An uphill struggle

Have you been tempted to suggest to these women that they put their husband in chastity and then tease & deny them to get them motivated?

 

I'm the same. My wife wants me to stop trying to please everyone and do everything. To express my desires.

The couple I mentioned in my previous post. from Felicitas and Rama. Rama's mantra was "Happy wife, Happy Life", This nauseated Felicitas. She wants a strong man who knows what he wants, isn't trying to please and takes charge to get it.
I'm likewise strong, responsible, cook, clean, all that stuff, which is handy, but isn't what lets a woman feel safe and embrace her feminine.

 

So Acts of Service are not her love language. Maybe pursue daily words of affirmation / compliments, occasional gifts, and companionship (work on stuff together, take her on dates, go for walks together, talk about how she's feeling about (life, her job, your relationship. the kids, her family, her friends, etc), engage in the eentertainment, TV programs &/or social media sites she watches).

 

Noooo…. I mean, yes, you could do that… but being open has seemed to have worked so far, so why not do more of that?
Now this might sound really stupid! As all of my brilliant ideas often are, but have you thought of being really open? You know those little events, those little interactions you have with other people. The ones you’d never tell your wife? Why not mention those?
I told my wife of one the other day, just some girl (who’s young enough to be my daughter I will add and doesn’t appeal to me in that way), she always stares at me when I’m at work. I hadn’t seen her for a while and the other day she happened to be about and made me feel, well, uncomfortable. I told my wife… she didn’t get angry, she told me something unrelated but in the same vain. It all got a little hot and rather quite passionate…
After, I felt a little daft that I thought I should hide this from my wife. I’d never cheat, but why shouldn’t she know I’m still desirable to others?

 

Thanks for that extra info. You sound a lot like me in that regard, so we can definitely remove the lazy husband issue from this. It sounds like IB-Chaste has summed her up well.

At this point, I think you just need to let her walk in on your masturbating a few times until she tells you to cage up. Just kidding, but that always seems like it should be the quick fix.

You said "I think the dislike of the cage is related to this control of me she needs exert. In that sense it isn't my body - it's hers, as in she owns it." If that is true, then it seems like she should want to keep her penis nice and locked up until she wants to play with it. Perhaps she just has a hangup about you wearing a sex toy - which may be the most likely issue with the whole thing.

 

YES!!! Brilliant!

 

ChasteJase said: ↑
At this point, I think you just need to let her walk in on your masturbating a few times until she tells you to cage up.

Funny thing...pre-chastity, I decided to do this in bed one morning while my wife was downstairs. Then decided to be right on edge of orgasm as she walked in on me. She loved it! (I did not get to have an orgasm).

I think it was a moment of honest vulnerability...we talked about it, and ultimately I think it helped enable chastity. Because I became more comfortable talking about it, and she appreciated that I was able to do that in front of her.

 

Also some women don’t care about their partners masterbating. Do we know that @hopefulhubby’s does? (This thread is too long to read back through it all). She seems like the type of person who wouldn’t be bothered.

 

One of them I did - basically right after my husband and I started because I couldn’t stop thinking about how it could fix the parts of her relationship that bother her. She did ask her husband if he ever fantasized about being locked up and he said he “didn’t think he would like that.” She also is so unattracted to and “disgusted” by his body that the idea of teasing him is unappealing. The other friend I casually mentioned that she should Google FLR and she responded as I mentioned above - that she doesn’t WANT to make all the decisions, that she wants him to have an opinion, to help direct their etc. It’s frustrating to me to hear them respond this way and I would love to push it but I also don’t want to foist my kink on them - as I have learned from all of you is a big no-no.

I think what @knightly has been talking about might be what is going on. Maybe I’ll recommend that TV show.

I am pretty flummoxed by @hopefulhubby’s wife - maybe he should have her read this thread - she might get a kick out of seeing everyone trying to figure her out and then just tell you what the deal is.

 

My wife has breakfast with a group of friends once a month. They all complain that their husbands don't help them out around the house. She is very reluctant to tell them about our dynamic because she doesn't want to brag and hasn't been comfortable sharing why our situation has changed including chastity. But she is getting a little more comfortable talking about sexuality with them now. I think it would be great for her to tell them about the effects of tease & denial on a husband.

Yeah, I agree! It's hard to know. There are so many things that can factor into a situation like this. What are the factors that put the "brakes" on your libido and cause you not to be interested in physical intimacy with your husband?

 

I think that's the difference between your wife and mine. Although mine doesn't want to have to do much to motivate me to love her, please her and attend to her needs, she does realize that it takes tease & denial to get my motor running. And for her, it becomes very arousing and gets her in the mood much more often for sexual pleasure herself.

 

This cracked me up!

No, I think it’s pretty clear that there’s an issue more deep rooted than if she will accept a cage or not.
If I’m being brutally honest, part of the problem maybe that you are looking to her to fulfil your need for something more than you currently have. I’m not suggesting that you don’t have a good or life and I’m not suggesting you have a neglectful partner, but maybe in the absence of anyone else you look to her to fill your time. She may view chastity as just another example of this.

I don’t know the ins and outs of why your both spend so much time together, but i did a quick google search (proper relationship counsellor and all that) and it’s recommended that you spend at around 30% of you time apart. Giving each other time and space to pursue your own interests.

This maybe wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I think it highlights a little that you feel resentment towards her for having her own hobbies. My relationship is different, but when I see my wife playing video games I find it quite appealing. She’s so bad it’s funny! I guess part of me knows she will put it down at some point and find time for me, so that makes it easier, but if we’ve been together all day she may not feel obliged to create more time for me.

I personally believe that maybe you use the ‘power of chastity’ to harness your motivation… but away from your partner. Use it to create a better lifestyle for yourself, get out and see other people (not on a sexy way!) and look forward to seeing your wife rather than accepting it as a routine. Do something that you enjoy, but with a purpose. For me, I need a purpose to be somewhere as social interactions just for the sake of them make me feel uncomfortable, but something along the lines of volunteer work that had a reason/requirement for me attendance would create that opportunity to interact with others.

 

Yes, I agree with this 100%. She doesn’t try because there is no reason for her to - she knows you’ll be there every hour of every day from now until eternity. She doesn’t need a sexual partner so yeah, you are a roommate - a roommate she likes, of course.
If you spend some time out of the house doing something like volunteering it would at least help take your mind off of it and maybe give you something else to talk about.

 

I couldn't agree more with the previous two comments.

If she's really into video games, she's getting her stimulation and dopamine fix that way. Physical touch is entirely undesirable when engaged in a game because it interferes with her pleasure / fix.

Chastity should increase your need for connection with other human beings. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually & physically. I agree.... lock yourself up so that you can't pleasure yourself. If she complains, tell her you need it so that you can learn self-control. Tell her you need it for better emotional health. Then start getting out of the house and building relationships.... volunteer, go visit a variety of churches, join a hobby club, enroll in a language class. You don't have to get romantically involved with anyone else, but you will be happier and begin to enjoy the company of others. Maybe this will be what she needs to see you in a different light and begin to desire you for more than a comfortable roommate. Eventually, she'll get tired & bored with the status quo of your current relationship. But if you get out and developed other relationships that are fun, stimulating & exciting, she'll start to react. Your current existence is unhealthy for both of you. Do it because you have her best interests at heart and not just for yourself.

 

A visual way to depict the dynamic of what is going on (with craving dopamine, dynamic of chastity/orgasm control, pleasure/pain balance):

 

That's really good! It sounds like I need to stop engaging with CM so much and start taking frequent ice baths!

 

Me too

 

My wife has been reading Dopamine Nation and recently reached this section and wants to talk about it. I am curious to learn more. Polar bear club here we come!

It's interesting to think about all of the areas of our lives that are out of balance, leading towards quick fix dopamine hits to sustain a false sense of happiness and push away/deny the pain aspects and striving to achieve. The journey is the reward (which ties in great to chastity and orgasm denial.

 

That was very enlightening. Thanks for posting the link!

 

Good luck @hopefulhubby. We’re rooting for you and hope things turn out well for you. Xoxo