I’ve always meant to keep an online diary of how things are going as I’ve enjoyed reading others so much it would be selfish of me not to. Unfortunately work, Home and family life never seem to let it happen... My problem is that chastity doesn’t seem to be working for my wife and I. The only interaction I get is the key twice a week for cleaning. We’ve talked about me being made to do activities or anything so I’m not locked and forgotten, but still nothing. It would take so little effort. I get so bored and frustrated. I keep telling my self to have patience... I honestly think we’d be better off if I took care of things my self a few times a week. I’d feel less resentful and my wife could just go back to blissful ignorance.
Maybe that’s her plan. I am kinda in the same boat as well brother. Don’t, not that you have, try and force it. Keep up the hard work. Continue the efforts to please her. I hope the best for you, her, and relationship. We all can give advice. However, this is your life and family. Do what’s best for you and them! Capt
Maybe she isn’t as in to chastity as you thought? Or it could just be life getting in the way, it happens to all of us, Maybe it is time to sit down had have a talk about things.
If you can, make some time for both of you to talk about this. Real communication is so important when it comes to relationships let alone sexual issues. It may be that life is too much now for chastity play or that she isn't really turned on by it. But find out so you can move forward and find out what does work - for both of you. Good luck.
I totally sympathize with you and for the first few years of chastity for me, my experience was similar to what you describe. In my case it was my wife going through an accelerated masters program in school, we have a young child, we had 3 dogs (unfortunately down to 2 now). My wife had so much going on she didn’t really have time to think about teasing me or assigning me tasks etc... I would get so upset every 4 to 5 months and melt down because I felt locked and forgotten. 2 years ago I really had to have a come to Jesus with myself because I would feel my self getting so irritated with her for not trying to make chastity fun for me. The truth was, was that she really did enjoy chastity and the control she has over me, she loved being pampered by me but at the end of the day she had so much to study and projects to complete and presentations to prepare for that by the time we had any alone time she would just face plant on the bed and pass out. The other realization I had is that I told her it was all about her and although I did pamper her and serve her I now realize it wasn’t really about her, it was really more about my kinks at that time. I love her but I was doing those things as more of a means to get what I wanted instead of just flat out wanting to do those things for her because I love her. That was my folly that I am so glad I now understand and have learned from. I to thought it would be easier to say screw chastity I’m going back to jerking off and doing what I want but what that is really saying is that I would’ve been choosing porn and kink over my wife and that’s exactly how my wife would’ve taken it. Now that my wife has graduated life will calm down slightly, my wife won’t be as mentally occupied however she will be starting a new job and learning new things with all new stressors. We also still have to run a child around and take care of two dogs plus I work a full time job. Life is life and sometimes there just isn’t time for shit. But I will say that when my wife really felt like I was working extra hard for her, trying to make her life easier and being extra devoted I really felt her appreciation and love for my efforts. So my thoughts are this, when your wife truly feels that your acts for her are out of love and making her truly happy and not just about chastity, your world will come full circle. That doesn’t necessarily mean that now all of your fantasies are going to come true but what will happen is you will gain more of a sense of purpose and those extra things you do for your wife will have more meaning to you both, your perspective will change. Let’s face it, you’d probably have about the same amount of sex or less (probably less) If you give up chastity. You’re going to jerk off, have less of a libido and probably miss sexual opportunities with your wife because you won’t be in the mood and she will know all of this and why. You’ve really got to think of the positive things that will be good for you while you’re chaste, personally I know I’m way more productive and upbeat. Then think of all the positive things for your wife, her feeling so loved and taken care. So all the stuff that is said here at CM about being patient and trusting your goddess is all true in moving a relationship like this forward as long as your intent goes beyond the kink (in my opinion). My wife and I are beyond 5 and half years of chastity now and my first 3 years were fumbling around trying to figure myself out with lots of emotions. If you really enjoy chastity and you know she does too you’d be doing a disservice to you both by quitting. Trust me, you won’t feel any better about yourself, I’ve tried quitting a couple of times in those first 3 years. She wouldn’t let me 2 of the times and the 3rd was more like an extended break and after 2 months I craved being locked back up for her, I guarantee you will too.
My advice would be to try to figure out what you need vs what you want in your relationship. Not just as it relates to chastity, but your entire relationship. If the must have stuff is not being met, you need to have that conversation with her. If the nice to have stuff isn't being met, that's a different conversation. It is OK for you to have needs and express those needs to her. Regardless of the power dynamic in your relationship. It's also OK to express what you want as well, but they should be clearly separated. All of that being said we all get frustrated. Just yesterday I had to skip out of work for half a day due to stuff with kids and taking the dog to the vet. I was getting all these calls from work asking for stuff and my frustration was mounting when she sent me a text saying make sure my orange blouse is clean for work tomorrow. I deleted several responses before sending the appropriate Yes Mistress. Frustration is a part of life and when ignored it can lead to many doubts. Don't act in haste, take time and think about it.
All, Thanks for all the words of support and details of others strife. It is good to rebalance my feels with comparisons. I suppose I also feel a overall imbalance of effort in the relationship too. I work full time doing a technical responsible and managerial role and have 10hrs of commuting around this too in heavy traffic. My wife does a little part time work but otherwise does the school runs, cooking and cleaning. I supervise the children’s dinner time when I get home and put them to bed every night. By 7-7:30 I’m getting really tired. Our children wake us up at 6am every day (I leave at 6:30 anyway) so we take turns having a lie in on Saturday and Sunday). The bottom line is, I see her day as having a lot of spare and flexible time in it and being low stressed, yet zero effort is made for ‘us’. We don’t do anything like a ‘date night’ or even watch TV together. I occasionally have the direct criticism of not being fun levelled at me - truth is, I’m probably not. When we do have sex, my wife always enjoys it and can even be quite adventurous - I think she’s quite repressed and will actually wants to do some quite kinky things after asking me to blind fold her! Before chastity, I’d often ‘have to’ ask if she fancied a ‘quickie’ and with no available or valid excuses, she’d agree and we’d have great sex. Now I can’t ask... Sorry this turned into me venting. Writing it down can be quite therapeutic and feeling like I’m not just bottling it up!
Blimey! I just posted on the thread by @L-u-c-y about a female political party mentioning the work and status imperative in capitalism but your situation sounds ridiculous. 10 hour commuting!? I have never been locked so I cannot confidently give advice but as a general rule I have noticed that at “clutch” moments it’s best to pare down complexity to the key essentials, and to me, your work demands sound horrendous. I would therefore suggest you broach that topic with your wife I.e. the possibility of finding a less stressful job situation. That may well be the best “ask” of her, that she support you in that goal.
“As a compromise for this to work for us both, may I put the following to you? I proposed and started this chastity play but the problem is at the moment it’s simply a way to deny me scratching a growing itch. Which is one sense is good but I then get frustrated and start to resent the lack of attention. After some period of nothing really happening, I then feel desperate that if I don’t encourage you into something, nothing will and this adds more pressure on you. I think you also feel added pressure that we need to do some big play evening at ‘the end’. It also feels self-imposed as I will have initiated ‘the game’ and really, if I said to you that I didn’t want to play anymore, you would just give me the key and probably be glad to. When the above repeating ‘scenario’ happens of me getting frustrated and grumpy and you get upset and moody, we all feel ’bad’ - its clearly not working. This isn’t how I want it to be. So what do I want? I want us to be more intimate and more sexual more often. I want you to enjoy, think about and have more sex. I want to feel aroused and enjoy sex more. I don’t want you to feel pressured. I don’t want to feel negatively frustrated. I want to desire you and you to desire me. What are the problems? I put pressure on you to do things more often than you want. You have a feeling of expectation from me. My push to try new things makes you feel like what we do do is never quite good enough. Why do I think chastity play is good? It could bring awareness of sexuality to a daily occurrence (hopefully for us both). Giving you complete control could empower you to put your own sexual satisfaction first with out guilt. It could prevent the negative frustration of wanting ‘sex’ and being turned down and it would therefore prevent the bad feeling on both sides because of this. It also does require an element of planning; with all the will in the world, busy lives and two children mean true spontaneity is almost impossible. So why isn’t it working at the moment? Because we’re approaching it as if it’s something only for me and it just adds more pressure on you. You, and therefore we, aren’t getting any of the benefits from it. What do we need to change? Fundamentally, I need you to actively take charge. Take ownership. I’ve started this but you need to take over and take the lead. This sounds hard and sounds like it will take more effort and it probably will be to start with, but I think it’s worth a try. I think it could really work. So what does this really mean? You not letting me pressure you - don’t get moody with me, but tell me straight and make me do what you want and then we move on with no bad feelings. If I’m being grumpy, don’t get grumpy back but come up with a list of consequences your happy with and use them. Set rewards and tease me if you like. Tell me to give you a massage or to pleasure you. Give me activities but which require minimum effort from you if you don’t feel like doing much. After the children are asleep it’s adult (our) time. Set a night a week where we eat together, watch something together and go to bed together. Be direct and take control of what you want and when. Else, I don’t think I‘ve got the will-power to approach and carry on with chastity as inevitably and most certainly not intentionally, it’s making you unhappy.” As a sanity check, does this read right? Does it make sense? When your so entangled in something emotionally, it’s difficult to be objective. Thanks
Yes, one hour each way, 5 days a week. I’m an avid motorsport enthusiast and I also consider my self a good, safe and considerate driver and it really annoys me being cut-up and having to take avoiding action on a daily basis because the total lack of courtesy and respect from other drivers.
I put this quoted extract here because your suggested draft message revolves 100% around the sexual aspect of the relationship and 0% around the “overall imbalance” grievance. A danger with this 100% sexual “shape” to your draft message is that you are adopting the deferential sexual role whilst secretly harbouring grievances over non sexual aspects of the relationship where deference may not be the appropriate stance to improve things. Just an observation
Yep, your spot on...I hadn’t realised that. I suppose I’m in the mind set that if I work hard and can play hard, everything is OK.
Heavy traffic definitely puts me in a bad mood, my commute is only 1/2 that but I live in the most popular place to move to (for the last 10 years) in the US. The last 2 years have been insane with people coming here. So now we have heavy traffic plus drivers who don’t know the roads and it shows in the way they drive. Mistress Wonder Woman now has a 1 hour commute each way for her internship and it’s the most stressful part of her day. It wears you down especially the aggressive drivers and you really have to be on the defensive. As soon as Wonder Woman has found a job closer to home after she’s finished her internship I’m also going to be looking for something closer to home or go back to school. I feel like I’m away from home to much and don’t have a good work/ home life balance.
@Anonoman please i have read your thread but you have not sayed really what you want to happen. please dont your wife let you chat to Her.
Hey Anon, I'm in tech with a brutal commute as well, probably the same aa well. I'm a car guy as well and have a fast and taxing to drive 6 speed car with a heavy clutch. One consideration I might make would be to try commuting in a car thats *really* easy to drive if yours isn't already. Also not knowing your company culture, maybe remote every omce in a while is an option? You mihht consider finding a different team or company with a better work/life ballance?
How long have you and your wife been doing chastity? Why did you start or get into it? The diary is a good thing to do, doesn't have to be on here it can be private. but is useful for your own reflection. Keep in mind what you read on others diary's may not truly reflect there day to day relationship but just the exciting bits which is fair enough but just bear it mind along with the fact others dynamics maybbe different. Don't compare to others. I kind of made that mistake. Anyway as I don't know your full circumstances properly here's a few ideas in my mind. Be clear what you are looking for or want to achieve. Also speak to your wife. What does she want? You possibly also need to asses your work life balance. It doesn't matter what your into if you haven't got time and your always knackered then what's the point because nothings going to work.
Odd but important question: When you are in the belt, does She wear the key? This is the single most important thing in reminding Her about chastity. Before Mistress Davenport started wearing the key, W/we would fall into forgetting. W/we figured out a nice solid silver chain that didn't bind, and it really helped. This way, W/we have that reminder constantly.
Again, thanks for all the replies... really appreciated! Quick update, last night we agreed to ‘have a play’... long story cut short, it didn’t happen but hopefully postponed ‘till tonight. I asked if there was one thing my wife would like to change, what would it be? She replied not worrying about the key. I proposed that she put it on her necklaces that I made for her from some ‘sea glass’. That way it would be safe but hidden...
It's true. I will totally admit that before we found a comfortable chain I didn't ever wear the damn thing and therefore forgot that he was even belted. Honestly now I never forget. And even though we are no different than other busy couples we never let more than two days go by without some kind of teasing/play.
She likely would disagree with you. Taking care of children is hard, unremitting work, and she is doing it for both of you. Do you feel like she is insufficiently appreciative of the time that you put in? Perhaps if you asked her, she would want more of that, and not more of the chastity. Eh, sorry, it doesn't read right to me. You are asking her to be a different person, and that's hard for anyone.