Wife finds orgasm control too stressful

One thing you didn’t mention is your actions and words that may make her feel stressed.

It doesn’t have to be tease and denial, it can be as simple as her unlocking you when she wants it out, and nothing to do with you. Are you begging her to unlock you, asking her to tease, etc, if so it may not be fun for her. If you keep it just as a tool and not something else that she has to worry about it can be quite easy and stress free.

When she doesn’t feel like a warden, she may start feeling like the giver of gifts instead of a parent that takes away toys.

 

That sounds more hopeful to me.
It seems as though you love one another.
I bet it will work it's way out.

 

You say you tried the FLR thing: how did that work out?

 

I understand this may sound extreme and maybe not possible, but why not ask her to tell you"never"?

 

Both my wife and I felt a huge sense of relief when we decided no more orgasms for me

 

Don't think it's chastity when you allways get what you need?!?!
But in the end I only can agree with your wife, as In find my orgasm control stressful as well!

 

Understood and good luck to you and your wife finding what works best for the two of you

 

I understand your wifes stress. You might have her try using Emlalock, which eliminates the stress if done right. Or have her message me and I can help her out.

 

What is your wife getting out of this? Serious question.

 

Amen brother.

It took my Wife and I many years of hard work and lots of therapy to find a balemce that works for us,

 

The simple answer is to get a timelock "ksafe" off amazon, and use that. She can set the time, but no decision making is required after that.

You could also do what we've done and actually seal your device in some way, so a positive decision to unlock is required. The snag with that is that the decision may never come.

 

She's not sexual. You are. That situation is always going to be stressful for someone.

 

How did this come about? What was her issue / desire that led to this decision, or was it your request? And if your request, how did she address her needs?

 

It was a process that went back and forth and I will try to summarize key phases.

First almost 30 years ago when we were first dating She planted the seed (no pun intended) by telling me about the Taoist principle of male retention of chi energy by the male refraining from ejaculation. I thought that was the craziest thing I had ever heard of (although part of me was intrigued) and said I needed to cum whenever we had sex.

I won't go through the history of our relationship but suffice to say my sexual drive was much stronger than Hers and that we had a lot of stress in our marriage over sex. I used to pester her all the time and masturbate habitually to porn and to do worse - we had to first deal with those issues in theraoy before my wife accepted my pleas for chastity 3 years ago

The next milestone was that we both agreed that I should not be allowed to ever ask for sex. We schedule weekly intimate time together but it is up to my Wife to decide if and when I am allowed to be unlocked and when unlocked if I am allowed to have any sexual stimulation. We often spend that time together talking or reading to each other or with me massaging Her while remaining locked.

Next step was about a year ago we decided it was better if I did not cum inside Her while having PIV sex (which we typically have once a month or so). This way I concentrate on Her pleasure instead of mine. Plus I love how it feels to be teased and denied.

After that I had a couple of ruined orgasms until I developed better control during PIV.

Last fall I told Her I really wanted to cum inside Her again. She said she would consider it and might allow it sometime but She would not tell me in advance. That caused a lot of tension and stress and 2 months later (without having been allowed to cum inside Her) we agreed it was better to go back to the no cumming inside Her ever rule

The next step was this winter I asked if I could give myself a prostate stimulated anal orgasm (while locked) when She went on a vacation with 2 women friends. She said ok but that she would be disappointed if I did. I said I would stop before cumming but I ended up not stopping and felt bad afterward. I hope to have the self control not to do that again

 

I should add that She uses Her vibrator to give Herself orgasms.

 

How many men can relate to that I wonder?

Most that are in a relationship I should think.

and how many stop to think about what they no longer do for or with her now?

Maybe it cuts both ways.

 

@Gargoyle have you really talked to her about what she wants, what

i think before looking at methods that making locking you easier for her it would be more prudent to see if there are other factors in your lives that are effecting your wife’s sex drive. You mentioned “stress” specifically and she may have so much stress between work and home life that she doesn’t feel sexual. The last thing you want is for her to feel obligated to have sex with you versus wanting sex with you. It might be time to sit down with her and have a heart to heart conversation about why she doesn’t really have a sex drive, what’s blocking her from wanting that. If she used to attend parties related to the matter as you said, she certainly had an interest at one point.

My wife had a real rough go of it about 5 years ago before we started chastity. I initiated chastity to help bring our intimacy and focus on each other back but I made a major mistake that a lot of us guys make. I focused more on pushing her to do kinky stuff with me and become the dominatrix of my dreams instead of giving her time to learn and become the dominatrix she wants to be. I realize you aren’t pushing the kinky stuff that she’s already willing to do it but I think what I have to say still applies.

Although she really did enjoy chastity from the start, it wasn’t until I had a “come to Jesus” with myself that I realized I wasn’t making any of this about her even though I was telling myself I was and I believed it. All I was doing was trying to earn kink for my good behavior, but I should of been doing all those things because I love her and sex shouldn’t have been my main focus. I started to pay way more attention to what was stressing her out and what I could do to help relieve that stress, truly pamper and serve her, make her feel like the goddess she is.

Once I made it more about her needs and pampered her with love and attention, her interest in chastity grew even more, her sex drive got stronger and stronger and she started to dominate me in many ways and has been loving every minute of it when I took my own selfishness out of the equation.

I’m not saying our situations are identical or remotely the same but my main point is that you should look at the core of your relationship and other outlying factors that might be inhibiting her sex drive. Start by accessing her needs first, show her you really plan on making this about her comfort and needs. At any rate, your relationship will be better for it. Good luck!

 

So we’ve had a few rounds of chastity over the years. My wife went from alarmed to being ok with it to enjoying it and leaning in on it a bit but she doesn’t do research or isn’t up for reading a post or story etc. This most recent round I’ve up’d my game – doing the ALL of the laundry, dishes, cleaning up all of the time. It’s foreplay ; ). And if I’m not stressed out about work or something else in my life, I can usually get some sort of buzz / euphoria doing these tasks. I’ve also lowered my sexpectations a little and let things come at her cadence as she grows into her sexuality more and more, and she has grown a ton so I no longer felt lost like I did before. 6 years ago, she thought it was gross for me to go down on her. Recently, we both worked out and earlier had been flirting that we were going to make out (that is code for me going down on her ; ). I asked her if she was ready and she reminded me that I hadn’t showered yet. When I was done, she noted she would hold off on her so she could clean up after – hot (and hotter because it was another organic baby step). Then we proceeded to “make out” to her DVR’d Real House Wives shows and she now even requests toys. Then she showered ; ).


So some things that have worked for me to get her more engaged and or more involved:

In general, start with something that is familiar with her and slowly extend from there. Try and steer that towards things that will be good for you, but for it to work, it has to be things that she would like. I've got a total foot fetish - do you? That seems to be common in these crowds. Anyway, that is so innocuous - my wife will almost never turn down a foot rub when we're on the couch and I get to drip precum every time. Shoulder and head rubs in passing. Offer body rubs before bed (no mention of sex); I call that tucking her in. She lays sideways on the bed so she can see the TV and watch DVR'd shows. I start at her lower back and go up to shoulders and head (go buy one of those wire head massagers at best buy or bed bath and beyond). Then I go down and rub and kiss feet that are hanging off the side of the bed. I spend a bit of time there on my knees. Then I go up and bury my face all over her ass. Hopefully I have some stubble for her For most of the year, she is wearing pajamas so it is so not sexual and completely sexual at the same time.

Release schedule: A great way to take the wind out of your sails is when your at 2 weeks or whatever and it is an afterthought or she forgot. Again, find something familiar and simple and start there. Do you and or your wife use a personal calendar of your own or shared? and I assume so and everyone has a smartphone. Don't make her remember your release, just agree to something simple make it a recurring appointment on your calendar (I use google) and send her an invite. I prefer a personal account, but even sending to a work account (if that is all that she uses) would be innocuous - find out what she is already using and ask if you can do that. I have a recurring meeting every 2 weeks called "Release." As you get closer, you can both note it in passing and small talk and take it wherever you want / can. If you slip up on something, it will be really easy for her to verbally tell you add a day or add a week or whatever, then you update the appointment. The other recurring meeting I put in is her period ; )

Keyholding and Putting it on / taking off: my wife doesn't wear or hold they key. She doesn't put it on or take it off. That would be great, but since she isn't into that, who cares? I do give her the heads up if I am going to take it off for a shower; kind of ask permission or if we are going somewhere there is a metal detector, I will ask her if she wants me to switch to my plastic cage. She plays along and a cute way.

Other times when she has me take it off: Sometimes, when I'm going to go down on her when she is watching a show she'll request that I unlock. This means I get piv but not to come ... just going back and forth with piv then oral. Ahhh heavan. That might be asking too much of her on a given night. Every now and then, I'll request to snuggle which means I get to unlock and she is in my arms in bed playing with me. Not a full blown hand job, but enough to put me into a trance.

Sharing your thoughts / kinks with her: This has been really hard for me. My wife won't watch porn or look at any of the so many pictures that are helpful out there. She quickly read a few articles, "got it," but won't take that any further. This drive's me nuts. I've told her that it will take me months to try something and a while for me to figure out if she even likes it, but I never really get straight feedback, just trial and error with toys and techniques. I'm like ... or ... you could watch a 3 minute video and we can give it a try . Each couple's abilities to communicate will vary, but my answer to this is to use something like Tumblr. Set up an account for you and your wife. Create a blog only you and her can see. From there, I can write to her or share pictures or memes. I also created a google album with just pictures of her. I go through spurts where I take tons of candids of her without her knowing - they are all g rated. Then I show her the album from time to time or let her know I was perusing it. I'll also make memes of her and share them only with her on tumblr and I can hint at my asks when I do that. Mostly very subtle things though ... it's tough to turn down our male horniness, but they usually don't go over as well with the women. I'll have one that says something like, "You've been a good boy, I'll let you rub my feet and tuck me in tonight." The other great thing about finding something like tumblr and IMHO, you NEED to find something like it. It can't be texts. She can go to tumblr when she wants. Do this via text, and you'll risk coming on too strong and at the wrong time. And via text, you definitely can't send memes or pics that are testing your boundaries. I guess my only exception on text if she was sitting with me or in the next room or something - can't risk something popping up that is quasi inappropriate if you don't know what her situation is.

Tasks and To Dos: use a free app like Quire that is available on the web or your phone. I've experimented with this a little - we aren't really doing it now. Again, keep it simple and easy on her. When this was working for us, I was creating the lists and assigning them to myself and she would use it to monitor and we'd bring up the app when going over our day or next few days. She didn't really have to do anything though - it was just there for her.


Some other ideas I want to do:

Write out scenarios with plot setting and characters. I want to do this more so for my wife than me. I'm sure I can come up with a dozen or so scenarios that would be fun for me - I want to get her feedback to see what she would like. Even ideas where I'm the dominant ... maybe i'm the dr and she needs a body massage or oral attention and she needs to follow dr's order etc. I'd like to see if role playing would be fun for her and or make it easier to act things out after some thought went into way ahead of time. From there, I am hoping to establish a handful of different scenarios that will allow me to slowly test out things.

...

Well, i typed up way more than I was expecting. I hope that was helpful. Main take away's: Find things she already likes and start there (e.g. massages) and ways to communicate she is already using (e.g. calendar) and find a new way to share stuff that only the 2 of you can use (e.g. Tumblr). Also, I only cited this briefly, but take care of every loose end around the house possible. Catch her off guard with dishes, doing / folding laundry and whatever you can do and bring no attention to it. When she brings it up, ask if you've earned a footrub, body rub or watching DVR'd shows ; ). One last thing, if and when she pulls out on the footrub, body rub or watching DVR'd shows, ask her when the make up appointment and hold her accountable ; )