My partner a few minutes ago said he feels as if he is currently 3 and wants to be 103 on a scale into FLR - I'm not wording it very well (go from 1 to 100 makes more sense) He wants more, to deepen the FLR we recently started. I know some take it to quite an extreme with regards to FLR - demanding passwords etc. Once we live together I'll advise that we need a joint bank account. He's going through cage fitting for chasity at the moment. He usually cooks, he makes my coffee and I will when required make demands over various things. I remind him that he's lucky I'm prepared to be/want to be his keyholder and life partner. What are the easiest steps to take to deepen the FLR power shift? Whilst remaining vanilla to the outside world? He wants a full power shift, to me. I have to admit to loving it and being flattered, what woman wouldn't! This is all new to me and its something he's wanted for as long as he can remember and is only now with someone who makes him comfortable enough to divulge.. Thanks in advance for an insight
Its not something that happens overnight to make yourself assertive, dominating if you aren't that person, especially if it is with someone you care for. Not only do you need to be dominant, but it helps when your partner is submissive. Work on both aspects. Set aside an hour or two, even a whole weekend when you both work hard at your respective roles. An hour or two is easier and can be done within the home or even outside. Focus on being picky - make him walk behind you, open doors for you, take your coat off. In private use one word commands where normally a sentence would do i.e. "coffee" and not "could you fetch me a coffee". Work on "the look" so when out, give him "the look" that tells him that he should be opening that door, getting you a drink, paying for the meal etc. Take a note of infringements, better still get him to to it. Review them frequently and punish for them - style/type/level of punishment is completely at your discretion. Ask him what punishment you think is deserved, you'll probably find out that it is way beyond what you had considered. Remember that after the punishment the slate is wiped clean and an embrace/hug is welcome. In our relationship Lady C calls MOST of the shots, sometimes She puts that onus onto me when She tells me to decide. Somethings we have agreed are well outwith the FLR decision making process - i.e. mortgages, health. End of the day its your relationship, make it what you both want. A
Sound to me like you are well on your way. I would suggest you read as much as possible. Read threads on here, read some fictional stories, and read some books about FLR’s. It takes time so be patient and enjoy the journey together.
True! And the best part is that he is asking for a more intense leadership from you! So I suppose whatever you decide will make happy!
For me it didn’t really hit home until it literally hit home. Meaning it was mostly fun and sexy play, being nice and giving her sexual control, until an actual physical correction was required. To be more specific, we had gotten into an argument and I was about to storm off and sleep on the couch. She said to get back here and bend over right now. I was not n the mood for this stuff, she made it clear that she was in charge, and this paddling was going to happen and this argument was over. It was a game changer. For the first time all this wasn’t just me doing things or acting a certain way, it was also now about consequences and following through. I felt I was right, I felt that my attitude was justified, and then it was pointed out that it didn’t matter if I was right or wrong, that behavior was not going to be tolerated and the consequences wouldn’t be a fun sexy session but an immediate notso fun punishment. I had agreed to this long ago, but it was the first time it came up when it wasn’t a frivolous infraction or an excuse to implement discipline. I will say that after it was over, and snuggling next to her, knowing we both were now good, I felt a love and trust that was overwhelming. Conflict was resolved, no passive aggressive stomping around or silent treatments, it was settled and we moved on. I remember it very vividly, she forced me to deal with it, we had a clear resolution, and then moved on. I am so glad she stopped me from running away and sleeping on the couch. So in general my advice for taking it to a higher level and still maintaining vanilla on the outer shell, is for there to be consequences for certain behavior, and to deal with that behavior in a no nonsense way even when it’s not fun and sexy time, but to actually assert your leadership and dominance when it’s important. She brings it up as a warning every once in a while, “I’ll paddle your butt” but in general, it hasn’t gotten to that in quite some time. By the way, I volunteered for this type of relationship, so before anyone barks about abuse etc, this is something I desired when I asked for a no nonsense FLR. We discussed physical discipline and it was something I encouraged as a stopgap to curb some of my more dominant and selfish tendencies.
I'm in a similiar situation @Nicoftime There's no arguments here either. Just some quick sharp discipline to focus the mind and suddenly everything has been sorted. Certainly fixed my sulky behaviour and allows us to move on.
Honey is that you? Sorry, I know your not my wife, but sound quite a bit like her talking about me talking to her. You have to find what works for you. There are many options from sensual to punishment. The advice @Disciplined Boyfriend offered is good. My add on would be try to be consistent in what you do. It is very confusing (at least to me) when my KH is inconsistent.
GoddessG, Please have a look at the following link, the book is better in that it allows you to add any extra requirements you may have, It looks at where your slave can hand over control now and where he needs more time, with penalties for non performance of an added rule. I hope this is of interest to you GoddessG john https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dominant-W...=1499194464&sr=1-26&keywords=Mistress+Jessica What you will find that follows this introduction is a set of rules and information that you can adhere to in your Dominant / submissive relationship or not. If you purchased the actual book rather then the E-book, you will find each page has the rule listed and a check box for “Yes” and “No” so that you may start off slowly implementing new rules when either an infraction of that particular rule is encountered and needs to be dealt with by agreeing to adhere to the new rule, or say when the submissive has to many minor infractions and because of that a new rule needs be added to the submissive list of rules they will need to adhere to. Kind of like you do something bad then you have a new rule in your life. It can be quite a lot of fun, just sitting down and reading a rule and each time a new rule is added the submissive life can change dramatically because of it. How you implement the rules or not, is entirely up to you, these are just guidelines, things that we have found have been fun and work well in our relationship, feel free to alter or change a rule to fit your own situations.We have even included a number of pages for you to add your own specific rules that you may have that is not included in our own rules. What you have in the end is pretty much an owner’s manual for your submissive husband, what better fun can there be for a submissive husband to know that in his house is a book of rules that he must follow else he may be punished by his Dominant wife. I personally like to leave the book lying around the house just so my submissive husband can see it and know that it is there.
Have a look at this site: https://evolvingyourman.com/category/getting-started/ Written by a woman who actively wants to dominate her man, which perhaps is not quite the same as your situation, but there is some really good stuff on there. You don't have to do anything the he wants. Own your domination and have fun with it. No need to take it all too seriously, if you don't want to.
This. It's what we want and what we need -- leadership, discipline and training, strict AND consistent.
What he wants is this... You control his day. You give him chores, you give him deadlines. When he’s washing your car, he’ll be aroused because YOU TOLD HIM TO DO IT! Give him more items than he can complete and when he fails to finish all of them, restrain him (handcuffs, ect) and punish him. Give him assignments that set him up for correction such as ... have him list in order his favorite things about your body then punish him that the number two item isn’t number one ect Create rules or procedures such as 1. He doesn’t get into bed before you. Once you’re in bed he must come over to your side and kneel next to you on the floor. He waits there UNTIL you invite him into your bed. 2. You eat before he eats (wolf pack mentality .. the alpha wolf eats first) He may start eating after your finished or halfway done. 3. You order for him at restaurants. He is not allowed to speak to the hostess or waitress. 4. While speaking to you he must place his hands behind his back.
Reading through the posts on here, including my own above, it seems that you are concentrating on what he wants, which is very nice of you, but it will probably not be successful in turning you into the type of dominant woman he'd like. Not long term anyway. My own D/s relationship is also in the very early stages and we have been having some fun with the ideas below. I feel that I need to take it at her pace and accept any limitations she wants. Perhaps you should consider that for you to be the dominant partner, you need to be getting what you want and not trying to turn his fantasies into reality. What about your own fantasies? It is unreasonable to expect you to go from vanilla to dominant overnight, so why not introduce a few rules for him to obey? How about something as simple as kneeling before you and putting your shoes on you before you go out, and the same in reverse when you come back. You could change your mind about the shoes you want and have him fetch you another pair. How about a rule that says he must open doors for you at all times. Maybe keep it as simple as that for a month, then introduce more rules, or vary the existing ones, over a period of time. This gives you time to develop your own mindset and, hopefully, see the advantages of being the dominant partner. It also allows you to see whether he wants to be truly submissive and obey you, or whether he just wants what he fantasises about. The only thing I would say is that once you have rules in place, they are your rules for him to obey. The rules need to be applied very strictly at all times, no backsliding allowed. Good luck and I wish you lots of fun and happiness on your adventure.
We had a long talk last night and I mentioned your comment, I can be quite dominant and he wants me to be. However, although he's always wanted an FLR and has dreamed of having one his entire adult life, he has a powerful day job so now that its becoming reality he is seemingly struggling with the more basic things of it. I'm writing him some rules, he has some already and he knows he'll be punished if he breaks them. Some are simple like to speak to me with respect at all times and if he doesn't, I'll take his dignity via his bum. I've 'threatened' it for a while and I don't think he took me seriously. I kept my promise and last night I did it, without warning and reminded him after that I'd warned him I would. I also found by accident when teasing him in the bedroom a punishment which he will not enjoy at all and I have made it abundantly clear that I will do it again, intentionally, should he ever require a significant punishment. A minor rule is that if the cage is off, he must still sit down to pee at all times and he must not touch himself, not even when aroused. Have also ordered him to only wear the aftershave I bought him. He wants me to have full control and I've made clear that this isn't a FLR based on what he wants, what he wants is irrelevant. There are some non kink changes I want to implement as I don't want it to be a purely sexual FLR. Your advice made me feel far more confident in pushing for what I want when he says some things aren't for him; non sexual. With regards to sexual he refuses to give me a safe word. I have told him that he may well regret wanting an FLR - as I have every intention of getting my way with life changes. Any resistance from him will result in non enjoyable punishment. It will be so much easier when we live together. I've made clear that once that happens I expect a joint bank account, and eventually marriage so I can deepen my control legally. I have to say, this forum/website has been fantastic. I don't know what I'd do without it. I'm learning so much from reading other posts and also getting such fab advice when I post requiring tips /help etc.
This. He wants, deeply, for you to lead, he wants to obey. Though he may talk of his fantasies he knows that it begins and must also carry through outside the bedroom. He wants the non-kink too, even though he is struggling, he wants you to train him, to break him, he wants and needs to know that you are strong enough to control him and break his alpha nature when he is with you. Many men with "powerful day jobs" deeply need the peace and release that comes from submitting to and and serving a woman, he wants to give you what he expects from others and wants and expects you to demand service and obedience, and wants you to train him to obey and discipline him when he falls short. Do not underestimate how much he wants this.
The advice i can offer is similar to what others have said, but consider this... Deep FLR has no return journey that ends well! A slow gradual transition is the best key to attaining a successful and rewarding FLR. Sure, listen to what he has to say, but my advice would be to make up your own mind what genuinely works for you and where you get everything from it. Never miss an opportunity to test the male's appetite at each step and be very clear that there are only 2 states to consider; stop or carry on. Deep FLR is not a sex play game, it really is a transition to a completely new life and relationship. Never underestimate what it will do for your own mindset and never take your eye off the ball when it comes to his behavioural changes. These will be the only indicators (other than your own) to gauge whether he is truly embracing the new life. Take each new phase slowly and resist his eagerness to jump from 3 - 103 in one leap. Once a phase has completed, consolidate the new position before moving to the next phase. You will at some point better understand where your final position is and probably his. They may not align, so be alert to this. It is quite possible, you may find yourself wanting to go further than him in the deeper phases, it can become quite addictive. It is even possible that you may begin to see him more as an asset to be used than a sexual partner. Be really sure what you want at each checkpoint. Ultimately, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Pace yourself well.