Am i being unreasonable

Yes. Even if it gets better, the same avoidance happens in other forms. My wife figured out eventually, though, that a little daily dominance is enough to keep our dynamic going. Maybe talk about having snacks rather than full meals so you don't go hungry.

 

OK, she's being immature. Grownups have sexual lives, and to not acknowledge that in a partner is, frankly, the No. 1 reason humans break up, get divorced and so on.

My advice: Set a date on your calendar, like Jan. 31, and if she doesn't come around to adult status by then, leave.

 

Relationships are give and take and both partners have needs. If it’s not working then take off the cage and fix the dynamic. She is getting all her needs and wants met but you aren’t. Tell her to get a job to pay for her share of living. Unless you just want to be a slave.

 

Sounds like it is time to stop. Your femdom may have worked for a while but clearly it isn't currently. Get rid of the cage, stop the extra crap, no more foot rubs as she doesn't like touching and as hard as it may be to do, next time she comes on to you, say NOoooooooo! She needs a swift kick in the XXX to come to the table and have a discussion.

 

Maybe she doesn’t see you as a man anymore due to her domination and the feminization. She could have found the process erotic but no longer attracted to you. She seems reluctant to tell you what the issue is so just ask her if she is still attracted to you. It’s not her fault if she isn’t and make sure you convey that to open a real discussion. Her hormones may have changed and she may not find anyone attractive. But not being honest with you isn’t fair.

When you discuss things with her, don’t do it groveling at her feet. Cut off your device if you can’t get the key and get totally out of the kink/sub role. Call her by her name and tell her that it’s time to talk NOW. Don’t let her redirect and try to be a Dom. Keep calm, don’t be accusatory and find out what is in her mind.

Unfortunately, if she has lost attraction then it is probably not going to change. Once women lose attraction it’s almost impossible to get it back.

Best of luck!

 

Have you always had little physical contact or is that a new thing?

If it's new it might be the case of your wife's libido going down and she's scared to admit it because it means she's getting - gasp - OLD!

If it's been like this since you started, it might be the case of your wife not fully understanding the dynamics and thinking she has to go from one extreme to another to assert herself.

 

I wouldn't begin with a nuclear option. And it is entirely possible that some of the causes of what the OP describes can be found outside the bedroom, so to speak. However, as others have said, it looks like the wife could benefit from being reminded that even a sub needs to have enough of his/her desires met for a relationship to work.

I'm not going to pretend there weren't times when the sexual aspects of my relationships were put on hold. But when there's a promise things will get better as soon as things get better, one is willing to stay patient. Trust that's been earned can help one handle rougher times and so on. But being ignored or taken for granted drains that trust, and when there's no more trust left...

I'd say the wife needs to hear that not talking about problems usually doesn't make those problems go away.

 

Absolutely true for both sides. You lose self-confidence alongside trust, too.

 

My wife is a poor communicator too and we also go through these sorts of things. She tends to be very passive aggressive and just lets her actions speak for her. She seems to genuinely enjoy the role of the dominant and then something happens and she just switches. I agree that if she withdraws from her role as dominant, the proper reaction is to withdraw from your role as submissive. This shouldn't be knee jerk reaction everytime you feel ignored. I also believe it's important to soldier through the low points. However, if it's all low points it's time to make a change. That change might actually cause her to re-embrace the lifestyle. This seems to be the pattern with my wife. I've been unlocked since Thanksgiving with no FLR dynamic. I'm not a dick. I'm still the larger bread winner (2/3 vs 1/3), I still cook and do grocery shopping along with equal or more drop-off/pick-up of kids. Still, after we eat I leave the Kitchen for her. I don't touch the laundry and the bed remains unmade. I also have a strong sarcastic streak and I make fun of the efforts she now has to endure. This probably pisses her off more than the work. Now I happily say things like "Laundry isn't going to do itself" or roll over in the morning and say "run along and make some coffee". I would never speak back to her in our FLR dynamic and if I did there would be swift consequences. She seems to get to a point where whatever objections she had to the FLR melt overtime and she inevitably goes back to it. Still I never know for how long either phase will last and that can be very frustrating. For me I'd rather be locked and in service, but it takes two to tango.

 

Keep us informed on how things work out. Feel free to message me if you need to chat with someone.

 

Wanting to be happy is never unreasonable. I can relate to the whole shutting down when I bring it up part... my wife is frequently like that. I've learned to try to time it and catch her in the right mood, but I'm not always right in my guess of when that is.

Since nobody else mentioned it, I'll throw out the gratuitous 'go to marriage therapy ' advise. If the problem is you cant talk to her without her shutting down... that is a communication issue and a big one. Therapy can help with that.

 

I meant to also say, the folks who are all ultimatums and telling you to leave if she doesn't do X or Y either have never been married, or I dont know what. Skip the brinksmanship crap... it doesn't work well in a marriage. Or at least not a healthy one.

 

That was my reaction when I read the OP, but was reluctant to express it. But Jessica did quite well, and I think it might be worth you and your wife talking about.

 

That is completely reasonable and should be part of any relationship for both people.

of course none of us here really know you enough to give true advice, but there are a couple things I read that strike me as good ideas. First, ditch the cage and discuss with her partner to partner. Second, Ultimatums are not a good idea. If you are truly at that point the relationship is probably beyond repair. Third, communicate communicate communicate. This is not a kink thing, this sounds like a marriage that needs some work right now. And they all do.

I wish you luck.

 

Communication is key in all things! I am also struggling in a sexless and intimacy-less marriage. It seems equally difficult to start a conversation with my wife. I self lock and have offered her the key, but she is not interested. Hoping things will improve for both of us.

 

I'm not locked up right now - we're on a hiatus for the moment. Our most recent stint was really successful though. My wife never jumped into the driver seat as I would have hoped. My work around was pretty simple I think. Whatever it is that we'd agree on verbally, I'd put appointments on our calendar. I wouldn't do this for granular things like day to day activities like giving a foot massage. I'd do it for things like a release date. It is passive, she doesn't have to think about it and it is something that she is already using. If something should happen that would move the release date, I would update the calendar invite and we'd be on the same page. That cadence and that framework then allowed conversations about the day to day things as well. Another tip is to create a private tumblr blog for you and your wife only. The alternative would be communicating with her over text, but I found that problematic because I'd catch her off guard with something sexual when she wasn't expecting it. When she goes to tumblr, she'll know why she is there and have a comfortable space to communicate etc.

One more work around if I don't feel like I'm getting enough attention from my wife. She goes to sleep earlier than I do. When I get in bed with her on a non-sexual night, 90% of the time she will snuggle and play with me. There is no way in hell, she would ask if I wanted a hand job nor could I ask for a hand job and taken seriously. However, snuggled up together like I said, I end up getting a hand job. No happy ending, but that is part of the kink we're into ; )

At the end of the day though, it's all about communication as a lot of people have cited already. I hope some of my ideas above are helpful, but you'll need to be on the same page and open with each other obviously.

 

Why is the nuclear option the first step here? It's tempting to speak in black and white terms, but this is his wife. Your advice is to throw out the marriage if she doesn't engage with his kink so his satisfaction within 5 weeks?

 

Adult status imo is admitting there is an issue and a willingness to work on it. If someone is not willing to take those steps you may be waiting your entire life for things to change.

 

You are not being unreasonable at all, a bdsm relationship is a dynamic and therefore needs two participants. If she is expecting all the perks of being a dominant without doing the work, she is no longer a dominant.
As she is no longer a dominant, you are under no obligation to obey her. You need to step out of the sub role for now, and try to get to the bottom of this issue. She needs to be made aware that she is neglecting your needs and that you both need to work out how you're going to move on from this while getting both your needs met.