Married, submissive and my wife is just not into the D/s lifestyle.

I can only say that you should reconsider "I don't consider divorce a solution."
Being so different will mean that none of you two are truly happy and (most likely) wont be for the rest of your life. Sorry to be so negative, but that is my honest thoughts.

PS: I do hope you find a solution that makes both of you happy!

 

I'm not saying that divorce is the solution, but you should at least allow yourself to consider it, even if you ultimately decide against it.

 

It’s hard for me to give anything other than cold, analytical advice... your obviously far from happy but it also your wife is far from happy also. Can you ask her what she wants? Not say or ask to discuss what you feel or want, just her? Does she still love you and want to be with you? Is she still attracted to you? Does she still want to be married? Is religion an issue for her? (You mentions she thinks you will go to hell... )
Obviously be aware the answers may be as life changing as it was for her walking in on you.

 

If separation isn't an option, and if her participation in your kink isn't an option, then there's little you can do, I'm afraid.

However, just because she won't participate and be the domme doesn't mean you can't be submissive. Just assume she is in control and behave that way. It doesn't necessarily matter that she isn't instructing you to serve her if you do so anyone. And that way you are putting yourself in the place you want to be.

Not ideal, but more positive maybe?

Good luck

 

Have you explained to her all the benefits of owning and doninating you? She no longer does any housework or yardwork. Sex becomes all about her pleasure.

 

So there has been no physical intimacy since the day she caught you 17 years ago? What has prevented it?

 

I think you need a long look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay in a loveless relationship. Sounds like you're just staying together because its easier than going through the separator/divorce.

Like others I'm not advocating divorce, but you sound as though your despairing with your life and blaming on your kink preferences

 

First of all I want to say that for every piece of shit loser scumbag out there cheating on his wife and using sexual kink as the excuse there is also someone like you. Genuine, kind, and not wanting to cause future harm to your spouse. Which I really and truly respect. But with that being said, it sounds like your wife does not share the same courtesy to you. She is unwilling to accept you. The way you are programmed, your essence, your fucking soul are submissive. Your wife's bullshit religious beliefs are keeping her from seeing the bigger picture. She could fuck you with a strap-on once a week or she could ignore you until you finally crack (everyone eventually does) and get fucked by a man. She's pushing you towards the second one. I am sorry that you tied your wagon to someone that would rather be "holy" then "happy". Tammy Wynette said it best sugar. I wish you well.

 

This is nothing to do with the size of you penis. Its basic respect. I was divorced by a cheat, my now wife was cheated by her ex. Here we may all liked getting locked and ridiculed but there's mostly love here. Ditch the bitch

 

Each couple is different,but I see several similarities in our histories.
My KH/ Wife is exactly like your wife,100% vanilla,raised as a Catholic,strong traditional family,etc. ...and whithout an inclination to divorce.
I will skip telling about the years I was considered a pervert and chastity was unthinkable.
I recommend you reading the blog of Chastity Perkins,a reluctant wife.
Just cage yourself for one year and let chastity work its magic!
Be the nicest husband/ submissive/slave your wife could ever imagine!
It will be slow, but inexorable,she will get accustomed to you pampering her.
Remember: not a single word about chastity!
Although she will be aware of you wearing your cage and never coming out.
Eventually ,overhelmed by so much attention,she will ask about your needs and you will answer.In our case my KH/Wife has outsourced all the teasing,tormenting,etc. to a Masseuse and a ProDomme,because she still considers not getting involved the best thing to do,but in order to me not stopping being "so nice", she indulges in facilitating all I need to enjoy a submissive's life in chastity.

 

That may help them stay married but she has already lost interest and doesn’t see him as a sexual interest anymore. If he’s okay having her as a friendly room mate, go for it.

 

Life is complex like that. You can love and respect someone, but also be hurt on a profound level that they called your sexuality "perverted" and recoiled with such force that it caused you to question everything. She sounds like an intelligent and strong Woman who will never shake off cultural programming to be the Domme to your sub. The best you can do is be consistent, and try to work on solutions. Be honest with Her consistently and be direct. At least one day She might understand that you are hard-wired this way.

 

When we started, my wife had a hard time accepting me as her submissive, but now she wonders why we didn't start this many years ago. She teases and denies my orgasms multiple times a day and I do most of the housework. It works for both of us.

 

Sorry, but I need to scream if I read what you're writing about "couldn't be a man for my wife."
This is really bad, beeing a man has nothing (!) to do with the size of your penis.
If you really have this belief, how will you find luck in life, as you are unable to change the size of your dick. The best sex I had with woman was without using the thing between my legs to pleasure her.
If you have true passion for oral sex, be assured that most woman can be very (!) happy even without touching your dick at all.
And you can be a man and also a submissive at the same time. At least that's what I consider me.
I think it might be good to reconsider your partnership. You have the right to met someone who loves you and care for you.
I broke up my relationship after 20 years and found my love of my life. We had very open discussions and she said, that she might not like everything but that she would never judge me.
Fast forward a few month and I am now locked and have no access to the key, she has agreed to take all my salary and we a contract which is completely written by her.
If someone would have told me this 12month ago when I was in my old relationship I would have laughed and answering "fiction! fake!".
I think you deserve more, don't feel ashamed or like a pervert. You're not!
Wish you all the best.

Edit: btw my new girl and also me are having the best sex I had within the last 35 years. And Orgasm ratio is: ~ 15:1 and there is no "penis action" involved at all.
So you can be a man and pleasure woman. No dick needed!

 

Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to tell us. I read from it you were in a loveless relationship and were being ridiculed for having a small penis and your sexual desires/kinks. Personally I don't have a problem with either of these, we all are who were are. My point was why stay in a loveless relationship where there is no respect.

And if that is not the case, then please accept my apologies and I wish you best in your relationship wherever that takes you.

 

I would also raise the same question. If someone - more important the person I share my life with - would call me "pervert" and that this would be the only communication, I would also say that there is no respect towards you.
It's up to her of she likes what you are doing and even more if she wants to be involved but you did nothing which should get you the tag "pervert" and no physical exchange for 17 (!) years.
This is cruel.
To me it sounds like the situation is bad, but no bad enough to get you ready for a change.

 

I suspect you won’t find the answer you are looking for here. You are a good man for remaining dedicated and devoted. In many ways, you already have a D/s relationship, just a vanilla one. She seems to be in control of the bedroom as you seem willing to engage there. She also has control of the household as you have had to spend so much time on an opposite schedule from others.

Would you be happy in a D/s relationship focused on service rather than sex, intimacy, or kink?

However, it does seem like there needs to be more communication around intimacy. Intimacy is different from sex. (Cuddling, back rubs, holding hands, opening doors for her, snuggling, looking into each other’s eyes, sharing secrets, etc) You seem interested in sex with men, but I didn’t see you say anything about wanting intimacy with men.

It does sound like your relationship needs professional help if you want to remain happy in it. You have proven yourself a dedicated partner. Hopefully she can recognize that and begin to rebuild on that part of you in a positive way.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like it has been a really long struggle for you and I can only imagine how uncomfortable it has been with this big elephant in the room for 17 years. I understand both sides— she was caught off guard because you were suddenly into fetishes/kinks that she knew nothing about or spoke about pre-marriage. What she thought your marriage and intimate aspects of it were for many years was not at all how you viewed it and that can be devastating if it’s not discussed. Additionally, if she genuinely thought your sex life was great while you secretly found it too vanilla but never said anything, it could have made her feel betrayed, hurt and resentful. Have you both ever sat down to talk about what she saw that day when she came home early and caught you?

I also understand your side of this because this is what turns you on and you can’t change it. Having an online Dom can be classified as cheating as well because it’s emotional with sexual aspects to it. Cheating doesn’t have to be in-person sexual contact, online relationship can be viewed as cheating too and can hurt almost as deeply and it sounds like you don’t want to hurt her feelings.
It also sounds like you both love each other and don’t want to divorce. When she moved your stuff to the other room she was communicating her anger/hurt but she didn’t leave. It has been years since you both had intimacy and yet she hasn’t left you. It sounds like she wants to make the marriage work but doesn’t know how and this puts you both on the same page since you have commented numerous times on not wanting to consider divorce. Many people resort to divorce if the sexual aspect of the relationship isn’t meeting the needs but after 30 years of marriage there’s far more substance to a marriage than fun sex or kinks and I completely understand not wanting to end your marriage over this since you have so many other memories and admirations for one another.

I think you should start off by mending the marriage first, you can’t expect her to jump into kinks and be excited about your fetishes if she’s hurt and feels betrayed. Start by talking to her, courting her, romanticizing her and reminding her why the 2 of you got married and stayed married in the first place. This will take time since you have 17 years of distance and hurt to overcome. She will bring up your fetishes and will ask about them— ease her into it, don’t jump right into the excitement of sharing everything you fantasize about and crave, she isn’t asking because she wants to join, she will be asking so that she can understand what she saw and what happened to your marriage. She will be asking questions that may feel like curiosity but she will be asking them to determine whether or not this is something shes into, and I’m telling you right now—She is not. That’s why you’ve been moved to a different room for 17 years and have not had any intimacy. But it doesn’t mean that can’t change later on. Once your marriage is on a good path start talking to her about her fantasies and things she might be into, at some point you will find something that she might be open to whether it’s chastity or something else. From there, you can gradually talk about introducing new things to it or add to it and you build from there. It will take time so you need to be patient.
When a marriage is healthy and happy it’s much easier to introduce new things to your sex life than when your marriage is strained. Sexual exploration in a marriage requires openness which comes with trust and closeness. Work on your marriage first.