Wife not attracted to me

Your insight is refreshing. I know for me chastity was very frightening even uncomfortable in the beginning. It is only because of a very patient partner that we have been able to experience this journey together. A partner who listened, understood and allowed me the time and space to grow. I've grown and changed much and now I can enjoy and appreciate all that chastity has brought to our lives. We are always learning about each others needs discovering all that is new and exciting along the way. Your view is admirable.

 

I hate the trade off of house-work / chores for sex and intimacy. Intimacy and connections are personality based -- its a soulful connection. Everything you recommend here smacks of desperation and rule-bookey, "how to-ey" shit that might work fleetingly for one or two occasions.

Male-Female connections aren't barter based.

If he really wants to "man-up" he might also say, "look, if you don't want to invest in our relationship and try to make things work, I'm going to start looking on the outside."

Who knows.

I would agree that the OP sounds sad and not particularly insightful about the dynamics of his marriage. One thing I might say is: A leopard doesn't change its spots. If she's not "into it" that might be the end of the story.

 

Well, this is one way of approaching the problem. It also assumes she alone is to blame. Possible, but not likely.

The multiple responses suggesting to seek counseling are likely the most successful opportunity to figure out where the mutual problems are.

 

Agreed.

 

@BR_Saiph , if your wife is in this with you (and it appears that she very much is) then you are as lucky as I am wise!

 

@macmagna I am a very lucky man indeed!

 

We don't usually talk about this particular option on this site, but it works for some people.

 

You absolutely have a right to expectations in your relationship as does anyone.

 

Sounds like a massive miss match. I'd go with a councillor, but if this has been going on for as long as you say.... i wouldn't have much faith in suddenly there being an epiphany. It kinda sounds like you're more of a housemate..... then a partner....

 

Right. So, think this is beyond FLR or chastity, then. You’re angry. It sounds like you’re done.

Counseling is probably the only way forward. I’ve just never done it. That and/or finding affection and attention outside of the relationship. Either ending this relationship or not.

I won’t give away all the details but we stuck through around that number years together, and were pretty distant (for reasons we both were part of) for many years... and we reconnected in December 2013, as I stated. We recently got through some of the most difficult circumstances together.

So things can turn around. But... it will take the both of you.

I do suggest. I still suggest, that in this relationship (as it is) you take all kink off the table, and work the foundational relationship (to borrow Ms Rika’s language from Uniquely Rika).

You have to have a relationship first, before you have any D/s or FLR, or whatever relationship with modifiers and adjectives.

This is probably the wrong forum.
And, I recommend you’ve got so much anger and built up expectations that you don’t want this to bleed into your next relationship (with her or anyone else).

So watch that.

Finally, maybe take care of your sexual desires yourself. And then once you’ve gotten your rocks off...

go out and do something, anything, that makes you happy. See friends. Get away. Have a hobby that brings you joy. Don’t let her pick the activities or restaurants. Be your own person. Regenerate and recharge. Don’t pour all your energy at home or with her and get nothing back in return.

I really am not a counselor her. None of us are.

Again, your problem has nothing to do with ChastityMansion. They are foundational.

 

I agree with @Peter Rabbit. You've got deeper problems than D/s - there are some deep-seated issues that you two need to resolve or think about going your separate ways.

 

There are two basic reasons by which a long term intimate relationship can break down. First, there must be a basic compatibility between the parties. Often, there is an incompatibility that is either ignored or not recognized.

The second reason is due to the fact that each person is an individual going through their life, and that they need to act in concert with each other for the relationship to continue. Move forward together. Otherwise, they move apart and go in different directions. This also includes the need for proper communication between the parties to facilitate moving together.

I believe that all relationship breakdowns are caused by one or both of these requirements being violated.

 

Sometimes we get complacent in long-term relationships, thinking things are just as good as they were when we were young and happily in love. But times goes on, circumstances change just as people do, and suddenly a couple that used to be together starts running on parallel tracks.

Sometimes both sides realise this and start doing something to bring that closeness back; sometimes they assume that's how a relationship should develop and go along with the parallel track running. And closeness follows intimacy; then the need to look after each other disappears; then the need to share - and then a couple becomes two housemates barely aware of each other.

Is it fixable? It can be if both sides see the need and urgency of the situation.

 

I think you should forget about male chastity as a way to your marriage, and get professional help. you have the right to be happy you are NOT her house slave.

 

I read a paper about rat sexuality once... When the male and female were introduced they humped like... well like rats in a cage... But after a week they stop spending time around each other and even the sex stops.

When they separate the rats for a week then put them back together they are attracted to each other for a day or two but then went back to spending time apart.

When they introduced the rats to other partners they immediately have sex fests again...

I guess what I learned from all of this was that 1. Our primal mammal brains are built for short term relationships to optimize gene diversification through sexual stimulation... or 2. That we are supposed to spend enough time away from our partner for us to miss them and them to miss us...

 

You're welcome. I realize that it probably wasn't the type of advice you were initially looking for, but I hope that something comes of therapy if you choose to take that route.

Not being desired by one's partner is indeed tough. Despite "for better or for worse", nobody I know ever admitted to signing up for that in a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage.

Stealth submission can, for some people, make a relationship tolerable, but it's generally frowned upon in the FLR groups I read because it's one-sided, there's rarely any reward for it, and at worst it's considered topping from the bottom.

Sometimes scraping away the fantasy and frills and seeing if the underlying relationship can be repaired is the only way.

I wish you both good luck!

 

I feel qualified to comment here because I am in the exact same boat. I haven't been on here for a while, but recent rediscovered the site and amazingly remembered the password.

Like yours, my wife is basically not interested in sex, never really has been, never talks about it or communicates any of her desires etc. Our sex life has therefore always been about doing it to please me. As such it has always been infrequent and to be honest always been seen as a bit of a chore on her part.

Throughout our 30 year marriage, I have always remained loving, attentive, loyal, a pretty good husband in my opinion. For the past 12 years or so, I have been trying to encourage my wife gentle to move our relationship more towards a wife led marriage, long ago giving up any real thought of being her slave/maid, although this is something that I think i would enjoy. We are great friend, long time partners and still enjoy each others company

I did try and introduce chastity a few years ago, as a way of maybe getting her to feel more in control, but it was something that she only tolerated and never encouraged it herself. I also got her to mutually sign a spoof contract making her "mistress of the house" and me her "maid", but again although she signed it, it has largely been ignored and forgotten about.

I've tried tease and denial, but she doesn't like denying me. I suspect because it makes her feel guilty, even though she knows that I enjoy it. Or more likely, because she knows that once I have orgasmed, she can feel as though she has done "her bit" for another month or so.

The bottom line here is I think, that like my wife your wife sounds as though she is just not interested in sex or sexual things and doesn't like to see you in a submissive role. I don't have any answers I am afraid but do sympathise greatly.

 

@Rybo i have read this thread and, well, i feel i can say some things.

Some important caveats: i am not qualified. i do not now, nor have i ever tried to have, nor will i ever have an FLR with my wife. i have mentioned it to her, but she was not interested, so i have not brought it up again.

However, the lack of intimacy, the house-mate nature of relationship, the lack of reciprocity, the long relationship... Yeah, it's like that. You are thus not alone. You are heard. And maybe this isn't the right forum, but it's *a* forum, and sometimes that's all we have to go on. And, well, you already have some great advice. Oh, and yes, doing all the chores, i can totally relate.

So, what can i offer beyond solidarity? Not much. my wife and i are... well, divorce is looking likely. She at least admitted that she would rather we never did anything physical, that it could be taken off the table, as she finds the pressure (we haven't done anything remotely physically intimate since June 2016, and since then i have raised this in December 2017 [at her request], October 2018 [at her request] and in our recent discussions [at her request]) unbearable. When i was diagnosed with ASD back in December 2017 we actually discussed kink, but she said that she was not interested and all she really wanted was someone to do the washing up, laundry, clean the floors now and again and make the lunches. Maybe clean the bathroom once in a while. Keep in mind we were discussing our marriage at this point. She has agreed to 'tolerate' my ASD but has pointed out that i am thus incapable of being emotionally supportive to her (i feel a trifle harsh, we've been married since 2008) and thus nothing else can happen. Ever.

The amount of times she has announced that she will try, to be followed by going back to how things were, a similar story to your own, is... well, it's dispiriting. Final point, our sex life before 2016 was... erratic at best. We managed just 21 instances of sex or sexual touching between 2007 and 2016, nine of those in an eight month period in 2015 and five of those over two days in 2009 when she said she wanted a second child.

Keep in mind, i have never raised kink nor tried to push for anything. Also, there was nothing in our relationship or my approach to it that i did not tell her, repeatedly and up-front, before we wed. Apart from the concept of FLR, which i only learned was a thing in March 2019, and chastity, which i selfishly and secretly indulged in between February and May 2019.

Advice? i have none, my friend, but i wanted to say that i hear you.

All the best, and take the advice you can.