An uphill struggle

The urge will return in a big way with just a little attention. Be patient, it will come around more ferociously the longer you are denied.

 

The meh bit, I think normal, and desired. I know the thought of what we are doing can seem erotic. The lack of that turns up as meh. But this isn't supposed to be erotic. It's supposed to be transformative. Feeling 'meh' is good. It means you're getting passed the erotic and into the zone where the real changes happen. So, welcome the 'meh'.

The pain waking up, burning, etc. I also think is normal. Chances are, you get hard at night and your cage ends up stretching your balls. The result is a burning sensation. (sort of. Not like a candle on my balls but not a punch in them either). I find pulling the skin through so there's less tension and the pain goes away. Just make sure the base ring is not too tight. Stop if you must, but if you're three weeks in, I'd say, don't give up now. I'm five weeks in and it get's better (in a mental state kind of way) every day. Give your balls a couple hour break if you want, but don't get tempted to do anything else.

 

My wife took the keys last month. Had some incredible nights since then…not all sexual, but sensual and intimate. Last night I ran headlong into the ‘meh’ for a few reasons I thought made sense at the time. I get how you’re feeling. I’m feeling much better today…and feel this is all just part of the ebb and flow. The drop off takes some getting used to after experiencing so many new ‘highs’ over the past few weeks.

My advice is to ride out the ‘mehs’ as I believe sticking to this new lifestyle will continue to evolve a relationship in fantastic ways. At least that’s what I tell myself. It may be the pace of ‘progress’ slows down, or feels a bit backward at times, but I believe putting in the efforts will continue to move the needle over time.

 

Maybe a stupid question here, but is it more acceptable at least understanding the situation? Knowing that you have tried?

Secondly, I don’t want this to sound harsh. Also I’m aware you’re in low mood right now so don’t answer just off the cuff. Is she this selfish with regards to your needs in general?
Does she actually make you happy outside of the bedroom?

If so, maybe explore what you can do to keep yourself in a good place regarding your own sexual needs as the pay off is worth the compromise.
If you are not happy outside of the bedroom I’d be seriously considering if you are compatible at all. ‘Irreconcilable differences’.

As I was writing this I had another thought too. Do you know the underlying reason why she has no desire? Have you discussed that aside from chastity?

 

Sucks but take it slow. There are two of you and you walk at different speeds. It's not surprising that she's not exactly where you are. It's not even surprising that she's in a different place. She's right when she says this is your thing, not hers. I walk that line. There are many of us here walking the same line. The fantasy of it, for many of us, is to be dominated and teased. But that's you, not her. My wife likes a dominant husband. For one, it's who she married. She doesn't want me turning into someone different. She never was a tease. It wouldn't be fair for me to now expect her to be. Yet, after many years of marriage, and a lifetime of owning my cock, I want to be free from being a slave to my cock. It's safe to say almost every single guy has been a slave to their cock and I think that's what brings us here. With every change, there are growing pains. In your wife's case, things probably went a bit too far, a bit too fast, and without enough input from her. Obviously we don't know more about your relationship. What kind of intimacy you had shared, and where you really are now. It's fair for her to feel she doesn't want her sex life to be governed by your desire. Well, almost. I think it's a give and take. It shouldn't always be governed by your desire. That statement though makes it sound like it's not usually about her needs. She feels left out.

Sure you're disappointed, but chastity is about more than a sexual kink and it's about more than being a sub. In fact, usually, it's doesn't have anything to do with sex. The only reason your cock's involved is you are removing it from the equation. Chastity is really about being intimate without your cock. Rekindling a youthful excitement. It's a courtship. That may mean refocus for now. Make things 100% about her. Obviously don't be a pest though. I think, that as long as she is committed to the marriage, she definitely will appreciate it being about her. Later, much later, she may be willing to consider you a bit but I get the sense she's saying that the cage, and your desires don't really involve her, and she feels like a puppet. This is a really tough dance for guys (probably women too). How to lead with her needs and desires, not your own.

So, again, just take it slow. If you want to really do chastity, you can do "invisible" chastity. Place yourself in an invisible cage, don't jerk off, don't watch porn, be there for your wife. For however long it takes. It all starts with love.

 

There’s clearly some pressure from your side. The concept of chastity to her is that she has to think about your penis, she has to be actively involved. It may be nothing that you’re actually doing, it may just be the very presence of the cage in your relationship. She has to let you out to wash after all (that was an annoyance for my wife.) Whatever it is it’s creating a feeling of obligation towards it. It’s not wrong that she should think about your caged penis from time to time, its the removal of pressure around acting on those thoughts that you need to consider

When you discuss the need to be teased. Is that really what you need? Do you need her to physical interact with your phallus, or are you seeking a deeper intimate connection. The sense that she is putting in effort and reciprocating the commitment you have made. Sometimes I write the activities with my wife and it appears that she’s on it 24/7. Without the removal for cleaning she probably doesn’t interact with my penis at all these days. It’s caged away and inaccessible. I get touches in other places. Nipples while she’ll lay on me. Spank me as I walk past. It’s a rarity I actually get fondled.
Could this a feeling of reciprocity be achieved even if the attention isn’t penile-centric? Would doing chastity on her terms, pressure free improve her connectivity outside of the bedroom?

Ultimately, she already understands your needs and she has come to the conclusion that no amount of affection and extra is going to change her feelings on your cage. It’s your thing. That’s ok. As long as your expectations match what she is willing to deliver, you can find happiness in chastity if you still want.

You can still participate on the basis that it’s for her. It improves you emotional availability towards her.

Do you really have anything to lose by going all in? Get pierced. Get a custom cage you can clean in. Give her the key permanently. No extra pressure. You do it just because you feel the love for her more when you are denied. If nothing else, in receiving freedom at 6 month intervals… you’ll be a hero to many on this site!

 

Following up from my previous response:

This is a start. These are her terms. They are consistent with chastity. In fact, there are folks who would find this pretty arousing.

She is correct. In a pure chastity relationship, you should be locked and she would have nothing to do with it. Until she wants it. However long that takes. Some guys in chastity are permanently locked without release ever. That would be tough for me, but those seriously into chastity would find no problem with this.

So the question is, do you really want chastity? If you do, then do it under her terms. Unquestionably, and Unconditionally. Never bring it up. Show her devotion.

Of course. sounds like you were annoying her. Don't belabor it any more.

Consider her terms. And if you accept them, then live by her terms. Don't bring up sex, don't bring up chastity, don't bring up the cage, don't bring it up.

 

Totally understand. Has it always been like this or has this developed over time? If over time, does it align with anything? How's her health, your health? Do you have kids. Perhaps you're trying out chastity to see if this can kindle some intimacy. Reasonable expectation. Based on what you're saying, this isn't about chastity. This is about your relationship. Also sounds like you've got some work ahead of you. I can see why you feel deflated. It really is sad.

I'm no shrink. Sounds though it's time to seek out some professional help. Sorry to say that. It's important not to lose yourself in this. I am hoping for the best for you.

 

This doesn’t sound like a lack of intimacy. This feels like flat out rejection. I’m curious if this is how the land lies than how can you say this:

?
What aspects of your relationship are happy with?
More importantly, regardless of the aspects themselves… how much does she actually enhance your happiness?
When did she last make you feel appreciated? Cared for? Important?
When did she last tell you she loves you?

Like @atxmtb says, I’m no shrink either. If you choose to follow my advice you are listening to someone who pierced their own dick! But it sounds like your relationship is in far more trouble than just a lack of sexual activity.

 

Would she consider seeing a counselor with you?

 

Are you seeing a therapist? This seems like a really tough situation and you need someone to help you through it or you’ll just be miserable.

 

I agree. I think I would insist on it. That's what marriage vows are about. Unless you vowed to be platonic roommates. In that case, you'd be free to pursue an intimate relationship with someone else. You should hold her feet to the fire. What did she commit to when she married you?

 

I don’t know if I would go that far - she has to be willing in order for therapy to work. But I think it would be valuable if he went himself, on his own.

 

Yes hopeful hubby clear your mind, start over as if you were first time looking at this, you originally had optimism. Women pick up on that, if you look happy about something they become curious.
Not her thing is a negative but your thing is a positive. Stay positive and can you self lock to show how it helps you not to masturbate. To show her its really all about serving her better. Good luck.

 

It's hard to be on this site, read what others are posting, and then not feel your somehow not missing out on something. I admit, I often want "what they're having". But that's more fantasy that anything. But, lack of intimacy is a problem. None of us know the answer to that and you're not asking for it either. I guess we can offer support. That's probably it. At least you have your outlet of jerking off. Looking back on my life pre-chastity and going way back, I probably was more into jerking off than in being intimate with my wife. In a way, the roles were reversed. She wanted intimacy, I wasn't available. It's a tough dance. Welcome to relationships. But lack of intimacy is more than a bad dance. It can eat away. So don't give up. There were questions about a therapist above. Of course one or both of you may be hesitant. But your issue really isn't unique. What is probably more unique about yours is that you are staying faithful and trying / hoping to fix it. Most other people end up outside of the marriage or walking away from the marriage. If you don't want that to happen, you shouldn't give up. Wishing you the best.

 

I read your reply after my reply. We almost come from different sides. I think it's real hard to be chaste in a relationship that lacks intimacy. Jeez, it ends up seeming hopeless. If it were me, I might feel like a chump. I don't know the answer. But if I had no intimacy with a partner, AND I wasn't satisfying myself, I think I'd be in bad shape. Maybe it would accelerate my desire to go outside, or to leave. Could I really stay chaste yet get little encouragement? That is a tough question. I do believe I'd be looking for an outlet. Any outlet. As destructive as jerking off might be, it certainly is less than some other alternatives. Would I be strong enough? I truly don't know.

 

atxmtb .... different strokes for different folks, you are also right in your wise advice, good on you, x

 

What you are searching for is intimacy. You don’t need a sex life that is normal. No sex life in chastity ever is. I doubt you even care that she never lets you penetrate her again.You don’t need that, masturbating with her present would be fine.
What you want is understanding. To know why she doesn’t want that in your life and feel close enough to accept her for it. For her to accept that you still have needs and in some way acknowledge them. To love each other enough to enjoy that you can make each other happy in a mutual manner.
Stop letting her close doors on you. It’s not fair whatever her reasons.