I wanted to give her a face mask as well but the shop didn't sell any, so we have shelved that idea until the weekend. My Wife was of the opinion that too much of a good thing would go from nice to being spoilt, which I don't mind but she does.

What a lovely evening.

 

As long as you do not become depressed by my progress in relation to your own. This is never about a competition or trying to outdo each other. I hope you have seen that I document the bad as well as the good. I am definitely going through a rosy patch at the moment but the one thing I have come to expect is the chance of stormy waters ahead.

 

A semi accidental nocturnal emission and the wrong box.

I can't believe it. Four weeks of being denied while my Wife recuperates after her little operation splurges out of me in a nocturnal emission the night before a box from Lovehoney arrives with lots of new goodies to try out. To make it worse when I told my Wife she commented that it was a shame as she was going to try and give me a ruined orgasm this weekend (her first attempt) but there isn't any point now.

Back up a bit.

Yesterday I read an incredible fictional monologue by @keephimcaged that got me totally turned on. Today I woke up at 03.50 with my penis attempting to break free from my Holy Trainer in the midst of an erotic dream where my Wife was basically doing to me what happened in the story. I was lying on my front and somehow ended up having an ejaculation simply from the pressure of my device pressed against the bed.

Buggering buggery. What a waste.

Anyway later in the morning one of my Lovehoney boxes turned up. I have made two orders recently, again on the advice of @keephimcaged. The first included the wand massager she recommended I get my Wife. Unfortunately that one appears to have gone missing and instead the second order has arrived. This is a shame as the massager and under the bed restraint system is what my Wife wanted to use for my ruined orgasm attempt. Well, the massager was, the restraint system was a bit of a surprise for her. She has tied me to the bed in the past so I'm fairly sure she would have been ok with it.

The box that did turn up is a bit of a more advanced sex toy box. At least for us it is. Butt plugs that I chose, an anal probe that my Wife chose and a tease and denial board game that looks like a lot of fun. Also an Aneros prostate massager that my Wife asked me to get so she can use it on me. Hopefully she will be in the mood to play tomorrow but I am fully expecting this lot to take several weeks before they all get tried out.

By the way when my Wife dropped the idea of a ruined orgasm into the conversation it was made in the same way we might have discussed whether or not to have pasta or couscous with our dinner. I think this really demonstrates how far she has come. And how far I haven't!

That's a little chastity themed joke for you.

A boom tish.

 

After the most incredible day yesterday I have decided to stop writing this thread. Instead I have started writing this one instead - http://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/love-and-denial.18328/

I write far too much to continue writing this journal. I would find 23 pages of rambling posts daunting if I was to find a thread like that on joining the Mansion. It does however contain some of the most incredible experiences of my life and I am happy to have written it. Everyone who has interacted with me have helped me enormously and for that I will always be grateful. Not all of them still visit the Mansion and some I miss a lot.

I feel it is a natural point to start a new journal as I am now 100% sure that my Wife is happy to continue being my Keyholder and totally gets what we are doing. For months I felt that at any moment she would say enough was enough and give me the key back. Yesterday she convinced me that will not happen any time soon, if ever. She is happy with our new lifestyle and living it has made her happier, more confident and to feel sexy and loved. Why would either of us not want that? Also some of the things we are doing or are about to do are so far removed from the earlier events in this journal that they demonstrate a clear development of the relationship.

I am totally aware of how lucky I am and excited to see what happens over the next few months.

Thank you so very, very much.