My husband and I have been attempting a dom/sub relationship for a few years now. We have just recently started again after my husband expressed his desire to have a more fulfilling sex life with me as his mistress. The last week seemed to have been going well but we had a setback yesterday. It was Christmas so I told him things were going to be a little more low key because it’s going to be a busy day plus I have been sick. When we went to bed last night, he was clearly agitated. I asked him this morning what was going on and he said he was frustrated and confused because he doesn’t know what’s going on. He was upset and expected more straight forward communication. He thinks I should have planned for him to do something submissive whether I was involved or not. My question is, what do you ask your submissive to do when maybe you are worn out or just not in the mood? Something that they can do without your involvement. Thank you!
He needs to learn it is not about him at all. It’s all about you. If you don’t want anything or don’t want to deal with him-that’s his problem. He’s not sub until he gets that squared away. Until then his submission is to work on just that
you have to explain to your husband he is extremely fortunate that you are even entertaining his desires many members here are nowhere near that lucky and tell him that this is all a joint learning curve and that it must be taken at the pace that is right for both of you not just him. Many wives and potential keyholders take a long time to adapt their own method of trying to make this work and if he is getting uppity already it does not bode well for when things get really tough a little later. Take your time and set out YOUR take on how things will proceed assuming he accepts the rules he should just be happy to be given a chance to experience any form of FLR in whatever guise you choose to play it. Enjoy yourself and if you dont then stop doing it.
I would say the same thing @slave stroppy said. To be with you and take care of you should be his priority. If he just wants what he wants it won't work. Instead of being upset he should be looking for something to do for you. If he doesn't want to do what you want to do where is the submission? Take charge and find out if he really means it or just wants to play games. I listen when I am told something, that is a request that he should just respect. If She is tired or been sick I just help out any way I can. If it were me when we went to bed I would have rubbed Her back to relax Her after a busy day and I would be happy to have that chance to please Her. Next morning make breakfast for Her and treat Her like a queen. IT IS about you if it is going to be real. To submit is to be quiet and listen. Not to get you upset. It's your way or the highway. He will always behave like that because he is looking at himself and not you. I know it sounds a little harsh, but he needs to realize not to expect you to cater to him, it's the other way around. Good Luck. We will always be here to help.
I agree with @Cagedandy and @Allen1987. And read what you wrote again. You "told him" things were going to be low key that day and why. How can he expect anything "more straightforward" than that? You did plan for him to something "more submissive" -- you planned for him to be loving and giving and helpful. *He's* the one who didn't get it. No relationship, even (or especially) a D/s relationship is always about his kink. You didn't say whether you use chastity or not, but if you do it sounds like someone needs and deserves a full week or more in his cage and some household chores to get his head around what being the sub in a "Dom/sub relationship" means.
Oh shit, I remember those days, I was a real dick to my wife and only thought about myself. Luckily My wife hung in there as she wanted a Femdom relationship too. Every time I stared my me me me shit it caused a fight and set the relationship back and instead of having fun and growing we were mad at each other and fighting. Now it’s easy to say just tell him to be happy and love what he has. But it’s not that easy for us selfish little boys who get mad because we don’t get our way. I don’t have a magic pill for you but I can till you what worked for us. You have to decide if this is worth it to you. It will be a lot of work on your part. If he wants to act like a baby treat him like one. If he acts up the Chastity and whatever kinks you guys do is off the table, nothing until he comes around acts right. You need to talk and then talk some more. He needs to understand that life gets in the way. I wish I could have seen that a long time ago. So easy to see now but I was unable to see it a few years ago. BKwife use to tell me LOSE THE SCORE CARD LITTLE DICK! I don’t need you to tell me how many times we played or how many days it’s been since we did anything. I love you and I miss it too but sometimes it just doesent work out. Don’t waste years like I did to my wife. All I can tell you is a Chastity FLR relationship is such a beautiful thing when the two people love and it works. Submissive guys need a place and purpose in life, and we can only get that from females that let us serve them. Some of us are just to stupid to understand how to get there even though it’s what we wanted and dreamed about for years. Good luck and be strong!
well when I have sayed something that I shud not I am sometimes told to go and clean the oven and thats a job I dont like doing much.
he's trying to top from the bottom and dictate the course of the relationship. You need to make clear that's your prerogative, not his. That is, after all, what he asked for.
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. That’s exactly what I was thinking. I was so confused that he was upset when I thought it was my decision how things proceed.
As much as I agree he shouldn’t have been upset, and probably needed to handle it a different way, if you are looking for ways to keep him subbie without your direct contact and limited contact, there are ways. Supervised masturbation, edging X amount of times and locking back up, foot worship while you watch tv, etc, all require little to no effort from you and still gives him a thrill. That is if you were looking for ideas. You two might need to talk about both your expectations, as selfish as his actions seem to those into this as a lifestyle, it still needs to be a team sport where everyone does their part. Good luck, hope you have that talk, and find that middle ground you both can live with.
You seem to be getting some consistent advice......perhaps you should show it to your male to make sure he understands that things will need to change on your terms not his.
Christmas was tough for us too. We have two young children. One on the way. Family in town with their dogs. And we are dog sitting for the MIL while she is traveling. 3 dogs. 2 house guests. 2 young children. Pregnant wife. We are just now grounded again. We live a Domme/Slave lifestyle. It’s hard enough with just our kids. Throw in dogs and house guests. Boy, it’s tough. We found our center today. I suggest taking a breath. Letting the dust settle from you not feeling well. The holiday, etc. We are all human. She owns me. That’s how I rest my head every night. It’s never easy.
It will take some very personal and sincere communications and then some time for him to fully understand what submission is really about. It took me several months, but has been wonderful ever since.
Agitated!!!? My only response would be, what can I do to help. I hope you have him reading these posts, maybe he will get the picture. And as all misbehaving children in school used to do, write 100 times "I will be respectful at all times".
Well, as @jemima said: Cooking dinner if he's capable, after dinner dishes if he's not. (or maybe both) Cleaning the toilets, doing laundry, sweeping/mopping/vacuuming the floors, are all things he can do without your involvement. Just remember, as others have stated, a sub's duty is to make You happy and it's not all about sex. Keep working at it (if it's what you want). "A good sub is hard to find"! I think Mae West said something like that once. Or maybe she said, "A hard sub is good to find" (when you're in the mood).
This is something I myself struggle with ALL THE TIME! When my sub gives me ideas for those very instances, it makes me realize that I overthink it way too much. Just gather ideas from here, there are lots of them. These locked up little men are more than willing to give you ideas. Good luck
It almost sounds like he is in to this just for the kink. You need to take charge . If he is not wearing a cage , then he should be. He asked you to take control . Then he has to except it. Toping from the bottom is a big no no. This is more a lifestyle than it is about sex. You need to learn if he is just playing games or is he going to submit to your RULES. Well good luck
There's possibly some similarities here between your relationship and mine with my princess, although we are very much still in the early stages. From day 1 she was the boss of all things bedroom related from when we are sexually active when together to me not being aloud to touch, regardless of if I'm caged or not. So if I get pouty, or feel the need to tell her I'm horny then it's tough, I know the rules and I either abide by them or it doesn't work. I wouldn't have agreed to the rules if I didn't want it. I'll be the first to admit I'm a rubbish sub and despite wanting it, I'm finding it hard and it's a big learning curve. Christmas has been interesting for us and it's a time of a large holiday for both of us from work. That means I've been caged since the start and she has the keys. We don't live together, but as this was the first time I've been caged for so long and given up all of the control, it was exciting. When I handed the keys over her dirty talk was amazing of what she was going to do make it difficult. Then Christmas came and she has a daughter, you see where I'm going with this. Life got in the way, I've only really seen her at Christmas surrounded by family (I was locked, she wanted a few very quiet orgasms before we slept) or to go on shopping trips when we didn't even mention the cage, the days we didn't see each other I was locked up, she was busy.. Tbh, it was a bit of a blessing, I'm horny, I don't want to be teased every minute of every day! Maybe when your husband thinks about it he wants some downtime too? I saw princess after Christmas to spend the night together, we both got what we wanted - she's very good to me like that, I really am lucky. We're seeing each other again tonight.. Now I know that it's been stressful, it's going to be a late night, she might be tired, not in the mood etc. I've thrown her favourite toys in my overnight bag, but if she says no it means no and if she's not interested they'll stay there for the next time. I am fully prepared to switch to my second favourite hobby with her, snuggling, talking, being boyfriend and girlfriend...