Wife with little to no interest.

The “da da, here’s a cage on my cock” approach is not going to work with 99% of women. Maybe try making and effort by giving her massages, and things that make her feel more special. Communication is key to a good sex life, and it sounds that more effort is required in that area.

 

I couldn't agree more with the advice @Nicoftime gave on 12/7.

I self-locked secretly for five weeks to see if the reality corresponded to the fantasy, and to see if I could handle the mechanics (chafing, hygiene), etc. Meanwhile, was figuring out how to approach the wife, relying heavily on advice in forums and in a couple of books (including the book you got, @Whitehoseman). Then I unlocked and approached my wife, first opening the topic with a long letter (disaster), then open, often difficult conversations.

At that point, I was asking a favor of her: please help me by holding my key and deciding when I orgasm (or not). Nothing else -- very vanilla, no specific requests for teasing sessions, other types of control, etc.

And then I shut up, and let her have as much time as she wanted to get used to the idea and decide whether she was willing to help me (and, I believed, us). After about two weeks she took the first tentative step. Over the six weeks since, it's been baby steps. I continue to hold back, not pushing her, not asking her to do more, not asking her to talk about it. (A couple of times I've asked if I could talk about *my* feelings and experience, but haven't pushed her to open up.)

Things are progressing steadily, and very nicely, but SLOWLY. I'm convinced this is the way.

As for her seeing the benefits: I firmly believe (at least for my wife, of course YMMV) that she needs to experience and come to recognize the benefits for herself (if they are indeed benefits from *her* perspective). At the very start (in the letter and an early conversation) I tried to suggest what she might expect that she would like (more attention from me both to her sexual pleasure and in other ways), but quickly realized those were just empty words. So I shut up on that topic too, and just acted, and hope that she enjoys and appreciates the changes in me.

So she's getting long foot rubs about every other day now (I had *no* idea how much she likes foot rubs before, shame on me). I gently offer to pleasure her most days, but don't push it when she says no. Instead of her getting off once a week (our quite standard routine before) she now gets Os 3-4 days a week. Etc: breakfast in bed for several days during Xmas holiday break, more hugging and kissing, more words of love.

Note to @Whitehoseman: this extra attention is coming very naturally to me because I'm having fewer orgasms. Yes, it's conscious on my part, but it's not a chore: I'm constantly feeling an urge to do something for her, and enjoying the little services. Like many say, it's like courtship all over again -- it's fun! But when she's given me an orgasm, it's several days until these urges build up on their own again (then I keep up the attention through conscious effort). So while you're self-locking: be disciplined! Don't let yourself out, don't jerk off. Stay locked until she wants you out. The longer you're in, the more benefits she'll experience, and the greater chance she'll choose to participate.

Will she engage? Who knows. My wife is steadily participating more, but as I said, it's baby steps. There's no question she likes the foot rubs and cuddling, and thoroughly enjoys her Os. But is that enough to be worth having me parade around in a cage, and to overcome her disinclination for kink, and perhaps even to put up with all the attention (she's shown some signs of being uncomfortable about the asymmetry, and perhaps with my being so in her face with offers to do things for her -- something else I'm working on!).

Give your wife a chance to *experience* the benefits, not just read about them or hear about them from you. Be as chaste (orgasm-free) as you can manage (locked or not) -- but if she tells you to cum, do it, you want her in charge! -- so that she (and you) really get to experience the benefits. And be very patient. Many folks on the forums talk about things taking not just months, but sometimes years to evolve to a full chastity partnership.

 

Brilliant post. This encapsulates exactly what my wife and I are going through and how I decided was the only way of getting her to like chastity. Do stuff unconditionally, approach it like you are courting again and take it very very very slowly.

 

Great post @cshorts. Go slow, show her the benefits, learn to court her again.