FUBAR an amazing scene

I take it was a first time you and you sub did this. If it is he will understand that this is a learning curve for you as well as him. Just tell him the truth and give him time and it should work it self out.

 

It sounds as if the eroticism of a shared fantasy got out of hand and was enacted before either of you were ready for it. Some have the opinion that a sub should just do what he's told and deal with it. Personally I no time for that attitude.

I've posted before that D/s is all about communication. The communication to establish mutual fantasies, desires and boundaries. The communication (often non verbal) to know when the other has reached a limit. This is what creates the necessary trust that allows you to explore and push limits.

You lost control of the situation and yourself. That in itself will give him doubts regarding his trust in being safe with you. Most D/s relationships will go through something similar. The key is in what you both do to recover the situation.

It will take work but you both need to be able talk and talk and talk. Admit you got it wrong and failed to protect not just him, but yourself. Try to work it out with him how you both recover from it. Don't worry that you have to show him how vulnerable you are at this time, a domme does not have to always pretend to be invulnerable. A sub is still a male and his desire to cherish and protect is very strong.

No one but yourselves will know if you can recover the relationship but if you don't talk about it, open up to each other in an almost painful way then you probably won't recover it. If you do work it out it will be an amazing learning experience, your relationship will change to a degree, your understanding of each other will be much better and eventually you will both learn to recognise when the other is not ready to explore the reality of a new fantasy.

Trust can be re-established in time.

Good luck to you both.

 

I understand that feeling.

It's unlikely that both as a male and a sub that he will make the first move. The longer the silence between you the easier it is for you to drift apart.

The initial move to get the talking process started has to come from you and there's two painful parts to it. You'll have to explain to him all your fears that surfaced and start analysing why they happened. The second painful thing will be when you get him to open up just as much in response. You're both liable to hear things you don't want to hear. But without them being aired, tears being shed you'll have no chance.

This is where you learn to be strong as woman and a domme. So far he's wanted you in both those roles and trusted you to protect what's under your control. So he's hurt and confused, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still want you. It maybe that you have to drop the domme role until you're both ready to go there again. But if you do you'll both be better prepared for it.

 

No, you made a mistake in pushing too far too soon without either of you truly understanding that a mutual fantasy turned in to reality is often on the knife edge of beauty and danger.

You'll only fail him and yourself if you can't or won't make the effort to heal it.

Why do you think he can't forgive, so long as you give him reason to ? And the hardest part to complete any healing will be to forgive yourself. If you can reach that point you'll be on a totally different level of relationship - it's worth striving for.

 

@Lady Jezerae Welcome to the Mansion. You don't say whether your subbie actually agreed to this. I take it he did. Also, have you used a strapon with him? Was he hurt physically or mentally? You say, you were scared. Was this because of your subbie or other fears. My advice would be to talk, as others have said. I'm sure with a little compassion and understanding you will both be ok. Time is a great healer.

 

Hi and welcome

So he was not physically harmed and not mentally harmed so what after care did you not give him?

As every body has said talk and more talking . It might have been a bit of a surprise but notionally you are both going to be ok

Xx Wendy

 

I think it was very brave of you to post at all - so well done on asking for help in the first place. Really.

So you've taken a bit of a hit in the self confidence department. It's natural in the circumstance, so you are at least functioning as a well adjusted person would, which all bodes well in my view.

First you must forgive yourself. As in, do not beat yourself up about it. It only damages yourself.
Second - I think all the advice is there already. Talk to him, tell him about your feelings and how they changed as the scene progressed, and ask him about his feelings. Tell him about your feelings now, and ask about his feelings.

Do not discuss in terms of fears for the future, more in terms of ways you can progress that can help nurture.

But first - forgive yourself.

And have a hug! Hugs always help.

 

trust yourself as much as him.if you both agreed then it wasn't trust you broke.you were just a little lax in your aftercare.he will be ok and you need to let up on yourself.

 

So he needed you. Was that communicated verbally or how? Were you supposed to know, or guess, or what?

If he didn't communicate his need then he's failed you in some way also, and set you up to fail. If that is the case then I think he's not being entirely fair on you.

Keep talking, you'll work it out.

 

The power of what we do comes from it being close to the edge. Going over is just a hazard we must accept.

 

That is very deep !

I am still not clear from the op as to how or what went wrong.
The third person was accepted by both parties and apparently the sex was consensual .
If the come down was a particularly severe post coital depression then that is just what it was.

Either never do it again or go with the old mantra do something at least twice to see if you really do or don't like it.

Personally I would always prefer to go to the edge and if it looks ok and I trust the people I am playing with , (the only ones I play with) then I always say yes.
So long as I don't end up in jail or hospital I am good to go!

Have I done things where I am a bit tender the next day of course if its a couple of days I am probably asking if they are free next week.

Have I had conversation "you know what we did last time well could we do it like this or how about so and so .

Experiencing something new is called living it keeps me looking forward to tomorrow every day .

Xx Wendy

 

Yes, craving a life on the edge, can be a hazard. Ask those frozen bodies on Mount Everest, or better there left alone families back home...

Going slower is however nothing to be ashamed of... By doing so you mature on each level, improve your skills , and your own and your partners self-awareness before you decide to move to more extreme measures. In the process there are so many nice edges to encounter, - no need to go for the big one in first attempt...
Hazards will still be there, We need them, to lift everyday life to higher ground - but they will not be running wild to the same extend..... It is not as spectacular as it could be, -but today I get my kinks and my edging from less. Yet it does not seem to take away the joy and excitement ....

Sincerly BlueEyes

 

Hey Lady
Sorry to hear That it got out of hand...
We all agree that being a domme is a great responsibility. Often the biggest task is to protect the sub/slave from dropping over the edge completely, -and not to push him...
I would guess that if a domme fails to protect - no matter the reason, the slave can be "wounded" in body , or - in this case - in soul..
You will have to pick strangers much more carefully - or keep away form the concept of "A stranger" completely.
From how this has played out I would step down from "strangers" , - If you do not hold the power to control them.
Agree?

The violation of his trust can have more to it... Just a thought: Just as much as he feel violated, he can be deeply disappointed, that his conception of your superiority was damaged severely, by realizing that you was not powerful enough to control this stranger.....

Anyway, -You have to fix it, and talking is a good thing. Patching up is in order, but also some soul searching on your behalf. You may have to adjust your taking on your own Domme skills. They have to be in sync with reality, otherwise you will end up hurting him again....

Best of luck to both of You...