I was hoping to get some advice for my wife/key holder in ways to be more assertive with me. So please respond as talking to her. She does not have an account and will be reading this thread. She has read a few thing on this site under my suggestion. This I want to be something directly to her, without me pre screening it you could say. We have been into chastity for just about a year. Didn't take long for me to be locked about 24/7. The reoccurring problem is that I have trouble letting go. I am constantly pushing the boundaries of what I can get away with. Asking for things in return of what I have done for her. She would say, keeping track of points.Trying to control what those things may be. And she would also say, me talking about chastity too much and giving suggestions on what should happen. I know, total topping from the bottom!!! Since we have started chastity we both have realized the benefits. I am more attentive to her needs. Do more to help her out. I always have, but even more so now. Aside from that may other benefits, but that is not the point of this post. I know I need more discipline to correct this behavior. Granted I am much more under control than before we started chastity, but I am still topping from the bottom. And I know due to who I am, this will not change without discipline to correct my behavior. I have suggested this but I just keep getting in the way. As I have an extremely high sex drive and give her mixed signals as to what is too much even though I know I can take more. I find it kind of scary to give her suggestions that would punish me with longer periods of denial or other things to correct my behavior. However, my behavior needs to be curbed by training. And again without consequences I don't see it getting better. She is also kind of having a hard time with punishing me, she is a sweet heart. She has come a long way already though. Don't know if I am rushing this or not? She is not into corporal punishment, don't know if she ever would be? Anyway, any suggestions for her on how to whip my ass into shape and stop trying to control things?
Take away his chastity device. He needs to learn that if he's not going to play by the rules that the game stops. That's a worse form of denial than forcing him to go a few extra months without an orgasm.
My wife/KH was also not in favor of corporal punishment. She was abused growing up and was afraid of hurting/injuring me. I was finally able to convince her that there is a big difference between hurting me or causing long term/permanent injury and doling out a bit of temporary pain as a form of discipline. When we wrote our contract this was addressed. It was agreed that she would never use belts, crops, canes or other instruments that could cause permanent damage. She now has a plastic paddle that is smooth on one side and textured on the other, a pair of wooden hairbrushes, a spatula that I cut a heart into for her, and a paddle with 'kitten' (My name for her since we were first dating) mirror engraved into it that I gave her for Christmas. The last 2 will leave the impression of the heart or the word 'kitten' on my ass if enough force is used. While the marks can look similar to raised welts caused by the instruments she agreed not to use, they are not permanent nor do they cut or damage the skin. Does it hurt to get a paddle, brush or spatula used on my bare ass? Yes. Does it cause any long term injury or leave permanent marks? No. Does it get my attention and help to correct my behavior? YES! I know that some Dom key holders like to beat their subs to the point of severe bruising and bleeding and some subs enjoy that type of abuse. That is fine for them but it is not for everyone nor is it necessary for correction. If you feel that a spanking or paddling is warranted by his bad behavior don't be afraid to administer it. Choose an instrument that doesn't have sharp edges like a flat backed wooden hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, or a paddle designed for the purpose. Even if you hold back a little his ass will still turn red, the sting will remain for a couple of hours and you will have gotten your point across. With practice, and as you gain confidence, you will learn how far to go without causing injury or permanent damage. It will hurt and he will quickly start to apologize and promise to behave better. At that point you have his attention and the lesson becomes real. Don't be to quick to stop. Continue until you decide he has had enough and you are sure this is not something he will look forward to in the future.
Well “mrs keyholder”, it seems your sub knows right from wrong, understands his actions are negatively affecting your enjoyment of being his kh, and still behaves that way. Even though he knows his actions are hurting you, instead of just stopping it, he’s asked for way for you to improve your skill set...like you are doing something wrong. All that being said, I believe the only step forward is to throw the key at him, and quit all this nonsense that he wanted you to have control. If you want to give him another chance to follow, one of the tools to be more assertive may be that, if you have to return the key a second time, the two of you are through. Good luck
As always Mistress Lucy comes directly to the simplest and best solution. 2nd choice might be some form of "forced breaking".
I am heartened to see the way this thread has gone. When I first joined the site there were many such requests for suggestions on punishments to "help" a fellow keyholder. Of course, many of them were basically guys looking for more fantasy material. Chastity Mansion is a place where you get real answers from real people. Answers which will often not be what was hoped for but realistic answers nonetheless. There will always be fantasies or descriptions of what others go through. However the fact that these are interspersed by honest advice makes CM the place for anyone who is trying out this fetish to come for real answers. As to the OP - To any keyholder new to chastity - it is supposed to be about you. Making your life easier and more enjoyable. If this is not happening because he just keeps wanting more then stop. You are not his personal fantasy Domme. If he spits out his dummy then you know that it wasn't about you, it was about satisfying his sexual fantasies, which means it's time to stop.
Wow, ok, don't know what I said so wrong. Just looking for advice for her, and why some seem to think I am such a bad person or something? I am reaching out as I know I have not been as good as a should after handing over control. The way I am and always have been cannot just be changed with a flick of a switch. This truly has been hard for me, and I know i need help with it. And so does she. I have never told her she is doing anything wrong. Just looking for advice. Isn't that one of the reasons for this place? My wife read my post last night before anyone had replied. She agreed with everything I wrote, with nothing more to add. She gets home later in the evenings than I, so she will be reading later tonight. To tell her to get rid of me is just silly!!!! We have always loved each other deeply, and to think something like this would drive us apart is again, just silly!!!!
Then why are you constantly pushing the boundaries of what you can get away with? (in your own words) Why would someone want a partner who does that?
That is one of the traits that has always made me, me. And again not changed easily. Ok, I am done with this until my wife / KH reads and responds.
Intensity, there are many people here. You will get many responses some on the conservative side and some on, well let’s just say on fringe of what me and my wife consider inside our comfort zone. Since we don’t really know you or your wife we base our responses on what little you posted and our knowledge of this lifestyle. If you search my posts you will see I was a selfish little boy trapped in a mans body. I never really learned how to communicate with my wife on an adult level. I acted out and sometimes made our relationship miserable. Lots of reasons why this happened and yes it was all my fault. I was very very lucky to have a wife that stuck by me and worked with me to fix this issue. It wasn’t just for the lifestyle it was for us as a team so we could have a happy life. I believe you should have another chance as long as your wife thinks so too. YOU need to take a good long look at what you have. Most guys would kill just to have a wife that is onboard with this. The reality of the FLR and chastity evolve slowly. She needs time to find her way and if you keep fucking it up she will resent you. Once that happens it’s hard to repair. You need to slow down and do as she says. I know that you know in your head exactly how she should act and what she should say to you. Forget those fantasy in your head. You guys need to make new fantasy together. Let her learn how to control and you need to learn to follow. You know how mad you get when she doesn’t do what you think she should do, well she is that mad at you because you aren’t doing what you need to do. And she probably has very little confidence at this point so what little she has you crush it by putting to much pressure on her. Ok, I will stop ranting now. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Your wife might not hang in there like mine did. Let it grow and have fun and don’t keep score.
You are not a bad person, just not very good at submitting. I guess where you might have gone off the wrong way, is asking for help for her when it’s you that needs the advice. Want to stop bugging her...stop bugging her. You want to stop topping from the bottom, quit telling her how to dominate you. You want her to keep you in line, quit acting out. I understand it’s difficult, if it was easy, it wouldn’t be submission, it would be called something else. Good luck to both of you
True, Mash nails it again. And for her: submissive guys need to submit. We can lose our way when we don't feel the tug on our chain. Try to take a minute -- literally, one -- to make him feel your leadership a few times a day, to let him know you haven't forgotten his submission and that you *expect* it.
As @Gigaman said there are going to lots of different answers because what works for one might not work for another. For some ending chastity would be the worst punishment but for others it would actually be just what they want because they would rather be free. Punishment is very person specific. You need to view it as what he will not enjoy. Whether it's corner time, spanking, or just simply taking away his phone. Ultimately we can't say what will work. You know him best use it to your advantage.
There is an inherent contradiction at the heart of the chastity fantasies that I surmise most of us start out with. We have in our minds hot scenes involving sexy women doing particular things that excite us. We fantasise about being that man and of women taking control away from us. But if we tell our spouses precisely how we want them to act, are we actually holding on to the control we say we want to lose? And if they don't do it exactly as we wanted are we surprised we are disappointed? Giving control means having someone else decide and accepting you might be disappointed. The alternative is merely role play.
Ok... Please do not do anything I say. I am not qualified to give any kind of advice... Now that we have that out of the way... I think this may be what you are looking for. First she should lock you up and take all keys. She should not unlock you until she feels like she has a good understanding of where she would like to take your relationship. She will know how long to lock you after she has read this whole post. Second you (the husband) should ask her (the wife) if she would be comfortable reading some literature. Then ask her to do some research on Female Led Relationships (FLR). If she doesn't want to spend all of HER time researching how to deal with YOUR fantasy, you could provide her links to sites dealing with FLR and books from Georgia Ivey Greene. This information may come from websites that she doesn't quite feel comfortable reading from (cuckold consultant etc.) but the best one seems to be off the web now (about.flr) so either you or she is going to need to do some leg work. Next I suggest you (the husband) write down everything that you want your relationship to be and give it to her on a sheet of paper. Then I suggest that she writes everything down that she wants in the perfect husband, relationship, sex life, home life, free time, money etc. Then she reads your list to herself and then throws it away (burning it would be even more dramatic) and keeps her list. I suggest that she reads as much as she can about FLR and not share what she knows or what she plans, but participates at the level that she feels comfortable, and allows you to participate as well. Now that she knows everything, SHE CAN ASK YOU IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN HER FANTASY... WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE HOLDING YOUR KEY, OR PUNISHING YOU BUT BRINGS GREAT JOY INTO HER LIFE! You are welcome.
Ok, bringing this back up. My kh has read everyone's responses thus far. She does not go on this forum or any other forums for that matter, so I just waited till she asked about it for me to pull it up for her. She liked most of what she read as advice, then asked me what I had learned. We discussed a few things and told me she will not reply as its not her thing. Although more advice welcome. Her words. Thanks for everyone's replies. And many of you are right, I need the advice. And I am getting better at this. And from this her confidence continues to grow! I will also say, reading some of the replies I think some may have interpreted our situation incorrectly. Before chastity I was always a loving husband. Our relationship strong. I just jacked it to much, and got frustrated at the frequency we had sex. Now that has all changed. I only come out when she wants. I do even more for her then ever before, and we are both loving it. No FLR, just sexual control. My comments of trying to get away with things, as the they pertain to our chastity play / lifestyle are around these lines. I am not allowed to ask, or god forbid beg for sexual things. I would see how much I could hint, then suggest, then ask. See what I could get and not get punished. Well she has let me know, that is changing. Again, thanks all. And one major thing I have learned, and understand now is that I am extremely lucky to have someone like my key holder!
Personally, as a woman who had no knowledge of chastity before dating @Skinky, I would honestly not want anything to do with a chastity lifestyle if my s.o introduced me this world and then challenged everything and made it difficult to pursue/enjoy. I don’t think you’re a bad person, but have you questioned if chastity is the right lifestyle/kink for you? If your answer would be yes you think it is for you, then you really do need to start trying to be more submissive to her because the more resistance she gets, the more a chore it’s going to be, rather then something to bring you both closer. If you feel it is for you, some advice for her: - make him wear a pair of your panties. If too small or too big, buy him a couple pairs (mine fit my guy.. he’s wearing a pair as I write this). Make sure to remind him who’s in control as you pull off his underwear and put the girls ones on him. -as hard as it is to be physical toward the person you love (I’m still working on this myself cos I’m really gentle natured too and I feel I’m hurting him), trying getting a whip and whipping his bare ass while making him say who’s in charge. -demand he do things for you without questions asked. If he does not listen, then cage left on. He’s not to touch himself and you don’t touch him. Make him miss it. Make him learn to be good. -while making out, being intimate, make him repeat submissive statements to you.. such as ‘my mistress is in charge’ (then he repeats) To your KH, as I said above, I would not want to engage in this lifestyle with my s.o if they were not on board fully too. So if he’s not good, and continues to not learn, just stop it, take it away and then see what happens. My bf is very devoted, and any misbehaviour he’s punished for, but I don’t need to too often.
Kitten found and is reading this book now on her Kindle. http://www.wonder-woman.info/ds/The Good Wifes Guide to Taking Charge - Rebecca Lawson.pdf I found a free copy online and have read most of it. Think I might be in trouble... "Male Chastity: A Guide For Key Holders" is also a good book. It is how I introduced the idea of chastity to Kitten.