Why can't we just call it a tool?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mauiperson, Feb 20, 2021.

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  1. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    I cut and pasted this from another thread I wrote in. Thought it deserved it's own thread:

    I do think topping from the bottom has been somewhat over used and I think the word "kink" is used too much as a dismissive term. I think the KH should know all her subs fantasies and kinks as they are a window into his submission. She will partake in the fantasies that work for her and either put on pause or all together disavow those she has no interest in, but ignoring his fantasies seems silly as it means not understanding who your submissive partner is and what stimulates his submission. Why would a KH practicing Loving Female Authority not want to sexualize her subs submission to her? Wouldn't she want him to feel pleasure every time he serves her, creating a deep submissive bond?

    I think most of what we call fetishes are tools. A chastity device, called a fetish by many, is really a way to rechannel sexual energy towards their KH. It creates a specific hormonal condition in the male increasing oxytocin and dopamine. If there was a medicine that created that same condition, would we call it a kink?

    Physical discipline, also a tool. Parents who do use corporal discipline on their children certainly are not practicing a sexual kink, but simply practicing old fashion conditioning....associating a specific behavior to a negative consequence. So if a wife practices corporal discipline....isn't she doing the same? Again a tool to accomplish improved behavior.

    Strap on pegging, feminisasition, mild humiliation of the submissive all get labeled as kinks, but again these are simply the tools of the trade. All of the above are trying to reverse the years of socialization that create a destructive male ego that interferes with the progress of a FLR.

    We label these tools as kink because they have erotic connections, but that reflects our culture's dismissive nature towards sex in general as dirty or shameful. At the end of the day, these "kinks" are just tools and any KH in a FLR may or may not use to achieve the goal for her relationship. But any loving KH is going to want to create a submissive who finds himself enraptured in pleasure by being in a submissive state as it reinforces their connection and creates harmony in their relationship, particularly in a FLR.
     
  2. LukeVallentine
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    LukeVallentine Active member

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    Who care what we call it as long as it works?
     
  3. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    Because when we call it a Kink it seems that it is a way to be dismissive, shameful, etc
     
  4. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    Words and labels have powerful meaning and often have connotations which frame those words in ways that may not be conducive to our goals. Millions are spend daily to tailor messages with carefully chosen words so don’t say dismiss it. The message doesn’t always work and sometimes it could work much better
     
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  5. Gcar1951
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    Gcar1951 Active member

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    My KH likes to lock me to various objects because she knows I will do almost anything she wants to get let out. It’s not kinky, she just knows how to control me to the max! Amazing woman!
     
  6. LukeVallentine
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    LukeVallentine Active member

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    Not to me.
     
  7. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    I am looking at the wider audience. I think we all see a disconnect between the number of chastity devices selling on Amazon and the lack of prevalence in this FLR conversation being a normal of discussion. If we call it a tool, there is far less negative connotations especially amongst women. I am hoping for a future in which these discussions are not left to the dark corners of the internet, but are part of the vocabulary of say marriage counselors, talk show hosts, etc.
     
  8. Jessica Alexander
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    Jessica Alexander Trans woman not a mistress or Dom

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    A chastity cage would be a tool. A kink (non-mainstream sexual desire) would be something that a tool is applied to in order to manipulate the desire so I don’t think “tool” works as another name for kink or fetish.
     
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  9. Xileh
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    Xileh Happily Serving

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    I prefer to look at the accoutrements of FLR, including a chastity device, as a symbol rather than a tool. A symbol tends to embody a meaning, often a promise or commitment made to another. The power of an object, that has been symbolized, lies within that shared promise and/or meaning. Much like a couple might with a wedding ring.

    I use tools every day. They tend to be implements rather than objects of commitment.
     
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  10. Mauiperson
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    Mauiperson Member

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    Maybe so,...I think symantiec play a big part in acceptance and if FLR is ever to live outside the dark remote areas of the internet and move more into the public demain of acceptance, I think the choice of words matter.

    In the 80's an open relationship meant swingers and a "kinky" lifestyle. That label ihas slowly eroded and now just falls into a catagory as a type of relationship. If FLR is every to make that transition, getting away from words that bring phobia from the mainstream would be helpful.
     
  11. Mauiperson
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    I think a chastity device can be both a symbol and tool, much like the other tools/symbols in a FLR. Panties, paddle and a strap on harness have plenty of symbolism, but they can most certianly be tools also. They help manuever a relationship from point A to point B with more ease, much like a lever makes movement of an obstacle a lot easier.
     
  12. LesterBallard
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    I understand - and sympathise - with what you are trying to achieve but this isn't the way. The kink of chastity is not a tool. It's a kink. We have to stop the general population thinking about that pejoratively, but just classifying it as something it isn't won't do that.
     
  13. borbulls1961
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    borbulls1961 Madame Vanilla's property

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    I see it as a TOOL that impairs my masturbation habit, gives her control, and skews my mind towards everything HER.
    When I talk of it to my vanilla wife I use the word "tool" as that describes an object with a purpose.

    It may ALSO be a kink...but that surely is a social description of the un-normal or unusual.
     
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  14. WhiteKnight
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    Funny, I always thought a chastity cage was something that went on my tool and stopped me (ab)using it ?
     
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  15. Aubrie
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    Aubrie Member

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    WISDOM!!
     
  16. borbulls1961
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    borbulls1961 Madame Vanilla's property

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    Maybe a tool bit?
     
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  17. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    This is really interesting.

    Honestly, the best way to present chastity devices to the mainstream is as "sex toys" like a reverse version of the vibrator.

    Next best is "kink" because it frames it as "fun"

    If we call them tools, then we have to admit that they are tools used to satisfy some fairly dark urges.
     
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  18. boisub
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    boisub Inaccessible member

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    I would suggest that it’s not so much that the urges are dark, but that society views their ultimate expression (a tilting of the power balance towards women) with hostility.

    Some people are even hostile to women using vibrators, undoubtedly for the same reason.
     
  19. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think it's hard to frame any sort of sadism as anything but dark!
     
  20. hardbodysub
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    hardbodysub BrokeTheMold

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    I respectfully disagree. The idea that kinks and tools are mutually exclusive is simply false. A kink can very effectively be used as a tool.
     
  21. hardbodysub
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    hardbodysub BrokeTheMold

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    That evidently is the literal description of kink/kinky, but judging by its prevalence of society in general I’d have to say it’s not really very unusual these days.
     
  22. LesterBallard
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    Yes, we disagree
     
  23. HusbandX
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    I know many who go to work, and do the job, and many others who are the job. For some it's merely a means to and end: it's an income, but it's neither their identity, nor their purpose in life. For others, it's both, and for yet others, one, or the other.

    I undertook my career before my teens, when I was so poor that I couldn't afford an ice cream cone. To do what I do was for me, my impossible dream. I bicycled 30 miles each way after work each day or every other day, after school, for a taste, and to work, and I did it for years, working up to three jobs at a time. I became so thoroughly immersed that it's all I did, thought, wrote, spoke, and it was my life.

    Given that I still don't sleep in my own bed, that the job still owns me, it's more than an income, and more than a means to an end. It's been a long journey, a quest, which could end any day, but is in full swing, and is as much a lifestyle as a method of making money. More than that, it's been a purpose, a passion, a mission. It's a tool, and I use tools, but I am also a part of those tools and they are a part of me. One cannot be without the other.

    It's said that one man's ceiling is another man's floor, but that denotes a vertical hierarchy, suggesting one more important than another. I'd rather think of one man's wall being another man's wall, yet each room holds an entirely different life, purpose, content, and person. Some have several rooms, and move between them.

    To one, a cage may be a tool, a means to an end. To another, the cage is a symbol. To another, a toy. To another, cage or no cage, the mission is the chastity. To another, the chastity is an act, a ritual that is garnish to a different mission or respect or worship or fealty or love. To another, it's a source of stimulation or excitement. For another, a means of control. For another, a token of a commitment. There may be as many reasons as there are cages, but then there are many that don't even wear the cage: chastity is not the cage, but the commitment, is it not?

    For some, chastity is a compromise. For some, the opportunity to live the sexual life we want may not be there for a plethora of reasons. Chastity answers unasked questions; it gives an explanation to the unanswerable. A basic human need, a connection, already denied for lack of access, partner, motive, means, place, or time, is addressed another way, and it's not wrong. For millennia, many cultures, peoples, religions, philosophies, and beliefs have placed chastity as a pinnacle of self-control or behavior. A higher way of life, an element necessary for enlightenment, a step beyond our baser self. One man's kink is another man's walk with God. Is either one wrong? Only if their walk is disingenuous. Only if the choice does not fit them. Yet at the same time, if the solution meets both purposes, can one live them both, wear more than one title? But, of course.

    Can one engage in chastity, and yet have a sexual life? Of course. Can chastity be a sexual life? Of course. Can one have sex, and be chaste? Of course. Can one alternate between sexual denial, and sexual release, or even excess? Yes. Is one wrong? A plant in the wrong place is a weed, yet in the right place a garnish, a symbol, an herb, a meal, or even shade. Everything in its place, and its time.

    My path is not the same as the path I cross, or the one parallel, but it's my path. It may be part tool, may be part mission, may be part sacrifice, may be part love. But it's my path. Your path is not my path, yet deserves the same respect, the same care, and they may cross, and that is okay. The crop duster flies in the same sky as the airliner, the sail boat the same water as the cruise liner, and the car the same road as the bicycle. Neither owns the sky, the road, or the ocean, each goes a different place, a different way, for a different reason. Yet we all go, and go we must. We are driven by need, desire, calling, or command. We choose, and sometimes, we are chosen.

    To thine own self be true, but for those on the chastity path, to thine keyholder be true, and truthful. And if you be the key holder, then to thine own self. But be true. Our truths are all different, yet valid.

    I once felt troubled, and found myself on a narrow trail on a tall cliff at night in a windy canyon, with stars above. I came to a fork in the trail, and in the rock was a brass plaque, driven into the cliff side, and there I read, for the first time, the Desiderata, by Max Eharmann. Engraved on the plaque was the quote, "You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

    I submit that while our mission or reason may not always be clear to us, and indeed we may spend a lifetime defining ourselves or our purpose, we do have a right to be here, and it may well be that the journey in which we define and re-define ourselves and our world, is unfolding exactly as it should.
     
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  24. Mauiperson
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    There was a time in history that homosexual relationship was described as abnormal with easy associating words such as kink to this type of relationship. Now we would be offended by describing this type of relationship with overlays of kink.

    I am not saying these tools don't have kink as an overlay on top of the tool, but I feel they are tools first, kink is what we want to imagine them to be. Big picture, words like kink will keep FLR as weird, freakish, inappropriate, and not a member of other accepted relationships in modern times. FLR will have to live in secret, in the dark hidden parts of lives. Maybe this is what we as a group have decide is acceptable, but I hope there is a future where having to hide our identity is not necessary and ranks as just another different type of relationship such as people who practice open relationships, hetero and homo sexual relationships, bisexual relationships, etc.
     
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  25. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think there are layers to this. In the absence of homophobia, homosexuality is "same activity and emotions/different pairing".

    BDSM is different. Yes, we can spin it as "This is just how we make love." However, when we actually go to it, the activities and emotions reference the darker sides of humanity, and that's the point.

    For example, my wife gets turned on by hurting me. Yes, in higher level view, it's just two consenting and loving adults getting off together, but the act itself will never be anything other than dark, and if it wasn't dark it wouldn't be a turn on. (The same goes for her enjoying keeping me chaste beyond the point of comfort.)

    The best we can hope for is a general acceptance that most people have a dark side - which they do - which I think is where society is going.

    FLR is also different in that in its very nature, it violates the modern ideal of equal relationships. Again, yes you can go up a level and frame it as all consensual etc, but the operation of the relationship is unequal, and that's the point. And of course our love language is BDSM, meaning our relationship style points back to viscerally dark things.

    I think we might get a somewhat saccharine social movement around "Female Centred Relationships as an ethical response to patriarchy and historic injustices". However, they will likely regard kink as "a re-enactment of internalised capitalist power relations" and "a fetishisation of unconscious misogyny...etc"

    As for chastity itself creeping into the mainstream as anything other than a sex toy: it might well get taken up as a form of gender expression. If so, the control/keyholding aspects will be rejected.
     
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